True, what is the etiquette when it comes to the headmaster talking to a couple of lads about the potential of boning their mother?

'I can't talk to her friends to see what's wrong because they're all mums at my school, it would be unprofessional. I wonder if I should call round. But when? I can't visit when the boys are at home but I can hardly dip out of school to see to my personal business. What do you think?'asks Craig.

'I think you're insane to involve yourself with a woman with two seven-year-old lads.'

'For G.o.d's sake, John.'

'OK. Sorry. Did you tell her she's fat?'

'No! Of course not. For one thing she isn't.'Craig looks exasperated.

'You didn't say that she looked "well"? Because women think you mean fat if you say that.'

'Do they?'

'Always.'

'No, I think I said she looked beautiful.'

'Did you comment positively on any other woman in the room, including the bride?'

'I said that Jen looked relaxed.'

'That's OK. Did you cut across her sentence?'

'No.'

'Did you disagree with her? Suggest that women only vote for the vaguely s.e.xy political candidates? Criticize her driving? Talk about Star Trek?'

'No, no, no. John, I honestly don't think I said anything to offend her.'

'Well, someone must have, mate. You need to find out who and what.'

'You think I should talk to her.'

'It helps, in a relationship, and I should know.'

'You don't talk much then.'

I grin at my clever friend, 'No, mate, not if I can avoid it.'

'Should I go round to see her and ask her why she ran away?'

'Yes.'

'You think so?'

'Yes.'

Craig sits up and punches my arm. 'It's good to have you on side, mate. You're a real buddy.'

'Can we just watch the rest of Jacka.s.s now?'I ask and turn the volume back up.

Craig stares at the screen for about four minutes and then he says, 'Tom told me that Andrea got in touch to say that she's expecting a baby with her new bloke.'

'Did he?'

'How do you feel about that?'

'Pleased for her.'I don't take my eyes off the TV.

'Really?'

'Yes.'

'Didn't you two ever fancy having kids?'

I press the mute b.u.t.ton again. The hilarious antics carry on silently. Without the cries of agony or the screams and crashes the programme loses something. It puts me in mind of an old Charlie Chaplin movie, which I never found that funny.

'I think Andrea thought I was a kid.'

'Bit unfair,'says Craig loyally. Then more honestly he adds, 'But just a bit.'

'We did try at one point but timing was all wrong.'

'Girl stuff?'he asks, misunderstanding me.

I can't bring myself to explain that I don't mean her lunar-driven cycle and all that, more our timing. We only tried for a baby to stick us together but we were already shattered. It was a good thing that the fertility G.o.ds weren't paying us much attention.

'Can I ask you something really personal?'Craig has no idea about what level of probing is acceptable conversation between blokes. I consider it a sweet eccentricity and privately, I don't mind indulging him.

'Fire.'

'Was Andrea your One?'

'No mate, Cameron Diaz is my One. She just doesn't know it yet.'

'Seriously.'

He won't be budged. He stares at me earnestly. His face is twitching with concern and a real desire to understand me. It suddenly dawns on me that I might have been duped. Of course Craig knows that he has to go round to see this Rose bird, if he wants to make a go of it. He's not an idiot. He probably only asked for my opinion so that he could bring up the subject of women and lure me into exchanging confidences.

I watch the silent screen and tell him, I don't believe in The One. There are loads of people out there who could make me happy.

'Why don't they then?'

'I'm happy.'

'You didn't seem it at Tom's wedding.'It's not a question, so I'm not obliged to comment. Craig works with little kids all the time, so he rephrases. 'I hadn't seen you that drunk for a long time, mate, and I wondered why you wanted to get wasted.'

'Nervous about giving the speech.'

'No. You were excited about giving the speech.'

Craig is kind enough not to point out that while I stumbled through the speech it wasn't as good as it perhaps could have been. I still got the laughs but the humour wasn't as fast and sophisticated as I'd planned. I couldn't read my prompt cards and had to ad-lib a fair amount. Still, not to worry, if Craig cracks it with this Rose bird I'll dust off my speech and try again in a few years.

I don't take my eyes off the TV but I know that Craig is still staring at me with the full intensity of a concerned best mate. The heat is making me itch. I give in.

'It does mean something to me that Andrea is up the duff. I'm not jealous,'I hasten to add this and turn to him so that he can read my face and know I'm being as honest as I know how to be. 'She's a good la.s.s. I'm happy for her. She's clearly moved on and that's good. But it sort of brought home to me that I haven't. I haven't really moved since the divorce.'

'You bought your new house in Marlow.'

'Yes.'

I can't believe that the one time I want Craig to understand that I'm not talking literally, I'm talking figuratively, he's turned all man on me. I mean I haven't moved on emotionally but I'd wax my a.s.s and chest before I say so straight out.

'In some ways I feel that I'm right back where I was ten years ago, except in those days I listened to Oasis and Blur when I was f.u.c.king and now it's the Arctic Monkeys and Kaiser Chiefs. I keep running over old scenarios and wondering what I could have done differently to change the outcome.'

'With Andrea?'

'Among others. I'm sort of conducting an experiment at the moment.'

'An experiment?'

'Yes. Do you remember I once talked to you about that woman whose kid goes to your school?'

'Mrs Baker?'

'Yes, Connie. She meant a lot to me at one point.'

'And then nothing at all. You said so.'

'I just wonder if I've got that last bit wrong.'

'What?'Craig leaps off the sofa and starts to pace the room. He's melodramatically running his hands through his hair. 'Are you having an affair with her?'

'No.'

'Are you planning on doing so? Are you trying to seduce her?'

I don't answer directly. 'She's aged well. She's looking great and she's got this new indefinable aura, a sort of confidence that she didn't have when we were together.'

'It's called happiness. She's a happily married woman. She's a mother.'

Craig is furious. When he gets really angry a small muscle in his cheek flickers and he looks like a psycho. When we were kids I used to encourage him to use this party trick to freak out the bullies, but he can't do it on demand. I've only seen it appear about a dozen times.

'I really want her.'

'No, you don't, John. You don't know what you want and you are going to mess with her head. It's not on.'

'She's a big girl, she'll be able to decide for herself if I'm going to mess with her head or not,'I point out.

Craig flops back into his chair and looks defeated. I know he wants to grapple together a compelling argument for me to leave Connie alone.

'Why are you suddenly interested in her after all these years?'he asks. His voice is always soft but today I can barely hear him.

'I'm not sure.'

'Do you think it might be rebound from the divorce? Or an ego boost? If she used to be mad about you, do you see her as an easy target?'

'Not at all,'I say with a wry grin.

'A challenge, then? You like a challenge.'

'I don't know.'I wish he'd shut up. Why isn't he suggesting she's my One? He's normally so keen on the sentiment. Why is he insistent that any feelings I have for Connie have to be shallow and have a deviant motive?

'Is she interested in you?'

'Of course 'I falter. Craig hears the catch in my voice.

'What if she isn't interested in you?'asks Craig, in his quiet, steady voice.

I'm a bit irritated with him for even suggesting this. Normally, he has one hundred per cent certainty in my pulling power.

'She is or, at least, she will be,'I a.s.sure him.

'She's married,'he repeats.

'I'm aware of that,'I say dryly. I don't want to have to tell Craig that Connie was married the first time we met and that proved to be nothing more than an initial stumbling-block. I think the revelation would damage his view of the world.

'And they seem a really happy couple. Quite especially so,'he adds. 'Has she given you any encouragement?'

'Sort of,'I say carefully. In fact our conversations have been littered with polite but consistent rebuffs but still, I'm confident. I'm sure she's just playing with me. 'She will see things from my point of view, sooner or later,'I a.s.sert.

'I just mention it because you're my pal and if she doesn't want you and you're knocked back well, I just don't want to see you hurt.'

I'm shocked. I don't like Craig's insight, or sympathy or warnings. When I think I've heard as much as I can bear from Craig, he adds something yet more traumatizing than his compa.s.sion or counsel. 'I don't want to see you hurt, again.'

43.

Sunday 3 December