"But things wouldn't have been any different if I were a farmer, or a butcher, or the president."

I'm taken back by this answer, "what do you mean? How can you be so sure?"

"What I mean," he hesitates, "is that as much as your mother loved me, she just wasn't built to be a wife and mother."

"I don't understand."

"She always had the propensity to be a party girl. I think it's why she was drawn to be from day one - well, that and my great looks and charm of course."

I chuckle apprehensively.

"She always wanted 'more' - more excitement, more people, more alcohol, more of a high. Nothing was ever enough for her. For me, it was just part of the life - and yes - I got carried away for a short time, but when I realized what I was doing, and the consequences it was having on my life - on you and your mother especially, I put an end to it."

I sit in silence, shocked at what I'm hearing.

"Everything and everyone around me was suffering, but it didn't take me long to see that, and once I did, I put an end to it all. I brought myself back down to earth - to reality, and put my focus back into my family and my music. Your mother though, she was too far gone, but in hindsight, I think that's what she always wanted. She was always reaching for the stars, never satisfied being on the ground. I used to blame myself for her death."

"I know."

"It took me years, but I finally realized, it wasn't my fault. She would have followed that path regardless of what I did. Yes - my career, my lifestyle - gave her an open invitation to what she always wanted, but she would have found it some other way if it didn't. That's something I'm now certain about."

"Wow," I reply.

"Yes. Don't judge her for it, Annika, she always loved you. I know in her heart she wanted to be a good mother to you. She just didn't know how. She didn't have time to figure it all out. Her life ended way too soon," he finishes.

I can hear the sadness in his voice. He's been carrying so much pain for a long time.

"Thanks for telling me that, dad."

"Of course, Annie. You deserve to know. I can't have you living your life thinking your mother's passing was because of what we did for a living. We all make choices. She would have made that same choice for herself. It was in her blood."

"Is it in my blood too?" I blurt out.

My father laughs, "oh, no. Don't even think that for a minute."

We sit in silence. That's exactly what I've believed for far too long to think otherwise.

He speaks again, "you have your mother's eyes. You have her determination and of course, her tenacity," he kids, likely referring to how much of a stubborn ass I can be, "but you have a strength and a fire that burns from within. You know the difference between reality and fantasy. You know that sometimes you have to turn off all the noise in your head and let your heart lead the way. She was never able to do that."

What? Is he a mind reader now too? Jeez.

"Thanks, dad. I needed to hear that."

"I can tell. I'm your father, I know these things. So when are you going to be in town again?"

"I might be there soon. My firm is trying to set up a show at The Reading Room."

Did I just say that? Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. I haven't made a decision yet - or have I?

"Wow! That brings back some memories."

"Yes, it does." For both of us.

"I still play there on occasion. What kind of show?"

"Just a couple of our clients. Steele Rush and Brianna Bell. Nothing is set in stone yet."

"Steele Rush? Remember how google eyed you would get when he would play there?"

"No," I lie.

"If that's what you want to tell yourself," he quips, "but I do. I may not have been around all that much, but there are some things a father never forgets. His daughter's first true love is one."

"Come on, dad." I'm glad he can't see me because I'm blushing.

"Well, the past is the past. Then again, history is bound to repeat itself, as they say. Will you keep me posted? I would love to have you here for a visit."

"Of course, dad."

"Thanks, Annie."

"It was nice talking to you. Thank you for making me feel a little better, and for being honest with me about mom."

"Anything for you."

I disconnect the call. I want to tell my father that I love him, but it's not something we ever got in the habit of doing. I know he knows, and that's good enough.

I sit back on the couch and review all of the information he just gave me. I've blamed the rock star life for my mother's downfall for so long, I never even considered it was caused by something much deeper than that. I never attempted to look at it all from another perspective. I've spent my whole life swearing off fame because of it. More importantly, I let Steele go.

Well, I have two days to try and figure out my entire future. No big deal. I laugh out loud at the thought.

I consider everything that needs to be resolved and realize that what scares me more than anything, is that I could make the decision to be with Steele and he may very well cast me aside. Who would blame him? I've pushed him away enough times. I may have ruined any chance we could have had. Then again, love or not, how do I know if he's even what I really want? ______________ Weekends usually fly by, but this one just dragged on. I have never wanted Monday to come faster than I did this entire weekend. I barely slept at all. I arrived at the office bright and early, before almost everyone else.

I absent-mindedly read and reply to emails, watching the clock and wishing time would move faster. Not like whatever I decide is what will ultimately come to be anyway. I'm not the only one involved in this whole master plan Jayne concocted; although I should commend her on her vision. If my entire future wasn't resting on it, I would actually think it was pretty ingenious.

I somehow make it to ten o'clock, which is the time I settled on 'popping in' on Jayne. I walk to her office and try to look as casual as possible when I knock on the door.

"Come in," she calls.

"Morning, Jayne."

"Good morning, Annika. How was your weekend?" she asks, finally looking up from what she's doing.

"It was okay. Mind if I sit down?"

"Sure. I have a few minutes before my meeting. Who schedules a meeting on a Monday morning anyway?" she quips.

"I know, right?" I reply with a short giggle.

Technically, I did. I've been planning this talk with Jayne all weekend. If I didn't want to seem desperate, I would have been waiting here when she got to the office.

"Did you have time to think about what you want to do?"

"I did."

"And?"

"And, I think it's a good idea. I would like to keep my job and I think the whole arrangement would be in the best interest of the company and our clients," I answer with the reply I had carefully constructed and rehearsed.

"I'm happy to hear that. I also assumed you would say that, so I already planted some seeds on Friday. I made a few calls and reached out to some contacts to get the ball rolling. Hopefully we will have an answer this week and know if everyone involved will be on board. Then, we can get a date set and make it happen."

Well, then.

I look at Jayne with my mouth open.

"Come on, Annika, I knew you were going to agree to it. Why wouldn't you? I didn't want anyone dragging their feet on this. The damage has been done," she looks at me, and I know she's alluding to the short affair between Steele and I, "and Tina needs to get Brianna in check. I wasn't going to wait. There are too many reputations at stake."

"What is my role in all of this?"

Jayne contemplates my question before answering, "I haven't decided yet. I don't know if I want you directly involved at this point - or what I want you involved in. I don't think you and Steele should be seen together or have any contact for that matter."

That won't be a problem.

"That makes sense. Does that mean someone else is going to handle Steele Rush for now?"

"Yes and no. I will be the main contact. You already did the majority of the work anyway. If and when this plan gets put into motion, we'll revisit your position in that regard."

"Sounds fair."

"It's more than fair. Let's just hope this all works out."

"I will keep my fingers crossed."

"Excellent. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get upstairs for my meeting," Jayne says with a look of annoyance.

"Sure." I stand to leave, "thanks for doing all of this Jayne. I really appreciate it."

"No problem, Annika. Shit happens, cleaning it up is my job."

I laugh, "and here I thought you had such a glamorous life."

Jayne winks at me and I turn to leave.

I walk back to my office feeling somewhat better about my job. I don't know what's going to happen. I thought making the decision to participate in this whole idea was the hard part, but now I know, it wasn't.

Now that it's done and the ball is rolling, I have nothing left to do but wait.

__________.

Since Jayne asked me to take a back seat with Steele Rush, she assigned me to some of the smaller accounts to work on for the time being. I do my best to keep busy with those, but I can't help think about what the future will bring.

I don't want to be obsessive about it or ask too many questions. I make an effort to remain professional about the whole thing, checking in with Jayne only once at the end of the week, but she doesn't have anything new to report back.

Every time I see Tina, I casually ask if she knows anything without sounding too interested. All she can say is that Brianna Bell is so excited about the whole idea, that she's already been more cooperative. Even though she's been advised not to, she did tweet a few times about the possibility of meeting Steele Rush.

A couple of weeks pass with no definite answers. I pick up my phone to call Steele every single day, but I never do. If he wanted to talk to me, if he really loved me, wouldn't he reach out to me? Maybe he realized that having me in his life was just something that sounded good at the time. Maybe leaving was the best choice I could have made. Maybe there was more to his relationship with Jasmine than he let on. Whatever he thought we could have had together, was just a fantasy from long ago.

I've been keeping an eye on the tabloids and celebrity news since I left. Thankfully, I haven't seen much of Steele other than photos from his tour which is now over.

Then, on Saturday night, while I sat at my kitchen table eating take out in my pajamas, it happened.

I was scrolling through my social media pages and I saw it. My jaw fell open and everything came to a halt. I enlarged the picture in the article to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me.

There it was for the whole world to see. Steele looking as gorgeous as ever in ripped jeans and a tight fitting black tee shirt, standing in his signature rock star pose with his thumbs hooked on his pockets. Then draped over his shoulder in a skin tight black leather mini dress was none other than, Jasmine.

I push my plate away, no longer hungry. Against my better judgement, I read the caption and the short article. The two of them attended a party together for some celebrity studded birthday party. Of course they did.

Steele was full of shit from the get go. Jasmine was the one telling the truth. There was something between them. He lied. He made me think she was crazy when all along, she was just protecting what was hers.

Or am I reading too much into this? I've seen plenty of pictures of famous people that I know are made out to be something they're not. Steele and Jasmine are in a band together. It wouldn't be that strange for the two of them to go out together. I should know the facts before I jump to conclusions.

Then again, am I? I was there. I saw enough to know. I should have been smarter. I shouldn't have let old feelings about Steele cloud the reality of it all. Oh my God. I feel like such a fool.

I force myself to close my laptop and walk away. I pace the floor for several minutes, arguing with myself about what I saw. On one hand, it could be nothing more than the paparazzi capturing a great photo op. On the other hand, I could have been made the fool all along.

There's only one way to find out for sure. I pick up my phone and dial Steele's number. By the third ring, I realize that calling him was a terrible idea, but it's too late. I'm disappointed when I get his voicemail, but I know it's for the best. What would I say to him anyway? I'm the one who left. He can do whatever - and whoever - he wants. It's not my business.

I need to push my feelings aside. Whatever I thought I felt doesn't matter. Whatever I believed he felt, was obviously nothing. Whatever I thought we could have had was nothing more than fantasy. I'm just like every other horny groupie. Jayne might have been kidding, but the statement couldn't have been any more accurate.

Chapter 13.

I trudge through my third Monday since Jayne's plan was hatched. Not like I'm counting or anything. Right around lunch time, my cell phone rings. When I look at the screen, I see Steele's phone number. I stare at my phone like it's about to explode. I don't answer. I can't. Calling him on Saturday night was a stupid thing to do. The moment has passed and I have nothing to say.

He could have assumed it was work related, but I wouldn't have called on a Saturday night for work. I'm such an idiot. I let the call go to voicemail and anxiously await hearing his voice on the message. I sit there, staring at the phone in my hand, willing it to signal a voicemail - wondering why it's taking so long. Several minutes pass before I concede - he didn't leave one.

Fuck. I'm going to drive myself crazy like this.

"Annika? Are you okay?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine," I reply, putting my phone down on the desk.