"Really?"

"No. That's two threesome jokes you've fallen for in about ten seconds. You make this way too easy, Toby."

"Yeah, I know."

"This is her sweater," Toby said, handing the garment to Owen, who let the red sweater dangle from his talon, apparently unsure what to do with it.

"Smell it." Toby took the arm of the sweater and pressed it to his own nose to demonstrate. "Take a big whiff. You're going to meet her and I want you to know her scent."

Owen pressed the sweater against his face and inhaled.

"Nice, huh? She always smells great. Remember that Melissa is a friend. Friend. Friend. Not food. Don't show her your teeth. If the two of you get along, maybe you can have somebody else to spend time with. Wouldn't that be wonderful?" Not food. Don't show her your teeth. If the two of you get along, maybe you can have somebody else to spend time with. Wouldn't that be wonderful?"

Yes.

Toby took out his Polaroid camera. "Say cheese. Don't smile."

Toby figured that, considering the delicate nature of the situation, he couldn't just lead Melissa out to the cave and hope that she was okay with the idea of Owen being a hideous beast instead of a burned human. He knew Owen would never do anything to harm somebody that Toby cared about, but still, having their first meeting start off with a shriek of terror would be undesirable.

He wasn't sure if he should tell Melissa the true story before or after sex. Probably after. She'd be more relaxed.

"There's something I need to tell you about Owen," he said, kissing her neck afterward.

"He doesn't exist?"

"No, he exists. He's just not what I told you he was."

"He's a ghost?"

"I'm being serious. Owen is...he's sort of like a pet, except that I don't own him or anything like that. He isn't a person. I don't know exactly what he is, but he doesn't live in a cabin, he lives in a cave, and he doesn't leave the woods because he's a...I don't know, I tend to think of him as a 'monster,' but that's not a good way to describe him. He's an animal."

"What?"

Toby sat up. He knew this conversation was going to be awkward. "Owen is a big hairy creature with claws and fangs. He can't talk except for saying my name, but we can communicate through hand signals, sort of like sign language except that we made it up."

Melissa pulled the sheet up over her chest. "Your friend is a big hairy forest creature?"

"Yeah. Sort of. No, not sort of, it's completely accurate. Yeah."

"Is this a joke?"

"Is it funny?"

"No."

"That's because it's not a joke."

"So, what, you befriended a talking bear? Come on, Toby, you told me you've been spending time with your disfigured childhood friend. What the hell kind of conversation are we having? Did you start smoking pot? If you started smoking pot without me, I swear I'll rip your heart out."

"No, I'm telling you the truth." He got out of bed and pulled on his underwear. "I know how it sounds, and you probably think I'm totally weird and creepy, but when you meet Owen you'll understand." He picked his blue jeans off the floor and took a folded Polaroid out of the back pocket. "I didn't expect you to believe me right away, so here's a picture."

Melissa took the photograph from him. "Holy shit, Toby! What is is that thing? Is that a mask?" that thing? Is that a mask?"

"No. It's real."

"Fuck you. You are not not friends with that thing." friends with that thing."

"I am. I swear."

"Come on, Toby, end the joke. There is nothing about this that I believe. If you've been cheating on me, just fess up to it instead of making us both look like idiots."

"I'm not cheating on you. I lost my virginity at twenty-eight-do you think I have a lot of opportunities?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"What?"

"Are you saying I'm ugly?"

"Huh? No. No, that's not what I meant at all. It was just a joke."

"This seems to be the day for failed jokes. Well, Toby, I'm sorry that your love life sucks. Hopefully in another twenty-eight years you'll find a nonrepulsive person to have sex with."

"That's not what I meant! What the fuck? This discussion isn't about anything like that! I'm trying to unload a gigantic bombshell about my monster friend!"

"You should leave."

Toby had expected that the conversation might spiral out of control, but not in this particular manner. "No! Get dressed! We're going out to see Owen. He's a big scary monster and you need to meet him. He's real. We haven't been dating that long in the grand scheme of things, but we've been together long enough that you know I'm just not going to take you out into the woods and have a friend jump out at you with a monster mask, right?"

"Do you love me?"

"Okay, listen, I refuse to let this turn into an argument about the state of our relationship. I refuse. You hear that? Complete and total refusal. The only thing we should be discussing is the lie I've been telling you about my grotesquely burned friend! By telling you the truth, I'm trying to take our relationship to the next level, so I guess the answer to your question is yes, I do love you, but that's not what the fuck we're supposed to be talking about right now, okay?"

"Why couldn't you tell me you loved me before?"

"Okay, you know what, I'm going to hang myself. I'm going to find a noose, throw it around my neck, and step right off a chair. Then I'll be dead, and the madness will be over, and we can all be happy again!"

"Maybe we should continue this tomorrow."

"Yeah, let's do that."

Toby's doorbell rang at sunrise.

"I'm ready to meet Owen now," Melissa said.

"How can he stand the cold?" Melissa asked, as they trudged through the snow.

"I don't know. I guess that's just what animals do. He's pretty hairy."

"You should buy him a space heater or something."

Toby chuckled, although he wasn't in a particularly humorous mood. He was nervous as hell. If you really stopped to think about it, which he had at length, this had the potential to be the single worst idea of his entire life.

On the other hand, it had the potential to be the best idea.

He'd be careful. He'd keep everything under control.

And he had a pistol in his jacket pocket. He had absolutely no intention of using it, and almost had left it at home...but, no, Owen was still a dangerous creature. He hadn't killed Larry and Nick, Toby had, but Owen had eaten them. What if he went berserk over the opportunity to taste more human flesh? Toby needed to have the gun with him. If things looked like they were going to get out of hand, he'd point it at Owen, Owen would cower away, and he'd get Melissa out of there.

He saw a real future with Melissa, and he needed to share this part of his life with her. It would all work out okay. Sure, there'd be some rocky points in today's encounter-gasping, looks of disbelief, maybe some accusations that Toby's mental state wasn't everything it could be-but it would be a huge relief to finally have everything out in the open.

Except the murders, of course. Those were staying well hidden.

"Remember that thing I did last Friday?" Melissa asked.

"Which one?"

"The show. With the toy."

"Oh, yeah. Of course. I'll never forget it."

"Keep it in mind, because if this does turn out to be a prank, you'll never see anything like that again."

"I completely understand."

They were at the final uphill portion, starting to get close to the cave, and Toby was beginning to feel physically ill. Maybe they should come back some other day, after he'd given Owen more time to prepare for the meeting. Maybe he should call off the whole thing. Or, instead of being a complete chickenshit...maybe he should see it through. Change his life for the better in a big way.

"You should wait here," he said. "I'll go up ahead and make sure everything's cool."

"No way. You're not leaving me in the woods by myself."

"I'm not abandoning you. Just checking things out."

"Toby, we're out here under the pretense that there's a giant monster living in this forest. Do you really think that I'm going to let you out of my sight?"

"Okay, that's fair. We'll stick together."

Before too much longer, the cave entrance came into view. Toby no longer threw rocks into it-these days he just walked up and called out Owen's name, but this time he thought he should be quite a bit more cautious and stay a safe distance away. "Owen!" he shouted. "I'm here with Melissa."

Melissa grabbed his hand. "All right, all of a sudden I'm really scared."

"Don't be. I'll protect you. But you won't need to be protected."

They waited.

"Owen!" Toby repeated. "Come out and meet her!"

"Are you sure he's in there?"

"No. He goes out sometimes. He also sleeps a lot, though. But do you see the tracks in the snow?"

"Yes. That's why I'm scared."

"You call him."

"I don't want to."

"Nothing's going to hurt you, I promise. Just call him."

Melissa hesitated, and then cupped her gloved hands around her mouth. "Ooooooowen! Ooooooowen!"

Owen emerged from the cave.

Melissa screamed.

"No, no, don't scream!" said Toby. "It's fine!"

"Oh my God!"

"It's fine, it's fine, I promise. He's not coming at you."

"We need to go, Toby, we need to go."

Toby held up his hand. "Stay back!" he told Owen. "Just stay where you are!"

Owen looked hurt and confused. He signed: Friend Friend?

"Yes. Friend. But you're kind of scary for her. It'll be fine. Everybody just stay calm. Melissa, don't run."

"I wasn't going to run." She stood there, staring at Owen. "That's not a mask. Holy shit, that's not a mask."

"You're right, it's not. But you see that he's not doing anything, right? He's not trying to hurt you. He's just staying there." He reached into his jacket pocket. "I'm going to give you the gun, but do not not point it at him unless you have to, okay? I'll go over to him, and you'll see that it's completely safe, but you'll have the gun. How does that sound?" point it at him unless you have to, okay? I'll go over to him, and you'll see that it's completely safe, but you'll have the gun. How does that sound?"