I've already told you about Ahaziah of Israel. He was the guy that G.o.d killed (100) for asking the wrong G.o.d if he would die after G.o.d burned to death 102 messengers for asking Elijah to come down from his hill so that Ahaziah could ask Elijah to ask G.o.d if he was going to die (even though he'd already been told that G.o.d was going to kill him for asking the wrong G.o.d).

But this story is not about him. It's about the other Ahaziah, King Ahaziah of Judah.

There are a couple things to keep in mind about him.

1. Ahaziah of Judah had an alias: Jehoahaz (2 Chronicles 21.17 and 2 Chronicles 25.23).

2. And he is the only person in the Bible (or anywhere else as far as I know) who was older than his own father. Here's how we know that.

Ahaziah of Judah began to reign when he was 42 years old after G.o.d killed his father Jehoram [by making his bowels fall out (122)].

Ahaziah the son of Jehoram king of Judah reigned. Forty and two years old was Ahaziah when he began to reign. 2 Chronicles 22.1-2 And his father's bowels fell out (with a little help from G.o.d) when he was 40 years old.

The LORD smote him [Jehoram] in his bowels with an incurable disease. And it came to pa.s.s ... his bowels fell out by reason of his sickness ... Thirty and two years old was he when he began to reign, and he reigned in Jerusalem eight years. 2 Chronicles 21.18-20 (2 Kings 8.26 says that Ahaziah was 22 years old when he began to reign, which means that he was both 22 and 42 years old when G.o.d made his dad's bowels fall out-and that's almost as cool as being two year older than your own father.) OK, but how did Ahaziah of Judah die?

For that we have to go back to the Jehu chronicles. You remember Jehu, don't you? The guy who madly drove around in his chariot killing people for G.o.d? Yeah, well, Ahaziah was on his list.

Jehu's first victim was Ahab's son, Jehoram (105), the king of Israel. (G.o.d wanted him killed since his father, Ahab, didn't kill a captured king.) But Ahaziah was with Jehoram at the time and was pursued and wounded by Jehu. Ahaziah fled to Megiddo and died there.

When Ahaziah the king of Judah saw this, he fled by the way of the garden house. And Jehu followed after him, and said, Smite him also in the chariot. And they did so ... And he fled to Megiddo, and died there. 2 Kings 9.27 Since I couldn't tell from this story whether or not Ahaziah died from the wound or later from natural causes, I left it off the list of G.o.d's killings.

But then I read the story in 2 Chronicles.

And Azariah the son of Jehoram king of Judah went down to see Jehoram the son of Ahab at Jezreel, because he was sick. And the destruction of Ahaziah was of G.o.d by coming to Joram [Jehoram]: for when he was come, he went out with Jehoram against Jehu the son of Nimshi, whom the LORD had anointed to cut off the house of Ahab. And it came to pa.s.s, that, when Jehu was executing judgment upon the house of Ahab, and found the princes of Judah, and the sons of the brethren of Ahaziah, that ministered to Ahaziah, he slew them. And he sought Ahaziah: and they caught him, (for he was hid in Samaria,) and brought him to Jehu: and when they had slain him, they buried him. 2 Chronicles 22.6-9 According to this story, Jehu killed Ahaziah while he was hiding out in Samaria. "And the destruction of Ahaziah was of G.o.d."

So I don't know who to believe. Did Ahaziah die in Meggido or in Samaria?

I'm not sure. But G.o.d approved of his killing, however and wherever he might have died. For "the destruction of Ahaziah was of G.o.d."

125. Joash, the princes, and army of Judah 2 Chronicles 24.24-25 Estimated Number Killed: 10,000 Joash, the princes, and army of Judah Here's another boring one. Sorry about that.

It starts with the spirit of G.o.d coming on Zechariah, which, of course, makes him condemn everybody else.

The Spirit of G.o.d came upon Zechariah the son of Jehoiada the priest, which stood above the people, and said unto them, Thus saith G.o.d, Why transgress ye the commandments of the LORD, that ye cannot prosper? because ye have forsaken the LORD, he hath also forsaken you. 2 Chronicles 24.20 Then the people get p.i.s.sed off at him, so they stone him (with stones).

And they conspired against him, and stoned him with stones at the commandment of the king [Joash] in the court of the house of the LORD. 24.21 As Zechariah died he asked G.o.d to avenge his death.

When he died, he said, The LORD look upon it, and require it. 24.22 So G.o.d sends "the host of Syria" to Judah to kill its princes.

At the end of the year ... the host of Syria came up against him: and they came to Judah and Jerusalem, and destroyed all the princes of the people from among the people. 24.23 And defeat the "very great" army of Judah, which the Syrians were able to do with "a small company of men" because the Lord delivered them into their hand.

For the army of the Syrians came with a small company of men, and the LORD delivered a very great host into their hand, because they had forsaken the LORD G.o.d of their fathers. So they executed judgment against Joash. 24.24 In the process, Joash was wounded and then killed in his bed.

When they were departed from him, (for they left him in great diseases,) his own servants conspired against him for the blood of the sons of Jehoiada the priest, and slew him on his bed, and he died 24.25 The Bible doesn't say how many died, but since the Lord delivered "a very great host" into the hand of the Syrians, I'll say 10,000.

126. G.o.d destroyed Amaziah 2 Chronicles 25.20-22, 27 Estimated Number Killed: 1,000

Amaziah and his soldiers

The first thing we are told about King Amaziah (besides when he began to reign and the name of his parents) is that he "did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, but not with a perfect heart."

Amaziah ... did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, but not with a perfect heart. 2 Chronicles 25.1-2 And the first thing that he did was murder the murderers of his father.

Now it came to pa.s.s, when the kingdom was established to him, that he slew his servants that had killed the king his father. 25.3 Next he killed 10,000 Edomites (children of Seir).

Amaziah strengthened himself, and led forth his people, and went to the valley of salt, and smote of the children of Seir ten thousand. 25.11 And then he rounded up another 10,000 Edomites and pushed them off a cliff. And "they all were broken in pieces."

And other ten thousand left alive did the children of Judah carry away captive, and brought them unto the top of the rock, and cast them down from the top of the rock, that they all were broken in pieces. 25.12 After he got back from slaughtering the Edomites, Amaziah began to worship the Edomite G.o.ds.

After that Amaziah was come from the slaughter of the Edomites, that he brought the G.o.ds of the children of Seir, and set them up to be his G.o.ds, and bowed down himself before them, and burned incense unto them. 25.14 Which, unlike throwing 10,000 people off a cliff, was not right in the eyes of the Lord.

So G.o.d sent a prophet to tell Amaziah that G.o.d was going to destroy him.

Wherefore the anger of the LORD was kindled against Amaziah, and he sent unto him a prophet, which said unto him ... G.o.d hath determined to destroy thee. 25.15-16 Then Amaziah had a meeting with King Joash of Israel, who has this to say to Amaziah: The thistle that was in Lebanon sent to the cedar that was in Lebanon, saying, Give thy daughter to my son to wife: and there pa.s.sed by a wild beast that was in Lebanon, and trode down the thistle. 25.18 Which means nothing at all to me.

But then Joash says something a bit more comprehensible.

Thou sayest, Lo, thou hast smitten the Edomites; and thine heart lifteth thee up to boast: abide now at home; why shouldest thou meddle to thine hurt, that thou shouldest fall, even thou, and Judah with thee? 25.19 Which means, I guess, "Back off, big guy."

But Amaziah didn't back off and Joash defeated him ("for it came of G.o.d").

But Amaziah would not hear; for it came of G.o.d, that he might deliver them into the hand of their enemies, because they sought after the G.o.ds of Edom. ... And Judah was put to the worse before Israel. 25.20-22 Although Amaziah's army was defeated by Joash's, Amaziah survived the battle. But years later there was a conspiracy against him and he was killed.

Now after the time that Amaziah did turn away from following the LORD they made a conspiracy against him in Jerusalem; and he fled to Lachish: but they sent to Lachish after him, and slew him there. 25.27 So G.o.d caused the death of Amaziah and the defeat of his army, and, therefore the death of many of his soldiers. So I'll add another 1000 to G.o.d's total.

127. G.o.d smote Ahaz with the king of Syria 2 Chronicles 28.5 Estimated Number Killed: 10,000

Ahaz and his soldiers

Ahaz was another king that G.o.d didn't like very much. He just wasn't enough like David to suit him.

Ahaz ... did not that which was right in the sight of the LORD, like David his father. 2 Chronicles 28.1 And, it's true; he did seem to lack parenting skills.

Moreover he ... burnt his children in the fire. 28.3 But worst of all, he was a compulsive incense burner, burning incense in the high places, and on the hills, and under every green tree in Judah.

He burnt incense in the high places, and on the hills, and under every green tree. 28.4 So, of course, G.o.d had to put a stop to that.

He did it in the usual way; he smote him by delivering him into the hand of another king (this time the king of Syria).

Wherefore the LORD his G.o.d delivered him into the hand of the king of Syria; and they smote him ... And he was also delivered into the hand of the king of Israel, who smote him with a great slaughter. 28.5 The text doesn't say how many of Judah's soldiers died in this smiting. But since in the next verse 120,000 soldiers die in one day, I figure it must have been at least 10,000.

128. G.o.d killed 120,000 valiant men for forsaking him 2 Chronicles 28.6 Number Killed: 120,000 Valiant men of Judah After G.o.d smote Ahaz (127) by delivering him into the hand of the Syrian king, he delivered him into the hand of another king (Pekah, the king of Israel) for some more smiting. I guess the Syrian king didn't smite Ahaz hard enough.

G.o.d should have been pleased with the second smiting, though, since it was "a great slaughter."

He [Ahaz] was also delivered into the hand of the king of Israel, who smote him with a great slaughter. 2 Chronicles 28.5b And it was a great slaughter, too. 120,000 valiant men died in one day! (And 200,000 women and children were taken for slaves.) For Pekah the son of Remaliah slew in Judah an hundred and twenty thousand in one day, which were all valiant men; because they had forsaken the LORD G.o.d of their fathers. ... And the children of Israel carried away captive of their brethren two hundred thousand, women, sons, and daughters. 28.6-8 But G.o.d wasn't pleased with this slaughter either. In fact, the fierce wrath of G.o.d was now on the smiters.

A prophet of the LORD was there, whose name was Oded: and he ... said unto them, Behold, because the LORD G.o.d of your fathers was wroth with Judah, he hath delivered them into your hand, and ye have slain them in a rage that reacheth up unto heaven. ... for the fierce wrath of the LORD is upon you. 28.9-11 You see, in the first smiting, the Syrians didn't kill enough people; in the second, the Israelites killed too many. G.o.d has a golden mean, sort of a Goldilocks standard for smiting. I'm guessing that G.o.d thought that 60,000 to 80,000 was the proper amount of smiting to pay forward King Ahaz for his children/incense burning activities.

In any case, the Israelites worked things out with G.o.d by sending the slaves back to Judah and giving them their stuff back. And G.o.d forgot his rage toward the Israelites and moved on to his next killing.

129. The fall of Jerusalem 2 Chronicles 36.17, Jeremiah 21.4-10 Estimated Number Killed: 10,000 Citizens of Jerusalem There are only two kinds of kings in the Bible: those that were like David and did right in the sight of the Lord and those that were not like David and did evil in the sight of the Lord. Zedekiah was in the latter group. He didn't humble himself in front of Jeremiah, he rebelled against Nebuchadnezzar, stiffened his neck, and hardened his heart.

Zedekiah ... did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD his G.o.d, and humbled not himself before Jeremiah the prophet speaking from the mouth of the LORD. And he also rebelled against king Nebuchadnezzar, who had made him swear by G.o.d: but he stiffened his neck, and hardened his heart from turning unto the LORD G.o.d of Israel. 2 Chronicles 36.11-13 And everyone else in Judah was just as bad. They did all the basic heathen-like abominations, polluted the temple. You name it.

Moreover all the chief of the priests, and the people, transgressed very much after all the abominations of the heathen; and polluted the house of the LORD which he had hallowed in Jerusalem. 36.14 They even ignored, mocked, and mistreated G.o.d's messengers.

And the LORD G.o.d of their fathers sent to them by his messengers, rising up betimes, and sending; because he had compa.s.sion on his people, and on his dwelling place. But they mocked the messengers of G.o.d, and despised his words, and misused his prophets. 36.15-16a Well, there's only so much of that that G.o.d will put up with. Finally he couldn't take it any more and unleashed his wrath upon them.

The wrath of the LORD arose against his people, till there was no remedy. 36.16b He sent the Babylonians (Chaldees) to slaughter the people of Jerusalem. Young men, little girls, old people-G.o.d had them all killed without pity.

Therefore he brought upon them the king of the Chaldees, who slew their young men with the sword in the house of their sanctuary, and had no compa.s.sion upon young man or maiden, old man, or him that stooped for age: he gave them all into his hand. 36.17 Well, not all, I guess. Some survived and were carried off to Babylon.

Jeremiah gets even more carried away with this story. Here's what he says: Thus saith the LORD G.o.d of Israel; Behold, I will turn back the weapons of war that are in your hands, wherewith ye fight against the king of Babylon, and against the Chaldeans ... And I myself will fight against you with an outstretched hand and with a strong arm, even in anger, and in fury, and in great wrath. ... I will deliver Zedekiah king of Judah, and his servants, and the people, and such as are left in this city from the pestilence, from the sword, and from the famine, into the hand of Nebuchadrezzar king of Babylon, and into the hand of their enemies, and into the hand of those that seek their life: and he shall smite them with the edge of the sword; he shall not spare them, neither have pity, nor have mercy. ... He that abideth in this city shall die by the sword, and by the famine, and by the pestilence: but he that goeth out, and falleth to the Chaldeans that besiege you, he shall live, and his life shall be unto him for a prey. For I have set my face against this city for evil, and not for good, saith the LORD: it shall be given into the hand of the king of Babylon, and he shall burn it with fire. Jeremiah 21:4-10 The Bible doesn't say how many G.o.d killed with the sword, famine, and disease. But according to Jeremiah, everyone in Jerusalem died, except for those who surrendered to Nebachadnezzar. So I'll guess 10,000.

130. G.o.d and Satan kill Job's children and slaves Job 1.14-19 Estimated Number Killed: 60 Job's 10 children and slaves This is the only killing in the Bible that Satan had anything to do with. And he didn't do it alone; G.o.d was a co-conspirator.

The story begins by introducing Job.

Job was a perfect man with 7 sons, 3 daughters, 7000 sheep, 3000 camels, 500 oxen, 500 she a.s.ses, and lots of slaves. He was the greatest man in the east.

There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared G.o.d, and eschewed evil. And there were born unto him seven sons and three daughters. His substance also was seven thousand sheep, and three thousand camels, and five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she a.s.ses, and a very great household; so that this man was the greatest of all the men of the east. Job 1.1-3 Job's sons liked to party a lot, and they often invited their sisters over to party with them.

His sons went and feasted in their houses, every one his day; and sent and called for their three sisters to eat and to drink with them. 1.4 Job worried that his sons (he didn't worry about his daughters) might sin while they were partying, so Job spent all his time killing animals for G.o.d in order to sanctify his sons.

When the days of their feasting were gone about ... Job sent and sanctified them, and rose up early in the morning, and offered burnt offerings according to the number of them all: for Job said, It may be that my sons have sinned, and cursed G.o.d in their hearts. Thus did Job continually. 1.5 One day the sons of G.o.d came over to G.o.d's place. And Satan was with them.

Now there was a day when the sons of G.o.d came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan came also among them. 1.6 G.o.d ignored his other sons, but was especially interested in Satan. He hadn't seen him for a while and wanted to know what he'd been up to lately.

And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? 1.7a Satan said that he'd been down hiking around on earth.

Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it. 1.7b G.o.d asked Satan if he'd seen Job, you know, the guy that is perfect, upright, G.o.d-fearing, and whatnot.

The LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth G.o.d, and escheweth evil? 1.8 Satan knew who G.o.d was talking about. He told G.o.d that Job had a good reason to be good. G.o.d made Job the biggest big shot east of Eden, protecting him from everything bad and giving him everything good.

Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, Doth Job fear G.o.d for nought? Hast not thou made an hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land. 1.9-10 Take away the protection and mess with his stuff, and he'll curse you to your face, Big Guy.

But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face. 1.11 So G.o.d said, "You're on, Satan. Go back down to earth and do whatever the h.e.l.l you want with his stuff. But don't do anything to him."

The LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. 1.12a So Satan left G.o.d's place and, presumably (although the Bible doesn't actually say so), went down to earth to visit Job.

So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD. 1.12b When Satan got down to earth, he found Job's children partying, as usual.

There was a day when his sons and his daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house: 1.13 And then all h.e.l.l broke loose.

A messenger came to tell Job that the Sabeans had taken his oxen and a.s.ses and killed all his slaves ("servants" in the KJV).

There came a messenger unto Job, and said, The oxen were plowing, and the a.s.ses feeding beside them: And the Sabeans fell upon them, and took them away; yea, they have slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. 1.14-15 And then, while Job was still talking to the first messenger, another messenger showed up, telling him that "a fire from G.o.d had fallen from heaven" and burned up Job's sheep and slaves (I guess some slaves must have survived the Sabean attack).

While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The fire of G.o.d is fallen from heaven, and hath burned up the sheep, and the servants, and consumed them; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. 1.16 And then while the second messenger was speaking, a third messenger arrived to tell Job that a wind came up and knocked down the party house, killing all of Job's children. (These three messengers were, of course, the only ones who survived.) While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, Thy sons and thy daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house: And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. 1.18-19 After Job heard these three messages he ripped up his clothes, shaved his head, fell on his face, and worshiped the G.o.d who had just murdered his children.

Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped. 1.20 Oh, and he also said that he was born naked and would die naked, G.o.d gives and takes away, blessed be his name.

And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. 1.21 G.o.d burned to death his slaves and animals and murdered his children, but Job didn't blame G.o.d.

In all this Job sinned not, nor charged G.o.d foolishly. 1.22 But G.o.d was to blame, even if Job didn't have the guts to say so.

We know that G.o.d and Satan killed Job's seven sons and three daughters. But Job also owned a lot of slaves, which were killed in G.o.d's bet with Satan, although the Bible doesn't say how many. I'll guess there were 50 slaves that died (some burned to death).

131. Hananiah Jeremiah 28.15-17 Number Killed: 1 Hananiah Whenever two prophets get together in the Bible, you can be pretty sure that one of them will soon be killed by G.o.d. Remember how G.o.d sent a lion to kill a prophet for believing another prophet's lie (87)? And then he sent another lion to kill another prophet for refusing to smite fellow prophet (97)? Yeah, well, the same thing happens to here to Hananiah, sans lion.

The trouble starts when Hananiah prophesies good news for the people of Judah. G.o.d was going to break the yoke of the king of Babylon and bring the people of Judah back home.

Hananiah ... the prophet ... spake ... in the presence of the priests and of all the people, saying, Thus speaketh the LORD of hosts, the G.o.d of Israel, saying, I have broken the yoke of the king of Babylon. Within two full years ... I will bring again to this place ... all the captives of Judah ... for I will break the yoke of the king of Babylon. Jeremiah 28.1-4 Which contradicted what Jeremiah had been telling everyone. Lately, in fact, Jeremiah was running around wearing a wooden yoke, symbolizing Nebuchadnezzar's absolute power over Israel. So Hananiah's good news was anathema to him.

Jeremiah replied with his usual sarcasm.

Amen: the LORD do so: the LORD perform thy words which thou hast prophesied, to bring again the vessels of the LORD's house, and all that is carried away captive, from Babylon into this place. 28.6 Then Hanaiah took Jeremiah's silly yoke and broke it in front of everyone.

Then Hananiah the prophet took the yoke from off the prophet Jeremiah's neck, and brake it. 28.10 And he repeated his prophecy about the end of Judah's exile within two years.

And Hananiah spake in the presence of all the people, saying, Thus saith the LORD; Even so will I break the yoke of Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon from the neck of all nations within the s.p.a.ce of two full years. 28.11 Jeremiah went away after that. But a little later G.o.d told Jeremiah to tell Hananiah that he wants everyone to serve Nebuchadnezzar, even the animals.

Go and tell Hananiah, saying, Thus saith the LORD ... I have put a yoke of iron upon the neck of all these nations, that they may serve Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon; and they shall serve him: and I have given him the beasts of the field also. 28.14 Oh, yeah, and that within a year G.o.d would kill him.

Hear now, Hananiah; The LORD hath not sent thee; but thou makest this people to trust in a lie. Therefore thus saith the LORD; Behold, I will cast thee from off the face of the earth: this year thou shalt die, because thou hast taught rebellion against the LORD. 28.15-16 And, by golly, that's what happened.

So Hananiah the prophet died the same year in the seventh month. 28.17 132. Ezekiel's wife Ezekiel 24.16-18 Number Killed: 1 Ezekiel's wife I guess G.o.d was trying to make some kind of point in this killing.

G.o.d had just revealed some important stuff to Ezekiel.

Thus saith the Lord G.o.d ... Woe to the b.l.o.o.d.y city, to the pot whose sc.u.m is therein, and whose sc.u.m is not gone out of it! ... That it might cause fury to come up to take vengeance; I have set her blood upon the top of a rock, that it should not be covered. ... Woe to the b.l.o.o.d.y city! ... Heap on wood, kindle the fire, consume the flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be burned ... that the filthiness of it may be molten in it, that the sc.u.m of it may be consumed. She hath wearied herself with lies, and her great sc.u.m went not forth out of her: her sc.u.m shall be in the fire. ... I the LORD have spoken it: it shall come to pa.s.s, and I will do it; I will not go back, neither will I spare. Ezekiel 24:3-14 So there you have it. G.o.d is going to make a b.l.o.o.d.y, sc.u.m-filled soup using human blood, bones, and body parts. It will come to pa.s.s and G.o.d will spare no one.