PHONSIE: Mommer, when do I eat?
GLADYS: Alas, we cannot buy food, we are penniless.
PHONSIE: If you would only put your jewels in soak, mommer.
GLADYS: What, hock me sparks? Never! I may starve, yes, but I'll starve like a lady in all my finery!
PHONSIE: Mommer, I want to eat.
GLADYS: What shall I do? My child hungry, dying, without even the price of a shave! Oh, my heart is like my brother on the railroad, breaking--breaking--breaking--(Weeps.)
PHONSIE: Ah, don't cry, mommer. You'll have the whole place damp.
You keep on sewing and I'll keep on dying.
GLADYS: Very well. (Drying eyes.) But first I'll go out and get a can of beer. Thank goodness, we always have beer money.
PHONSIE: Oh yes, mommer, do rush the growler. Me coppers is toastin'. And don't forget your misery cape and the music that goes with you, will you, mommer?
GLADYS: I'll get those.
PHONSIE: And you'd better take some handkerchiefs. You may want to cry. But don't cry in the beer, mommer, it makes it flat.
GLADYS: Thank you, baby, I do love to weep. Oh, if we only had a blizzard, I'd take you out in your nightie. But wait, sweetheart, wait till it goes below zero. Then you shall go out with mommer, bare-footed.
PHONSIE: Don't stand chewing the rag with the bartender, will you, mommer?
GLADYS: Only till he puts a second head on the beer. (Exit R.)
PHONSIE: Gee, it's fierce to be a stage child and dying. I wonder where my popper is? I want my popper--I want my popper. (Bawls.)
MOE REISS: (Enters.) Why, what is the matter, my little man?
PHONSIE: Oh, I'm so lonely, I want my popper.
MOE REISS: And where is your popper?
PHONSIE: Mommer says he is in Philadelphia. (Sniffles.)
MOE REISS: (Lifts hat reverently.) Dead, and his child doesn't know. And where is your mama?
PHONSIE: Oh, she's went out to chase the can.
MOE REISS: And what is your name, my little man?
PHONSIE: Alphonso. Ain't that practically the limit?
MOE REISS: Alphonso? I once had a little boy named Alphonso, who might have been about your age.
PHONSIE: And what prevented him?
MOE REISS: (Sighs.) Alas, I lost him!
PHONSIE: That was awful careless of you. You oughtn't to have took him out without his chain. (Sniffs.)
MOE REISS: What's the matter with your nose?
PHONSIE: I have the glanders--and the heaves. I get all the horse diseases. Father was a race track tout.
MOE REISS: A race track tout? What is your last name?
PHONSIE: Dressuitcase, Alphonso Dressuitcase.
MOE REISS: Dressuitcase? And have you heavy shingle marks on your person, great blue welts?
PHONSIE: You bet I have, and my popper put them there, too.
MOE REISS: Why, it's my boy, Phonsie, my little Phonsie. Don't you know me? It's popper. (Slams him in face hard with open hand.)
PHONSIE: Well, your style is familiar, but you don't need to show off!
GLADYS: (Enters. Carrying Growler carefully.) Moe! Moe! My husband!
(Buries face in can.)
MOE REISS: Gladys! Gladys! My wife! (Takes can from GLADYS.)
PHONSIE: (Comes between them.) Here, I want to have my fever reduced. (Back to bed.)
GLADYS: Where have you been all these years, Moe?
MOE REISS: Just b.u.mming around, just b.u.mming around. When I deserted you and copped out Birdie Bedslatz, I went from bad to worse, from Jersey City to Hoboken. [1] When my senses returned, I was insane.
[1] Local.
GLADYS: My poor husband, how you must have suffered!
MOE REISS: At heart, I was always true to you and our little boy, and I want to come back home.
GLADYS: But tell me, Moe, how are you fixed? (Tries to feel his vest pocket.)
MOE REISS: Fine, I am running a swell gambling joint.
GLADYS: Splendid! Now, Phonsie shall have proper nourishment.
MOE REISS: He shall have all the food he can eat. (Up to bed.)
GLADYS: Yes, and all the beer he can drink.
MOE REISS: Great heavens, I could never pay for that.