Am I Boring My Dog?

And 99 Other Things Every Dog Wishes You Knew.

by Edie Jarolim.

INTRODUCTION.

"You're writing a book about dogs?" my friend Sharon asked, sounding surprised. "I never really thought of you as a dog person." Sharon and I have known each other since we were 5, so I wasn't surprised by her surprise. I never really thought of myself as a dog person either, until I got a dog, which made me a dog person by default. Before then, I was convinced there was a dog-person demographic-one that I didn't fit.

Not that I didn't like dogs. Far from it. But I grew up in pre-hip Brooklyn, with a mother who feared all creatures great and small. The dogs I saw on TV romped around the country-side or chased b.a.l.l.s down suburban streets. They didn't board elevators in rundown apartment buildings or beg for pastrami from the corner deli. Nor did actual dogs frequent my early circles. The occasional hamster and odd budgie found their way into my friends' homes, but our childhood menageries were canine-free.

Marriage, tiny Manhattan quarters, graduate school, publishing jobs with long hours ... all, I decided, ruled out getting a dog. Even when I bought a house with a backyard in Tucson, Arizona, I remained dogless. Everyone knows that coyotes, not their domesticated kin, live in the desert.

Besides, I had become a travel writer.

I might have rationalized my prime dog-rearing years away, secretly worried that, like my mother, I lacked the canine caretaking gene. Then in 2004 I met Rebecca, fellow writer, fellow foodie-and evangelical dog rescuer.

The next thing I knew, I was palling around with terriers.

Or, to be specific, one small terrier mix: Frankie.

I didn't take Rebecca's canine bait right away, mind you. Sure, the picture she e-mailed me was cute, but Frankie was about 5 years old when he was found skittering around the streets of Tucson. I'd always pictured myself with a new model dog. And then there were my travels-not as frequent or far-flung as in the past, but still a good fallback excuse. What would happen to Frankie when I went away?

Rebecca informed me that older dogs were much mellower than puppies-and thus a better fit for a newbie like me-and that Frankie was very low maintenance. She promised to take care of him while I was gone, but pointed out that many hotels accept small dogs. The fact that I was always holed up, writing, when I was in Tucson was a real advantage, Rebecca added. She was certain I'd give Frankie a great home.

It was this last a.s.surance that finally reeled me in. If a dog rescuer thought I'd be a good dog guardian ... well, maybe I would be.

And so, after deeming my home dog-safe (Hint: neatness is not a criterion), Rebecca asked me to suggest a date to begin Frankie's two-week trial stay with me. I optimistically chose my upcoming birthday. neatness is not a criterion), Rebecca asked me to suggest a date to begin Frankie's two-week trial stay with me. I optimistically chose my upcoming birthday.

I would like to report that Frankie and I bonded immediately, that as soon as his trusting little face looked into mine I knew I'd made the right decision. I would like to, but it would be a lie. Frankie's little face wasn't trusting; it was terrified. He glued himself to my couch and went on a hunger strike. His sole demand: Rebecca's return. I spent my birthday in tears, certain I'd made the biggest mistake of my life.

But pride and obstinacy have their rewards. I prefer not to admit that I've done something stupid (unless I'm certain to be found out, in which case I confess, all cheerful selfdeprecation) or that I'm inept (ditto). I knew I was ignorant about all things canine, but I also knew that people far meaner than me managed to get dogs to like them. Surely I could win over one small, dejected pup.

I started calling friends and asking questions, reading dog books, going to training cla.s.ses, asking more questions, reading some more. Frankie pitched in, after his desire for food overcame his ardor for Rebecca. And slowly, despite Frankie's fears and mine, we built a life together-a rich, complex, and frequently goofy one.

And that dog person profile? Feh. Anyone who likes dogs can-and deserves to-be a dog person. It's just a question of getting some basics under your belt.

Which is why I decided to write a book about dogs.

The result, Am I Boring My Dog?, is geared toward those who are contemplating getting a dog, those who have just gotten a dog, and those who believe they can do better by their dog-in short, the confused and the guilty. I remain among their vast ranks. I know a great deal more about dogs than I did before I got one and before I researched this book, but I learn something new each day. Frankie, in particular, lets me know that I still have a long way to go toward understanding his species-as, he believes, do animal scientists. is geared toward those who are contemplating getting a dog, those who have just gotten a dog, and those who believe they can do better by their dog-in short, the confused and the guilty. I remain among their vast ranks. I know a great deal more about dogs than I did before I got one and before I researched this book, but I learn something new each day. Frankie, in particular, lets me know that I still have a long way to go toward understanding his species-as, he believes, do animal scientists.

I'm not pleading ignorance as a disclaimer for anything I may have missed or gotten wrong (although I'd be very pleased to be excused for both). Rather, ignorance was at once an inspiration and a qualification for this project. People who grow up with dogs often don't know what they don't know. It's like the friend from California who came to visit me in New York and couldn't stop laughing when he discovered there was a neighborhood in Queens called Flushing. I'd gone through a childhood full of potty humor-including the entire I.P. line; remember The Purple River The Purple River by I.P. Peculiar and by I.P. Peculiar and The Golden River The Golden River by I.P. Freely?-without ever noticing this fine local example. by I.P. Freely?-without ever noticing this fine local example.

Ignorance wasn't my only qualification for writing this book, however. As a travel journalist, I was charged with trying to make sense of foreign cultures-an excellent preparation for exploring Dog World. Looking back on my Complete Idiot's Travel Guide to Mexico's Beach Resorts, Complete Idiot's Travel Guide to Mexico's Beach Resorts, I've decided that Frankie is the Acapulco of dogs: charming, a bit older, but with fame that-I hope-is about to be burnished. I've decided that Frankie is the Acapulco of dogs: charming, a bit older, but with fame that-I hope-is about to be burnished.

Getting a Ph.D. in literature turned out to be surprisingly useful, too. Compared with the writings of critics like Lacan and Derrida, even the most arcane of the many books I read by dog experts seemed lucid. My graduate school years at NYU also accustomed me to taking direction from a small, hairy creature, although Frankie is far handsomer-and considerably nicer-than my dissertation advisor was.

It turned out to be the best of times and the worst of times to decide to write a book about dogs. The current interest in all things canine suggests the existence of many potential book-buyers, which is excellent. But that interest also generated a vast amount of information that needed to be sifted through, much of it incorrect. (This includes the popular notion of dogs as furry children; children are, in fact, hair-challenged dogs.) Rather than risk data overload-and risk boring you, oh gentle book buyer-I outlined the basic issues, citing additional resources for those who want to explore them in greater depth.

For the same reasons, I've concentrated on first-dog-and therefore single-dog-households. You'll read about the importance of being a leader to your dog, for example, but not about introducing your second pup to your first. I've also resisted throwing too many humans into the mix. My prime focus is on the relationship between one person and one dog, with other people pretty much serving as support staff.

Frankie was naturally enlisted to ill.u.s.trate many of the points I wanted to make. That's not to suggest any dog you get or already have will bear more than a superficial, species-based resemblance to him. You might even conclude that your dog is superior. Of course, you would be wrong.

A few words on terminology. I've used names of specific dogs (and people) whenever I knew them and wasn't writing anything that could be construed as libelous; dogs are notoriously litigious. Otherwise, I have alluded to "your dog," "pooch," "pup," and "canine" and-indiscriminately, but with the aim of equal time-used masculine and feminine personal p.r.o.nouns. I've often observed the linguistic conventions of dogdom, including words like "p.o.o.p" (which I never thought I'd hear from anyone other than parents of toddlers, much less use), but haven't always steered clear of disputed terms, such as "owner" as opposed to "guardian." Frankie is a rescue, which absolves me of any further need for political correctness.

In addition, I've sometimes made-up words-for example, dogdom-because it's my book and I can.

Finally, every advice book is expected to distill a bit of take-away wisdom. Here, then, are the top five things you need to do to maximize your dog's quality of life-and the quality of your lives together: 1. Feed your dog food (not too much).1 2. Provide plenty of exercise. 2. Provide plenty of exercise.3. Train early and often.2 4. Spay or neuter your dog. 4. Spay or neuter your dog.5. Don't support puppy mills.

Observing the first, second, and fourth rules will help maintain your dog's health; honoring the fourth and fifth will ensure you good karma; and following the second and third will go a long way toward keeping you from boring your dog. Which is only fair. Your dog may amuse you with his antics, amaze you with his wisdom, and, occasionally, fill you with fear or anguish, but he definitely won't bore you.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS.

Frankie, naturally, was my prime source of information and inspiration for this book, but many other dogs and their companion humans also contributed a great deal. The latter include Rebecca Boren, Frankie's rescuer, who remains a benevolent presence in our lives. Frankie is far less effusive toward Rebecca than he once was and than he should be, what with her saving his life and all, but-smart dog!-he doubtless wants to a.s.sure me of his undivided loyalty. He did indicate that he appreciated Rebecca's refurbishment of his favorite squeaky chile toy, albeit not directly to her.

Among the many other friends who contributed advice-almost always solicited-anecdotes, and general appreciation for dogs as well as for this project are (alphabetically): Barbara Buchanan, Lori Chamberlain, Kate Davis, Lydia Davis, Jennifer Duffy, Daniela Lax, Jean McKnight, Kathy McMahon, Elaine Raines, Kimberly Schmitz, Linda Snyder, and Karyn Zoldan. Their dogs are too numerous to thank-and, besides, prefer acknowledgment in edible form.

Although I rarely traveled during the writing of this book, it was nice to know I could depend on Linda Zubel and Sarah Meyer to take care of Frankie when I went on research trips, including attending the conference of the a.s.sociation of Pet Dog Trainers in Louisville. The APDT professionals I met couldn't have been nicer to an outsider, and I learned a great deal about the efficacy of-and scientific basis for-kindness and fun as training techniques (in conjunction with consistency and firmness).

Dr. Randy Eberhardt earns kudos for being a skilled and wonderfully empathetic veterinarian. Where I allude to vets who said mean things about Frankie or subjected him to silly treatments, I am most definitely not referring to him.

I am grateful to Betty Lidd.i.c.k, editor of Your Dog, Your Dog, the news-letter of c.u.mmings School of Veterinary Medicine at Tufts University, for encouraging my contributions and-after I paid my dues by taking on topics like shedding and inflammatory bowel disease-for giving me a.s.signments that afforded me the opportunity to interview such top dog experts as Nicholas Dodman and Ian Dunbar. the news-letter of c.u.mmings School of Veterinary Medicine at Tufts University, for encouraging my contributions and-after I paid my dues by taking on topics like shedding and inflammatory bowel disease-for giving me a.s.signments that afforded me the opportunity to interview such top dog experts as Nicholas Dodman and Ian Dunbar.

Monte Workman, dog lover and artist extraordinaire, brought my text to life with his witty ill.u.s.trations, and put up with my perfectionism.

Above all, I would like to thank Clare Macdonald, who appears frequently in these pages along with her wonder dog, Archie (formally, Archibald Macleash). Over the years, Clare's job description as my (human) best friend has often involved talking me down from feelings of unworthiness. By reading the ma.n.u.script and offering invaluable advice, she has helped make me-or at least my book-worthy.

CHAPTER 1.

SO YOU THINK YOU WANT A DOG.

1. I'M CONTEMPLATING GETTING A DOG, BUT NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE. HOW DO I KNOW IF I'LL BE GOOD AT DOG CARE?

Concern and doubt are the hallmarks of today's dog owner, so you're not alone in wondering about your qualifications for the job. In the past few decades, dogs have joined babies as the objects of our obsessive attention-of intensive, often expensive, a.n.a.lysis. Whereas we once expected our furry friends to fend for themselves, psychologically speaking, we now fret over the angle and intensity of every tail wag and the volume and timbre of every bark.

Given all that pressure, the fact that you haven't mentioned renting a dog3 is a good sign. is a good sign.

Relax. If you're responsible, ethical, reasonably solvent, and reasonably flexible, you can't fail to be a good dog guardian. You can and will make mistakes. But you will read, observe, seek advice, and learn. And you will never be mocked by your charge when you do something stupid.

In the end, you take a leap of faith. Dog is love.

2. WILL GETTING A DOG CHANGE MY LIFE DRAMATICALLY?.

Yes, and irrevocably-but in a good way. Unless you have a tiny, flinty heart, in which case you shouldn't inflict your mean self on a dog or any other living creature.

3. I READ THAT AMERICANS SPENT MORE THAN $20 BILLION ON DOGS LAST YEAR. WHAT MAKES US SO GAGA ABOUT THEM?.

Puppy love is no accident, nor does it stem from the efforts of a powerful dog lobby. Canine-human codependency has deep and ancient roots. Scientists haven't resolved precisely when and how dogs parted ways from wolves; most estimate that the process began more than 15,000 years ago. There's no question, however, that some canids discovered it was in their best interest to endear themselves to h.o.m.o sapiens h.o.m.o sapiens to get access to food and fires. Humans eventually became actively involved in the genetic selection process, breeding dogs to make them useful as well as appealing. Thus the bond between the two species developed and strengthened over time. to get access to food and fires. Humans eventually became actively involved in the genetic selection process, breeding dogs to make them useful as well as appealing. Thus the bond between the two species developed and strengthened over time.

Interspecies communication is another matter, which I'll get to in Chapter 6; suffice it to say, it's nearly as complicated as intraspecies communication between the genders. One relevant example: dogs don't need much from us beyond the basics of food, shelter, and kind attention, rewarding us with intangibles like loyalty and devotion. Humans, in contrast, tend to confer pricey, often frivolous gifts on the objects of their affection-a display of status that dogs neither recognize nor respect.

4. WHAT'S THE BEST AGE AT WHICH TO GET A DOG?

When you're older than 45 and have given up on meaningful relationships with other humans.

Oh, you mean the dog.

It depends on your circ.u.mstances and temperament. Not everyone wants the ha.s.sle of housebreaking a puppy, or dealing with her irrational exuberance. Rescuing an older, mellower dog has its rewards, not the least of them knowing that you've saved an innocent from spending her golden years in the hound hoosegaw, perhaps on death row. Contrary to the tired maxim, you can can teach old dogs new tricks. And there are no size surprises with a grownup. teach old dogs new tricks. And there are no size surprises with a grownup.

In theory, raising a puppy will allow you to control the circ.u.mstances of his upbringing. But that's only true if you go to a reputable breeder who hasn't separated mother from offspring and sibling from sibling too early-just one of the innumerable bad practices of the ma.s.s breeding operations known as puppy mills that can lead to behavior problems later on. (See question 10 for more details.) And even the best attempts at socialization at the correct age and the most a.s.siduous training can't guarantee you haven't brought home a bad seed (perhaps an overly inbred one) who will eventually manifest Cujo tendencies. Nor can you watch your pup 24/7. Control, as any shrink or Zen master will tell you, is impossible to achieve or merely an illusion.

So if I had to choose an ideal age at which to get a dog-who, in my ideal universe, would be housebroken and have no history of being mistreated-it would be about a year and a half for a small dog, two to two-and-a-half years for a larger one.4 The pup has calmed down a bit but still has plenty of pizzazz-and, in most cases, plenty of years ahead to spend with you. The pup has calmed down a bit but still has plenty of pizzazz-and, in most cases, plenty of years ahead to spend with you.

5. HOW DO I KNOW IF MY CHILD IS READY FOR A DOG?.

If he or she is old enough to ask, that's a start-"ask" being the operative word. Never get a dog for a child who hasn't requested one just because you think he is lonely or needs to learn responsibility. That would be the equivalent of using real babies rather than dolls or eggs in one of those teen anti-pregnancy programs that involves taking care of an infant for a week. Robotic dogs are now widely available, should such a lesson be your goal.

Then, take into account the circ.u.mstances that sparked the request. Wait at least three months after your child viewed the last dog movie, including animated ones (101 Dalmatians in any version is particularly dangerous). After that, you can consider it. in any version is particularly dangerous). After that, you can consider it.

In the meantime, try not to be swayed by the intense desire to stop the cajoling and whining that tend to accompany all pet requests.5 Inform your offspring that dogs are very sensitive to high-pitched sounds like whining, and that you couldn't possibly bring one into such an inhospitable environment. Inform your offspring that dogs are very sensitive to high-pitched sounds like whining, and that you couldn't possibly bring one into such an inhospitable environment.

Finally, ask yourself: Are you or anyone else in the family willing to take primary responsibility for the dog if your kid loses interest? If the answer is no, don't get a dog. It would not only be horribly unfair to the neglected pup, but also to the child, who'll come to a.s.sociate dogs with nagging and yelling and, as a result, never want to have anything to do with the species later in life.

If you decide your household is truly dog-ready, involve your child in the adoption process, thereby ensuring a match of temperaments and creating an emotional bond. But avoid bringing a dog home during the holidays, a sure recipe for disaster. The excitement of the season leads to overstimulation and bad behavior. The dog often gets really wound up, too.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't let your child a.s.sociate getting a dog with the holidays, which is one way to ensure better memories of the season than most of us have. Either go together to get the dog in advance, stressing that this is a holiday gift, or give the child an IOU-perhaps tied to a stuffed animal-promising an excursion to get a pup in the new year. If your kid can't deal with the concept of advance or deferred gratification-or does really creepy things to the stuffed animal-then she isn't ready for a dog.

Whatever you do, avoid family trips to stores that sell puppies. 6 6 It's tough enough for a grownup to remember the greater good of shutting down puppy mills (see question 10) when faced with the pathos of a small, squirmy cutie in a cage. Don't expect your child to be able to grasp this difficult concept-or forgive you for dragging him away from that wagging tail. It's tough enough for a grownup to remember the greater good of shutting down puppy mills (see question 10) when faced with the pathos of a small, squirmy cutie in a cage. Don't expect your child to be able to grasp this difficult concept-or forgive you for dragging him away from that wagging tail.

6. SHOULD I GET A MIXED BREED OR A PUREBRED?.

In the past, status in canine circles derived primarily from having a dog that conformed to the standards of a particular breed as defined by the American Kennel Club or United Kennel Club. Pejoratives like "mongrel" or "cur," which suggest a link between character and blood purity, were applied to dogs of unknown or mixed origin.

These days, because mixed breeds tend to be rescues more often than not, owning a mutt-even the term has acquired shabby chic cachet-confers a different type of status, that of moral superiority. So if you're disposed toward oneupmanship, you're no longer restricted to the breed-related variety-which clears the slate for criteria other than sn.o.bbery to be factored into your decision.

PUREBRED PROS.

Predictability. If you're familiar with the dog's lineage, you have a pretty good idea what to expect with regard to size, temperament, and so on.You can aspire to appear on national TV in the Westminster Dog Show.You have a ready answer to the oft-posed question, "What kind of dog is that?"

PUREBRED CONS.

There's a reason that many states have laws against marriage between first cousins. Unfortunately, no similar statutes exist to muzzle doggie inbreeding. In particular, breeding for looks rather than temperament or athletic prowess has resulted in dogs that are predisposed to a variety of illnesses and afflictions, including, as a friend said about a breed that shall remain nameless, "heads so narrow that they have no room for brains."You might be mocked in a film such as Best in Show. Best in Show.

MIXED-BREED PROS.

When people ask you what type of dog you have, you get to say stuff like "Heinz 57," "Pure speculation," or "Canardly." This last one is particularly entertaining if the questioner nods sagely and claims to have heard of a canardly instead of looking puzzled and waiting for the punch line, "I can hardly tell."Fewer breed-related health problems.The fun of blaming any undesirable traits on breeds you don't like, and claiming a lineage from breeds that you do. Caveat: To avoid seeming arbitrary or vindictive, you have to be reasonable about said blame and claim, staying within the realm of possibility as regards to size, color, and other physical attributes.

MIXED-BREED CONS.

Unpredictable health problems.Unpredictable size if you get the dog as a puppy. That adorable little Yorkie mix might turn out to have some German Shepherd in him. (And no, it's not impossible for two very divergent-size dogs to hook up. You'd be amazed what b.i.t.c.hes in heat and the males who love them can do.) 7. GIVEN THE MORAL SUPERIORITY THAT RESCUING A DOG CONFERS, AM I A BAD PERSON FOR WANTING A PUREBRED?.

No. Wanting a particular breed and wanting to rescue a dog are by no means mutually exclusive. According to the Humane Society of the United States, one of every four dogs in shelters is purebred. And the fact that they've been given up doesn't mean these pups are losers. Most dogs end up homeless because of circ.u.mstances that have little to do with them-including the sudden homelessness of their owners.

The website of the American Kennel Club lists rescue organizations for more than 150 breeds, some that you might never have heard of, like the Spinone Italiano (perhaps a cousin of the Gelato Hound); see www.akc.org/breeds/rescue.cfm. There are even rescue groups devoted to designer hybrids such as Puggles and Labradoodles. Ask your local shelter if they know of rescuers in your area that specialize in the breed you're seeking, and also check sites such as www.Pets911. com, www.Petfinder.org, 1-800-Save-A-Pet.com, and craigslist.com.

You're not a bad person either if you get a purebred from a breeder, as long as the breeder is reputable (see question 10).

If, however, you want a breed that matches your sofa and are likely to give the dog away after you redecorate your living room, then you are are a bad person. a bad person.

8. HOW MUCH CAN I EXPECT A PUREBRED TO COST?.

Whatever the market will bear. You'll pay the most for dogs at the opposite ends of the popularity spectrum: the most sought-after and the rarest.

At a minimum, a "pet-quality" purebred-one that deviates from breed standards to the degree that it isn't considered dog show material-will run you $800, while "show-quality" pups start at about $1,500.

But that's the bottom line, and when dogs become trendy, expect to pay double the aforementioned prices-or more. Unscrupulous breeders bank on that, literally, rushing to supply dogs whenever the demand for them grows.

Of course, if you rescue a dog in the first place, you'll never pay more than the spay/neuter and veterinarian fees (see question 13).

9. HOW DO I FIND THE RIGHT BREED FOR ME/MY FAMILY?.

Even if you're not the type to be swayed into getting a diminutive Mexican dog because you saw Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, or a Bull Terrier because Budweiser's Spuds Mackenzie reminds you of your favorite uncle, emotion is bound to play a role in your breed choice nevertheless. or a Bull Terrier because Budweiser's Spuds Mackenzie reminds you of your favorite uncle, emotion is bound to play a role in your breed choice nevertheless.

So step away from the computer, stop ogling pictures on Petfinder.com, and quit reading surveys on the best dog to get to attract members of the opposite s.e.x or to promote a desired self-image. Instead, do some research into what your day-to-day life with an actual dog is likely to involve. The American Kennel Club's Complete Dog Book Complete Dog Book is a good place to start, but it doesn't cover all the negatives of health and temperament. Other books, including is a good place to start, but it doesn't cover all the negatives of health and temperament. Other books, including The Perfect Match The Perfect Match by Chris Walcowicz and by Chris Walcowicz and Paws to Consider Paws to Consider by Brian Kilcommons and Sarah Wilson, are more honest about the downsides of various breeds. by Brian Kilcommons and Sarah Wilson, are more honest about the downsides of various breeds.

As soon as you come up with some possibilities, look into whether there's a reputable breeder or breed rescue group near you. You might not get pedigreed puppies through a rescue group, but the advantage of going through one, even aside from the good karma, is that such groups are deeply invested in wanting to minimize returns and euthanizations. As a result, they'll evaluate you and your family situation carefully to determine whether a particular dog would be a good fit.