She sat on his bed, the silent house echoing in her ears, screaming out the fact that he was gone. She looked around his room at all the reminders of him and of their time together. She was poking at the wound, wanting to bleed, to cry, to let out this powerful pain. Her chest tightened to the point it hurt, and her breath came in short bursts. She rolled onto her side and held her stomach, pushing against the ache in her gut. She moaned in pain and let the racking sobs take over. No one was there to hear or see her. This was her safe place to cry, so she didn't fight the tears or try to be quiet.

When she reached for the box of Kleenex on his desk she saw her gift, and just the fact that it was there was another punch in her gut. She thought about saving it for another day but changed her mind. There was no way what was in that box was not going to make her cry, so she might as well do this now, while she was alone in his room, in his bed.

Her gift was a stuffed bear and a multi-page letter. Most people wouldn't see her as a stuffed-animal kind of girl, but Ben was one of a handful of people who knew about her Blue Bunny. He helped her build the shelves above her bed where Blue Bunny sat (well, flopped).

With her back against his headboard, her new bear on her lap and the big box of Kleenex next to her she read the letter: Carrie, I'm sorry I had to say most of this in a letter. I wish I were more eloquent and could find the perfect words to tell you in person how important you are to me.

First, let me introduce Ben, the bear in this box. You can imagine how shocked I was to find out he and I had the same name. He is a quiet guy and great for hugging, so I asked him to hang out with you while I can't. The most amazing thing is that he loves it when beautiful girls cry on him. He said it makes his fur shinier. For now, he will be my stand in.

Carrie hugged the bear closer, wiped her eyes and blew her nose, then kept reading. I wish I could see into the future so I could guarantee you that we will be together, hopefully married, someday. I can tell you that is what I want, but I have a lot to do before that can happen.

So, in the mean time (and it kills me to say this) I want you to date other guys. As much as I hate the idea of someone else getting to spend all their time with you, it would be wrong of me to ask you to spend that time alone. Maybe it will be a good thing. You can date a bunch of losers and then know for sure that I am the guy for you. OK, just kidding about the losers. DO NOT let anyone treat you badly. You deserve someone to be kind to you and do nice things for you. I might not be there to kick the ass of anyone who treats you badly, but I have connections, warn them.

You have no idea how much you mean to me. I can't remember not being in love with you. We have had our share of fights over the years, but I still thought that you were the one for me. Of course, when we were younger I used to think I had to make you see everything my way (because that was the right way), but I got over that. You've taught me as much as I've taught you. Because of you I am a lot more fun, I know how to decorate a room, I know how to show people that I care, and I saw that bravery isn't always on a battlefield. You were incredibly brave and strong to let me in this past year, knowing I was leaving.

No matter what happens, you will always have a huge part of my heart. The Army is getting my body and my mind, but I've left my heart there with my mom and grandparents and you. It makes this a little easier knowing that you all have each other. My mom really likes you, so I hope you two keep in touch. I worry about her getting out and doing things, so maybe you could check up on her and go out to eat or something every once in a while. My grandma told me to tell you to call her anytime or visit her and the Colonel. They love you too.

I don't know what else to say except thank you for this past year, for the 10 before that, for being my friend, for being my lover, for making me laugh, for kidnapping me and cheering for me, but mostly for letting me in and letting me love you.

I love you, Ben.

Chapter 27.

Carrie poured herself into a new routine. She had wrapped so much of her life around Ben. She knew she had to find a lot of things to fill her time and keep her mind busy so she could push past her overwhelming desire to lay in bed and cry. Where Ben had been her rock, MG had been her joy, and even though she could talk to her on the phone, there was a space they couldn't bridge to feel as close as they did before. Carrie was alive, breathing, moving; but never completely present, as if both of them had taken part of her with them. She carried loneliness in her, and, if she stopped moving too long, she feared it might consume her.

She worked most nights at the restaurant, still babysat 3 days a week for the Burton's, and spent her down time with Steve or Ben's mom, who she now always called Sissy.

Waitressing was more fun than she thought it would be. The restaurant mostly appealed to senior citizens with a lot of regular customers. Most nights there were several who requested her station and talked to her about their families and their lives and asked about hers. Many of them recognized her locket as World War II era and wanted to know the story behind it. Like Dorothy, they understood how much she missed Ben in a way others couldn't.

Since Two-fer (technically now Four-fer) didn't have preschool in the summer, Carrie took him with her to the Burton's to play with Sophie on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. She also brought him with her to Ben's house when she went to hang out with Sissy. Her normally really quiet brother became a ham when he was in Sissy's kitchen, eating whatever home-baked snack she had made him. He would sing the songs he had learned at preschool for her and recite his colors and alphabet.

At least once or twice a week she went over to Steve's apartment in the afternoon to hang out, and watch TV, and eat junk food, and feel like a teenager. They never talked about MG, who moved one week after Ben left. He knew Carrie had talked to her on the phone a few times, but he didn't seem to want any details about her life without him. They mostly laughed about stuff they did in the past or gossiped about things people they knew were doing over the summer.

Carrie helped Laura get a job waitressing at the restaurant too. She had gotten to know her better at the end of their senior year, and they had started to click as friends. Gina still wasn't ready to put their past behind her and gave her the cold shoulder most of the time. Carrie hated being in the middle, so she was relieved when they started to at least be civil to each other when all three girls would sit in the parking lot and have a drink after work.

"I slept with Wayne senior year." For some reason Laura wanted tonight to be true confessions night.

Gina smirked, "Did you have your purity ring on when you did it?" Laura laughed, "Probably." She took a sip of her drink, "but I think I did stop wearing it not long after that." She shrugged, "I don't know, to me, it didn't seem wrong. To me the ring was about waiting for someone really special, and I did." Her smile was still love-struck goofy when she talked about Wayne.

"So, are you guys talking about getting married?" Gina's tone was more curious than mocking. Laura blushed and smiled and for just a second it hurt Carrie to look at her. That had been her, love-struck, goofy happy only two months earlier.

"To be honest, he asked me last Christmas, but we knew my parents would not be happy about it then, so we are going to get officially engaged before he starts school this fall. Then we want to get married in the spring."

Knowing that Carrie and Gina weren't wedding-fan type girls, Laura didn't take their lack of enthusiasm too personally. Carrie nodded her approval and said, "Cool." Gina just nodded.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, waiting for Gina to finish her second cigarette. She blew out the last smoke and tossed the butt into the sand bucket. They were just about to stand up to leave when she said, "I slept with Michelle Wagner."

Carrie and Laura were too dumbfounded to answer, and just stared at her saucer-eyed.

"Senior year," she added, wanting to complete her confession.

She stuck her hands in the pockets of her apron and fiddled with the receipts, "Well ... say something."

"Good, for, you?" Carrie wasn't sure that was the proper thing to say, but she wasn't prepared for this scenario. Gina looked down and pushed a few cigarette butts that were on the ground around with her toe. "You never knew?" She looked up at Carrie.

Carrie shook her head then shrugged, "Not a clue."

Gina looked at Laura who was conspicuously silent. "What about you? Are you going to tell me how God hates me?" "No," Laura's response was quick and sincere. She paused, trying to put her philosophy into words, "I know what Joelle said, prom night ..." Gina looked at confused and glanced over at Carrie who just shrugged and shook her head as if she had no clue what Laura was talking about. "I don't think you have to believe the same things that I do, but we can respect each other. I mean, I can accept you, if you can accept me."

Gina nodded and even smiled a little, "Deal." Carrie was replaying the past four years in her mind, looking for clues she might have missed, "I, just, never knew ... I mean, didn't you sleep with Steve once?"

Gina laughed, "Well, sort of. We fooled around some and just told everyone we had sex. I don't think either of us was feeling much of anything for each other. It kind of worked out better for both of us to just lie about it."

"Did you know then? Or when did you know?" Carrie was still trying to piece it all together.

"I guess I've always known. I tried batting for the other team. I had to see how it felt."

"And Steve made you sure you were gay?" Carrie laughed, "Oh, that would be such a hit to his ego."

Laura laughed too, "Poor Steve, we need to find him a girl to take his mind off MG."

Carrie tossed her empty bottle of beer in the trash can, "Not yet, give him time." Gina's analytical mind went looking for trouble, "What about you, Carrie? You and Steve? Huh? I know you still hang out with him."

"Nope," she shook her head, "Just friends."

Laura seemed to understand, "Not over Ben, huh?" Carrie just shook her head. She couldn't imagine ever being over Ben, and wasn't even sure if she was supposed to be. They were still in this strange limbo. He had told her to date other guys, but seriously, she just had no interest.

When Ben's basic training ended in September he didn't get a chance to come home before he was sent to start Intelligence training in Arizona, but he did send Carrie a letter, the first one that was just for her.

She tried to read between the lines, look for clues as to how he was feeling about them, because the content was pretty dry and to the point. He said he missed her, specifically that he missed talking to her, then the rest of the letter was about people he met in basic and where he was headed next. He signed off with 'I love you'. It was so hard for her to know if he was pushing her away or not. Except for the letter she got with Ben Bear, he had never been one to show his emotions easily and he had always been brief and to the point.

Her Christmas card from Ben had another note, this one letting her know he had finished his initial Intelligence training would be going directly to Ft. Lewis in Washington State. Sissy flew there to spend the time with him, but Carrie didn't have the money to go along.

In January, Steve moved on, sort of. He met a girl at a New Years Eve party who was determined that she would get a date with him. She wasn't MG, but Carrie had to admire her tenacity. She followed him around the party with mistletoe, grabbed him and laid a wet one on him at midnight, then drove his drunk ass back to her place and reacquainted him with hot sex. Her name was Amanda, and Carrie really hoped that Steve could shake off his MG hangover enough to give this girl a chance. Like her, he had been a shell of his old self since MG left. It was the pot calling the kettle black, but she really wanted some of the old, funny Steve back.

The first ice chip fell off her heart at the most unexpected time and place. Aunt Rose and Uncle Will had met an incredibly fun couple on a cruise who owned a fishing resort at the Lake of the Ozarks. The proudly-Irish Callahan's threw a huge, wild St. Patrick's party at their resort every year. Rose and Will flew into St. Louis to go, and talked Carrie into coming along for the ride.

Nick Callahan immediately caught her eye. He was tall, with thick dark brown hair and light hazel eyes that drew her in. He also had the easy smile of someone who is used to having a good time, all the time. But Carrie still had her guard up, so she avoided getting too close. The party was all over the resort so it shouldn't have been difficult to do, but damn if she wasn't just drawn to being near him and watching him. After her third green beer she found herself, huddled in a corner, getting to know the heir apparent to Callahan's Fish Camp.

He was a smart ass, and a clown, and he made her laugh, more than she had in months. She let herself be drawn in during the party but figured someone as handsome and funny as he had to have a string of girls after him. She didn't want to join the line. He kissed her that night, and she enjoyed it more than she hoped she would. He also told her all the other things he would like to do with her, but he said he was holding back, because he liked her. Yeah, right. It was bullshit, but fun to hear.

It really shocked her when he called a week later to say he was coming to St. Louis to visit friends, and asked her to go to a party with him. She was more than a little impressed that he took the time to track down her number, which she had refused to give him the night she met him.

He was just as funny, but more impressive when he was alone, away from a crowd. The party with his friends was fun, but Carrie had more fun when he came by the next day to take her out for a late breakfast before he drove home to the lake. She took him to the restaurant where she worked. She figured she would let some of the day-shift waitresses she knew grill him and see how he held up. He charmed the hell out of them, and the customers who knew her, and Carrie. He was like some Irish politician, chatting away with the regulars, telling jokes, remembering everyone's name when they left. A few more ice chips fell away, and she agreed to come visit him at the lake in two weeks.

That afternoon she was helping Sissy pick out new drapes for her living room. She wasn't sure what to say, but she felt the need to tell her that she had gone on a date.

"Do you think Ben has dated anyone else?" she went with a round-about approach. "No, I don't think he's really had any opportunity." Sissy looked up from the sample book at Carrie's worried face. She guessed, and she guessed correctly. "Are you dating someone?"

Her voice was kind, not judgmental, but Carrie still stammered, "I, well, I had a date."

Sissy smiled and Carrie wasn't sure how to take it. Did this mean she was relieved for Carrie or for Ben.

"It's OK. He told me he asked you to date others. And, I think it will be good for both of you. You're both still so young." Carrie wanted to hug her for her approval. She also knew Sissy would write and tell Ben, so she didn't have to. That would just be too awkward of a letter.

Her first full weekend at Callahan's Fish Camp made Nick even harder to resist. His parents, who she had only met briefly at the St. Pat's party, were fantastic. They welcomed her with open arms, literally. They were a hugging, kissing, drinking, singing, dancing, fun family.

They put her up in her own cabin, and she wondered if Nick would see that as a chance to sleep with her. But he was true to his word. He continued to tell her how much he wanted to sleep with her, but that he was holding back, because he knew she was special, and he didn't want to screw things up. They stayed up late, sitting on the deck of her little cabin, talking about their high schools (he graduated two years before her) and their friends and family. She didn't go into great detail, but Carrie also didn't gloss over life at her parent's house. He might as well know the truth in case he ever met them. She talked about Gina and Laura and Steve, her life now, but talking about MG or Ben was still too raw. God forbid her tear floodgates open and drown this poor guy on their first weekend together.

She drove home Sunday afternoon, and there was a message that Nick had called her already. She called him, and he invited her to come back to the lake next weekend for the Callahan Easter Eggstravaganza. It looked like anything was an excuse for the Callahan's to throw a party, and Carrie was happy to be along for the ride.

Chapter 28.

Everyone loved Nick Callahan; her friends, her coworkers, her customers, Christopher, and even her parents. Nick couldn't understand why Carrie resisted introducing him to her parents, so rather than go into a huge explanation, she had them briefly meet when he came to pick her up. He was polite, dressed extra nicely, complimented her mom on her beautiful house and even talked a little fishing with her dad. Not that Earl ever fished, but this seemed to impress him. He was a shoe-in.