September 19

I have a job! What do you think of that, DSF?

My first job.

And it was such an easy interview. Can you guess where I'm working? The pet store at the mall. It was Katie's suggestion. She said that since I used to live on a farm, I should get a job with animals. The thing I didn't tell Katie, or my new boss, Jon, is that I'm not particularly crazy about animals. I mean, I like them and everything, but I never was one of those girls who had her room covered with posters of horses. And when we had pets back in Wisconsin, they were just "around." I never had one precious, favorite pet that stayed in my room or anything.

The most embarra.s.sing part of my interview at the pet store was that my dad took me and he stayed there, acting like he was a customer or something. The only problem was he didn't act like a customer. He kept looking at me while I was filling out the papers and he walked over closer when Jon started asking me questions.

The worst part was that my dad was wearing his overalls from the dairy where he works. He looked really out of place at the mall. It was embarra.s.sing being with him, but at the same time, I was really glad he was there. I love my dad the way he is. Truly. It's a strange thing. I feel embarra.s.sed being with him at times, but I wouldn't want him to change a bit because he's my dad. It's the same way with my mom. I wonder if anyone else ever feels this way about their parents.

September 20

DSF, I have a headache.

I think I got it from Rick. Is it possible to get a headache from a guy? There's so much I haven't told you about what's been happening with Rick. I guess I didn't want to write to you about him because I haven't exactly figured out what's going on and I thought if I tried to write about everything, I'd just fill pages and pages of craziness.

So instead of long ramblings, here's what I know: 1) Rick likes me. That's a nice thing. I like the fact that he likes me and he's acted like he's been interested in me for a long time.

2) I like the way Rick makes me feel. It's different than what I've felt with any other guy. I can't explain it except to say that Rick makes me feel like I want to make myself a better person for him.

3) I don't like whatever it is that's happening between me and Rick right now. I don't know what to do with all the feelings. I think the only thing to do is keep going and try to be wise.

September 26

Did I say "wise" last time I wrote to you, DSF?

I guess I did. I think I've been wise with Rick. The thing n.o.body ever tells you is that "wise" might be good and right and the best way to go but it can also bring an immense amount of pain.

Rick is a thief. There. I said it. He stole my Forever bracelet that Todd gave me and he traded it at a jewelry store for a clunky silver one with his name engraved on it. When I figured that out today, and he finally admitted it, I told him I couldn't go out with him anymore. It was the hugest, most agonizing scene you could imagine. I still can't believe what happened. And it hurts so much. I would sit here and tell you all the gory details, but I'm too exhausted right now. Besides, I don't think I'll have to record this day in order to remember it the rest of my life. If anything, I wish I could erase this day.

September 27

Dear SF, I read a poem out loud in cla.s.s today and it was as if this poet, Christina Rossetti, knew me and knew all about what had been happening in my life these past few weeks. The amazing part is that she lived over 150 years ago in London and yet she expressed exactly what I felt. It made me think of how it doesn't matter when or where we live, women are the same everywhere and in every generation. We all share the same kinds of hopes and dreams and fears and hurts.

It's kind of long, but it's really good. Here's Christina's poem, "Twice." (And isn't it interesting that we even share the same first name? I'm definitely going to look her up in heaven!) I took my heart in my hand (O my love, O my love), I said: Let me fall or stand, Let me live or die, But this once hear me speak- (O my love, O my love)- Yet a woman's words are weak; You should speak, not I.

You took my heart in your hand With a friendly smile, With a critical eye you scanned, Then set it down, And said: It is still unripe, Better wait awhile: Wait while the skylarks pipe, Till the corn grows brown.

I have to stop and make a comment here, DSF. I didn't tell you about what happened with Todd. I only reported on the agonizing break up with Rick. But there's a whole different story about Todd. Rick took me to dinner up in Newport Beach and if you can believe it, Doug was the valet when we parked the car! Doug convinced Rick that we should stop by a party at Tracy's house and Todd was there. I'd only seen Todd twice since our big trip to Maui and he's only called a few times. I honestly thought that if Todd really cared about me, he'd say something to me at the party. But he didn't. (Todd! You drive me crazy!!!!) I stayed at my aunt and uncle's house and the next morning I couldn't sleep so I went for a lonely walk on the beach and guess who was out on the beach too? Yes. Of course. Todd!! He came and sat by me. I pulled out all the courage I had and I told Todd how I felt about him. He said I should be free to go out with whomever I wanted and that it was selfish of him to try to hold on to me and wait for me to grow up.

It was just like this poem! I held my heart out and Todd basically said it wasn't ripe. It just about killed me. Wait, here's the rest of the poem: As you set it down it broke- Broke, but I did not wince; I smiled at the speech you spoke, At your judgment that I heard: But I have not often smiled Since then, nor questioned since, Nor cared for corn-flowers wild, Nor sung with the singing bird.

I take my heart in my hand, O my G.o.d, O my G.o.d, My broken heart in my hand: Thou hast seen, judge Thou.

My hope was written on sand, (Is this my life, or what? "My hope was written on sand.") O my G.o.d, O my G.o.d; Now let Thy judgment stand- Yea, judge me now.

This contemned of a man, This marred one heedless day, This heart take Thou to scan Both within and without: Refine with fire its gold, Purge Thou its dross away- Yea hold it in Thy hold, Whence none can pluck it out.

I take my heart in my hand- I shall not die, but live- Before Thy face I stand; I, for Thou callest such All that I have I bring, All that I am I give, Smile Thou and I shall sing But shall not question much.

Every time I read this poem I know I'll remember that morning on the beach with Todd. I didn't tell you what happened after that. Todd told me he was going to Oahu. Yes, Oahu as in Hawai'i. He left the next day and is staying with his friend Kimo. I know I thought I would never see Todd again when he moved to his mom's in Florida. Now it really seems like he's gone for good. I wish I could tell you how I feel about that, but I'm not sure. I feel like Christina said in this poem, that I'm turning over my broken heart to G.o.d and I'll wait on Him and trust Him.

October 22

Dearest, Kindest, Gentlest of All Silent Friends, I think you'd like my English teacher. I really like the kinds of a.s.signments she's been giving us. First she gave us that poetry a.s.signment where I discovered Christina Rossetti and now we have to write about friends. Maybe I should write about you! The joys of trusting all your secrets to a Dear Silent Friend.

Here are some of the quotes from the paper she gave us with the a.s.signment: "Friendship? Yes, please!" Charles d.i.c.kens "My treasures are my friends." Constantine "Friendship is rarer than love and more enduring." Jeremy Taylor "The language of friendship is not words, but meanings. It is an intelligence above language." Henry David Th.o.r.eau "The only way to have a friend is to be one." Ralph Waldo Emerson "Friendship is like a sheltering tree." Samuel Taylor Coleridge "There is no friend like an old friend, who has shared our morning days, no greeting like his welcome, no homage like his praise." Oliver Wendell Holmes I'd like to add my own thought about friendship: "Friends come and go, but true, forever friends are never further away than the secret corner of your heart." Christina Juliet Miller

November 1

Okay, laugh now, DSF, and avoid the rush.

I agreed to join the ski club with Katie and now we're going on a trip over Thanksgiving to Lake Tahoe. I know, I know. Me on skis. This ought to be interesting.

We're trying to sell candy bars to raise money for our trip and Katie keeps eating all of hers. I took some to work and Jon was so nice! He let me put them out at the cash register and people are actually buying them! I do have the nicest boss ever. He's a unique guy, but he's been very understanding lately.

November 9

h.e.l.lo there, DSilentF!

Tonight at youth group Luke asked us to write out what we're thankful for. Here's my list: I'm thankful for my parents, this house, my health, and all the blessings G.o.d has given us, like food and clothes. I'm thankful for my friends and . . . I'm thankful for Todd. And Rick. And Katie. And for my job, my church, my relationship with Jesus, and the way I can talk with Him anytime and anywhere.

That's what I wrote. I was a little surprised that both Todd and Rick made the list since both of them have vanished from my life. But then I realized that what I'm thankful for is what I've learned from both of them. Not that it was always easy or fun. I'm not thankful for the pain. But I'm thankful for the experiences I gained.

November 28

Well, DSF. I saw Rick.

He came by with Doug on Sunday. I was asleep on the couch because I was so tired from the ski trip, which, by the way, was an entire adventure in itself. First I'll tell you about Rick. He barely looked at me. He was getting a ride back to college with Doug and since Doug wanted to stop by my house, Rick had to come, too.

I think Rick is going to be one of those guys where it's all or nothing. Either I'm completely devoted to him or I'm on his list of people to ignore. I wish it wasn't like that. That's one of the things I like about Todd. He's the same with everybody all the time. Todd takes his friendships seriously. Although, what am I saying? Todd, the great silent one-even more silent than you right now-is still in Hawai'i. I guess. Doug didn't say anything about him, so I guess Todd is still over there surfing his little heart out. I wonder if he's thought of me at all while he's been there.

Rick noticed that I had Todd's bracelet back on my wrist. I could tell he was pretty surprised about that. I wonder if he knows that I bought it back from the jewelry store where Rick hocked it? Or at least, I paid for about half of it. I don't know who made the final payment for me. I'm still mad when I think about how Rick stole my Forever ID bracelet from me.

The only good part was that Rick is hanging out with a bunch of really strong Christians and it seems they're having a good influence on him. I'm glad for that.

The strange part was that I didn't really feel anything deep inside when I saw him. I mean, I felt a little nervous, but I didn't feel all thrilled and eager for his attention the way I used to feel whenever I was around Rick or when he'd try to melt me with one of his looks. How can feelings change like that?

One thing that didn't change this Thanksgiving vacation is my friendship with Katie. It was certainly challenged a few times on this ski trip, but we ended up coming out of the experience much closer than we've ever been. I learned a lot about trusting the right people. Katie needed me to believe her and be on her side when these other girls on the trip were trying to get me to take their side against Katie. I didn't stick up for Katie at first; at least, not the way she wanted me to side with her. I wish I had. All I can say is that I'm glad she's so forgiving and gracious as a friend.

The other big event on this ski trip was that I ran into the ski instructor. I mean I literally ran into him. I still can't believe I'm such a klutz sometimes. I think I'd like to try skiing again, only I'd like to go at my own pace without a lot of other people I know watching me. It was fun. I guess.

November 30

Guess what I have, DSF?

A coconut from Hawai'i! Todd mailed me a coconut from Hawai'i and he wrote the reference to a Bible verse on it. He wrote "Phil.1:7." The man at the post office told me I got something from "Phil" and I said I didn't know anyone named Phil. It was so funny. Katie was with me and we cracked up. Then she figured out the Phil. meant the book of Philippians in the Bible. So we rushed home and looked it up and part of that verse says, "I hold you in my heart."

Is that the most romantic thing you've ever heard? Here I thought Todd was long gone and he sends me a coconut and tells me in secret, romantic and holy language that he's thinking of me. Todd holds me in his heart. Ahhhh. I hold him in my heart, too. But then, you knew that, didn't you?

January 16

I missed you, Dear Silent Friend!

My family went to the mountains with Uncle Bob and Aunt Marti for Christmas and I wish I would have brought you with me. I did a lot of thinking and reflecting and I wish now that I had you with me so you could have taken those thoughts and held them for me. It's been two weeks now and I'm afraid I've forgotten some of the things I was thinking about then.

I just can't believe we're already two weeks into this new year. All my teachers are giving us homework like crazy! I have a paper due for history on Friday and I haven't started it yet. I ended up working extra hours last week at the pet store and it seems that as soon as I get home, I just crash. My room is such a mess. I don't like being this behind in homework and this unorganized.

And now for the big news of why I've been so busy. Todd is back from Hawai'i! He got back on New Year's Day and showed up at our party at my aunt and uncle's house with leis and hugs for everyone. He had some pretty fantastic tales to tell of his adventures in Hawai'i.

We've seen each other three times since he got back and I think all my old feelings for him are as strong as ever. His birthday was two days ago and I made him a big batch of chocolate chip cookies and I got him a gift certificate at a sports store at the mall where they have stuff for skateboards because he said his skateboard needed new wheels. It was a good choice for a gift because he seemed to really like it.

For his birthday we went to see this art exhibit in Laguna Beach, which is not far from where he lives. They had a big display of all these old surfboards and other California beach memorabilia from the past 50 years. One of the old wooden surfboards had been made into a bench, which Todd thought was very cool. It wasn't especially comfortable, but I agreed that it did look pretty cool in the corner where they had it under a fake palm tree with a set of bongo drums.

My mom was really nice. She went with me up to Newport Beach and went to dinner with Aunt Marti while Todd and I went to the exhibit. Then we all had birthday cake at Bob and Marti's and my mom and I drove home. I would have loved to have stayed longer, but I'm happy that I got to be with Todd on his birthday. I think it was one of the funnest times Todd and I have ever had. And I wouldn't be surprised if the next time I see him he tells me that he turned his old surfboard, Naranja, into a bench like the one we saw!