12.

We made our preparations to marry. In honor of the occasion, my wife-to-be tattooed a message onto her left shoulder blade: "I Do," in curvy script, surrounded by a large red heart. I responded in kind, inscribing her name in large block letters on the back of my left hand.

You know that expression, "I know it like the back of my hand?" It makes less sense now to most people, because they spend all day staring at computer screens and talking on the telephone. But for people who do manual labor for a living, that phrase still has its full meaning. Because of the kind of work I do, I had to look at it a thousand times a day: Janine. Janine.

The day of our wedding, we slipped ourselves into our nicest duds and readied to receive all of our friends and family at the chapel. But when I showed up at the church parking lot, a surprise lay in store for me: amazingly, my dad had showed up at my wedding.

"Come by to pay your last respects?" I asked him, in a mildly cold tone.

"You invited me, didn't you?" My dad gave me his hurt face. His beard had gone full white, but it was well-trimmed, and his eyes were vibrant. He looked handsome for an older guy.

"I invited you to my first wedding, too," I said. "But you didn't show up to that."

"Jess," my dad said, "give me a break, why don't you? This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Say, who's this little guy?" he said, turning to Jesse Jr., who was dressed up in a tux.

"Your grandson," I said. "He's five. Nice to meet him after all these years?"

"It certainly is," my dad said, ignoring my tone. He picked up Jesse Jr. and held him in his arms. "Well, h.e.l.lo, young man, h.e.l.lo at last."

My dad didn't fool me for a second. Now that I was a success, he was showing up at my wedding for the same reason he'd come to my football games in high school: he wanted the world to know which tree the apple fell from. Let him preen for the crowd, I wasn't going to fall for it.

"That was real nice," I said, prying my confused son from his grandfather's arms. "But I gotta get married now. Tell you what, we'll see you in five years or so, okay?"

My dad just shook his head. "If you say so," he said. Then he laughed. "I sure hope that wife of yours understands what she's getting into."

An hour later, Janine and I exchanged our vows. It was all easy as pie. We kissed up on stage in front of two hundred cheering people, danced the first dance, real slow and pretty. Just like my dad had done so many years earlier, I'd gotten myself hitched a second time. I'd snagged a new wife, delivered to my kids a brand-new stepmom. We were just another typical, fractured American family: held together with new love, hope, and masking tape.

My kids seemed to like Janine, cautiously. On the occasions when they stayed over at my place, Janine would bake brownies with Chandler and pick out clothes with her, or snuggle up with Jesse Jr. and play pretend, read him bedtime stories.

"Have you ever seen this book, Jesse, Curious George Curious George?"

He shook his head.

"Well, I just just found it over at my old house. I used to read this when I was a little girl, just about your age!" Janine smiled. "Would you like me to read it to you? It's about a silly little monkey." found it over at my old house. I used to read this when I was a little girl, just about your age!" Janine smiled. "Would you like me to read it to you? It's about a silly little monkey."

Jesse Jr. nodded, pleased. "Monkeys have tails. tails."

I was certainly happy for any help I could get with the kids. My crazy work schedule continued to wreak havoc on my life. It wasn't enough to have a secretary at West Coast Choppers anymore: I had to hire a personal a.s.sistant, Audrey, just to keep up with all my obligations.

"Men's Fitness is requesting to do a photo shoot with you." is requesting to do a photo shoot with you."

"Well, tell them no."

"I already did," Audrey said. "They're insistent; they said they'll pay good money. They're even offering discounted ad s.p.a.ce on the inside back cover. What do you say?"

"h.e.l.l, I don't know," I considered. "What else do I have to do this week?"

"You've got a six-day build for Monster Garage, Monster Garage, and then you're volunteering at Long Beach Poly on Sunday, doing something called"-she consulted her book-"a backyard build. Plus, you need to complete Kid Rock's bike for his birthday, how far along are you on that?" and then you're volunteering at Long Beach Poly on Sunday, doing something called"-she consulted her book-"a backyard build. Plus, you need to complete Kid Rock's bike for his birthday, how far along are you on that?"

"Behind."

"Well, step it up, we can't move his birthday, now can we?" she said. "Oh, and you're committed to do a GQ GQ event on Sat.u.r.day evening." event on Sat.u.r.day evening."

"Great," I groaned. "Another calm week."

"Exactly," Audrey agreed. "It won't get truly crazy until the holidays."

"Look, do me a favor," I said. "Cancel the GQ GQ thing." thing."

"But why?" she asked.

"I have to do something with my wife."

"Bring her to the GQ GQ party! You're sure to have a good time." party! You're sure to have a good time."

"Can't," I said, regretfully. "Janine works weekends."

My new wife, the retired p.o.r.n star, was still stripping occasionally. I'd told her there was no need anymore-she didn't need to earn her own money, we were in this together-but she just patted me on the head dismissively. Janine still loved a crowd. She fed off of their attention and acknowledgment; when she was up on stage, working a bunch of starstruck men, she was still the most beautiful woman in the world. Janine had first posed for Penthouse Penthouse at the age of eighteen; the adult business was what she knew. She was going to keep on performing no matter what I had to say. And this weekend, she had a gig at the Spearmint Rhino in Torrance. at the age of eighteen; the adult business was what she knew. She was going to keep on performing no matter what I had to say. And this weekend, she had a gig at the Spearmint Rhino in Torrance.

When you compared it to other L.A. clubs, the Spearmint Rhino actually came off as kind of a winner. Jumbo's Clown Room hired all the ugly girls. Cheetah's and the Seventh Veil were straight-up Armenian mafia joints. And Bob's Cla.s.sy Lady in Van Nuys was not so cla.s.sy. The Rhino, at the very least, lacked a lunch buffet.

"I respect this place," I told Janine, when we'd filed in through the back door and began to make ourselves at home in the dressing room. "It's kind of civilized."

"Huh?" Janine said, distracted, toying with her eyeliner. "What are you talking about?"

"I feel at home here, kind of. I don't feel like, well, killing myself. That's all." Experimentally, I dragged my feet on the synthetic-fibered strip-bar carpeting. A small puff of dust rose up around my ankles, then settled. "Listen, do you need anything?"

"Yes. Be a good boy and get me a gla.s.s of vodka, please."

"Vodka martini?" I asked. "Vodka cranberry?"

"A gla.s.s gla.s.s of of vodka, vodka," Janine repeated, p.r.o.nouncing every word deliberately. "Be quick. Go, go, go."

A few minutes later, I was back. "Listen, that guy behind the bar gave me one h.e.l.l of a funny look . . ."

"You're such a sweetheart," Janine interrupted, s.n.a.t.c.hing the drink out of my hand. "Now, leave me alone for a second. I need to get my head together before they call me out on stage."

Just then, though, we heard the club DJ bellow into his microphone.

"Ladies and and gentlemen, gentlemen, let's give it up for our main attraction tonight, a very s.e.xY lady . . ." let's give it up for our main attraction tonight, a very s.e.xY lady . . ."

"Oh, f.u.c.k me," Janine moaned. "I'm not even G.o.dd.a.m.n made up all the way!"

"She's a Penthouse Pet and a Vivid Girl . . . a mainstream music video vixen, and a close personal friend of Jenna Jameson . . . and hoo boy, I'm talking personal personal!"

Boorish laughter boomed through the club.

"Time for that vodka," she declared. "Down the hatch."

"People, let's put our hands together and give a warm Rhino welcome to the hottest piece of a.s.s in three states-JANINE!!"

"Hold it, honey," I said, "don't you want to wait until . . ."

Shushing me impatiently, Janine brought the gla.s.s to her lips, and tipped her head straight back. I stared, horrified, as I watched her throat piston back and forth, until every last drop was swallowed.

"Ahhh." Janine slammed the gla.s.s on the table, then wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. She shook her head, shuddering. "That was just what I needed." Janine slammed the gla.s.s on the table, then wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. She shook her head, shuddering. "That was just what I needed."

My mouth hung open. What in the h.e.l.l? What in the h.e.l.l?

"What are you you looking at?" Janine laughed. "Stand back or step aside, dammit! It's time to dance." looking at?" Janine laughed. "Stand back or step aside, dammit! It's time to dance."

Pushing her way past me, Janine clipped briskly out of the dressing room, her slim, exquisite body clad only in spike heels and an expensive bra-and-panty set. Her theme song, Blink 182's "What's My Age Again?" blared from the speakers, and from the appreciative roar of the crowd, I gathered that she'd made it up on stage. I hung back, not really interested in taking in the spectacle. After all, I'd have her later, at home-this performance was for the schmucks who had to pay for the privilege of watching. "What's My Age Again?" blared from the speakers, and from the appreciative roar of the crowd, I gathered that she'd made it up on stage. I hung back, not really interested in taking in the spectacle. After all, I'd have her later, at home-this performance was for the schmucks who had to pay for the privilege of watching.

Fifteen minutes later, Janine strode furiously into the dressing room, looking incensed.

"What the f.u.c.k?"

"What are you yelling at me for?" I snapped.

"I just killed killed out there, and you didn't even catch it. Why weren't you out there, and you didn't even catch it. Why weren't you out out there?" she demanded. there?" she demanded.

"I didn't realize you needed me by your side every instant."

"I don't!" Janine said. "But for some reason, I thought you might want to watch your wife wife dance on stage. Are you ashamed of me, Jesse?" dance on stage. Are you ashamed of me, Jesse?"

I didn't say anything. Instead I considered her question. Maybe I was was ashamed. Part of me had been really into the fact that she'd been a p.o.r.n star-it sure impressed the average guy on the street. But now I had to deal with the reality of the situation: having a p.o.r.n star or a stripper for a wife meant the woman you shared a home with got naked in front of other people. And I wasn't really sure I wanted that, to be honest. ashamed. Part of me had been really into the fact that she'd been a p.o.r.n star-it sure impressed the average guy on the street. But now I had to deal with the reality of the situation: having a p.o.r.n star or a stripper for a wife meant the woman you shared a home with got naked in front of other people. And I wasn't really sure I wanted that, to be honest.

"You're a narcissist," Janine said, shaking her head back and forth, furious. "If the spotlight's not on you, then you can't function."

"Don't be crazy," I said, annoyed. "That's not it at all."

"Jesse!" Janine cried in frustration. "Why am I dealing with your bulls.h.i.t right now?"

"Exactly," I said, exasperated. "After all, isn't this when you're supposed to be giving lap dances to all the johns?"

Janine stared at me balefully. "How dare dare you." you."

"You know what?" I said, shaking my head. "I don't think I like strip clubs that much anymore. I'm out of here. You can take a taxi home."

I withdrew three twenty-dollar bills from my wallet, and thrust them toward her.

"Keep your money," Janine said quietly. A cool smile appeared on her face. "I'm about to go make my own."

She came home very late that night, crawling quietly into bed. The next morning, clad in a conservative bathrobe, her hair pulled back, all traces of makeup gone from her face, she made me a big breakfast.

"I didn't mean to get all upset at you, Jesse," she said carefully, sausage frying in a heavy black skillet. "But I would have really appreciated it if you had come to watch me dance."

"Well, honestly, I would have. I just didn't know it was that important to you."

"Just think about it!" Janine pleaded. "You're good at so many things; I'm only good at one one thing. Last night, that was my thing! Of course I want the most important person in my life to witness me doing it." thing. Last night, that was my thing! Of course I want the most important person in my life to witness me doing it."

"Man," I said, feeling suddenly guilty. "I'm sorry. I guess I just didn't see it that way at the time."

"Well," Janine said, sliding the sausages onto a plate and placing them before me. "It's my fault, for not explaining it better to you."

I got up and walked over to her. "Will you accept my apology?" I said, sheepishly.

Janine grinned. "Of course, silly." She moved to embrace me. "You are such a sweetie, underneath all that guff. guff."

I held her happily for a moment, and kissed her on the side of her temple. "You know what?" I said, suddenly. "You and I should get ourselves a new place to live. A place where we can start over fresh."

"Seriously?" Janine's eyes opened wide. "Are you, like, kidding me?"

"Nope," I said proudly. "Would you like that?"

"Oh, baby!" she cried, leaping into my arms, laughing joyously. "Let's live by the "Let's live by the beach beach! My whole life, I've always wanted to live by the ocean!"

"If that's what you want," I promised, "that's where we're going to live."

Janine's highs were so high, and her exuberance so contagious, that it wasn't merely a figure of speech to say it made me happy to make her happy. Truly, I fed off of her lightheartedness. Her love for me felt like more than just an emotion she expressed. It was a form of sustenance.

Several months later, we went to see a gorgeous house on Seal Beach, about fifteen minutes from downtown Long Beach.

"Oh, I love it, Jesse," Janine said, as we walked across the hardwood of the empty downstairs living room. "I absolutely love it." She smiled at me, her eyes sparkling. "This could be a wonderful house for a family. family."

"Yep. Jesse and Chandler will love it," I agreed.

"That's not exactly what I meant," she said, smiling. "And you know it."

That very day, we signed the papers to purchase the house, and we began to map out the next twenty years together. Flushed by the pleasure of the deal, Janine was expansive, detailing her long-held desire to raise a whole slew of kids, and perhaps someday live on a farm, with livestock and maybe a vineyard. Carefully, I reminded her that I wasn't a farmer . . . I worked on motorcycles for a living. She pooh-poohed me: too rational. Not enough imagination. She ruffled my hair. Stared deeply into my eyes.

The next weekend, I was scheduled to make an appearance at a Walmart in Bentonville, Arkansas, where we were going to introduce a new project, Jesse James West Coast Choppers Industrial Wear, a line of men's work-wear clothing. I was slated to sign autographs and meet some of the company's top bra.s.s.

"Feel like coming along?" I asked Janine.

"Of course, course," she said happily. "You know me. I love to meet the people!"

But to her surprise and annoyance, the crowd a.s.sembled in the Walmart parking lot took little notice of Janine. In fact, they barely acknowledged her presence. The herd of Southern bikers appeared far more focused on getting an autograph from the man from Monster Garage Monster Garage than on approaching his p.o.r.n-star wife. than on approaching his p.o.r.n-star wife.