* In The Book of Virtues, edited by William J. Bennett, Simon & Schuster, New York, 1993, p. 553.

131*What is the Difference Between Sympathy and Empathy?

Sympathy is, "I understand how you feel." Empathy is, "I feel how you feel." Both sympathy and empathy are important. But of the two, empathy is certainly more important.

When we empathize with our customers, employers, employees, and families, what happens to our relationships? They improve. It generates understanding, loyalty, peace of mind, and higher productivity.

How do you judge the character of a person or, for that matter, of a community or a country? It is very easy. Just observe how the person or community treats these three categories of people:

1. The disabled 2. The elderly 3. Their subordinates

These are the three groups of people who cannot stand up as equals for their rights.

Be a Better Person

Resolve to be tender with the young, compa.s.sionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and wrong. Because some time in our lives we would have been all of these ourselves.

--Lloyd Shearer, 1986 132*ACTION PLAN

1. Commit to accepting responsibility for your actions.

2. Identify specifically one area in each category where you will accept greater respon- sibility:

(a) Home _______________________________________________________________________.

_______________________________________________________________________.

____.

(b) Work _______________________________________________________________________.

_______________________________________________________________________.

____.

(a) Social Life _______________________________________________________________________.

_______________________________________________________________________.

____.

What three items are you committing to practice after you finish this chapter?

(i) _______________________________________________________________________.

_______________________________________________________________________.

____.

(ii) _______________________________________________________________________.

_______________________________________________________________________.

____.

(iii) _______________________________________________________________________.

_______________________________________________________________________.

____.

Write down your commitments and read them daily for the next 21 days.

133*

CHAPTER 6.

SUBCONSCIOUS.

MIND & HABIT.

Building a pleasing personality

134*

We are all born to lead successful lives but our conditioning leads us to failure. We are born to win but are conditioned to lose. We often hear statements like, this person is just lucky, he touches dirt and it turns to gold or, he is unlucky, no matter what he touches, it turns to dirt. This is not true. If you a.n.a.lyze, the successful person is doing something right in each transaction and the failure is repeating the same mistake in each transaction. Remember, practice does not make perfect. Only perfect practice makes perfect. Practice makes permanent whatever you do repeatedly. Some people keep practicing their mistakes and they become perfect in them. So their mistakes become perfect and automatic.

Professionals make things look easy because they have mastered the fundamentals of whatever they do. Many people do good work with promotions in mind. But the one to whom good work becomes a habit is deserving.

Cultivating a habit is like plowing the field. It takes time. It has to grow from within. Habits generate other habits. Inspiration is what gets a person started, motivation is what keeps him on track and habit is what makes it automatic.

The ability to show courage in the face of adversity; show self-restraint in the face of temptation; choose happiness in the face of hurt; show character in the face of despair; see opportunity in the face of obstacles. These traits are not coincidences; they are the result of constant and consistent training, both mental and physical. In the face of adversity our behavior can only be the one we have practiced, regardless of whether it is positive or negative. When we practice negative traits such as cowardice or dishonesty in small events, hoping to handle the major ones in a positive way, the latter wouldn't happen because that is not what we have practiced.

When we permit ourselves to tell a lie once, it is a lot easier to do it a second and a third time until it becomes a habit. Success lies in the philosophy of sustain and abstain.

Sustain what needs to be done and abstain from what is detrimental until this becomes habitual. Human beings are more emotional than rational. Honesty and integrity are both the result of our belief system and practice. Anything we practice long enough becomes ingrained into our system and becomes a habit. A person who is honest most of the time gets caught the first time he tells a lie. Whereas a person who is dishonest most of the time gets caught the first time he tells the truth. Honesty and dishonesty to self and others both become habits.

Our thinking pattern becomes habitual. We form habits and habits form character. Before you realize that you have got the habit, the habit has got you. We need to form the habit of thinking right.

Someone once said, "Our thoughts lead to actions, actions lead to habits, and habits form character." Character leads to destiny.

FORM GOOD HABITS.

135*Most of our behavior is habitual. It comes automatically without thinking. Character is the sum total of our habits. If a person has positive habits, then he is considered a positive character. A person with negative habits is a negative character. Habits are a lot stronger than logic and reasoning. Habits start by being too weak to be felt, and end up becoming too strong to get out of. Habits can be developed by default or determination. I remember as a child my parents telling me, "You should form good habits because habits form character."

136*How Do We Form Habits ?

Anything we do repeatedly becomes a habit. We learn by doing. By behaving courageously, we learn courage. By practicing honesty and fairness, we learn these traits. By practicing these traits, we master them. Similarly if we practice negative traits such as dishonesty, unjust behavior, or lack of discipline, that is what we become good at. Att.i.tudes are habits. They are behavior patterns. They become a state of mind and dictate our responses.

CONDITIONING.

Most of our behavior comes as a result of conditioning-it is habitual. If we want to do anything well, it must become automatic. If we have to consciously think about doing the right thing we will never be able to do it well. That means we must make it a habit.

We are all being conditioned continuously by the environment and the media, and we start behaving like robots. It is our responsibility to condition ourselves in a positive manner.

When I was a student of martial arts, I observed that even the black belts were practicing blockpunch, the basics, because if they needed to use these skills, they had to come automatically.

Good habits are hard to come by but easy to live with. Bad habits come easy but are hard to live with.

HOW DO WE GET CONDITIONED ?.

Think of the mighty elephant who can lift in excess of a ton of weight with just its trunk.

How do they condition the elephant to stay in one place with a weak rope and a stake?

The elephant, when it is a baby, is tied to a strong chain and a strong tree. The baby is weak but the chain and tree are strong. The baby is not used to being tied. So it keeps tugging and pulling the chain, all in vain. A day comes when it realizes that all the tugging and pulling will not help. It stops and stands still. Now it is conditioned.

And when the baby elephant becomes the mighty giant elephant, he is tied with a weak rope and a small stake. The elephant could, with one tug, walk away free, but it goes nowhere, because it has been conditioned.

Human beings are constantly being conditioned, consciously or unconsciously, by exposure to:

the kind of books we read; the kind of movies and TV programs we watch; the kind of music we listen to; the kind of company we keep.

While driving to work, if we listen to the same music every day for several days, and if the tape deck breaks down, guess what tune we will be humming?

Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

If you keep doing what you have been doing, you will keep getting what you have gotten.