When everything was up in the air. When he was such a loser.

Dense silence greeted his statement. "What?" she finally whispered.

"I'm sorry. I think we should end things now before it goes too far. I'll likely be traded. Your life is here now. Listen to you, all excited about how your business is going. I'm so happy for you, baby. Happy and proud." He coughed. "I don't want things to end badly, like they did last time. But I promise you, when we see each other...at the wedding...we can be friends."

A fist squeezed his throat, clamping down.

More quiet. "Tanner. Don't do this."

He closed his eyes, his heart lodging in his throat and nearly choking him. "I'm sorry."

"Tanner. I tried to find someone after you left. Even though my heart was broken, I still believed in l-love." Her voice broke and it was like another gouge at his heart. "All those men...I thought I found love. But I always realized, just in time, that it wasn't. That it wasn't what I'd felt for y-you."

"Katelyn." His eyes burned.

"And what I feel for you now...it's even more." She was sobbing and now he felt like that fork stabbing him was wrenching his heart right out of his chest.

"Don't tell me that," he begged her. "Don't make this harder."

Silence pulsed against his ear. Then she said, "Really? Really? You want this to be easy? Just like last time, when you got to walk away?" She paused. "Well, f.u.c.k you, Tanner."

The phone went dead.

"Katelyn?"

Nothing.

He stared at his phone, fingers gripping it, every muscle rigid to the point of pain.

Then he threw the phone at the window. It smashed into pieces and pinged around the room. He dropped onto his couch and covered his face with his hands.

Chapter 19.

Katelyn's phone bounced off the wall and she threw herself onto her bed.

What the f.u.c.k had just happened?

Her heart split open, the ache in her chest so real and painful she gasped. Anger pulsed through her veins in hot bursts and her breath came in quick pants.

She'd been right. She believed in love, but it wasn't going to happen for her.

Except it had. He just didn't love her back.

f.u.c.k him. f.u.c.k him.

She replayed the conversation in her mind, over and over, his words still not making sense, still p.i.s.sing her off.

I'll likely be traded.

She closed her eyes on a wave of agony.

Yes, they'd known for a while a trade was possible. Now that Julien had been re-signed, it did seem more likely they'd trade Tanner. Everyone seemed to believe the team couldn't afford them both.

Your life is here now.

Also true, G.o.ddammit. She'd made a nice life for herself here in Chicago, building her business, making new friends. She loved this city and she was starting to feel that her network was growing enough that she could be even more successful.

I'm so happy for you, baby. Happy and proud.

She was proud of him too. His career might be uncertain at the moment, but whatever way things worked out, he was an NHL star. He'd land on his feet wherever he ended up. He'd learn to love his new team and he'd be as loyal to them as every other team he'd ever played with. She knew him. He was talented and hardworking and determined to be an elite player.

I don't want things to end badly, like they did last time.

Well, that was some spectacular bulls.h.i.t right there. What exactly did he think this was? This was so much worse than last time, it was laughable. This hurt so bad she almost couldn't breathe.

We can be friends.

More bulls.h.i.t. They'd already proved they couldn't be friends. There was too much between them...too much heat, too much pa.s.sion. That was so f.u.c.king stupid.

"Argh!" she yelled, and pounded her fists into the mattress. "f.u.c.k you, Tanner!"

How could he do this to her again? Things had been going so well. Yes, she'd been nervous about the trade thing, partly for herself, sure, but mostly for him. She was worried about him, how he was going to take it if it happened, how the uncertainty was getting to him. Hadn't she been thinking about that earlier tonight? And hadn't she just decided that she needed to be there for him, no matter what happened?

Except he didn't want her there.

Really? Really?

And she'd been stupid enough to tell him she had feelings for him. She kicked her heels into the mattress in mortification. Why had she done that?

Knowing sleep was going to be impossible now, she threw back the covers and slid out of bed. In her tiny kitchen, she flicked on the light and grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge. Leaning her b.u.t.t against the counter, she drank.

Why was he doing this? It just didn't seem possible. She and Tanner had shared so much since they'd gotten together again, like they had all those years ago, but now it felt deeper, like there was even more of a connection. He was in his prime career-wise. She knew how important it was to him, and how much these next decisions were going to impact him. She'd known about his hopes and dreams from the time they'd been teenagers.

She knew the close bonds that had formed between him and his teammates, the mutual liking and respect they all had for one another. She knew that he took care of a boy named Jaivon, who needed gla.s.ses but couldn't afford them.

She gulped more icy water, her chest tight.

She thought about Tanner's family...all the people he'd tried to love, who'd left him...the step-parents, the step-siblings, even his own parents, who'd been too busy finding new spouses to pay much attention to him. For Tanner, love meant risk. It meant hurt and insecurity and fear.

How could she show him that wasn't the case? That she loved him more than anything? She'd told him she cared about him and he'd rejected her. That hurt...G.o.d, that hurt. But she needed to show him that he could trust her. That she was there for him, no matter what. That she wasn't like everyone else.

She wasn't going to give up on him. Not this time.

She moved to the window and stared out at the dark city, tall buildings still illuminated all around her.

She'd once sacrificed her love for him. She now knew what she'd lost, and she was afraid she was never going to find anything like it again. She'd tried...Lord, she'd tried.

The fear of losing that, the fear of never finding a love like that again...it was powerful. And it was stronger than her fear of rejection. He'd already done that-how much more could he hurt her?

She wasn't going to sacrifice them again, not when they had another chance. She'd give up her business in Chicago if she had to. She could start over somewhere else, working for another event planning company...it didn't matter what she did if they were together. She'd done it before, moving to a new city. She knew she could do it again.

This time there was no good reason for them not to be together.

Tears welled up in her eyes, fast and hot. They spilled down her cheeks and her bottom lip quivered. "Dammit," she whispered into the darkness. "Dammit, Tanner."

- Tanner didn't think it was possible, but losing Katelyn now hurt even more than it had last time.

He did a fierce workout at the Moens Center before their practice. Their head trainer, Tony, was there, and gave him some new moves to work his back and shoulders. He tried not to think that in a few days he could be doing this in a different place with different training staff.

His heart may not have been all in when they went on the ice, but he faked it, laughing, joking around, working hard. It felt good to push his body to the point of exhaustion.

Kevin was in town Friday for a meeting with Aces management.

"Something's going on," he told Tanner when they met after. "They're not saying much, but I get a feeling there's something in the works. Look, do you want me to kick the tires in Anaheim? See what their interest is?"

Tanner stared at him. "f.u.c.k. Really?"

"I can't get involved in their trade negotiations, but I can chat informally with Stan there. If you're interested, I can let them know you'd be eager to move."

"I'm not eager to move."

Kevin nodded. "I know. But we have to be smart."

"I don't know. No. Don't talk to them. I'd rather you tell Mr. Yarish I want to stay here."

"I've told them that. But not to the tune of millions of dollars. You need a deal that pays you what you're worth, wherever that is."

Tanner stared at Kevin for a long moment. He wanted to tell Kevin to just take whatever the h.e.l.l they were offering and get it done. He wanted it settled. He wanted to stay in Chicago. But that would be a f.u.c.king stupid career move. He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "Okay. I guess we'll find out soon enough what's going on."

At least the road trip to Nashville would keep him busy. He'd be with the guys, and Nashville was a fun city to visit.

They arrived Sat.u.r.day, ahead of the Sunday night game, and a bunch of them headed out to hit some bars on Broadway. The sidewalk along the famous street was teeming with people, to the point that it was hard to walk, although the crowds did seem to part for the group of big guys. Bright neon signs lit up the buildings lining the street, red and gold, purple and green. Traffic flowed past in a steady stream and music drifted out through open doors and windows.

The last time he'd hurt like this, he'd distracted himself from the pain by throwing himself into hockey, trying to make the team during training camp. Also women. Lots of women. The bars along Broadway were packed with people Sat.u.r.day night, including lots of gorgeous girls.

Somehow hooking up with one of them appealed to him about as much as being b.u.t.t-ended in the junk.

They ended up in the Red Boot, a crowded, smoky, loud honky-tonk place. The band on the stage at the front played a cover of Dwight Yoakam's "Intentional Heartache," and they were actually pretty good. Couples danced on the small dance floor to the catchy rhythm. Tanner sprawled in a chair, watching and listening, and tossing back beers and shots of Tennessee Fireball. In the back of his mind he knew this wasn't a good idea, since they had a game tomorrow, but the booze was a welcome antidote to the f.u.c.king forks that kept stabbing his heart and twisting in his gut.

"She asked me if I was circ.u.mcised," Hughie was saying. "Just when she was going down on me. What the f.u.c.k?"

"Why?" Rico asked. "Why does that matter?"

"I don't know."

"Some girls would rather go down on a circ.u.mcised d.i.c.k." Ronner shrugged. "I heard they think uncut d.i.c.ks taste different."

"Jesus," Tanner muttered, and tossed back another shot.

"I dunno...I had a girl tell me she liked f.u.c.king an uncut d.i.c.k better. It made her feel more," Rico said.

"Some women think a circ.u.mcised d.i.c.k looks better."

"Why the f.u.c.k are we talking about d.i.c.ks?" Tanner nearly shouted. Then he glanced around the crowded bar. "Jesus, guys."

His life was spinning around uselessly, like s.h.i.t in a toilet, about to go down the drain, and they were talking about d.i.c.ks.

He was going to have to leave Chicago, a city he really liked. He was going to have to leave his buddies, the teammates he'd become friends with, the guys who had his back on the ice and off. The fans in Chicago who'd supported him and the Aces team.

But worst of all, he was going to have to leave Katelyn.

He loved the woman she'd become. He loved her loyalty to her father and how she'd taken care of him, even if it had ended things between them. As a team player, he respected that. As a man, he wished he could have been there for her. But she was strong and she'd made it through that ordeal, and now she could handle anything.

There was that rusty fork twisting in his heart again, G.o.ddammit.

"Men aren't that fussy about p.u.s.s.y," Rico said.

"Speak for yourself," Hughie said. "I kinda freaked out once when I discovered that a girl I was with was, uh, natural."

"Bushy Park?" Rico asked.

"Oh yeah."

"s.n.a.t.c.h thatch," Ronner added.

"f.u.c.k me," Tanner groaned.

Rico shrugged. "I don't mind that. Although hiking through the jungle makes it harder to find the hidden treasure."

The guys all laughed.

"You don't see much jungle these days," Rico mused.

"That's why I was freaked out!" Hughie said. "I think every girl I've ever been with is bare down there."

"You know what I don't like?" Pilker asked. "I don't like it when a woman's bra and panties don't match."

Everyone stared at him. "Seriously?"

"Yeah. It just seems wrong. Like, she wouldn't go to the beach with a different bathing suit top and bottom. So why would she wear panties that don't match the bra?" He shrugged.