32.

People close to you have the power to disturb you the most. I should have torn my father's letter. I ended up reading it thrice.

Son, I am omitting the *Dear' as I am not sure I can address you as that anymore. I knew you are on the wrong path the day you lost respect for your father. I am sure you remember that day. You have broken all contact with me since.

I have learnt you are involved with a girl in Chennai. I don't know the details. I can only deduce so much from your mother's conversations with her useless relatives.

We should choose the girl for you, not you. For you are on the path to becoming a man of low character. Such are the values given to you by your mother and her siblings that you may not even know how disgraceful your actions are.

That you chose to hide your actions from me only reinforces that at some level you are ashamed of them as well.

Unfortunately, Your father I changed my sleeping position for the tenth time. I wanted to sleep, but felt more alert than anytime in office. Forget it, he only wants to provoke you,I said to myself again. Go to sleep, now! a I scolded myself. The funny thing about sleep is you can't instruct it to happen. Your mind knows the facts and repeats them to you a it is late, only five hours when you have to wake up again, you need rest.Your mind also has a million options on what it can think about; stars in the clear moonless sky, the beautiful flowers at the Nungambakkam flower shop, the smell of incense in Ananya's house, your best birthday party. There are positive thoughts somewhere in people's heads all the time. But somehow, even one negative thought will crowd them out. Maybe it is an evolutionary mechanism so we can focus on the problem at hand rather than rejoice in all things wonderful.

But it makes life a bitch, as good memories have to make space for the next pain *

in the neck item. And what does one gain by losing sleep? I hope our genes mutate ASAP so we can evolve out of this.

Memories of that day my father referred to kept coming back. What drama is he going to do when I tell him about my marriage plans?I thought. Go to sleep, idiot, only four hours to wake up,my mind scolded me.

My brain refused to relax. I sprang out of the bed at two and called home.

*Hello?' my mother said in a sleepy voice.

*Sorry, it is me.'

*Krish? Everything OK?' she sounded panicked.

*Yes,' I said.

*What happened?'

*Dad sent me a letter. I'm quite disturbed.'

*Oh, really? What did it say?'

*Not important. He knows about Ananya.'

*Your friend, no? yes, so what?'

*Mom, she is not just a friend. I want to marry her.'

*Oh Krish, don't start this so late at night. A girlfriend is fine, do whatever you want in Chennai. But why are you forcing her on us?'

*I am not imposing. I am telling you about my choice of life partner,' I said, my voice loud.

*Stop screaming.'

*I'm sorry.'

*If you have the guts, shout at your father.'

*I don't speak to him at all. You know I don't care.'

*Then why is that letter bothering you?'

I kept silent.

*Hello?' my mother said after five seconds.

*I'm here,' I said, my voice soft.

*Are you OK?'

I held back my tears as I spoke. *I'm lonely, mom. I don't need this form dad.'

*Tear the letter and throw it.'

*I am battling Ananya's parents here anyway. This is such a strange city, I am welcome nowhere. And now you think I am imposing on you,' I said and couldn't control myself. I held the phone tight and cried.

*Stop Krish, don't,' my mother said.

I composed myself and used my left leg to open the fridge. I took out a bottle of water and drank it. *What do I do?' I said after I regained composure.

*Come back. Why don't you apply for a transfer back to Delhi?'

*I only came here six months ago.'

*Say you have family issues. Tell them I am sick.'

*Mom, please.'

*Leave your job if you have to. We'll find another one. There is a Canara Bank right across our house.'

*Mom, I'm in Citibank. It is an MNC.'

*Fine, we will look for a multinational. Swear on me you will ask for a transfer.

Don't be trapped in the city with horrible black people.'

*Mom, they are not all bad.'

*I don't care. Apply for a transfer or I will send a letter to your boss. I will say I am an old woman and you have to consider my plea on humanitarian grounds.'

*Mom, swear on me you will never do anything like that,' I said and smiled at her choice of words inspired by Indian government offices.

*Then you do it.'

*I will, mom. I have to finish a few things first. I am almost there,' I said and regained my composure.

*OK, you fine now?' she said.

*Yes, I am good.'

*Good. And don't take any nonsense from these Madrasis, give it back to them.

They get scared fast.'

*OK, mom.'

*And don't get serious about that girl.'

Already too late for that, mom, I thought. *Good night, mom,' I said.

*I love you. Good night,' she said and hung up.

I came back to my bed and tossed the letter in the bin. I felt light after speaking to my mother and drifted off to sleep in five minutes. What would the world be without mothers?

33.

*Bike?' Ananya beamed when I went to pick her up on a black Yamaha RX 100.

*Bala's,' I said.

Ananya sat pillion in a maroon salwar kameez, using her white dupatta to cover her head and face. She looked like a member of Veerappan's gang.

Pondicherry is a hundred and forty kilometres away from Chennai, down the East Coast Road, or ECR, running along the Bay of Bengal. Fisherman's Cove falls on the way, twenty kilometres outside Chennai city.

We left Ananya's office at Anna Salai. She sat behind me and held the sidebars tight. By the time we left the city at Lattice Bridge Road, she switched from gripping the sidebars to my shoulders. We took the Old Mahabalipuram Road, which led us to ECR.

*This is beautiful,' I said as the sea became visible.

*I told you.' Ananya planted a kiss on the back of my neck.

We halted at Fisherman's Cove where I met the catering manager briefly.

Everything seemed under control for the Citibank event. We left the resort and came on the ECR again. An hour of driving later, we passed Mahabalipuram. It had stunning rock-cut temples next to the sea.

*Wow, these are amazing temples,' I said as the wind swept back my hair.

The ECR ended an hour after Mahabalipuram. The roads became narrower. We passed several little towns with long names and sprawling paddy fields. At a few places, I had to stop to make way for bullock carts, village school kids and goatherds. We reached Pondicherry around noon, and my first reaction was disappointment.

*This is it?' I asked as I reached the main chowk in the town. It was like any other small town in India, dusty and noisy with Cola ad signs painted on uneven walls.

*The nice part is inside, the French quarter and the Aurobindo Ashram,'

Ananya said as I negotiated a sharp bend in the road along with fifty other two- wheelers and four trucks.

The only French I saw was an underwear billboard with the brand Frenchie.

*Drop me here,' Ananya said as we passed Cuddalore road, where HLL has one of its factories.

I had three hours to kill in this Malgudi town as Ananya had an extended lunch meeting. We had agreed to meet at the L'Orient hotel at four for coffee.

I drove out of the factory compound and followed the signs to the Aurobindo Ashram on Rue de la Marine. The Ashram building resembled a quiet hostel by the sea. I came to the reception. More foreigners than Indian thronged the ashram lobby.

A forty-year old Western woman in a sari and beaded necklace sat at the counter. *What are you looking for?' she asked me.

Maybe, because I was in an ashram, or because the way she said it, I suspected deeper meaning in her question. I looked at her. She had blue eyes with wrinkles around them. *I've come for the first time,' I confessed.

She gave me Ashram brochure. Another person came and bought meal tickets.

*Can I get lunch here?' I asked.

*Yes, at the Ashram Dining Hall,' she said and showed me the coupon booklet.

I bought one for myself.

*Come, I'm going there,' she said, walking out with me from the reception. We walked along a lane adjacent to the ashram. The dining hall was half a kilometre away. She told me her name was Diana and that she came from Finland. A former lawyer, she now found more satisfaction as a volunteer at the ashram than helping Nokia secure patents.

*Are you a seeker or here as a tourist?' She handed me my coupon.

*Seeker?'

*Yes, if you wish to seek your path. Or if you seek answers to a specific problem.'

*Frankly, I came with a friend who had some work here. I wanted a day away from office.'

Diana laughed. We reached the dining hall and picked our stainless steel plates. We entered the eating area where everyone sat on the floor. Lunch was simple a organic brown rice, yellow daal and a carrot and peas subzi.

*OK, so I seek an answer. How do I get it?'