Jack finally got served, and he carried their drinks over to a table that was sticky with spilt pints.

Ianto sipped his wine and grimaced. 'This is vile.' He ticked a box on the clipboard.

'I did warn you to stick to spirits,' said Jack. 'The worst they can do is water them down.' He sighed again, looking round the room. 'Could you not have left it a little fabulous?'

Ianto shook his head. 'Sorry. No. Look, it was a fairly major operation getting the machine to untangle all those body parts and make everyone normal. Even so, there's some poor kid in Barry who's missing a finger.'

Jack shrugged. 'Not our worst day. Memories?'

Ianto nodded happily. 'Completely wiped. Never had less trouble getting people to take Retcon. I just told them all it was E.'

'You are going to h.e.l.l, Ianto Jones.'

'Yes, Jack. But I'll still make a very pretty corpse.'

'That you will. Although there's some stubble showing.'

Ianto nodded, beaming. 'Oh yes. Last night as a woman according to the machine. Yay.'

They clinked their gla.s.ses.

'Gwen's already arranged to pop round tomorrow and steal all my clothes.'

'Good old Gwen.'

'So what about them?' Ianto gestured to a couple sitting quietly in a corner.

They were old, almost impossibly so, shrivelled in their clothes, which hung raggedly off them, far too young and fashionable for them. Each was clutching a gla.s.s of water and looking at nothing in particular. One had the wispy remains of fine blond hair. The other sported a random thatch of dark hair. You could somehow tell they'd once been devastatingly attractive.

Jack raised his gla.s.s to them, and they looked away.

'Sad,' he sighed. 'Not everyone gets a happy ending.'

'So is that it for the Perfection?'

'Pretty much. Completely disconnected from whatever powers they had, pumped full of Retcon. Seemed the kindest thing, really. I mean, would you want to remember? So they're now just mutton dressed as chicken.'

Ianto sighed quietly. 'They were G.o.ds once. They shaped worlds, ruled empires... and now they're just growing old, trapped in Cardiff.'

'As I said,' said Jack, sipping his drink, 'not everyone gets a happy ending.'

They left the club when the Karaoke started. As they headed for the door, a drag queen tottered onto the stage and began a Cher medley. A lesbian couple joined in, brokenly. And a strange little man in a cap shuffled onto the dance floor and, entirely for his own happiness, began to do the Running Man dance.

'All's right with the world,' sighed Jack as he sailed through the door.

Jack and Ianto stood on Charles Street, watching the evening go by.

A hen party staggered past, their progress impeded by the number of limbs that were in plaster. A voice screamed, 'Come on, Kerry, you dozy tart. Zambuca's not going to be 2 for 1 forever you know...'

Ianto watched them go, smiling broadly. 'Come on,' he said. 'Let's go down the Bay. I've got a promise to keep.'

And so they walked, in silence, until they came to a bridge overlooking a large amount of sea.

Ianto handed a small, glowing bag to Jack. 'Can you do this?' he asked. 'I'm not sure I trust myself. If I touch it again, I might ask it to do something.'

'And you're sure this is what it wants?' asked Jack.

'Yes. Just some peace. It's bored too, I think.'

'OK then,' said Jack. And he reached into the bag and pulled out the machine, which glowed happily in his hand. For an instant, it seemed like Jack was listening to a voice.

'Is it offering you anything?' asked Ianto, anxiously.

'Nope,' said Jack. 'Already perfect.' And he tossed it casually into the Bay.

It skimmed expertly across the waves, and then quietly vanished from sight.

'Bon voyage,' said Jack.

And the two of them stood there for a while, just watching the water.

'So,' said Ianto finally, turning to Jack.

'Yup,' said Jack.

Ianto leaned in, quietly. 'I'm only a woman for one more night, you know.'

Jack grinned broadly. 'Then let's make the most of it...'

EPILOGUE: WHAT THE.

STRANGE ALIEN DEVICE.

ACTUALLY SAID TO CAPTAIN.

JACK.

Awwww, h.e.l.lo! This is brilliant.

'I should have guessed it would be you.'

Well, it is. Get used to it. I have. Anything you want to ask me?

'Can you change that voice?'

Well, I could, but nah. Not for you, Jack-Jack-Jacko.

'He never called me that.'

Not to your face. Now. Anything?

'Well, why? You were supposed to help people.'

Well, I tried. I guess I'm a meddler. I can't help interfering, me. Making lives better. It's what I do.

'A lot of people died.'

Don't they always when we're around? You and me, eh? It's like old times.

'It wasn't worth the price.'

Isn't that what we always say to other people? We never say it to ourselves, do we?

'Now you're just messing with my head. I am p.i.s.sed off, I am tired, and bits of me ache.'

Yeah, well, surprised they've not dropped off.

'You messed it up. As you always do.'

Now we're getting to the truth. You've still not forgiven me, have you?

'Probably never will. Probably doesn't matter. I do love you.'

I'm sure you do. So...

'Yes. What are we going to do with you?'

Dunno. You're the boss.

'What do you want?'

'I said, what do you want?'

You know, you are remarkable, Jack. No one has ever asked me what I wanted. Not in thousands of years. And it's you. I'll tell you I've made everyone's lives I've touched amazing. And I've never experienced ANY of it myself. I can't get a good night's sleep in a nice bed, eat a meal, lose weight, fall in love or get drunk. I have nothing. I just am. And I am bored and tired.

'I know the feeling.'

See? We do have some common ground. Isn't that something?

'And?'

I would like a rest.

'So would I, some day.'

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS.

The Perfection would like to thank Steve and Gary for the grand plan. They would also like to thank Lee, Kate and Joe for advice, and Helen and Gillane for the castle. Finally, they would like to thank Brendan and Jon for the obvious.

Also available from BBC Books TORCHWOOD.

TRACE MEMORY.

David Llewellyn ISBN 978 1 84607 438 7.

UK 6.99 US$11.99/$14.99 CDN.

Tiger Bay, Cardiff, 1953. A mysterious crate is brought into the docks on a Scandinavian cargo ship. Its destination: the Torchwood Inst.i.tute. As the crate is offloaded by a group of local dockers, it explodes, killing all but one of them, a young Butetown lad called Michael Bellini.

Fifty-five years later, a radioactive source somewhere inside the Hub leads Torchwood to discover the same Michael Bellini, still young and dressed in his 1950s clothes, cowering in the vaults. They soon realise that each has encountered Michael before as a child in Osaka, as a junior doctor, as a young police constable, as a new recruit to Torchwood One. But it's Jack who remembers him best of all.

Michael's involuntary time-travelling has something to do with a radiation-charged relic held inside the crate. And the Men in Bowler Hats are coming to get it back.

Featuring Captain Jack Harkness as played by John Barrowman, with Gwen Cooper, Owen Harper, Toshiko Sato and Ianto Jones as played by Eve Myles, Burn Gorman, Naoki Mori and Gareth David-Lloyd, in the hit series created by Russell T Davies for BBC Television.

Also available from BBC Books TORCHWOOD.

THE TWILIGHT STREETS.

Gary Russell ISBN 978 1 846 07439 4.

UK 6.99 US$11.99/$14.99 CDN.

There's a part of the city that no one much goes to, a collection of rundown old houses and gloomy streets. No one stays there long, and no one can explain why something's not quite right there.

Now the Council is renovating the district, and a new company is overseeing the work. There will be street parties and events to show off the newly gentrified neighbourhood: clowns and face-painters for the kids, magicians for the adults the street entertainers of Cardiff, out in force.

None of this is Torchwood's problem. Until Toshiko recognises the sponsor of the street parties: Bilis Manger.

Now there is something for Torchwood to investigate. But Captain Jack Harkness has never been able to get into the area; it makes him physically ill to go near it. Without Jack's help, Torchwood must face the darker side of urban Cardiff alone...

Featuring Captain Jack Harkness as played by John Barrowman, with Gwen Cooper, Owen Harper, Toshiko Sato and Ianto Jones as played by Eve Myles, Burn Gorman, Naoki Mori and Gareth David-Lloyd, in the hit series created by Russell T Davies for BBC Television.