I said, "You thought I was a spacehopper."

Vaisey said, "Well, what about your horsie thing? I liked that."

And Flossie said, "You've got your own moustache."

Ms Fox said she thinks my Irish dancing should be the finale. I started to say something about, where did that fit into Wuthering Heights, I don't remember Heathcliff (or Cathy) being Irish, but no one was paying attention. Vaisey wanted to talk about what she should wear on Friday. And also how to keep her hair under control.

I said, "Don't any of you think it's a bit out of the blue?"

They looked at me.

I went on. "Choosing me for the lead role. Don't you think that's odd?"

Honey said, "Mith Fox thayth ith inthpired by your bithycle ballet, but without the biketh or you cwathing into the wingth."

Harold and Dibdobs are very interested in my portrayal of Heathcliff .

Harold went on a lot about his inner 'female'. He said, "It is something we explore a lot at our Iron Man camps. This is a really very interesting topic. In fact, I have a book that we were reading round the campfire that I must rootle out for you. We used to dress the twins in dresses until they started playschool."

I didn't know what to say. Except, "Golly."

The book that Harold gave me is called, A real man's guide to soft goods: how to knit your own socks.

What did Harold know????

On Thursday, after I had accidentally stepped through an imaginary wall into the fireplace. In her French play, Dr Lightowler said to me, "Have you thought about what you will do in show business when you leave here, Tallulah? Perhaps the box office? Or theatre cloakroom attendant?"

She hates me.

CHAPTER 17.

"Get your ears on, dudes!"

The Jones are live at five Practically the whole college was hanging around the sound studio at lunchtime. The Jones were supposed to have come in this morning, and Bob was fretting around. He had a T-shirt on with a teacup on the front of it. It said underneath, I'm the mug with the band.

On the back it said, Duh.

We could hear him in the sound studio, going "One two one two...Let's hit it, lads!!!!!" And then smashing the drums and cymbals like a madman.

It was a really hot day. Even Gudrun had let her bun down. Bumblebees were dozily bonking about, and that is when The Jones drove up the driveway. On a tractor.

When the rest of the girls heard the tractor they rushed out screaming, and I nearly choked on my banana. Seth was driving and Ruben and Cain were standing on the running board. All of them dressed in black. They got down from the tractor with their guitars and looked as if they always had sixty girls gawping at them.

Honey said, "Vewy cool."

As Seth went in, he looked at Flossie, and winked and said, "Oh, yes."

Flossie took off her glasses, tossed her hair and said, "Hi, y'all," in her Texan accent.

Cain came last, walking really slowly up the steps. He looked at the 'Absolutely No Smoking' sign.

He got a cigarette out and lit it. He let the smoke curl out of his lips.

Oh crumbs.

He was smoking in a 'no smoking' area. He was smoking by the 'Absolutely No Smoking' sign.

He took a drag, and then he stubbed it out on the sign!

He said in his deep dark voice, "I dunt even smoke, but I do what I want, when I want. Because I am The Jones."

And he pushed through the crowd, who backed away from him.

I rolled my eyes at the girls.

" 'I AM The Jones'? What he should have said is 'I AM the prat'."

Jo said, "He is bloody good-looking, though, isn't he?"

And then coming up the driveway, we saw Jack. Vaisey went bright red to match her hair-hat.

He was a bit red-faced himself and carrying a cymbally thing. He said "Hello" when he saw us and stopped.

Vaisey seemed to have lost the power of speech, so I said, "Alright, Jack? What are you doing here?"

And he said to me, although I could tell he was looking at Vaisey, "I've come to play percussion for The Jones, I'm, you know, maybe going to be in the band, or something."

We were doing enthusiastic back-up nodding and trying to get behind Vaisey at the same time.

Jack said, "Yeah, well, I've got to do a lot of catching up because there's a gig next week and...but...anyway, are you alright, Vaisey?"

Vaisey looked like a startled earwig. "Yeah, I, er, I got sixty-five per cent for my singing..."

He looked genuinely pleased.

"Great, that's great...I meant to, you know, after the, erm, vampire bats, I was going..."

Then Cain appeared back at the top of the steps.

Jack sort of hesitated for a minute, and then said, "Er, I'd better go in...I...er...See you later."

And he did a little wave to Vaisey. And went after Cain.

Vaisey has been driving us mad all afternoon. Talking about Jack.

Honey said, "I think he weally liketh you, I can tell."

At which point, Bob popped his head round the door and said, "Get your ears on. The Jones will be live at five. In the main theatre. Rock and roll!!!"

I was certainly not going to go.

Cain might already have written a song about me: 'She's got those corker-rubbing blues.'

But on the other hand I could stand at the back, where he couldn't see me.

And crouch down a bit.

And look at him.

And see what he did.

Vaisey has been up to the dorm about eight times and come down in something different every time. We crowded into the theatre after college. All the students were there, and the teachers.

It was like going to a proper gig.

Probably.

Sidone had got dressed up in pedal pushers and a lurex top. She was already practising doing the jive with Monty.

Jo said, "That is one of the oddest things I have ever seen."

I decided I am going to really observe Cain and base my Heathcliff on him.

There was still no sign of them at quarter to six. We could hear shouting going on in the passage. Not excited shouting, more like 'having a barney' shouting.

The lights went up onstage and Jack went to sit at his drum kit. Vaisey applauded like mad. Then went bright red.

Then Seth came on with his guitar. He didn't even look at us, he just started tuning up. Flossie wolf whistled. The girls oohed and aaahed.

Then Ruben came on. And they oohed and aaahed again.

Five minutes went by, and eventually Cain came on.

And just stood there. In black. Moody and black and dangerous.

There was silence as Cain looked out into the audience. He shook his head, like he'd seen a bunch of idiots and said into the microphone, "This one is called, 'Is it so very wrong to want you dead'."

And they played. And Cain sang.

Well, to tell you the truth, he didn't sing. It was more sort of growling and snarling and moaning down the microphone, whilst the band behind him made a whirlwind of noise. Jack was thumping away at the drums.

Then they played their next one called, 'Shut up, mardy bum.'

Followed by the classic, 'Girlfriend in the river, I know, I know it's really serious.'

It was the weirdest, most gothic gig I have ever been to.

Even though I have never been to a gig.

Sidone and Monty tried to jive but gave up and just moved their shoulders around.

Cain was like an animal in pain. And he seemed really angry. With everything. He hit the microphone. He kicked the stand. He pointed at people. He even kicked Bob's special speaker with 'Wizard' written on it. Bob went and stood by it with a broom.

At the end, Cain came forward and said huskily, "That's it, leave us alone."

The girls went mad for them.

Amazing.

Then, as Cain was storming off, he said something to Seth.

And Seth got hold of him and belted him.

Then Cain hit Seth and said something else.

Then Ruben came across and tried to break them up, and he got hit.

And then they all went off, fighting.

Amazing.

As we stood there, being amazed, Jack was left sitting behind his drums. He looked offstage for a second and then started dismantling his kit.

Vaisey said, "Should I go over?"

And we all went, "Yeah."

So off she toddled and got up on the stage. Jack smiled when he saw her. A bit shyly, but then they were chatting and he was letting her hit his cymbal. Thank goodness, and also, Yaroooo!!!

The Hinchcliffs came swaggering back, led by Cain who had a bleeding lip. I bobbed down behind Flossie. They were signing autographs and also letting girls write their phone numbers on their arms. How ridiculous.

When they were ready to go, Cain looked up and saw Jack and Vaisey talking and laughing, and shouted over, "Jack, we're out of here."

Vaisey looked at Jack.