But Ianto all the people I've helped. I helped so many on that boat.

'But so many people died. And look at me.'

I can fix you. And Jack. I can fix him too.

'NO!'

You love him. He doesn't love you. You saw him in there. But I can change all that, Ianto Jones.

'How can I trust you? Those creatures in there. They relied on you, and you-'

That's different. They were boring.

'What?'

I got bored. I always did. A few thousand years of perfection, and I'd make them move on. You know how it is. You cure war, famine, plague and pestilence and then... you know... it's the small stuff. I'm better off moving on. Like that Littlest Hobo doggy. Who doesn't love a dog?

'Again, what?'

I got bored. I made them come here. I thought it'd be a change. And I just wanted to move among you. When Ross and Christine stole me, I went willingly. And the Rift's made me so powerful. It's been brilliant. Mending lives you people are so broken. I've lived on worlds where people had far less, led simpler lives and were so much happier. But look at you you've got warm, dry homes, food, shops with Lego. And you're all miserable. I don't want to go back.

'I'm not sure you've got a choice,' said Ianto.

The machine sighed.

'Can you do what I want you to?'

Yes. There was a petulant note.

'It's asking a lot.'

Trust me, it'll be pretty spectacular. It'll be like the Bonfire Night and New Year's Eve all rolled into one.

'I love a show, me.'

Ianto climbed back inside, and strode down that horrifying corridor to the door. He could sense the entire house breathing around him.

It's not too late, you know. Would Jack do this? Ask yourself that.

'I don't care about that.' He shook his head. 'I am Ianto Jones and this is how I roll.'

He straightened his skirt, reached for his gun and kicked open the door.

IANTO IS CIVILISATION.

END OF.

'Oh come off it,' snapped Brendan, clearly unimpressed by the gun. 'You barge back in here in your little black dress and expect us to be amazed.'

'Yes,' said Ianto.

'Do you know what we can do?' sneered Jon, stretching out an arm.

Ianto suddenly smelt burning hair and shuddered.

'Yes,' he said. 'And I don't care. I would like you to stop all this. And I would like Jack back.'

An outraged shriek.

'Oh, and Gwen too, please.'

Brendan laughed. 'We're too late for this. Jon, honey, we're getting old when we're being menaced by a little girl with a gun. Just give us the machine, dear.'

'We can do this the easy way, or the hard way,' said Ianto, quietly.

'Given the look of you, easy.'

'Seriously. Last chance. Dismantle this room.'

Jon shook his head, almost sadly. 'We can't. It's the machine it's taking so much power. We have to feed it.'

'And that's always been the problem, hasn't it?' said Ianto. 'All those years, all those believers it's all just fuel for that machine. You've become enslaved by it.'

'Yes,' said Brendan quietly. 'I suppose we have.'

Jack started to laugh. 'You told me you were G.o.ds. Well, now we know what G.o.ds worship.'

'Yes,' snapped Jon. 'Perfection. And we had it when we had the device. Now look at it we simply did this to try and make everything right. We were acting in the best interests.'

'Even G.o.ds lie to themselves,' said Jack sourly.

Ianto spoke quietly. 'I've talked to the machine.'

Brendan marched towards him.

'You've got it? You've got it on you? You silly b.i.t.c.h. You're not leaving the room with it.' He raised a glowing hand to strike Ianto.

Ianto fired and Brendan fell back, whimpering.

Ianto turned to Jon. 'I'm sorry. Would you also like to come and have a go? Are you feeling lucky? I am. I have your G.o.d on my side.'

He held up the device in its shiny plastic bag.

'Don't!' shouted out both Jack and Brendan.

'Ianto!' continued Jack. 'Don't touch it it knows you're shutting down its power source. It will do anything it can to make you obey it. I don't care what it's offered you it's lying, trying to get its way.'

'He's right!' barked Jon. 'It's the Lord of Lies. Why didn't we see it?'

'Because you were too busy looking in the mirror,' snapped Jack.

'Please,' said Brendan. 'Give us back the machine. Let us reset it. We can put everything right.'

Ianto shook his head. 'Nope, sorry. Made a deal. It told me how much power it needed. And that it had to come from somewhere. And I'm looking at you.'

Brendan went to stand by Jon's side. 'You are kidding me.'

'It giveth, and now, it tells me, it's ready to taketh away.'

'Wait!' snapped Brendan.

'Sorry,' said Ianto, and pushed the b.u.t.ton.

And the world went white and changed a little.

EMMA WEBSTER IS STARTING.

AFRESH.

'Would you like something to drink?'

Emma snapped to and flashed the waiter an apologetic look. She'd been daydreaming again, or something. The last few days were a bit of a blur. Like she'd just been asleep or taken something. Or something. She couldn't quite...

'Sparkling water, please.'

There. The waiter was gone. She had a couple more minutes to... it was like a memory that itched and itched and itched, but she just couldn't find it to scratch it. Wonder what it is. Wonder. She traced her hands over the tablecloth, watching the pattern.

Oddly, she couldn't even remember how she'd got to the restaurant, or why she was here. Maybe she'd just been born, just now, right here, and this was it. The first day of the rest of her life.

Only, she could clearly remember something really funny happening at work. She could remember Kate coming in, looking all fat, with her breast implants leaking during the management meeting. She'd cried and Emma had handed her a tissue. That had been funny. But she couldn't remember anything else about work. Perhaps she should get a different job. Yeah. Something fun.

Talking of fun, she was in a restaurant, she must be hungry. Mind you, better watch the figure. Only, actually, looking pretty d.a.m.n good, Miss Webster. I think starter and a pudding. She looked at the menu. Good, she appeared to be in a fish restaurant. She ran her fingers down the starters and lingered over the squid. Something tickled her leg. She looked down, and there was a cat, making its slow way round the tables, greeting the diners. She stroked it, and it nuzzled her back, giving her a look. She laughed and, as she laughed, she caught sight of the man standing by her table. Woah. Epic boy totty.

'Hi, is it Emma?' he said.

She stood up without falling over and said, 'Yes'.

But she wasn't quite sure in what order. Hum. He had a really great face. You know, the kind of face that, if it didn't belong to someone actually famous in Heat Heat, definitely belonged to their boyfriend. It was a face that said confident, fun, shopping in New York, s...o...b..arding and beach huts. He also looked pretty good in a suit. Really, just standing there staring now. Say something.

'And you are?' That was lame.

He gave her a bit of an embarra.s.sed grin. 'I'm Patrick. Patrick Matthews.' Suddenly he scratched the back of his head and frowned. 'Sorry, like you care, too much detail. Just Patrick.' He deepened the frown. 'Never Pat.'

'Never,' she vowed. 'And?'

He looked a bit blank. 'I'm, uh, well... My friend Ianto, she set this up. I'm your blind date.'

'You are?' What? 'I mean, you are?'

He looked around, sheepish and slightly angry. 'Er, yeah. Complex story. Why, is something wrong?'

Emma giggled and suddenly felt really, really good. 'No, absolutely nothing. Sit down, and let's order a bottle of wine.'

He relaxed and suddenly looked even prettier. 'This is nice. Really nice.'

'Yes, yes it is.' Emma got distracted by the menu again. And a sudden thought. Who the h.e.l.l is Ianto? And since when was that a girl's name?

He peeped over her menu, grinning at her. 'Red or white? Or shall we just get a bottle of pink fizz?'

'Oh,' she said, truly happy. 'That'll be perfect.'

At a table in the corner, Gwen relaxed and turned to Rhys. 'I think they'll be fine,' she said. 'You remember the drill?'

Rhys nodded solemnly. 'At the first sign of him turning into a skeleton, I'm to let you know.'

Gwen smiled approvingly. 'Good boy. Now what happened to my bread roll?'

Rhys brushed some crumbs off his jacket and shrugged. 'I thought you were leaving it. Sorry.'

Gwen decided she didn't actually care. It was a nice, warm night, and it looked like she was going to get through an entire meal out with Rhys without explosions, deaths or Weevils. She even risked slipping off her heels and letting her feet breathe. 'You know what?' she said. 'This place isn't actually that bad.'

'No,' agreed Rhys, polishing off the last of her roll.

And across town, Tombola's was as empty as usual. Until, suddenly, twelve customers materialised out of thin air. And they were all as mad as h.e.l.l.

MADONNA IS A GAY ICON.

FOR BEGINNERS.

Jack looked round the nightclub, a little sadly.

For a Sat.u.r.day night, it was early, but still rather quiet. The bar staff sulked in a corner, polishing some gla.s.ses, texting, and generally ignoring him.

He turned to Ianto. 'It's a bit sad, in a way, you know.'

Ianto nodded gently. He had been working through a clipboard, ticking things off happily. He was now watching a Welsh digital channel on the flat-screen. 'It's true what they say, you know. You can never have enough about hill farming.'