THE BURLESQUE TAB

My Old Kentucky Home

Perhaps the most characteristic of the burlesque acts in vaudeville, this "Tab" has been played in various guises in the two-a-day and in burlesque for many seasons. It is the work of a writer who justly prides himself on his intimate knowledge of the burlesque form, and who possesses the most complete library of burlesque ma.n.u.scripts in America. To the thousands of readers of "Madison's Budget," James Madison requires no introduction.

Permission to publish these acts has, in each instance, been personally granted to the author of this volume. This kind permission covers publication in this book only. Republication of these acts in whole or in part, in any form whatsoever, is expressly prohibited.

Stage presentation of any of the acts is likewise forbidden. A _Special Warning_ has been inserted in the introductory page of every act, at the request of each author. The reason for such repet.i.tion is to be found in the commercial value of successful vaudeville material, and in the fact that the general public has never precisely understood the reservations permitted to the author of a dramatic work under the copyright law. Infringements of any sort are subject to severe penalties under United States law and will be rigidly prosecuted.

To the writers of these acts the author of this volume wishes to express his deep appreciation for the permissions that enable him to print as ill.u.s.trations of his text some of the finest acts that vaudeville has ever seen.

The German Senator A Monologue

By Aaron Hoffman Author of "The Politicians," "The Belle of Avenue A,"

"The Newly-weds and their Baby", "Let George Do It,"

"School Days," Etc., Etc.

THE GERMAN SENATOR

My dear friends and falling citizens:

My heart fills up with vaccination to be disabled to come out here before such an intelligence ma.s.sage of people and have the chance to undress such a large conglomerated aggravation.

I do not come before you like other political speakers, with false pride in one hand and the Star Strangled Banana in the other.

I come before you as a true, sterilized citizen, a man who is for the public and against the people, and I want to tell you, my 'steemed friends, when I look back on the early hysterics of our country, and think how our forefathers strangled to make this country voss iss is it; when you think of the lives that was loosed and the blood that was shredded, we got to feel a feeling of patriotic symptoms--we got to feel a patriotic symp--symps--you got to feel the patri--you can't help it, you got to feel it.

I tell you, our hearts must fill up with indigestion when we look out to see the Statue of Liberty, the way she stands, all alone, dressed up in nothing, with a light in her hand, showing her freedom.

And what a fine place they picked out for Liberty to stand.

With Coney Island on one side and Blackwell's Island on the other.

And when she stands there now, looking on the country the way it is and what she has to stand for, I tell you tears and tears must drop from her eyes. Well, to prove it--look at the ocean she filled up.

And no wonder she's crying. Read the nuisance papers. See what is going on.

Look what the country owes.

According to the last report of the Secretary of the Pleasury, the United States owes five billion dollars.

n.o.body knows what we owe it for;

And n.o.body ever sees what we have got for it; [1]

[1] Here begins the "Panama Ca.n.a.l point," referred to in Chapter V. It continues until the "End of Panama Ca.n.a.l Point" footnote below.

First read the monologue including this point, then read it skipping the point--thus you will see, first, what a complete "point" is; second, what "blending" means; and third, how a monologist may shorten or lengthen his routine by leaving out or including a point. [end footnote]

And if you go to Washington, the Capsule of the United States, and ask them, THEY don't even know THEMSELVES.

Then they say, what keeps the country broke is the Pay-no-more Ca.n.a.l.

It cost the Government nine thousand dollars an hour to dig the ca.n.a.l. THINK OF THAT!

Nine thousand dollars an hour for digging, and the worst of it is, they ain't digging.

Up to date, it has cost a hundred and seventy million dollars to dig a hole--they've been at it for over nine years--and the only hole they've dug is in the United States Treasury.

Every six months, the Chief Engineer, he comes up with a report;

He says: "Mr. Congress, the ca.n.a.l is getting better every day, a million dollars MORE please."

He gets the money, goes out, buys a couple of shovels, then sends back a telegram: HOORAY--The digging is very good, the two oceans will soon be one.

Can you beat that?

Before they started the ca.n.a.l it didn't cost us nothing, and we had two oceans.

And by the time they get through, it'll cost us three hundred million and we'll only have one.

And now that the ca.n.a.l is nearly finished, it looks like it was going to get us into trouble.

j.a.pan is against it on one side and England don't like it on the other.

And that's why we've got to have a navy. [1]

[1] End of "Panama Ca.n.a.l point." See footnote above, also Chapter V.

Of course, we've got a navy.

But everybody is kicking about it.

Why should they kick?

All we appropriated for the navy last year was four million dollars.

And there's eighty million people in this country.

And that figures a nickel apiece.

And what the h.e.l.l kind of a navy do you expect for a nickel?

Still they are crying that the country is in dest.i.tution circ.u.mstances.

That is inconsis--inconsis--you can't deny it.