I was tempted only because she offered something easy and uncomplicated by anything but l.u.s.t. I didn't feel l.u.s.tful, though. At least not toward Celine. But if I refused, would Celine think I was, in fact, a one-night stand only? We'd hardly talked, and d.a.m.n, I had admired the woman for years. I'd forgotten she was Celine Griffin, in fact.

I went for honesty. "Well, yes to dinner, I'd like that. I don't know about dancing, though. This is my longest workday of the week."

"Don't you get days off?"

"Half-days Wednesday afternoons and Friday mornings."

"Wow. Okay, I understand. We'll see about dancing, then." She stepped closer and I could smell her appealing cologne. Sat.u.r.day night had been really wonderful. "If you've strength for things other than dancing, I can forgo the disco, believe me." I guess some of my surprise must have shown, because she quickly added, "Did you really think I wouldn't want to see you again if I could?"

I shrugged. "Last night, I didn't get that idea. I wasn't hurt or anything-"

"I thought you'd come back from the bar and we'd polish the parquet."

"Oh." I smiled a little. "I didn't understand."

She affected outrage. "Did you really think I couldn't handle a p.i.s.sy D.J. on my own? I was trying to figure how to lure you there."

I laughed outright. "Okay, I missed it. I was preoccupied, maybe."

"With me, I hope." Her hands were on my hips and all the chemistry that had worked between us before became very p.r.o.nounced. I was single, wasn't I? Couldn't I follow the wise advice of pagans: an' it hurts no one, do as ye will?

I don't know what I would have done one way or the other, but Tess walked past us then. Her glance at me held no amus.e.m.e.nt. It was almost disdain. It wasn't like Tess at all.

Stung, I called, "Hey, Tess?" She turned for a moment. "If you take my Body Pump this afternoon, I'll take yours in the morning."

Her gaze slid from me to Celine to Celine's hands on my hips, then rose slightly to my obviously hard nipples. I could have told her it was my wet sport bra causing that, but it was no longer entirely true. "Sure," she said, not meeting my gaze again. "I've got a hot date and this way we can sleep in."

Tess hurried off and Celine pulled me closer. "Do I understand that you are free until three now? That's about ninety minutes."

I nodded and we stared at each other. Tess had a date, I told myself. I flashed on the vision of her unb.u.t.toned blouse.

Celine whispered in my ear, "How would you feel about a naughty, needy, raunchy afternoon f.u.c.k?"

We hit the wall just inside my door and I didn't even have time to be glad I'd cleaned up a little. Celine was pulling off my shirt and bra and I had my hand down her shorts while she did it. My response to her was complicated, I knew that. Not just physical-she was hot and wet and wanted me-but also because I trusted her to be Celine. I trusted her to f.u.c.k me and let me f.u.c.k her, and to leave on Sat.u.r.day so that I could go on with my life. As much as I wanted Tess at that moment, Tess wasn't safe for my heart or my sanity. I knew the rules with Celine.

One of the rules was to like it, and I did like it. I liked it a lot. Her teeth were raising my nipples to even harder points and I was cupping her a.s.s as we writhed against the wall. Sometimes her back was to it, and sometimes mine was. In one of those times when she was the one with spread thighs, panting against me and thrusting against my hand, her legs threatened to give out.

"Can we get to the bed?" She had one hand on her forehead, as if she was dizzy.

"Sure," I murmured.

She pulled me down on top of her and I remembered how she liked it. I was inside her, no teasing, no holding back. Hard and fast, four fingers deep. She arched up with a sustained groan and I was lost in the dance of her smooth, dark thighs across my crumpled white sheets.

So female. I love women.

So beautiful. I love curves and soft and muscles and c.u.n.ts, wet, hot c.u.n.ts that ripple in response to being touched.

It felt good inside her and when we finally came to a rest, her arms around my waist while we laughed breathlessly, I felt like maybe I had gotten beyond the "must have Tess to feel good" frame of mind. What did I care if less was with some woman this week? On Sat.u.r.day Bleachie and Celine would leave and Tess and I would be back to where we'd been.

Celine, looking s.e.xier by the minute, flipped me, but it wasn't like I resisted. Her fingers began a delicious exploration of my body and I spread myself out, luxuriating in the feel of her touch. I was with Celine Griffin, famous lesbian and, in my book, s.e.x G.o.ddess.

"Oh, that does feel fine, doesn't it?" She was moving on top of me, nudging my legs farther and farther apart. I wanted her fingers as far inside me as they would go.

The phone rang.

Celine froze and I found myself holding my breath. Two long rings, then a third, all indicating it was a call from outside the resort. My antiquated answering machine whirred into action.

"I never get calls," I said. Her fingers were right at my opening, but the pa.s.sion of the moment was teetering.

It was completely lost when I heard my mother's voice.

I sat bolt upright, nearly knocking Celine to the floor. "Holy s.h.i.t!"

Distorted by the speaker, my mother's voice was reedy and weak. "I know we haven't spoken in so long, dear-"

I retorted to the machine, "Yeah, how about because you told me I was a pervert!"

"-in times of emergency, family has to forgive and come together. Your father would have wanted you here. It's hard to believe he's gone. It was very sudden... he'd given up smoking and started exercising... but... too little..."

Reeling, I clambered out of bed and stumbled toward the phone. "I'm here," I said. What else was there to say?

"Oh, I'm glad, Brandy. I wasn't sure this number would still reach you. It was a stroke, dear. The funeral is Wednesday afternoon. Will you come home?"

"When did it happen?" She sounded so frail, but it wasn't the first time that weak little Mom had used it for guilt. Maybe she'd changed. I'd heard that people did sometimes change.

"Sat.u.r.day. I've just. . . been in shock. Your brother is managing the details. I don't know what I'd do without him."

That was Roger, dutiful and appreciated. A ticket would cost a fortune but what else was there to say but, "I'll be there. I don't know when, but I will be there."

My mother's voice firmed up a lot and she said, more like the mother I remembered, "I'm glad, dear. You do have something black? If you need a hat for church, don't worry, I have plenty. Come by the house first and we'll go to the church in Uncle Bert's Town Car."

I counted to five, then said, "I'll be there. I have to go make arrangements."

"Very well." Now very much the mother I remembered, she hung up without the wasted time of a good-bye.

Celine had quietly come up behind me, and her arms were strong and comforting. "I'm so sorry," she said softly.

"He was a b.a.s.t.a.r.d," I answered flatly. "I let him down the day I was born without a p.e.n.i.s, and things only got worse when he decided he'd teach me, over and over, that I wasn't a boy. They had a boy the second time, though. Lucky, huh?"

"Do you have to go?"

Not going hadn't occurred to me. "Yes. I mean, even though Mom called and asked me to go, she really doesn't want me there. If it weren't for the circ.u.mstances the uptight, freaked-out church ladies would rather I wasn't there either. Maybe that's why I have to go."

Celine nodded as if that made sense, though I wasn't sure it did. "Do you want me to leave? You must have things to do now."

"No-it's okay. I mean, I don't feel like..."

She turned me to face her. "Of course not." She gave me an intent look. "I gather you were estranged."

"Yeah. I came out to them and it was good-bye to me forever. I haven't spoken to them for two years."

"That must have been rough."

I shrugged. "Like everybody else, I got a job and figured out how to take care of myself."

"Are you okay?"

I shrugged again. "I'm angry, I guess." I was, too, so angry I felt numb. I'd talked to Tess about my parents and brother and suddenly I wanted her, propped up on the sofa, a brownie in one hand while the other played in her hair as she talked. She knew all the gory details. She wouldn't have to ask questions. She knew... me.

"I guess I do need to go. I need to ask for leave and use a computer in the office to book a ticket. Shower first, I guess."

Celine nodded. "A good plan. Let me just find all my clothes. I know one sock is under the bed. Your room is just like mine. I hadn't realized."

"Yeah, instead of a second bed we have that kitchenette kind of thing."

"You can pop your own popcorn while you watch a movie at least."

My laugh was unamused. "Yeah, with all the free time."

"Oh, right. I forgot. Your hours are ridiculous."

I felt as if our conversation was being conducted at die end of a long hallway. "It's a living."

She was mostly dressed by the time I had gathered a small pile of items I was worriedly thinking I would need to pack. I was pulling my only suitcase, which doubled as an overflow laundry basket, out of the rear of the closet while she tied her shoelaces. "Listen, Brandy, I realize you might have to leave abruptly, so if I don't see you... I'm sorry we didn't get to finish what we started."

I tried for a smile. "At some point I think I'm going to be sorry too."

"Maybe someday we'll get to finish things up. I like being with you. It's been ..."

"Uncomplicated?" She nodded slowly, and I added, "We both like what we like."

"And we didn't have to negotiate the harness and discuss if I was being het-centric. Or if my getting off by holding you down was deep-seated violent tendencies toward women."

I found myself grinning, though it felt like someone else's body. "I bet that gets old."

"Ruins the mood, too. Look... in case I don't see you again." She pulled me close and kissed me gently, almost maternally, on the forehead. "Here's some advice from an old broad. Dance through life any way you want, and don't worry about people who can't hear the music."

"Thank you." I didn't tell her I recognized the sentiment from her stand-up special three or four years ago. I appreciated that the advice had been well-intentioned. "I'm still not sure I want to grow up."

"Oh, you have, you're just queen of the party barge."

I closed the door after she left, shaking my head. I was not living in the land of denial. I was free of the crushing weight of material possessions like china sets and Town Cars. I didn't have to spend Sundays, afternoons and evenings all week discussing G.o.d and Country. I spent most of my day doing work that I enjoyed. I had no mortgage to meet and no concerns about where my next meal was coming from. Two years ago it had seemed like a perfect choice.

Reality was intruding. I was starting to think maybe I had a heart that could be caught by one woman and that thought had never crossed my mind before. I also had a credit card that would be just about maxed out with the price of an air ticket. A savings account with more than a few dollars would have been a big help.

Was this how growing up began? Life asked a little more from you than you could easily manage so you changed? Had I been on a surfboard all this time, working my way out from sh.o.r.e, and now I had to turn around and ride the waves-all the highs, and all the lows-back in?

What would be waiting for me on the sh.o.r.e when I got in? What did I want there? If life was a marathon, how would I recognize the milestones?

I dashed away an angry tear as I made the bed, then got in the shower. d.a.m.n my father and his p.i.s.sant fire-and-brimstone preachings. He'd said I slept with other girls to make G.o.d angry, to get G.o.d's attention, and since in our house he was G.o.d, well, that meant I was sleeping with other girls to get his attention. That was my father in a nutsh.e.l.l. Even my sleeping with girls was somehow about him.

I wanted Tess. I really needed her. She'd know what to say. She'd tell me I was okay to feel mad and hurt that I never got to tell the old b.a.s.t.a.r.d to go to h.e.l.l before he actually went there. I got soapsuds in my mouth laughing at the thought of him arriving in his worst nightmare h.e.l.l, filled with gruesome specters of all that he hated: feminists, drag queens and dark-skinned people who didn't "talk American." I hoped that's where he was. As far as I was concerned, it was where he deserved to be.

Randall was actually decent to me. First time ever he didn't do or say something to make me either mad or resentful. "The policy is three days' paid leave for bereavement, but if you need a few more than that to help your mother, then I could easily cover you for five or six days. I'm really sorry about your loss, Brandy."

I knew he could tell I'd been crying, and d.a.m.n it, I had to keep swallowing to be able to speak. I was so angry I couldn't see. "Thank you. I appreciate knowing that."

"You go book a flight and I'll let people know you'll be taking off."

He followed me as I left his office and said something to Rosa, die reception manager. Rosa enveloped me in a gardenia hug and said she had booked flights on the Internet before and would happily give me a hand.

I screwed with it for an hour, trying to find a flight combination that would fit on my credit card. I was cursing my father under my breath as I narrowed the search down to an itinerary that went from Tampa to Dallas, where I waited for nearly four hours, then on to Baltimore. That journey cost two hundred dollars less than Tampa to Atlanta to Baltimore. Even so, my credit card couldn't handle the nearly eight-hundred-dollar charge.

I glanced at the clock. I supposed there was enough time to get to my bank, withdraw my meager savings and pay down my credit card balance enough, but I was willing to bet that wouldn't take effect until tomorrow, when the ticket would probably cost even more.

d.a.m.n it, I thought. If my mother had called me yesterday I could have rented a car and been halfway there, comfortably. The only way I'd get there in time now would be a long haul, and I'd have to arrange for a car and leave tonight. It would be much cheaper, and I wouldn't have to commit to a return date. Those extra days off Randall had just offered me meant I wouldn't have to hurry to get back. A car would be far more convenient. Besides, I was willing to bet no one would pick me up at the airport so I'd have to pay for shuttles and have no control over where I went and when.

My mind made up, I clicked back to the start page and selected car rentals. Anything that got decent mileage and had a CD player would do.

A throat was cleared behind me and I turned to see Rosa smiling shyly. She held out a bulging white envelope. "You always help out when anyone needs a little bit. Believe me, not everyone does. So now we can finally pay you back, though we all wish it weren't under these circ.u.mstances. You'll need it, or your mama will."

Stunned, I took the envelope. I hadn't expected it. Sure, when the hat was pa.s.sed for backroom staff I chipped in. I might not make much money, but I lived for nearly free. Sure, I didn't get the tips they made, but I also didn't get furloughed for a week if the number of guests was low. "Rosa, I don't know what to say."

"You don't need to say a thing-"

"Thank you. Thank everybody, please? I'm going to drive, I think. I can get there in time and it's so much less expensive."

"Marguerite in the kitchen said if you call you could get maybe half off on a flight for bereavement. You need to know the name of the funeral home so they can verify."

I thought about it for a moment. Half was still four hundred dollars and once I was there I'd be marooned unless I rented a car anyway. "I still think I'll drive. I like driving."

"Then you use the money to stay someplace nice on the way, where they'll bring you breakfast in bed the way you did Lise when she broke her ankle."

Blinking really fast and hard didn't stop the tears. "This makes a huge difference. Thank you." I wouldn't have to use my credit card for eleven hundred miles' worth of gas. Wiping my face, I gestured at the screen. "So I'm looking at car rentals."

"No, no," she said. She reached for the phone. "Mi hermano works for Hertz."

Walking back to my quarters felt strange. I was out of my usual rhythm. My body knew it was after four on a Monday, and it was time for tumbling lessons with the eight to ten kids. I also knew that right now Tess was doing weight room instruction for guests wanting to plan routines on the fitness equipment. I realized that if I hadn't asked her to take my Body Pump cla.s.s I might have missed my mother's call.

I took the time to tuck the cash-filled envelope into my suitcase. I was still stunned by everyone's generosity. I hated my father and he was dead and I had three hundred dollars out of the blue. It would easily get me there and back, and maybe I could stay someplace nice and watch a movie in the room, almost like a vacation.

It would take some thinking to work through the irony of it all.

Feeling more than a little bemused, I decided work would clear my head. My heart wanted to veer left to the fitness center, though, where I could at least look at Tess, then tell her the news, if she hadn't heard. But my feet kept plodding onward until I was under the circus tent.

Rajid tried to shoo me away. "You're covered. Go take care of you."

"This is taking care of me," I said. "Rosa's got a rental car being delivered. Randall gave me time off. I need distraction or I'll just spend the next few hours remembering all the reasons my father and I weren't speaking."