MEN: (Going up stage.) Excuse me! (Waiter enters with straws in gla.s.s, from arbor.)

MRS. SCHUYLER: Ah--straws--the very thing--gentlemen.

(Takes them out of gla.s.ses.) Come--choose--whoever has the shortest straw is to show his courage and die for me--who is it? Who is it? (PHIL enters--they see him--drop straws--and seize him.)

PAUL: Phil!

MEN: Ah! Welcome to our city. Welcome! Welcome!

PHIL: Is there any little thing I can do for you?

MRS. SCHUYLER: Yes. My husband will be here at any moment to kill these gentlemen and divorce me. You can save us all by saying you are the only old sweetheart of mine here.

PHIL: Excuse me!

MRS. SCHUYLER: Oh, Benchie! Think of your bench days when I used to sit on you--

PHIL: If you'd only sit on me now, I'd feel safer--

PAUL: Now don't be a fool. When he comes, say: "I am the only man here ever had an affair with your wife. What have you to say about it?"

ALL: (Together.) Repeat that now.

PHIL: (In terror.) I am the only man here ever had anything to do with your wife--just like that. (An automobile horn heard.)

GIRLS: Oh, here he is--(They run off. Business of men holding PHIL and finally rushing off as an enormous figure in Persian "get-up" enters.)

MRS. SCHUYLER: (Picking up PHIL.) Benchie, it's sweet and accommodating of you to die for these three gentlemen--a favor I shan't forget.

(From behind the Persian giant steps a midget in swell citizen clothes)--"It's Hamilton--(Mrs. Schuyler picks him up and kisses him.) Oh, Hamilton-I'm so glad you've come. (Crossing to Persian.) And Nehmid Duckin--it is an honor to have the prime minister with us. I'll go for a stroll with you and come back when (Turning to husband) you're through with this gentleman.

NEHMID: (In deep voice.) Is he the one?

MRS. SCHUYLER: Yes--you're looking great. (Takes his arm.)

NEHMID: So are you! (In deep tones to PHIL.) And now sir, you explain. (Exits with Mrs. Schuyler.) (PHIL stands in terror, thinking a powerful foe stands behind him. In reality, it is the midget husband. PHIL tries to talk. At first he cannot.)

PHIL: (After comedy biz.) I have a wife with an affair--I mean an affair with your wife--what have you to say about it?

MR. SCHUYLER: (In piping voice.) I'm very angry. (PHIL starts--looks up to see where voice comes from--doesn't see anyone--walks and b.u.mps into HAMILTON--rolls up his sleeves.)

PHIL: (Bravely.) What have you to say about it? (Slaps his hand over his mouth.) Don't say a word--I've been waiting for something like you to show up. (He backs HAMILTON off--his hand on his face.)

FINALE: (During this, ROSE enters in bridal costume to be wed to SHEIK. Servant enters announcing his death from eating Persian Plums.

SONG: "Who Sent These Persian Plums?"

Then, final meeting and happiness of lovers and comedy characters and picture as "My Little Persian Rose" is repeated for

CURTAIN

MY OLD KENTUCKY HOME

A BURLESQUE IN ONE ACT

BY JAMES MADISON

Author of "Love Blossoms," "Cohen from Bridgeport,"

"Before and After," Monologues for Nat M. Wills, Joe Welch, Etc., Etc., Author and Publisher "Madison's Budget."

MY OLD KENTUCKY HOME CHARACTERS

OLD BLACK JOE . . . . . . . . An ex-slave, eighty years of age ARTHUR MAYNARD. . . . . . . . . Owner of a Kentucky Plantation VIOLA MAYNARD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . His Daughter CHARLIE DOOLITTLE. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Her Sweetheart EDGAR TREMBLE. . . . . . . . . . . . . . With a heart of stone MRS. ALICE WILSON. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A frail widow HARVEY SLICK . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . An adventurer FELIX FAKE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . His a.s.sistant CHLORINDA SOURGRa.s.s. . . . . . . . . . . . . . A lady of color CISSIE, LOTTIE, FANNIE, TILLIE, GOLDIE, DORA, MAGGIE, MABEL, GERTIE. . . . . . . . . . . . Invited Guests

SCENE: Garden of ARTHUR MAYNARD'S plantation. Landscape backing.

Set house at left with practical veranda (if possible). Wood wings at right. Set tree up stage at right behind which old pocketbook containing a number of greenbacks is concealed. Bench in front of tree. Pedestal up stage at left, dog-house at right.

DISCOVERED: (At rise of curtain an invisible CHORUS is heard singing "My Old Kentucky Home." Then GOLDIE and other invited girl friends come on stage and sing a MEDLEY OF POPULAR CHORUSES. At conclusion of medley, VIOLA enters from house.)

VIOLA: Girls, do you know why I've invited you all today?

FANNIE: To tell us that you're engaged to be married.

VIOLA: Nothing so fortunate. This is my father's birthday, and I've arranged a little celebration in his honor, and I want you all to partic.i.p.ate.

LOTTIE: We won't do a thing but enjoy ourselves.

VIOLA: But there's one dark cloud, girls.

(CHLORINDA enters from house.)

TILLIE: Yes, here comes the dark cloud now.

VIOLA: The dark cloud I refer to is Mrs. Wilson, who calls herself a widow and who has been hanging around father for the last few months in the hope that he'll make her Mrs. Maynard number two.

DORA: The hussy!

MAGGIE: The cat!

VIOLA: I wouldn't care if she loved father, but I suspect that all she's after is his money.

CHLORINDA: His mazuma.

GERTIE: Get on to the African Jew!

LOTTIE: Any woman that wants to fool your father has to get up early in the morning.