Ben smiled wide when he opened the door for her, "Hey." Carrie wiped her feet on the outdoor mat, and walked into the mud room, but didn't go any farther. She also didn't take off her coat or shoes. Ben stood in the doorway to the kitchen, perplexed, looking at her for a clue, "Could you give me a ride somewhere?"

He nodded, "Sure," but he didn't move. He needed more of an explanation than that.

"I need to go talk to Steve, in person. He lives in the old government apartments off Poplar." That seemed to satisfy him because he put on his jacket then sat to put on his army boots and tie them. "I noticed he hasn't been at school. What's up with him?"

"I'll tell you on the way over."

"Is this why you were so upset after lunch?" "Yeah." Agitation showed in her voice, but she couldn't say more because right now she was more upset about him than Steve.

He stood then grabbed Carrie's hand and pulled her into the hug she had been dying for earlier. Damn! It felt so good. She was inside his coat, swallowed up in Ben. She decided to soak it up for a minute; commit the feeling to memory because after today she would not get this again. She held on tighter and rested her forehead against his chest, where she could feel his heartbeat.

Ben was caught a little off guard, but he didn't pull away. He reached up under her coat and rubbed his hand up and down her back. Her heart screamed, NO! Don't give this up! I need this! She couldn't remember anyone ever holding her when she was upset. It dawned on her in that moment that neither of her parents had touched her in years. Sadness from deep inside threatened to pour out of her, followed closely by a deeper fear. She was about to lose it completely in Ben's mud room. Years of fear and pain stored up from living at her house were about to be exposed. She took a deep breath and consciously stuffed it all down, back inside where no one could see it, including herself. Then she pulled away from his hug. "Sorry," she gave him a weak smile. "It's been one hell of a week."

Ben reached for her hand and squeezed. "It's OK." He tried to look in her eyes, but she hadn't completely swallowed the pain monster yet, and he might see it, so she turned and opened the back door.

On the way to Steve's, Carrie told Ben the whole story, except the part about Steve being in love with MG. She was glad to have someone else's problems to talk about; especially someone with problems way worse than hers. She started to feel silly for her near crash and burn at Ben's house.

Sure, no one touched her, but no one hit her either. She has a nice home and food to eat and awesome friends, including Ben. And, in his typical big-brain style, he solved almost all Steve's problems with one simple solution on the ride over.

"Call Stony's parole officer and have him arrested." Why hadn't they thought of that? Stony would be out of Steve's life, and they would know where he was. He was clearly breaking his parole by doing whatever drugs he was into.

Ben waited in the jeep while Carrie went in to talk to Steve. She started with the solution, which Steve thought was possible, if the police could find Stony. That boosted her confidence for the thing she really came over to talk to him about.

"So, will you come back to school now?"

"I don't know, I hate to quit this job." Carrie was sitting on the end of his bed, which was really just a mattress on the floor, in what had to be the smallest bedroom she had ever seen. Maybe this was supposed to be a closet.

"You need to graduate."

"So I can, what? Get a job?" Carrie saw the irony, so she switched tactics. She couldn't look at him, so she looked at her shoes and blurted out, "Are you avoiding MG?"

He sat down on the mattress, then laid back and stared at the ceiling, "Maybe. What did she tell you?" Carrie chose her words carefully, "That you two got really intense over Christmas break," and here comes the hard part, "And that she's worried you won't be friends anymore." Carrie could almost feel him take the emotional hit. He put his arm over his eyes and blew out a long breath, then swallowed a few times.

"No, we're still friends." The pain in his voice hurt her. She still couldn't look at him, but she had to do this, she had to let him know she understood, that she was in the same damn boat. "If it helps any, I know how you feel." She stopped to muster her own courage, "I'm in love with Ben." Just to make sure he got the whole picture she added, "Ben my friend, with a girlfriend, who has a promise ring." The room was completely silent. Carrie could hear some kids playing in the snow outside and someone's TV from another apartment.

Steve reached over and touched her hand. He didn't hold it or squeeze it, just touched it, but it felt like a huge gesture. "Did you tell him?"

"No."

"Well, take my advice, don't." She nodded her head that she understood all that he was going through, then needed to lighten the mood, "Will you please come back to school? Your harem misses you."

He laughed, and Carrie looked back at him. He was so cute and funny and cool. How could MG not fall in love with him? But Carrie knew, she had her walls, MG had hers.

"Talk to your boss, maybe you can go back there after graduation if you like it so much." He sat up and launched himself off the mattress. As he was stuffing his wallet and keys into his pocket he said, "I might. It's not that I like it so much, but, you know, it's a job."

Before she left Carrie made him promise to call Stony's parole officer and report the fight and him using. She folded her hands in front of her and looked up at him with her best pleading eyes, "Please come back to school?"

He smiled at her, "I'll talk to my boss tonight."

She was on a bravery roll, so she added, "If you want to talk, you know, about MG, call me."

"We don't have a phone ... but thanks, and good luck with Ben. He's pretty cool." As Carrie walked out the door she figured out that Steve must be stopping at a pay phone every day before work just to call MG. The boy had it bad. Then again, she was one to talk.

Chapter 17.

Carrie felt better after talking to Steve, sort of. She was glad she told him about her feelings for Ben. She wanted him to know that she understood how he felt about MG. But now, he had her questioning what, if anything, she should tell Ben. What if she confessed to liking him, and he didn't feel the same way about her?

When they parked in his driveway, Ben unhooked his seatbelt and reached for his door handle before he noticed Carrie wasn't moving.

"Carrie?" She looked over at him. She could do this. She had to do this, or go around feeling like the whore that Joelle thought she was already.

She wasn't sure how to start, so she blurted out the first thing that came to mind, "Joelle thinks I'm trying to take you from her."

He looked forward, and breathed out relief that she had finally named the elephant in the room, "I know."

"She's not ... entirely wrong, but, I can't do this."

Ben looked down, guilt pouring off of him, the same guilt Carrie had been feeling for weeks.

"I can't be the other woman, or the bad guy who breaks you two up, or whatever horrible name she has for me."

He shook his head, trying to deny that what she was saying was true. "I got cheated on, and it hurt. I can't put myself in the same category as Candice the stripper, or your dad's girlfriend." Carrie knew she was hitting him hard now, but she had to make her point. "I may not be pure and sweet like Joelle, but I'm not that girl."

"I know you're not." His voice was quiet and more emotional than Carrie had ever heard before. "But, you're also not that kind of guy. You're not a cheater. You're not like Chuck. You can't be, you're ...," she searched for a way to describe all the good in him, "You're, Ben."

She was right. He had gotten so caught up in the idea that he might finally have a chance with her, that he was becoming someone she wouldn't want to go out with, and he had put her in a bad spot too.

"I'm sorry I put you in this spot." She shrugged, "You didn't do it alone." Ben looked out his side window. He had seen this coming. He couldn't hide his feelings for her, but he didn't want to hurt Joelle either. He had played this out in his own mind like some multi-level chess game; over and over. He tried to figure out how he could break up with Joelle and not hurt her; and figure out if Carrie really wanted him, and not lose her if she did. Now Carrie was forcing him to make a move.

He needed more information. He needed to know how Carrie felt about him. He needed to take her someplace where they could be completely alone, where no one could see them, and possibly get hurt.

"Do you trust me?"

This was not the direction Carrie thought he would go in, "Yeah."

Ben opened his door, "Then come with me." Carrie got out and stood on her side of the jeep. He reached his hand out to her, and she took it. He led her through their backyards, through the mushy snow, to the fort, where he positioned her on the porch in front of him.

He motioned his hand around him, "No one can see us here. It's just me and you." She got his point and nodded. He stepped forward and tried to look her in the eyes, but she wouldn't make eye contact. She looked down, her breathing deep and a little fast, as if she was stealing herself for something bad or ready to bolt.

He wanted to touch her, and he wanted to do it in a way that she couldn't read as only friendship. He touched her down-turned cheek, then brushed back, feeling her soft curls against his arm as they slid off her shoulder. He wrapped his hand tenderly around the back of her neck and held it there for a moment before he softly traced the shell of her ear with his thumb. She was still looking down, but she didn't pull away.

"If you don't want to, it's OK," he leaned down and spoke quietly. "We can be friends, and I'll stay away ... unless you need me." He swallowed, working up the courage to make the same request he had three years earlier, "Will you kiss me?" He leaned his forehead close to hers, "I just need to know ... "

Of course, the first time he asked her, all he had wanted, or hoped for, was a kiss. Now he wanted more, so much more. He wanted her to be his. She was really still out of his league, and right now he had a girlfriend, but he didn't care, he wanted her. This was his chance, the one he had been waiting for, if she would just kiss him, he would find a way to make it all work.

This should be so easy . She had been feeling this pull toward him, this need to be closer, and touch him, and spend time with him. So why was she scared to kiss him?

He wanted to know how she felt about him. She loved him, really loved him, and if she kissed him ... oh, god, he would know. She felt a stab of fear in her chest. Loving him, kissing him was a huge risk. Between her parents and Chuck, her track record at being loved back was pretty poor.

Being around him, when he was sweet to her and caring, brought out emotions that she would rather remain hidden. How could she hold it together if he was holding her and kissing her when she almost fell apart when he hugged her?

But he asked for her trust. Did she trust him not to hurt her? Yes. And there it was. She could do this. Because her trust in him was bigger than her fear.

She turned her face slightly upward and touched her lips to the spot on his neck that she liked so much. She felt his warm, smooth skin and the muscle underneath and she kissed him there. He held still, letting her go slow. Her breathing calmed as the knot in her chest started to melt. His jaw line was a little raspy when she kissed him there. Five o'clock shadow? She smiled at that. She could feel his cheek go taught as he smiled too, and they both relaxed more.

When she tilted up to meet his lips, she felt the hand that was cradling her head pull her in closer. Oh! It felt so good! His warm, smooth lips against the cool of hers. He pulled her body against his, wrapping his free arm around her back and squeezing her tight against his chest. He leaned down to her height, and pressed his lips against hers before tilting his head to make the kiss even deeper and skimming his tongue across her lips.

She tried to suppress a little moan that escaped as she opened for him. A wave of lust shot through her. She was riding the rush of her building heart rate and breathing. Pulling herself to him, loving the feeling of his tongue brushing against hers, teasing her. Her hips were on autopilot, drawn closer to his, leaning into his growing erection. She felt an ache, an awesome, head-spinning need that had her wanting to tear the buttons off his shirt to feel the warm skin of his chest. This was the tear-at-the-sheets, over-the-top feeling she had been missing; the one she thought everyone else was lying about.

Only, despite the passion of his kiss, Ben's hands were not tearing at her clothes. This sudden realization stopped her cold. She had forgotten why he would be so good at kissing ... Joelle. She pulled away from him slowly, hating to let go.