February 1

I need a new pair of shoes, DSF.

Aren't you glad I told you? I only have one pair that I really like to wear and they're coming apart on the side. I saw a pair I like, but I didn't even try them on because they were too expensive. Now I have to decide if I want to try and find another pair somewhere, or if I should keep checking on this pair and wait for them to go on sale. If they went on sale for 60% off, I could afford them. But what are the chances of them being marked down that much, especially in the next few weeks? I know. I'm dreaming. I need to face reality and go find something else.

Now, if I asked my Aunt Marti to get them for me, I know she would and the price wouldn't make her blink. But I don't feel right about that. I know Marti likes to buy clothes for me and she never acts as if it's a burden. I just don't know how that makes my mom feel since Marti can afford to buy things that my parents can't afford to buy. It's more important to me that I be a good caretaker of the things I have than to collect more stuff. My parents have taught me that. My dad fixes things when they break rather than going out and buying a new one to replace it. My mom has fewer clothes than anyone I know but she always looks nice and she never complains. I think there's a sort of dignity that comes with making do with whatever you have.

But I still definitely need a new pair of shoes. Definitely.

April 4

Do you hear the wind, DSF?

It's been stormy for five days now. Wet and cold and gray. We used to have spring days like this in Wisconsin but I don't remember having this much rain since we moved here. It's kind of depressing.

May 28

h.e.l.lo, DSF.

My life has been full of school, church, work, friends. Sorry I haven't checked in with you more. Yesterday was Katie's birthday and we had a huge party at this pizza place called Sam's. I planned it as a surprise and invited everyone I could think of from school and church. I told Katie I wanted to take her out for her birthday and that it would be my treat but all I could afford was Sam's. I don't know if she had some suspicions or not, but she went along without any complaints. I told her I wanted to see something in the back room. She followed me in and everyone jumped up and said surprise. It was great!

We had a gummy worm fight from this bag of gummies that one of the guys brought and we threw those wiggly worms all over the place. I got one in my hair and Katie got one down her shirt. The gross ones were the ones they licked to make them stick on the wall and then picked them back up again and threw at people.

Todd and Doug came and they said they tried to talk Rick into coming but he had a date. Are we surprised? Todd and Doug and Rick are all roommates in San Diego. Yes, that one is surprising. One never knows what relationships are going to come back around again. Don't be quick to burn any bridges, right?

June 11

Dear Friend of Silence, Tomorrow is the last day of school. My junior year went by way too fast! I think it was my hardest year as far as the amount of homework and trying to balance school and job and friends and everything. I'm feeling real melancholy tonight. It's like something is missing because I don't have anything to particularly look forward to this summer.

Two summers ago was when I came to California to stay with Bob and Marti. Last summer Paula came and we ended up going to Maui. This summer there is absolutely nothing on the schedule. Not even a family vacation. And who knows how much I'll get to see Todd since he said he's going to be working this summer and maybe taking a summer school cla.s.s.

It all feels so uneventful. Katie wants to go to summer camp with the church youth group. I think that's sounding more and more like a good idea. I'm going to talk to Luke about it and see if I can still sign up to go.

My brother is playing Little League softball and he got a two-base hit last week. I think it was the highlight of his life. David is still a pest, but as he's getting older, he's getting more tolerable. I think he might turn into a fairly nice kid by the time he gets to high school. However, by then, I'll be off to college and I won't see him much. Isn't it funny that I'm even thinking of that now? And that I'm feeling sad about not being around my brother when he's in high school? I told you I was feeling melancholy.

July 10

DSF, will you remind me to get more details upfront from Katie next time she comes up with a great idea?

I can't believe this. Katie talked me into going to camp and now she's not going. The worst part is that I thought we were going to be the campers when she dreamed up this event. But no. She signed us up to be counselors and so yours truly is going to be a camp counselor and Katie Weldon, the big flake, is staying home.

Actually, it's not her fault. And she's not really a flake. Her parents are funny about Katie being involved in a lot of church activities. When they found out the camp was a church camp, they didn't want her to go. I admire her for honoring her parents' decision, even when it seems like an unfair and/or pointless decision. Katie has more patience than I think I would have under the same circ.u.mstances.

The thing is, when Katie submits herself to her parents' decisions, I've seen G.o.d do His "G.o.d-things" in her life. (That's what Katie calls it when things happen that you can't explain and you look back at it and all you can say is that G.o.d did that. That's why it's a G.o.d thing.) It's like G.o.d blesses Katie in a special way for her obedience. That's why I can't be too frustrated at her for backing out of camp. It's not exactly her choice or her fault and I want to support her in her difficult decision to honor her parents (I can't believe I'm saying this), even when it's difficult for me, too.

July 21

Back from Camp Wildwood, DSF!

You should have been there! Actually, I'm glad I didn't take you. The girls in my cabin would have discovered you the first day there, read all my secrets on your pages and then tortured me the rest of the week.

Yes, it's good that you stayed home.

It was an interesting week. That's the only word that comes to mind when I try and describe it. I learned that I'm not exactly the camp counselor type of person, although I was much better at it by the end of the week than I was the first few days. I also learned that red ant bites are about the most torturous of all experiences. I was attacked by a whole army of red ants the last day when I hid inside a hollowed-out tree stump for the camp counselor hunt. My legs were covered with bites. And I mean covered. It was awful. I spent the last night in the infirmary.

My favorite song from camp was one Doug and Todd sang when Katie and I visited their G.o.d Lovers Bible Study in San Diego a few weeks ago. It's from a verse in the Bible: Eye has not seen Ear has not heard Neither has it entered the heart of man The things G.o.d has prepared For those who love Him.

July 23

Dear SF, Katie called while I was writing my last entry and then I had to go to work so I never finished it. I wanted to write more about camp because some good things happened there. The best of all was when Sara came to visit me in the infirmary and she said she wanted to give her heart to the Lord. Here I'd been trying to "preach" at these girls all week and thought I'd failed and then little Sara decides she wants to become a Christian and she comes to the infirmary to ask me to pray with her. It was amazing.

The other amazing thing was what I learned about myself with guys. I know. I talk about guys all the time, don't I? And I don't think of myself as being boy-crazy or anything. It's just that I'm learning. And as I go along, I want to remember what I've learned so I don't keep repeating the same mistakes. The sort of mistake I made at camp was with Jaeson. I spent way too much time focusing on him and playing out a role of being his summer camp crush. It wasn't terrible or anything. The canoe ride he took me on was very fun and memorable. What I learned is that I'm so open to whatever comes my way that some stuff comes rushing into my life and I don't discern at the moment if it's a good thing or not. I don't decide ahead of time what I want or what's important. I mostly let things happen, and then I evaluate it later. I guess that's what I'm doing now.

And my evaluation is that I should have realized at the beginning of the week that Jaeson was the kind of guy who had a different girlfriend every week at camp, so when he started showing interest in me, it was simply because I was his choice for a girlfriend for that week. If I'd realize that, I probably would have still hung out with him and gone on the canoe ride and everything, but I wouldn't have gobbled up the attention as if it actually meant anything to him.

Does that make sense? It's like it's okay to develop short-term friendships as long as I realize at the beginning that it's just a blip on the screen of my life. I don't need to make such a big deal of everything.

My mom wants me to help her fix dinner tonight so I better go. She says I don't know how to cook and it's time I learned a few things before I grow up and leave the house. She says if I had to move out now, all I'd know how to fix would be scrambled eggs and toast. I didn't tell her this, but the scrambled eggs reminded me of when I made breakfast for Todd on the beach and the seagulls came and scarfed all the scrambled eggs. I think it's about time Todd and I tried another breakfast on the beach and this time we'll keep the birds away.

August 12

Greetings on a very hot night, DSF!

I have a big box fan aimed at me right now but it is still so hot in my room that I don't know if I'll be able to get to sleep. It's the middle of August and the weather man said on the news tonight that we broke a record today for high temperatures. On the news they said the last time it was this hot in Escondido in August was in 1934 or something like that. My hand is sticking to the pages as I write this.

Yuck! It's too hot!

My aunt has planned an end of the summer outing. She and my uncle rented a houseboat at Lake Shasta and we're going in a week and a half. Todd is coming!!!!! So are Katie and Doug. This is going to be the best trip ever! I have to admit I do love being spoiled by my aunt. She really gets into planning my social life for me and even though it bugs me sometimes, I realize what a treat it is to be able to go fun places and do fun things like this with my friends.

Todd called last night. I was saying how the future seems like such a mystery. I'm about to begin my senior year of high school and I can't figure out how I got to this last year so fast. Todd is about to start his soph.o.m.ore year of college and he needs to make some solid decisions about cla.s.ses and his major. Then Todd said, "I'm glad that G.o.d has plans, even when we don't, because G.o.d is *prior.' Wherever we're going, He's already been there."

I liked that. G.o.d is "prior." He's already been there. He has charted a path for us to follow. The dearest desire of my heart is that I stay on that path and not go off on my own trail and waste any of my life on a trail that's not G.o.d's preferred choice for me.

September 4

I only have a minute, DSF, But I had to tell you my wonderful news. Todd and I are officially together. We had this very romantic talk our first morning at Lake Shasta and we decided the next step for us is to be a couple and to start going together. It's been sooooo wonderful!

He's coming this weekend to take me out. I can't wait to see him. We had such a great time on the houseboat. He is so amazing. I care about him more than I can say. We've come so far; waited so long to be at this next level in our relationship. I don't think I've ever been happier. I think Todd is happy, too. I feel like our relationship gets stronger the more we each grow closer to G.o.d. Isn't that amazing?

I was trying to explain it the other day to my mom and I didn't have the right words. It's a lovely mystery.

Today is the first day of my senior year and I have to hurry. Katie and I are riding together and you know how Katie doesn't like to wait for anything.

September 8

DSF,.

I'm so worried about Katie. We met this guy from Ireland the first day of school and I think she's fallen for him in a big way.

September 17

Katie and Michael are together now. I don't feel good about this. Todd and I met them at the movies last week and we all went together and then out for pie afterwards and I really don't think Michael is a believer. What is Katie thinking?

September 28