A dog won't make you feel like a slob. A cat's hyper-fastidiousness serves as a constant rebuke to those of us with messy tendencies. In contrast, you're bound to feel neat in comparison with a pet that likes to roll around on dead pigeons. A dog won't make you feel like a slob. A cat's hyper-fastidiousness serves as a constant rebuke to those of us with messy tendencies. In contrast, you're bound to feel neat in comparison with a pet that likes to roll around on dead pigeons.A dog won't ignore you. He may irritate you with demands for attention or with his attentions to you, but you'll never feel as though you're on the needy end of a romantic relationship.If you're female and single and have a cat-especially more than one-you run the risk of being regarded as a cliche when you pa.s.s the age of 30.12 If you're male and single and straight, sharing your home with a cat may lead others to question your masculinity. Multiply that doubt by the number of cats you have. If you're male and single and straight, sharing your home with a cat may lead others to question your masculinity. Multiply that doubt by the number of cats you have.12 A cat won't allow you to dress him or to pose him in front of a bowling alley or a drum set. A cat won't allow you to dress him or to pose him in front of a bowling alley or a drum set.Being accompanied by a dog will allow you to talk aloud to yourself in public without appearing crazy (or obnoxious, as would be the case if you were attached to a cell phone). Caveat: Caveat: If you act as though your dog is answering you, then you will seem crazy anyway. If you act as though your dog is answering you, then you will seem crazy anyway.By obeying selected commands, dogs let you maintain the illusion that you have power over them. Cats don't bother to pretend that they don't rule your life.If you die on his watch, a dog will remain by your side, waiting for you to wake up and feed him. A cat will just feed on you.13

CHAPTER 2.

HE'S NEARLY HERE-NOW WHAT?

16. WHAT'S THE MINIMUM I SHOULD GET BEFORE I BRING MY DOG HOME?

Puppies and adult dogs have slightly different needs, but the essentials are the same: food, shelter, basic cable (okay, entertainment). Your needs, in contrast, tend to center around keeping your new pal from escaping and/or destroying stuff.

To those ends, you'll want to lay in the following: BeddingA collar and ID tags (see also question 23)A leash and, in some cases, halterFood, including treatsA few safe toysOne bowl for food, one for waterA crateA baby gate (if you need to cordon off a separate room for the dog to stay)14 Cleaning supplies, especially those meant to soak up odors Cleaning supplies, especially those meant to soak up odorsList of emergency numbersRecreational substance of choice (for you, not the dog) I'll go into detail about most of these items in later chapters. But except for investing in high-quality food15 and a decent crate for an adult dog, don't, I repeat, don't, spend much money on any of them. Clean towels or blankets make good temporary beds for dogs who may not have their bathroom habits under complete control. Your pooch won't be impressed by the glaze on an expensive ceramic bowl, and you'll only be irritated if she's not interested in-or quickly demolishes-that pricey stuffed bear. Besides, you'll discover that after you get a dog, your friends will buy gifts for her instead of for you. Let them sh.e.l.l out the money for the good stuff. and a decent crate for an adult dog, don't, I repeat, don't, spend much money on any of them. Clean towels or blankets make good temporary beds for dogs who may not have their bathroom habits under complete control. Your pooch won't be impressed by the glaze on an expensive ceramic bowl, and you'll only be irritated if she's not interested in-or quickly demolishes-that pricey stuffed bear. Besides, you'll discover that after you get a dog, your friends will buy gifts for her instead of for you. Let them sh.e.l.l out the money for the good stuff.

Some experts recommend buying a toothbrush and grooming tools, including nail clippers, to get your dog accustomed to his toilette right off the bat. I think it's okay to allow him some lapses in personal hygiene for a few weeks, until he gets to know and trust you a bit. (I draw the line at a dog that's rolled in something disgusting, in which case a prompt shampooing is called for.) 17. HOW ELSE SHOULD I PREPARE FOR THE HOMECOMING?.

Meditate. Play racquetball. Watch dumb movies. Do whatever it is you usually do to relax (except for drinking heavily; you've got too much to accomplish). Both you and your new dog are going to be under a good deal of stress initially; accept that and try to minimize it.

Along with your personal chilling techniques, it's useful to ...

CLEAR SOME s.p.a.cE (LITERALLY).

Many dogs, especially those who've been kept in a small area in a shelter, aren't used to their new-found freedom and get nervous if they're allowed to wander freely right away. And many have a tendency to, well, dog you wherever you go. Being shadowed is very unnerving if you're not used to it-and even if you are. So clear out a s.p.a.ce that your dog can settle into and explore safely and that you can easily clean-maybe the kitchen if it's large enough. Exploring can come later; for the time being, there's security in containment for both of you.

Limiting the range of exploration will also allow you to determine just how much damage your dog is capable of inflicting on your house. Puppies can be depended on to try to ingest pretty much everything, so be sure to put breakables and electric cords out of reach, and to apply a safe (both for the furniture and the dog) antichew substance such as bitter apple to the wooden legs of any item that can't be relocated without difficulty.

CLEAR SOME s.p.a.cE (METAPHORICALLY).

There's a fine line between socializing a puppy and terrifying him. Don't isolate your dog but don't overwhelm him either. Feed him, hang out with him, take him outside, let him know you're around-but don't crowd him. If your dog is outnumbered by humans in your household, have each family member approach individually rather than en ma.s.se.

DON'T GET HUNG UP ON DETAILS What I remember most vividly about Frankie's first days with me was feeling overwhelmed. Well-meaning friends would recommend the best places to shop for inexpensive flea and tick medication while I was struggling with the big picture: that there was an alien creature in my house who didn't appear to like me. Arrange to have a calm, dog-savvy friend on call who will address all your concerns, no matter how trivial, but who will not offer unsolicited advice.

In my case, it turned out to be my friend Elaine-as I discovered when I phoned her in a panic because half of Frankie's morning p.o.o.p production was stuck, drying, to his rear end. I couldn't imagine trying to clear off the mess with shampoo, but didn't believe either Frankie or I would appreciate its presence for very long. Elaine advocated an immediate application of toilet paper to remove as much of the offending matter as possible-and then explained that sometimes you need to give your dog's b.u.t.t a haircut. She didn't proceed to tell me that PetSmart was having a kibble sale.

PLAN TO BE AT HOME FOR AT LEAST TWO DAYS.

This is key, whether you're paper training a puppy or trying to make an older dog feel comfortable. If various family members are to be a.s.signed different doggie responsibilities, get them sorted out during this period. But setting aside two days to get acquainted doesn't mean you should never leave the house. This is a great time to set the tone for your departures. Going out for increasingly long periods (though not more than a few hours) without making a fuss-that's right, no dramatic farewells-will prepare your dog for your future absences while a.s.suring him of your dependable eventual return.

FIND A TRAINING CLa.s.s.

Puppies should be socialized and taught good manners as soon as possible, so don't wait to locate a good trainer-which I discuss in Chapter 6-for yours. But older dogs need education, too. The sooner you rid them of behaviors that bother you, the happier you'll both be.

GET READY TO HANG ON-AND ENJOY THE RIDE You'll almost certainly be on an emotional rollercoaster when a dog enters your life. One minute she'll do something amusing like licking your knee, and you'll think, "I love her. She's a hoot!" The next, she'll start barking furiously at nothing, and you'll decide you were insane to take on this responsibility. Mood swings are perfectly normal and they'll subside-at least for long stretches of time.

18. WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO BRING MY DOG HOME?

This is not as obvious as you might think. Unless you live within walking distance of a shelter or a breeder, an automobile is likely to be involved. But whose automobile? You might want to use your own car so as to introduce your dog to his future chariot right off. Then again, you might want to borrow a car from a good friend or close family member, so that any trauma a.s.sociated with the trip home isn't revisited every time your dog sees your vehicle.

If your dog isn't used to a crate and, especially, a crate small enough to serve as a carrier, bringing him home in captivity isn't the best way to roll out the welcome mat.16 For puppies and small dogs, a towel-lined cardboard box-or a designated hugger-is a far better option. You'll therefore need the aforementioned friend or family member to accompany you, either to do the driving or to sit in the backseat with your pup. For puppies and small dogs, a towel-lined cardboard box-or a designated hugger-is a far better option. You'll therefore need the aforementioned friend or family member to accompany you, either to do the driving or to sit in the backseat with your pup.

It's only fair to make potential dog attendants aware that, besides calming duties, they may be expected to perform such functions as keeping your dog from leaping into the front seat and cleaning up any messes created by nervousness or carsickness, canine or human. For the latter reason, it's a good idea to cover the car's backseat with old towels or sheets before embarking on this adventure; to take along a roll of paper towels for mop-ups; and to crack the car windows sufficiently to provide air-but not enough to allow escape, canine or human.

19. WHAT SHOULD I CALL MY DOG?.

Call him anything you like-just don't call him late for dinner.

Hold the groans. It happens to be true, at least from your dog's perspective. Unlike children, who grow up to resent you if you saddle them with embarra.s.sing monikers, dogs don't care what sounds you use to summon them. In fact, if you need to change your pup's name down the road,17 you can do so over the course of a few days by plying him with treats and other signs of approval. you can do so over the course of a few days by plying him with treats and other signs of approval.

Humans, on the other hand, attach great significance to names, which are also key to communicating with and training your dog. So it's in all your best interests to decide on something suitable as soon as possible.

You'll have plenty of help. Entire books have been devoted to dog names, replete with etymologies. Forget Fido, Spot, and Rover. According to a Dogster.com survey, the most common labels for today's trendy pup are the following: survey, the most common labels for today's trendy pup are the following: For girls: Lucy, Bella, Daisy, Molly, Maggie, Chloe, Sophie, Lola, Bailey, Roxy. Lucy, Bella, Daisy, Molly, Maggie, Chloe, Sophie, Lola, Bailey, Roxy.For boys: Buddy, Max, Jake, Charlie, Rocky, Jack, Bailey, Toby, Buster, Bear. Buddy, Max, Jake, Charlie, Rocky, Jack, Bailey, Toby, Buster, Bear.

I'm sorry to report that Lucky also ranks rather high on both the male and female lists-sorry because vets agree that Lucky may be the unluckiest name ever to grace a dog collar. To use it is to invite disaster.18 Trends notwithstanding, it's best to find a name that fits the personality and appearance of the actual dog who has taken up residence with you.

Trying out different names on puppies is easy. They're too busy figuring out the relationship between piddling on the carpet and the loud vocalizations the act elicits to worry about any less urgent noises being directed toward them. But don't worry about creating an ident.i.ty crisis in an adult dog that you adopt from a shelter, either; except under rare circ.u.mstances, your new pup is already operating under an a.s.sumed-or rather, newly a.s.signed-name (the ability to respond to which may be among the things that saved her life). Nevertheless, it's still best to audition new names surrept.i.tiously until you're certain you have a winner.

Along with sussing out the suitability of a name to your new pal's looks and personality, there are some other factors to consider.

YOU WILL BE USING THE NAME IN PUBLIC.

Although Sweetcheeks might be endearing at home, you run the risk of humiliation-and of having unsavory strangers respond-if you use it when you're shopping with your Maltese in Home Depot.

Be careful, too, of sound-a-likes. My friend Clare had always liked the name Venus, which suggested both strength and beauty-until, that is, she heard it used on the beach. It took a while for her to realize that the dog's owner wasn't attempting to summon a male s.e.x organ.

The converse holds true, too-that is, you might regret choosing a name primarily for its public effect. I'd always wanted to call a dog "Stella"-no matter what the gender-so I could bellow down the street a la Stanley Kowalski. Never mind that I'm not generally a bellower and that not everyone has seen A Streetcar Named Desire. A Streetcar Named Desire. I was convinced it would be an endless source of amus.e.m.e.nt for me and everyone I encountered. I was convinced it would be an endless source of amus.e.m.e.nt for me and everyone I encountered.

Luckily, I was saved from my worst instincts when the dog I adopted was prenamed Frankie, after the golf partner of his rescuer's husband. Frankie's not a duffer-type pup-although he has been known to pee on the greens at resort courses-but the name nevertheless suited the little guy to a tee.

IRONY GETS OLD QUICKLY.

Lots of people think it's funny to call their Chihuahuas "Tiger" or their Great Danes "Tiny." One man I pa.s.s while walking Frankie always says "Hi, Killer" to my shy, pint-sized guy. I was amused maybe the first 10 times he did it, not so much after that.

POP CULTURE REFERENCES ALSO GET DATED, FAST.

Except in the case of Elvis. I personally know two canine Elvises (Elvi?) whose owners are generations apart.

A NAME SHOULDN'T BE TOO LONG OR COMPLEX.

Dogs have fairly short attention spans when it comes to language (as opposed, again, to food; you'll discover that your dog's gaze might remain fixed on your plate for the entire duration of your dinner). By the time you're done saying "t.i.tus Andronicus" or "Princess Grace," your dog will have stopped looking at you and returned to licking his or her privates. One or two syllables-anything you can shout quickly in an emergency-should suffice.

A NAME SHOULD NOT SOUND TOO SIMILAR TO A COMMAND.

If you name a dog Don, for example, he will either spend a lot of time in a down stay position or look at you quizzically whenever you try to put him in one.

A NAME SHOULD NOT SOUND TOO MUCH LIKE THAT OF A NONCANINE MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY.

Unless, of course, you discover that the similarity helps resolve a child's discipline issues.

A NAME SHOULDN'T BE CHOSEN AS A TRIBUTE TO SOMEONE WHO'S STILL ALIVE.

What might seem like a good idea in puppyhood can turn dicey if the dog becomes fat and flatulent. It's also a good idea to steer clear of the recently departed, lest relatives feel their kin has been disrespected.

Finally, keep in mind that your dog's primary name merely serves as a base for the riffs you'll play on it. Frankie soon became Frankie Doodle because I thought he was dandy.

This morphed into Frankie Doodle, my tiny Poodle, and from that into Poodle Boy. He is also Frankfurter or, if he's being imperious, His Frankiness. Sometimes I call him bat boy because his ears seem capable of echolocation, or honey bunny because he's small and fuzzy ... You get the picture.

He doesn't answer to most of these names, of course, but at least I found a way to amuse myself that doesn't involve bellowing "STEH-LUH" down the street.

20. HOW SHOULD I REFER TO MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DOG?.

I'm afraid this issue is as complicated-and as emotionally fraught-as discussing human partnerships that fall outside the bounds of traditional marriage. The awkward "significant other" is elegant compared to what's involved in describing the human-canine bond.

The term "owner" has become problematic because it implies that a dog is merely property; the more acceptable usage is "guardian" of a "companion animal" (formerly known as a "pet"). The thinking behind movements such as the "Guardian Campaign," being conducted by the California-based In Defense of Animals, is that changing the way we speak about animals changes the way we act towards them. By replacing "ownership," which suggests unbridled power, with "guardianship," which suggests protection, we head off animal abuse, the theory goes.

Hmmm.

Of course Frankie is my companion and I'm constantly reminded that he's an animal, but guardian doesn't come close to describing my indentured servitude to him. When, in return for room, board, medical care, transportation, and p.o.o.p scooping, Frankie starts pulling his weight by doing the laundry and contributing to the utility bills, I'll consider redefining our relationship. In the meantime, I own his cute little b.u.t.t.

Perhaps more to the point, "companion" and "guardian" are cold in comparison with the terms of endearment you'll encounter everywhere pet lovers gather, including online. Dogs are regularly referred to as "fur people" or "fur babies," their owners as "moms" and "dads." Me, I'm a bit creeped out by the parenting metaphors. As much as I adore Frankie, I find the notion of having given birth to him or any member of another species rather freakish. And I don't even want to contemplate who the father of such a union might have been-and what unnatural acts I would have had to perform with him. I've therefore decided to start calling Frankie my SCO: Significant Canine Other. This term can be adapted to multidog households, with SCO1, SCO2, and so on used to refer to the order of acquisition (um, a.s.sumption of the guardianship role).

21. WHERE SHOULD MY DOG SLEEP?.

Wolf-canine a.n.a.logies loom large in expert opinions on this topic. Dubious as many such comparisons may be, in this case they lead to advice that strikes me as reasonable. To wit, whatever you ultimately decide about sharing your Posturepedic, it's a good idea to let your new dog stay in the wolf den (a.k.a. your bedroom) initially, to allow her to feel like part of the pack (a.k.a. you and your family). Proximity to your scent is all that's required, so it's fine for her to sleep in her own bed or in a crate. Your dog will never tell you if you're too close, so just choose a place where you won't trip over her if you get up in the middle of the night.

In fact, it's not only fine to keep your dog at a distance at first, but desirable. Because Frankie was so standoffish initially, I was thrilled when he finally deigned to get off the couch and bond with my pillow. But we're talking about a diminutive pup. You might, with good reason, have reservations about letting an 80-pound lug hog the blankets. So play hard to get for a while, at least until you're sure whether or not your dog snores. It's the same as with humans: after you let them into your bed, you have a tough time getting them out.

22. WHAT COMMUNICATION BASICS DO I NEED TO KNOW TO GET OFF ON THE RIGHT FOOT/ PAWS?.

Chapter 6 focuses on training in more detail, but some things are useful to keep in mind from the beginning.

DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT FROM YOUR DOG, AND BE CONSISTENT ABOUT ASKING FOR IT.

Some people don't mind if their dog shares the sofa with them; others prefer to keep their furniture pup-free. Make up your mind about what you'd like and stick to it; otherwise you'll just confuse your dog.

But don't be inflexible. Your dog may not be capable of conforming to your every lifestyle desire, especially early on. Just establish general principles and work towards them as best you can.

DON'T REWARD FOR BAD BEHAVIOR, AND DON'T SCOLD FOR GOOD This corollary to the first dictate may seem obvious, but it's surprisingly easy to do the opposite of what you intend. For example, it may initially tickle you to catch your dog nabbing food from the kitchen counter, but if you laugh instead of commanding "No" and distracting your dog the first few times, you're likely to create an unregenerate counter surfer-or at the least one who's baffled by your inconsistency.

Conversely, if you catch your pup behaving badly and call him over to you, don't reprimand him if he responds. He won't a.s.sociate the tongue-lashing with the act you've interrupted; the only thing you'll have taught him is to avoid coming when summoned.

DON'T TAKE YOUR DOG'S BEHAVIOR PERSONALLY Dogs will be dogs. They dig, sniff, chew, bark, chase things, fight, and partake in other activities that might render them less-than-perfect housemates, but they don't do it to offend you. So don't take offense-take training cla.s.ses. And remember, you you do things that are considered hostile in the dog universe, such as making direct eye contact and giving head pats. Your excuse is no different from theirs: you don't know any better. do things that are considered hostile in the dog universe, such as making direct eye contact and giving head pats. Your excuse is no different from theirs: you don't know any better.

AVOID PUP PSYCHOLOGY.

Dogs unquestionably have emotions and goals such as achieving pleasure and avoiding pain. But their emotions and goals are not precisely the same as ours. For example, when you come home to discover that your dog has p.o.o.ped on the rug, don't interpret the expression on her face when she greets you as guilt. It is far more likely to be confusion about why you've suddenly begun barking at her. And pushing her face into the offending (to you) feces will merely indicate that you have some peculiar feeding habits. She would much prefer you to push her face into hamburger and skip the irritating vocal accompaniments.

23. SHOULD I GET MY DOG MICROCHIPPED?.

Only if you want to find her if she's lost or stolen.

I bring this topic up now because some dogs make their most dramatic escape attempts before they're fully settled into their new homes.

Yes, a collar with full ID tags is the first line of defense for locating a hound with Houdini tendencies, but it's far easier to ditch a collar than it is to remove an implanted chip. Tattooing, a common identification method in the past, is painful for the dog (who doesn't even get to choose a personalized design); moreover, because they're out of fashion, tattoos are easily overlooked, especially in long-haired breeds.

Not to be confused with a Global Positioning System, a microchip doesn't allow you to locate a lost dog yourself; it's activated by a scanner that's available at most shelters and veterinarian offices-the places to which canine escapees are most likely to be brought. GPSs are good supplements in some cases, but they're expensive, heavier than is comfortable for many small dogs, and only useful if your dog doesn't wiggle out of her collar or a thief doesn't remove it.

Getting a microchip implanted is as quick and easy as a vaccination, and far longer lasting; you almost never have to replace a chip during the dog's lifetime (it's extremely rare for it to migrate from the scruff, where it's placed). And these tiny devices serve not only to identify19 your pup when she's turned into the pound, but the databases with which they're affiliated store information about any medical conditions she may have. your pup when she's turned into the pound, but the databases with which they're affiliated store information about any medical conditions she may have.

Many shelters microchip dogs for free or for a nominal fee; at a vet's office, expect to pay less than $100. The only thing you need to do is register the chip online (generally, at a cost of less than $20) and update the information if you move or change your telephone number. When I couldn't read the numbers on Frankie's ID tag, I was amazed to discover that the act of calling the microchip company from my home phone allowed all his data to be retrieved.

Which leads to an objection some conspiracy theorists have: that it's a slippery slope from microchipping your dog to government-enforced human microchipping. Please. Anyone who goes online, drives past a traffic camera, or enters a convenience store has relinquished all claims to privacy. At least microchipping your dog increases the odds that you'll continue to have warm and friendly companionship in a cold, surveillance-crazy world.

Nor is there any convincing evidence that microchips cause cancer. The odds of harm coming to your dog because he's lost and can't be identified are immeasurably greater than the chance that he'll develop a tumor on the chip site.

CHAPTER 3.

HEALTH CARE 101.

24. HOW DO I FIND A GOOD VETERINARIAN?.

Time was when a dog would have a vet for life, a family pract.i.tioner for the furry. Veterinary monogamy is no longer a given. Specialization and the explosion of the industry have made pet care very compet.i.tive. So take your time, and don't worry if you don't find "the one" "the one" right away. right away.

Among the many reasons to get a dog from a shelter20 or a reputable breeder is that they've vetted many vets and have a good basis for recommendations. Ask dog-connected friends, relatives, and co-workers for referrals, too. Groomers, trainers, and pet boutique proprietors may offer leads, but beware canine cronyism ("I carry your brochure and you carry mine"). or a reputable breeder is that they've vetted many vets and have a good basis for recommendations. Ask dog-connected friends, relatives, and co-workers for referrals, too. Groomers, trainers, and pet boutique proprietors may offer leads, but beware canine cronyism ("I carry your brochure and you carry mine").

Some objective criteria to consider include affiliation with the American Animal Hospital a.s.sociation (AAHA; www.healthypet.com), which ensures that a facility offers a wide array of equipment and services. It doesn't, however, allow you to evaluate the skill-or the warmth-of each partic.i.p.ating doctor. Similarly, membership in a state veterinary a.s.sociation (click on the state resources section of the American Veterinary Medical a.s.sociation website, www.avma.org) suggests a pract.i.tioner's interest in continuing education and animal welfare issues, but not necessarily her ability to relate to patients.

In any case, you're the only one who can judge what's most important to you, including convenience, cost, and approach (for example, openness to alternative medicine). You may not even be aware of your priorities until you visit a vet a few times.

Consider these basics when choosing a practice.

APPEARANCE.