It started with briefing after briefing, as plans changed and everyone scrambled to react to the latest news, then there was debriefings after debriefings, as they sorted through tons of Intelligence to try to figure out what went wrong.

Ben didn't get a chance to call home and check in with his mom till one week after it happened. He was frazzled and exhausted, but exhilarated. It looked like he would be working with a ground unit leaving for Afghanistan in late November.

This was what he had been training for his entire life. He would be in the thick of it, with a unit, providing Intelligence for their daily missions.

He also hadn't been back to the apartment he shared with Theresa in over a week. He had left her a fast voice mail after three days, but that was all he had time for. He hated that he left her worried and pissed off through all of this, but she knew when they moved in together that this was a possibility.

This would be the end of them, and they both knew it. As long as he was at Ft. Lewis, she had held out hope that their moving in together was the next step toward a commitment, toward marriage. But there had been rumblings in the Intelligence world for the past year that things were heating up in the Middle East, and with deployment on the radar, Ben would not make that commitment. Now he was leaving.

It only took him a few days to pack. He had hardly unpacked into the apartment they had shared for a less than a year. Theresa made him promise to write, and he would try, but in his heart he knew it was over. He was back to his first love, the Army, which he had chosen over his one true love, Carrie. When he lost her, he had doubled his commitment to focusing on his career. Now it would become his entire world for as long as they would let him stay deployed. There was no better way to forget about the stupid mistake he'd made in letting her go.

Chapter 30.

Sissy kept Carrie updated on Ben's whereabouts, at least as much as she knew. He started out in some place called Camp Rhino, where all he could tell her was that they had no running water and no beds. After months there, he was moved to Shindand Air Base near the Iranian border. Again, he couldn't say much, except the living conditions were better.

After 9-11 Carrie talked to MG more often. She was going to college in some dinky little town in upstate NY, and it was all being paid for by her real dad. She met him after researching online and finding out that he lived a couple of hours north of New York City. She said it was weird to see some of herself in this crazy, aging-hippy kind of dude. She definitely got her eyes from him and her chin from his mom. After he left St. Louis, and Amber and baby MG, he had been a roadie for a bunch of bands and traveled the world. Now he had a wife and two kids, and he liked to visit MG at school every month or so to try and get to know her. She also had a sort-of boyfriend, as she described him. She said they might be just friends, maybe more. To Carrie, it all sounded suspiciously like a replay of her and Steve.

At the resort, tension had been brewing between Nick and Carrie for months, then everything came to a head the day of the twins' first birthday. Maureen tried to keep it from happening, but they got into a screaming match that started in front of the 35 guests at the Callahan Twin's First Birthday Party.

Nick contributed nothing but complaints during the planning. First it cost too much, then it was too small. In the end, he said it was a stupid idea because it wasn't like they knew it was their birthday anyway.

He was miserable. He hated running the resort, especially with his father looking over his shoulder all the time. He didn't feel like a dad. His mom and Carrie always had the kids, so he had no reason to hold them, or feed them, or play with them. And he sure as hell didn't like being a husband. The fun, cute girl he married was always either tired, or angry, or crying. He wasn't sure how things could change, but they sure as hell needed to.

He knew that Carrie was miserable too. Despite how well she got along with his mom, there was still tension. They were together all day, every day, working and taking care of the babies. She never got time away from the resort or his family. Not that he was taking any vacations either, which was ironic, at a vacation resort.

He walked out on the party. He was too pissed off to go back in and pretend everything was great. He drove to his friend Matt's house in St. Louis and crashed there for a few days. He needed some perspective, some ideas, something to make things better.

Nick had been gone for three days, and Carrie still kept replaying their fight, trying to figure out if there was something else she could have said or done. His friend Matt called when he figured out that Nick hadn't. He assured Carrie that Nick was OK, he just needed some time to think. He also assured her that Nick wanted things to work out between them.

Maybe it was time for his parents to give them some more space. Maureen and Jack had run the entire resort together when Nick was little. Carrie was sure they could do it too. Jack was already pushing to buy a new RV and do some traveling. Maybe if she talked to Maureen, she would be willing to go away for a week or two at least.

Carrie was completely unaware of everything happening on the driveway until one of the maids thought to run and get her. When she walked out of the office, Jack was bent over his wife, who had her head on the roof of the Sheriff's car. Maureen appeared to be crying. Most of the staff was gathered around them.

"Are you Carrie Callahan?" The Sheriff asked as she approached.

"Yes." No one would look at her. The Sherriff looked past her and kept his face officially detached from his words.

"Mrs. Callahan, I'm sorry to tell you, there's been an accident." Carrie felt the blood drain out of her face. She broke out into a cold sweat. Nick. It had to be Nick. That's why Maureen's crying.

She didn't respond so he continued, "there was a two car collision on Highway K about two hours ago. Your husband was in one of the vehicles. There were no survivors." His voice dropped off at the end of his last sentence.

She felt like she was going to faint. All the sounds around her were muffled, and everything was moving in slow motion. She wavered, then put her hands on her knees and dropped her head. Deep breath, she needed to take a deep breath.

The babies! Her head shot up, and she ran toward the office. She needed to see the babies. Logic said they were OK, but logic told her Nick was OK too.

They were both asleep, taking their afternoon nap together in the Pack-N-Play. She didn't want to wake them so she squatted on the floor next to their heads and touched them through the mesh. She felt their little bodies moving with their breathing, and she relaxed enough to fall over on the floor next to them and choke out a sob.

The funeral was a blur. It seemed like hundreds of people came up to her to express their condolences, but she couldn't remember anyone in particular. Maureen had shared one of the Xanax she had started taking. She said it would help Carrie get through the funeral and wake without out falling apart. It didn't matter if she was medicated or not, she was in shock. They all were.

She didn't cry because it didn't seem real. Like a story with the ending left hanging, she kept waiting, hoping that someone would tell her the real ending, where he comes home, and they make up, and they live happily ever after. The funeral was closed-casket, so it was easy for Carrie to tell herself that it wasn't Nick in there. She kept waiting for her young, handsome, funny husband to pull up in the driveway or call her. He was so full of life that his spirit haunted the resort.

She wished she could block out the news that came after the funeral too. The official police report showed that Nick was at fault. He had been drinking, and his blood alcohol level was way over the limit. The Sheriff came to tell them about the report, but that really wasn't necessary. They could have read about it in the local paper. It was front page news that party boy, Nick Callahan, was drunk when he swerved into the oncoming lane and hit another car head on, killing both occupants, Bill and Carol Martin, ages 82 and 78.

That was how he would be remembered ... as the drunk driver who killed two senior citizens. No one would remember the charming, kind, young man who wanted to be a good father and husband, but didn't know how. No one would remember the sweet, funny guy who mended Carrie's broken heart.

Maureen and Jack took the news especially hard. Their only child was not only gone, but he was also labeled a murderer. He could never stand trial, defend himself, possibly clear his name. The community, who had always loved them, suddenly felt cold and hostile. All but a few true friends fell away.

Ben checked his laptop one more time for updates before his unit reached their target. He hated this city. They had gotten bad Intel from there before, and that had resulted in men walking into an ambush. Now they were back, this time looking for the pocket of insurgents. He had spent weeks working with translators and informants, tracking cell phone usage in the area, analyzing any data available that would point them to the best day and time to strike. He stowed the laptop and grabbed his M16.

"Should be clear to the target house," he reported to the unit commander, Sgt. Koger. This time the element of surprise should be on their side. If he did his job right, several of the key players should be meeting in the small house with the big storage shed at the end of the alley.

The Sergeant nodded, "stay south with Reed and Willis." Ben nodded back. The tension in the humvee spiked when they parked outside the alley. Before Ben exited, he followed his ritual for luck. He kissed two of his gloved fingers and pressed them to the faded, dusty photo of a 16-year old Carrie in a blue bikini that he had slid into a tear in the liner on the ceiling.

Most of the men who followed him out of the vehicle did the same. She was the good luck charm of their unit, and most of them only knew her as 'sweet Carrie'. So far she had done her job and kept them safe. They weren't about to mess with the mojo and not follow ritual today.

On his lowest days, the picture was there to remind him not to take his eyes off the prize. If you lose focus, you can lose important things, like your buddies or your girl. On a good day, like today, it reminded him of those he was fighting for. Logically, he knew she was married and had a family, but that didn't change the fact that he still felt a strong connection to her. On the rare days he found himself alone, in a quiet space, he could close his eyes and still feel her, smell her, hear her voice.

Three hours and one minor gun fight later, Ben was back at the base. He stopped by his bunk to get clean clothes before heading to the shower. His roommate had propped a letter from his mom on his desk where he was sure to see it. His shower could wait, he was in no hurry, so he decided to let a little TLC from his mom make this an even better day.

At sunset, Sgt. Koger found him sitting in the humvee staring at her photo.

"Problem?"

The Sergeant's voice shook Ben out of his reverie, "Sir?" "You're about to miss dinner. Is there a problem?" Ben still had the letter from his mom in his hand."Bad news from home?"

Ben looked down at the letter, he breathed out a sigh, "yes sir."

"Something you can tell me about?" He followed Ben's gaze up to the picture.

"She needs me ... and I can't be there." Ben swallowed a few times and worked to steady his breathing.

The Sergeant gave Ben a few minutes to collect himself, "I can't give you leave right now."

Ben nodded.

"Can you call her?"

"No, sir."

Ben and the Sergeant stared at the photo.

"She's been good to us."

Ben smiled a little and nodded.

"I can't have my top Intel guy distracted. Is there anything I can do?"

Ben shook his head and shrugged, "Cover for me for a few hours. I've got some running and thinking to do."

"Just keep it on base." "Yes sir. No worries. I won't do anything crazy." He left off, because now I have a reason to get back home, soon, in one piece.

Chapter 31.

Maureen fell apart after the newspaper article. She took Xanax night and day and generally stayed in her room. Jack wandered around the resort in a daze, starting projects, then leaving them half finished. He sat in front of the TV with it on every night, watching nothing.

Carrie went into auto-pilot, crisis mode. Just like at home, when everyone fell apart, she took over. They had stopped taking reservations when Nick died, but there were still some guests coming and going who had missed the news. The rest of the staff put in extra time and did additional work to help her out. It wasn't as smooth as when Maureen ran things, but at least they were still afloat. If anything, the extra work kept her mind off Nick. She crowded her mind with a million details about the resort, and her babies, to keep the tears at bay.

Sissy called her on a Tuesday morning and asked if she could come see Carrie and the babies on Saturday. She offered to bring Christopher too. Her friendship meant more to Carrie than ever before. The reasons her other friends from high school had lost touch with her were varied and all valid, but that didn't make her feel any less lonely or isolated. Sissy called her every few weeks and occasionally made the two hour drive to visit.

She talked to Christopher often on the phone, but this would be the first time she had seen him since the funeral. She had appointed him official baby watcher during the chaos. He was very responsible for an 8-year-old and took his duties as an uncle very seriously.