Speech! Speech!

Paris must have been getting used to seeing me about the place by now after all, I'd played 'friendly voice in crowd' only that morning and and stopped his valued trophy getting scorched, into the bargain. So when he noticed me floundering after them through the common asphodel and other drought-resistant flora, he seemed quite pleased: called a halt and waited for me; then, when I caught up, offered to let me carry the prisoner, as a reward. I declined the honour, pleading a slipped discus; and he quite understood, being a martyr to that sort of thing himself. stopped his valued trophy getting scorched, into the bargain. So when he noticed me floundering after them through the common asphodel and other drought-resistant flora, he seemed quite pleased: called a halt and waited for me; then, when I caught up, offered to let me carry the prisoner, as a reward. I declined the honour, pleading a slipped discus; and he quite understood, being a martyr to that sort of thing himself.

So we entered the city in close formation: Paris at point, chin in air; Steven centre, head bowed in shame, as was only fitting; and yours truly bringing up the rear, the very picture of loyal retainer and murmuring, 'Remember you are mortal, Commander', whenever the conqueror looked like overdoing the clasped hands above the head business. Which was pretty often, I must say: because apparently Steven was the only prisoner he'd ever captured and naturally he wanted to make the most of it.

I didn't blame him in the least. A strange man, Paris; but one you couldn't help liking. Obviously he loathed the war, and everything about it; so it was easy to underestimate him, on that account. But for all that, he'd just proved that he could use a sword as devastatingly as the best of them, if there were really no alternative.

He just didn't fancy getting killed for no good reason, like Hector had been and where's the harm in that, I ask? I suppose when you come right down to it, the trouble was that he was an intellectual which means, I take it, that you need to know the reason for everything, before not doing it. Well, even the best of military families is likely to throw up one of those every generation or so; and it probably explains why we got on so well because I'm one myself in a quiet way, as you may have noticed.

Anyway, it was quite a decent little triumph, considering no one had had any time to prepare for it. A couple of trumpeters stopped larking about with their dice, as soon as they noticed us; and got fell in behind, as the expression is. After a brief discussion amongst themselves, they decided on a suitable programme; whereupon we were treated to a selection of gems from 'The Fair Maid of Troy' and that soon brought the crowds out. Flags were waved in a desultory manner, and a startled cheer or two rang out; and as soon as he saw he'd got as much of their attention as was ever likely, Paris climbed on top of the TARDIS which was still, thank Zeus, where he'd left it and made a short speech.

'My friends,' he began, which was pushing it a bit, I thought, 'n.o.body can deny that total war is an unpleasant pursuit especially when fought under the present conditions; against enemies who refuse to come out and be defeated like gentlemen!

'However, today I have met one honourable exception: my prisoner, the redoubtable and hitherto undefeated, deservedly popular hero, Diomede. Alone among the Greeks, he has dared to face me on the field of battle in single combat. So then; let's hear it for Diomede!'

After the very briefest respectful silence, he proceeded.

'Well, as you so rightly see, it did him no good; and that, in my opinion, makes his action all the more commendable, as he must have known from the outset how it would turn out! He had heard of my reputation, but nevertheless, he did not flinch from what he considered to be his duty. A strong man, you will notice

and as worthy an opponent as I am likely to find in a c.o.o.n's age!

'And so I say this: it's a start! If only some of his companions are emboldened by his example to face me or perhaps, rather, to face my brother, Troilus, who really ought to be given more of a chance then the war can be brought to a swift and victorious end.

'So, in conclusion, let me remind you that we fight for the honour of the House of Priam, my well-known father; we fight for the honour of Troy itself; and lastly, we fight for the honour of Helen as who has not, at some time or other?

'Thank you for your loyal attention, my friends and may the Great Horse of Asia be over you always!'

At least that's what I think think he said: and then sensing with his orator's instinct that he'd just about covered everything, he slid painfully off the TARDIS; and Steven and I followed him in to the palace, beneath a loyal hail of well-meant vegetable offerings. he said: and then sensing with his orator's instinct that he'd just about covered everything, he slid painfully off the TARDIS; and Steven and I followed him in to the palace, beneath a loyal hail of well-meant vegetable offerings.

No public life will never be for me.

16.

The Trojans at Home I will say this for the Trojans: they did themselves uncommonly well when it came to the basic luxuries of life! It's odd, you know one gets so used to the idea that we Greeks were the ones who rocked the cradle of civilization, and all the rest of it, that it comes as something of a shock to realize that the Trojans were way ahead of us when it came to gracious living. You won't find that that in the history books, of course, because we wrote most of 'em ourselves; but I tell you, I was actually in the history books, of course, because we wrote most of 'em ourselves; but I tell you, I was actually there there, before the deluge, and I saw the whole thing: the cantilevered aqueducts, the under-floor heating, the splendid sanitary arrangements the lot!

The architecture of the palace, for instance, was like nothing else I'd seen this side of Babylon and I've been to most places, and and beyond! Even from the outside, the building had been impressive; inside, it took your breath away and a greater contrast to Agamemnon's tent could scarcely be imagined. beyond! Even from the outside, the building had been impressive; inside, it took your breath away and a greater contrast to Agamemnon's tent could scarcely be imagined. That That took your breath away for quite different reasons. took your breath away for quite different reasons.

Marble featured prominently and where they'd got it from I can't imagine! We Athenians have some in and around the Acropolis, of course and long may it remain there but then, we're sitting on top of the stuff; whereas Troy was built on oil-bearing shale, which is no use to anybody. So presumably Priam's ancestors must have hauled it with them from wherever they came from in the first place which shows confidence, if nothing else! I mean, you can just imagine it, can't you? 'We are are going to found a city, I tell you; so just get that Babylonian column back on your shoulders, and look pleasant!' Otherwise mutter and grumble, all the way to the coast with the Queen Mother saying she'd liked everything better where it was... going to found a city, I tell you; so just get that Babylonian column back on your shoulders, and look pleasant!' Otherwise mutter and grumble, all the way to the coast with the Queen Mother saying she'd liked everything better where it was...

All idle speculation, of course but anyway, there it was now; festooned here and there with silks and tapestries showing Hercules and people about their vainglorious business and pictures of horses everywhere, with details of their track records and pedigrees worked in gold thread on a giant ivory stud-book.

There was even a picture of Helen's father a swan, if you remember which she must have brought with her from Sparta.

Probably s.n.a.t.c.hed it from her dressing table at the last minute, with Paris teetering on the ladder with the luggage, and saying, 'For G.o.d's sake, woman, we can't take everything everything!'

Anyway, most of the Royal Household had a.s.sembled for refreshments in the dining-hall by the time we arrived; and very interesting it was to see them all together, for once. Most of the princes I didn't know, naturally; but I'm not at all sure that Priam did either there were so d.a.m.n' many of them!

Deiphobus I'd heard of, and he must have been about somewhere, but I couldn't place him.

That was the trouble, I suppose: the Trojans were just one big, happy, well-off and privileged family which is decadent and reactionary. While the Greeks were a quarrelsome bunch of unscrupulous riff-raff without two morals to rub together which is progressive; and meant that they had to win in the end, because of the inevitable tide of history, I'm told; although I don't see it myself.

Anyway, at least young Troilus was unmistakeable only about Vicki's age, I would say, and absolutely the G.o.d Apollo to the life. Or possibly Hermes? One of those devilish good-looking ones, who zip about Olympus, you know.

And the nice thing was, he seemed to be completely unaware of it just a pleasant, unspoilt, all-Trojan boy; with promise of being every bit as much a force to be reckoned with as his brother Hector if he managed to live long enough, that is. And I wouldn't have banked on that at the time, knowing as I did what the Doctor and Odysseus were cooking up for them beyond the city walls.

There were only three ladies present: and one of them was Vicki or Cressida, as I suppose I should call her now and she was obviously enjoying herself no end. She was sitting in the place of honour, at Priam's right hand dressed like a princess; and looking absolutely radiant, as princesses always do. My word she had done well for herself since this morning, and no mistake! A complete transformation! No longer the lovable young tom-boy s.p.a.ce-urchin; but a raving beauty, secure in the knowledge of her newly discovered devastating powers, which at the moment she was turning full blast on poor young Troilus, who sat at her feet looking as if he didn't know his heart from tea-time he was eating it out, anway; that much was quite clear!

'Well, good luck to them both,' I thought; 'it had to happen sometime and the sooner the better, the way things are!'

This view was obviously not favoured by the second lady present, whom we have met before. Ca.s.sandra, seething with ill-concealed malice, was toying absent-mindedly with a gem-encrusted goblet, as if trying to remember the exact formula for turning young lovers into frogs. What an unpleasant woman, to be sure!

But the third of the trio couldn't have cared less what was going on as long as the rest of the men gave her their full and undivided attention. 'What's one adolescent princeling more or less?' Helen seemed to be thinking; 'there's bound to be plenty more along in a moment.'

I suppose I should try to describe her although it isn't easy. Other even, arguably better writers than I, have tried; and made a thoroughly inadequate mess of it. And I think I know the reason or one of the reasons, anyway.

Helen, you see, was one of those women who are not only all things to all men; but who are different for each of those men that's the point.

Do this now as they say when they're trying to sell you something: write down your own ideal of absolutely perfect, quintessential feminine beauty why should I do all the work?

and that would be Helen for you. But for you, alone! Because I'll bet if you showed that description of yours to someone else who'd seen or imagined her, he'd proceed to describe someone quite different his own ideal, you see?

Why, even her hair seemed to change colour while you were actually looking at her: and her figure seemed to flow and mould itself from one sensuous shape to another, like an amoeba looking for a meal! It was quite uncanny. Was she tall or short, plump and voluptuous, or slim and athletic? Impossible to say.

All I do know, is that whatever whatever she looked like in fact, the image of what you she looked like in fact, the image of what you thought thought she was would be what you'd been looking for all your life; and what you wanted right now, thank you very much! And furthermore, what you wanted right now, would be what you'd always remember as long as you lived. she was would be what you'd been looking for all your life; and what you wanted right now, thank you very much! And furthermore, what you wanted right now, would be what you'd always remember as long as you lived. I've I've never forgotten her, and I'm going on eighty but d.a.m.ned if to this day I can tell you why. Just one of those things. never forgotten her, and I'm going on eighty but d.a.m.ned if to this day I can tell you why. Just one of those things.

As to her voice... well, to be honest, I don't recall her actually saying anything but then, with her looks, whatever they were, she didn't need to. Oh, no doubt she made the odd remark, like 'Pa.s.s the Oriental spices, would you?' but if so, I don't remember. No a neat trick she had, and no mistake!

Menelaus must have been mad to let her go; but Paris would have been mad not to have taken her; and that of course, was the insoluble root of the whole stupid trouble. I'd have died for her, myself and very nearly did, come to that.

Still, I don't know... it would have been very tiring living with Helen; with everyone from milkman to tax-inspector trying to get her alone for a moment; so perhaps I'm well out of it? But you can't help thinking even now can you? Well, at any rate.

I can't!

But enough of maudlin fantasy and vain regrets. I have a story to tell, and must get on with it...

17.

Ca.s.sandra Claims a Kill In spite of Paris understandably wanting to make the big entrance, n.o.body seemed to notice us much at first. Troilus, you see, was looking at his Cressida; Ca.s.sandra was glaring at the pair of them; and all the others were looking at Helen; who, in turn, was affectionately contemplating her reflection in a bowl of soup.

So for a while we hovered in the offing; while Priam did his best to ply Cressida with shrewd questions about the future. And he wasn't getting very far, because she kept changing the subject.

No fool, that girl! In fact, as far as questions were concerned, she was making most of the running.

'How on earth,' she asked, helping herself to another slice of breast of peac.o.c.k, 'do you manage to live like this, when you're under seige?'

'Well,' said Priam, modestly, 'my nephew, Aeneas, brings us a little something from time to time. He's in charge of our mobile force, d'you see? Raids the Greeks supply lines with his cavalry. They think it's barbarian bandits,' he chuckled; 'but in fact, they do contrive to keep us in a certain style.'

As a grand inquisitor, he'd have been nowhere! All this would have been nuts and wine to Agamemnon, I couldn't help thinking.

'I didn't know such a thing as cavalry existed yet,' she said, reaching for the lotus sauce with a tablespoon. Still a child in many ways, in spite of everything.

'Oh, bless my soul, yes,' said Priam, ignoring the gaffe, 'we're all hors.e.m.e.n at heart, you know. The Greeks laugh at us for our horse-G.o.ds: but I sometimes think that if we'd kept all our strength in cavalry, we'd have done far better. Swept 'em back into the sea where they belong, years ago. No, to be honest, I'm afraid we've gone rather soft in here, behind the walls.

There's nothing like security, Cressida, to sap the initiative so think of that, before you go looking for it. Take my advice,' he said, glaring at Troilus, 'and before you think of settling down, get yourself a horse. A horse is a fine animal; a good horse will carry the day every time. The very last word in warfare, a horse is! That's why a Trojan will do anything for a horse!'

This, one might have thought, could well have exhausted the subject of horses; but Cressida paused with a forkful of imported Herperidean asparagus half-way to her lips. 'It's funny you should say that about horses...' she reflected.

'Funny? Why, what do you mean?' said Priam, prepared to be offended. 'What's funny about a horse?'

'Oh, nothing really... just reminded me of a story I read, a long time ago...'

The fork continued its interrupted journey, and Priam watched it with interest.

'A story about this war, by any chance?'

'Well, yes but nothing of any importance, I'm sure. It's just a silly legend...'

'What sort of silly legend? Now look here, young Cressida, I'm relying on you to tell us everything you know, before you eat yourself to I mean, if you really do come from the future, the smallest detail may be important!'

'I suppose it may,' acknowledged Vicki. 'Troilus, you're not eating anything. Aren't you hungry?'

Troilus blushed, and admitted to having rather lost his appet.i.te just lately.

'But you must have something, you know, or you won't keep your strength up.'

What a ridiculous remark! The boy was a rippling ma.s.s of muscle!

'Go on, you must force yourself,' she persevered, offering him her plate...

Greater love et cetera... But Priam interrupted. 'Never mind Troilus and his anaemia! I want to hear this legend about a horse. I like a good horse story,' he explained unnecessarily.

'Oh, well,' she began; 'it's just that the Greeks '

But at this moment Paris coughed, and stepped forward to take his share of delayed limelight. On such trivial circ.u.mstances rest the destinies of nations!

'Father,' he announced, 'I've captured a Greek!' And like Achilles, not so many hours ago, he looked in vain for popular acclamation. It seemed to be the dawning of the age of the anti-hero. No one seemed in the least interested or impressed.

In fact, quite the contrary. 'Confound you, Paris!' exclaimed Priam. 'When will you learn not to come bursting in here when I'm busy?' The two faithful trumpeters took the hint, paused in mid-fanfare, and sidled back where they came from.

'I'm sorry, father, I just thought you might want to question him...'

'Well, so I may, in due course, but Great Heavens that isn't him him is it? What in Hades do you want to bring him into the banquetting hall for? Can't you see we're in the middle of dinner? Bringing in rotten prisoners, scattering mud and blood everywhere! Get him out of here!' is it? What in Hades do you want to bring him into the banquetting hall for? Can't you see we're in the middle of dinner? Bringing in rotten prisoners, scattering mud and blood everywhere! Get him out of here!'

Paris took a deep breath, and squared, approximately, his shoulders: 'He is not not in the least rotten he is an officer, and perfectly clean. In fact, he's a hero, and one of their very best, so I think you should speak to the man, especially as he's come all this way. Step forward, Diomede!' in the least rotten he is an officer, and perfectly clean. In fact, he's a hero, and one of their very best, so I think you should speak to the man, especially as he's come all this way. Step forward, Diomede!'

As Steven obeyed, Cressida looked reluctantly away from Troilus for one moment and choked over an olive the next.

'Steven,' she squeaked; 'What on earth are you doing here dressed like that?'

Steven cast his eyes to heaven, as they say. 'Please be quiet, Vicki,' he hissed through the gritted teeth he kept at the corner of his mouth. But too late, of course: the damage was done.

Priam recoiled the picture of a king who's been put upon.

' What What was that he called her?' he enquired icily. was that he called her?' he enquired icily.

Ca.s.sandra now took centre-stage; the picture of a prophetess who'd told everyone as much. 'You heard, didn't you?' she asked, superfluously. 'That was the name she called herself when we found her! And And she recognized him, too! And since he's a Greek, what more proof do you want that she's a spy? Kill her! Kill both of them! Kill! Kill! Kill!' she recognized him, too! And since he's a Greek, what more proof do you want that she's a spy? Kill her! Kill both of them! Kill! Kill! Kill!'

Well, that seemed to sum up the general feeling of the meeting; and as Vicki ran idiotically to Steven for protection, instead of leaving things to Troilus and Paris to sort out, I sidled inconspicuously after the trumpeters. There didn't seem to be anything further I could usefully do; but I thought it might be a good idea at this point, to let the Doctor know what was going on. I wanted to meet him anyway and this seemed like the perfect opportunity.

18.