Rose

Time marches on and waits for no man, let alone a slightly hara.s.sed single mum who is approximately fifteen minutes late for her final night cla.s.s on car maintenance. I try to sneak into the back of the cla.s.s, unnoticed, but the tutor is too polite to allow this and insists on interrupting his instruction to welcome me and to sympathize about the unreliability of public transport. Helen grins at me and Susanne throws a small wave. They both look slightly more glamorous than they usually do, which in Helen's case means she looks as though she's just stepped out of the pages of a glossy magazine and in Susanne's case means she's wearing lipstick. I am in shoes with a three-inch heel (which I am unused to, hence my being late for the bus and, in turn, the cla.s.s). None of us are appropriately dressed for playing around with engines but tonight we are celebrating surviving the course.

We're going to a local Italian restaurant straight after cla.s.s and I, for one, am extremely excited about the prospect of sitting with a gla.s.s of Chianti and munching a pizza. Since Lucy-gate I have mostly lived in my own head, with nothing other than my confusion and anger for company. The idea of sitting still for a few hours, chatting about cheery girl-stuff, is just what I need.

The moment the cla.s.s is over Helen, Susanne and I charge out of the musty room. I'm not sorry to leave behind the smell of oil and creosote. We thank the tutor and nod goodbye to the various spotty boys but firmly refuse their generous invite to join them in the pub to talk sparkplugs.

We each hold on to our gossip until we are shown to our seats, have ordered our food and have a gla.s.s of wine in our hands.

'Cheers,'says Susanne. 'To Christmas.'

'Christmas?'yells Helen in disbelief. 'How can you be thinking about Christmas now? It's weeks away.'

How can she not be thinking about Christmas yet? Helen is clearly one of those people who buys her gifts on Christmas Eve, probably from the 711. In our house Christmas becomes a hot topic just after bonfire night. The boys have written, rewritten and then rewritten the rewrites of their letters to Santa, several times. They are not especially committed believers. Sebastian purports to be atheist, having declared, when he was six, that Santa, Rudolf and Mrs Christmas, etc. are all bogus; although he did concede that the North Pole was real but only after I'd shown him our Reader's Digest world atlas. Henry hedges his bets a little more. He sets the table from time to time in December and tries to keep his room tidyish, just in case there is a naughty and nice book. I guess he's more of an agnostic. However, as Christmas nears they both like to cover themselves and drop Santa a line detailing their plastic desires. They are a little like lapsed Catholics popping to confession once every year or so.

'I feel I've just taken down the sodding tinsel from last year,'groans Helen.

'I know. Time flies,'I agree.

The first school term is always the busiest. I have held it together throughout harvest festival, jeans day, character from a book day, the fitting of sports mouth-guards, school photos, Hallowe'en, bonfire night and suddenly, here we are two weeks away from nativity. Two villagers'costumes to go and I'm in the clear. Well, besides embarking on the mammoth amount of work that is necessary to make sure Christmas runs smoothly.

Daisy, Simon, Mum and Dad are coming to my house this year, as they do every year. For some reason, unaccountable to me, this has caused Daisy to throw a mini strop.

'I was wondering if we could have Christmas at my house this year?'she said at the beginning of November.

'We never do,'I stated flatly.

'That's my point,'she muttered.

'You don't like cooking,'I added reasonably.

'You could cook at mine.'She didn't look hopeful. I've been hosting Christmas for over a decade. It's traditional. Why would we do it differently this year?

'Oh, I prefer my own oven. Besides, you haven't got as much s.p.a.ce,'I argued.

'I have a spare room for Mum and Dad. There's the bed settee, we'd manage.'

'I don't think so,'I said firmly and finally. 'The boys like to stay in their own home on Christmas day.'

Daisy shot me a murderous glance. 'The boys couldn't care less. It's you,'she muttered.

I chose not to say anything else. I didn't want a row but I certainly didn't want to give way. I have ambiguous feelings towards Christmas and only manage to get through it if I follow a set and strict agenda. My agenda.

Until Peter left, I loved Christmas with an unadulterated pa.s.sion. His departure has complicated this, like everything else.

I loved Christmas throughout my twenties. When friends were becoming weary and viewed it as nothing other than an excuse to get drunk and have s.e.x with inappropriate strangers, I still saw it as a gloriously magical time. I liked choosing oh-so-perfect gifts. I liked spending evenings writing cards and carefully wrapping pressies with copious amounts of tissue and ribbons. I liked the full churches and I did not resent once-a-year-Christians appearing at midnight ma.s.s, slightly the worse for wear but well-intentioned. I loved being a great hostess and, throughout the season, I threw my doors open for several parties and gatherings besides the big day itself. I prided myself on producing delicious, distinguished, unparalleled lunches. My pheasant and pork with crackling and roast apples, seasoned delicately with thyme and parsley, served with caramelized fennel and spiced red cabbage and cranberries, is an unsurpa.s.sable feast, even if I say so myself.

Until Peter left.

Then I noticed that Christmas came with overwhelming expectations. Suddenly it was chilling to notice families sitting around hearths, to watch couples drag home Christmas trees and to know that tear-jerking nativity plays were being performed in every school hall up and down the country. My coping strategy was to carry on as I did before and then some. Now I invest more, not less, time into selecting thoughtful gifts. Wrapping them has become an art form. I now have two Christmas trees, one in the hall, the other in the lounge. I practise recipes for roast parsnip and honey weeks in advance of Christmas day.

Yet at Christmas I still notice the enormous black hole in my life. However many car maintenance courses or blind dates I fit in, no matter how many committees I sit on or hours I spend reading to the children or managing their health, education and emotional needs, there is a hole. A gap. A void. Secretly, I find that I've started to look forward to January, when things get back to normal. Tacky tinsel is put away and over-eating and binge drinking is seen for what it was, ruinous on one's health.

Helen and Susanne start to talk about work. Helen has been offered a promotion but she's unsure whether to take it. She says she sees little enough of her partner, Mike, as it is.

'Besides, Mike got promoted about two months ago so it's not as if we need the money,'she says.

She looks embarra.s.sed, because Susanne and I know that Mike will not have sat in the pub with his mates discussing whether the promotion would have a detrimental effect on their relationship. No doubt he took the private car parking s.p.a.ce and the bigger office without a moment's hesitation. She doesn't need us to point this out to her.

'I'd take it, girl. See how you get along,'says Susanne. I nod encouragingly.

Susanne is rushed off her feet in the salon at the moment. Despite Helen's reluctance to embrace the onslaught of Christmas, the rest of the western world are very aware that the geese are getting fat, which has a direct correlation to their hair needing to be trimmed, permed, lightened or straightened.

'It's my busiest time of year. If I'm unsociable and don't resurface until January, don't write me off,'says Susanne with a smile.

'We won't. I'm sure that we'll keep in touch. You two are the best thing about the course,'I say. We all grin rea.s.suringly at one another and luxuriate in a moment of female friendship. 'I also liked the bit about changing tyres, I think that will be useful,'I add with a smirk.

Susanne nudges me playfully and then asks, 'So what next?'Next? Why do people keep asking me that? 'I'm going to have a go at a fine art course. There's one starting in the spring. It's not expensive and you sketch live models in the first modular. They might have male models. It will be the first bit of naked flesh I've seen since 'Susanne stops talking and starts to count on her fingers.

'Not for me,'I state firmly. 'I was never any good at art and couldn't bring myself to stare at naked bodies for hours on end. Flesh, I've always thought, ought to be covered up.'

They both laugh even though I'm not trying to be funny.

Helen says, 'I thought I might join a sociology cla.s.s.'

Both ladies turn to me. I shrug. I haven't thought about it at all. All I've been thinking about is Lucy and Peter. Susanne lets me off the hook.

'You've been too busy dating to give it any thought, haven't you? How's it going?'

'Frankly, I'm wondering when I can quit the search for Mr Right. As I don't think he exists, my task is a little like looking for an invisible needle in a haystack.'

'He exists,'chorus Susanne and Helen at once.

I stare at them both, mystified. I can understand that Helen might believe in Mr Right. After all, she has Mike, and while I might think he's a little selfish when it comes to his career progression versus life balance, it doesn't seem to bother her. But Susanne is alone and has been for more months than she has fingers and toes. Where do they find their optimism?

'How did it go with the headmaster? We haven't seen you since the wedding date. You've cut so many cla.s.ses and when you do show up you rush off before we can chat,'observes Susanne.

I stare at my pizza and wonder how honest I can be with Helen and Susanne. I'm desperate to tell someone about the revelation I uncovered at the wedding and it can't be Connie or Daisy, not until I've worked out what to do about Lucy.

'I had a great time,'I admit.

'You liked him?'There is surprise in Helen's voice.

'Very much,'I confess with a shy smile. 'He's kind, thoughtful and funny. Plus, he looked great in his suit.'

'Wow,'the girls chorus. They beam at one another and heartily tuck into their bowls of steaming pasta.

'So when are you seeing him again?'asks Helen.

'Oh, I'm not.'The girls drop their forks and jaws. I explain. 'Well, I was at the wedding and I got talking to this man on our table, horrible character actually, a complete bore. And, you'll never guess, it turns out he is Lucy's lover.'Confused, Helen and Susanne stare at me. 'You know, Lucy who is married to my to Peter. Well, after that, I couldn't think of anything else and I was in such a state that I ran out of the reception without saying goodbye to Craig.'

As I admit this, I recognize the sensation of embarra.s.sment creeping down from my scalp, covering my face, neck and chest in a scarlet blush. What must Craig think of me?

'I don't understand,'says Helen. 'You were having a good time with Craig?'

'Wonderful.'

'But you left him, without any explanation, because you heard some gossip about your ex's wife. That poor man.'

Helen and Susanne exchange looks of bewilderment.

I try to justify my actions. 'But Lucy is having an affair, it's monumental.'

'Why?'asks Susanne. Which I think is pretty dim of her.

'Well, it's karma, isn't it? I mean this is what everyone said would happen. But it's terrible that it has, because what was it all for? My husband left me for her.'

I think the issue at stake is clear but from the look on my friends'faces they'd disagree.

'But what has Lucy's affair got to do with yours?'probes Susanne.

I answer her question with a question. 'Isn't it just typical that she ruins something else for me? I was having such a fabulous time with Craig. You know what? For the first time since Peter, I was actually enjoying being held by another man. I enjoyed Craig's conversation, his manners, his jokes. But since I left him in the lurch, Lucy has ruined that potential relationship.'

'She didn't ruin anything for you,'says Helen. She puts down her fork and watches me carefully. Her eyes are full of concern.

'You did that,'adds Susanne. 'You didn't have to leave.'

I look from one to the other of my friends and I'm bemused by their reaction. What are they talking about?

'Of course I had to leave. I was confused and shocked.'

'You could at least have said goodbye. Explained you had something to work through. You didn't have to abandon the man,'says Helen. 'For one thing, it's rude.'

'Maybe,'I concede guiltily.

I don't like it that Susanne and Helen are accusing me of having terrible manners or worse, especially as part of me agrees with them. With the benefit of hindsight, I realize that I could have made up an excuse for my sudden departure. It would have caused less disruption in the long run. At pick-up and drop-off I still have to duck and dive behind trees to avoid Craig, although recently I've noticed he no longer shows his face at the school gate. I think he's avoiding me too. Some of the mothers have started to grumble about his absence; they are accusing him of being inaccessible and remote. I feel badly for him. And I've missed not being involved in the school nativity this year. Usually I help paint scenery and I volunteer to practise lines with the kids, it's fun, but rehearsals are out of the question this year, which is a shame. I realize that I ought to try to explain myself to my friends, at a minimum.

'But this news of Lucy's affair is just another example of how true love doesn't exist and this whole search for the perfect man is just pointless,'I mutter, resentfully.

'How come?'

'When Peter left I justified his actions by telling myself that Lucy and Peter were one another's soul-mates and oddly that helped me make sense of the hurt.'

'You'd have been better cutting up his suits,'comments Susanne casually, as she takes a big gulp of the house white.

'Do you think so?'

'It seems more natural.'She leans across the table and fills up my wine gla.s.s.

'Did you ever show Peter how angry you were with him?'asks Helen. She makes her enquiry sound nonchalant but I catch her eye and identify a steely determination. I wonder where this is leading. I think about her question.

'No, I don't think so. There were the boys to consider. Arguing in front of them wouldn't have done them any good.'

'I agree with you there. But perhaps having a good old barney when they were safely tucked up in bed, or better yet, staying with grandparents, well...you might have found that helpful,'she suggests.

I'm shocked. 'In what way?'

'It would have been therapeutic,'replies Helen.

'Help you put things behind you,'adds Susanne.

'Get a few things off your chest.'

'Stop you feeling like a doormat.'

'Help you let things go.'

They are a great double act. I'm lost for words. My friends think I need therapy. They think I'm a doormat. They think I haven't let the past go, which is ridiculous because Peter and I broke up six years ago. Of course I've let go. OK, occasionally I refer to him as my husband, that's just a slip of the tongue. Sometimes I do find myself wondering what they are up to on a Sunday without me. But that's natural. I don't want him back. It's just that 'You need some closure with Peter.'

I'm not sure whether it's Helen or Susanne that says this. It hardly matters, it's clear they speak as one. In fact they sound very like Connie and Daisy, Luke and Simon, my mother and the man at the corner shop. I consider how best to phrase my indignant response but Susanne doesn't allow me the time to gather my thoughts or argument, she charges on.

'Everyone can see it, Rose. It's such a shame you are wasting so much time.'I want to object but she disarms me with a compliment. 'Rose, you have so much love to give. It breaks my heart seeing it wasted.'

'That's why your sister and your friends put so much effort into trying to find you a new man or at least a new hobby. Something you could get pa.s.sionate about, other than the past.'

'But the men I dated were all hopeless,'I point out.

'OK, so you met some dull guys, tight guys, guys with thin lips. Sadly there is a lot of flotsam and jetsam on the beach but then you met Craig and he was a pearl.'

'Yes, but '

'I bet subconsciously you were quite pleased when in the middle of your successful date with Craig you discovered this news about your ex and his wife. It gave you an excuse to cut and run.'

'My subconscious is not that complicated. I'm not that complicated,'I object.

'We are all complicated, Rose.'

'I'm homely and straightforward. I'm not self-destructive or complex.'

Helen and Susanne stare at me. I think I see pity in their faces.

We fall silent and sip our wine. I hope to G.o.d that is the conversation closed. I frantically search for something else to talk about but all I can think of is the scary possibility that they might be right.

'Answer me one thing,'says Susanne. 'If you hadn't found out about Lucy's affair that day at the wedding, would you have seen Craig again?'