"'...Such people,'" he went on but began to kiss her at the same time, "'...are always pa.s.sive, always fail to move forward at the critical moment ... and always have to be given a shove in the back before they move a step..."' He kissed her neck fervently.

"Pah!" She turned around and slapped him in the face. "We have a contract! Don't tell me that you want to break it!"

He rose. His face was red. "I am quitting."

"Get out, then." Her tone was sharp.

"But ... you were bored to death and falling asleep yourself."

"How dare you accuse me of being bored with Mao study! I am not sleepy! You are the problem! Your mind is getting dirtier every day. I am sure you are not here to study Maoism but to enjoy bourgeois indulgence."

He was insulted. In a quick motion he came and grabbed her shoulders. "Why did you insist on making us a team if you are so holy? Why? To keep me here for what? For the pleasure of your eyes? What do you want from me? You know, deep down, you know that we are not interested in Mao but in each other. Our difference is that you won't admit it while I do. I am not ashamed of how I feel. You can't deal with your feelings. I guess being a national icon is more important than being yourself ... But why drag me along? Why not let me go? Does it give you pleasure to set my feelings on fire and watch me burn?"

"Evergreen, the truth is"-she took a gasp of air-"that I am not burning any less. We have to learn to conquer our weakness. Together we must help each other."

"Wild Ginger, you must not ignore the fact that I don't take being a Maoist as the mission of my life."

"That's not correct, Evergreen. All you need to win is a strong will."

Losing all patience, he shouted, "I despise your will! Your preaching reminds me of those who bound the feet of their girls and castrated their boys!"

"What did I do? What harm have I caused you?" she asked tearfully.

"I can't go on with you." He let her go and turned his face away.

"You've disappointed me." Her tone was cold.

He tried to stay composed but his emotion betrayed him. His facial muscles began to twitch.

She stood up. Her lips moved as if trying to say something. But no sound came out.

He got up, walked toward her.

She stepped back.

He began to open his shirt, b.u.t.ton by b.u.t.ton.

"What ... what are you doing?" Her syllables slurred.

He gave no answer but unfastened his belt.

Before she turned away, he stepped out of his pants.

"Animal!" She shut her eyes.

He was erect.

"Traitor! Coward!" she shouted.

He jumped on her and pushed her down under his knees.

She struggled, trying to push him away.

He began to rip off her clothes. Her Mao jacket was pulled open.

Inside the closet, I became short of breath. What should I do? Do I jump out to help?

His hands went to explore her body.

She fought fiercely. But she didn't call my name. I was waiting.

She scratched the skin on his neck.

Finally she got a chance and bit his right shoulder.

He groaned. As if inflamed by the pain he was determined to take her.

They rolled on the floor. They were about eight yards away from me. Wild Ginger was pressed down on her back. He was on top of her. His nose was pointing directly at me.

She screamed.

I cracked open the closet door-my subconscious had taken the scream as a signal to act.

He raised his eyes and suddenly he saw me.

I froze.

We were eye to eye. Evergreen and I.

I couldn't move.

He withdrew.

She sat up, not noticing that Evergreen and I had discovered each other.

He sat himself on the floor like a balloon leaking air.

She b.u.t.toned up her clothes and started to fix her hair.

Evergreen got up and put his clothes back on. He went to the water jar and poured himself a bowl of water.

Wild Ginger went to the bathroom behind the wall.

I carefully closed the closet door.

Evergreen sat by the kitchen table. He picked up the Mao book and glanced in my direction.

I stood frozen in place. I wanted to come out, but was afraid that Wild Ginger would be upset. As I pondered what to do next, Wild Ginger reappeared.

"Maybe we can figure out a way to solve this problem," she said. "Chairman Mao teaches us, 'There is no problem that is unsolvable by a true revolutionary.'"

Evergreen put down the Mao book and folded his arms in front of his chest.

"I am here for you, Evergreen, I care about you. It's just ... I can't have ... Well, to put it flat and straight ... I can't commit to a relationship with you. It is not easy for me to be where I am. You must understand that. I have decided to live up to Chairman Mao's expectations."

"You sound like the Ching dynasty empress dowager. You need me to be your eunuch in chief."

"It's unkind of you to say that," she said painfully. "You know that I want to make you happy."

Evergreen laughed bitterly. "By torturing me?"

"I'll do anything for you except make love to you."

Evergreen stood up.

"Wait!" she cried. "I ... I don't mind if you ... play with yourself."

It took him a moment to understand what she meant. He sat back down and turned in my direction. As if suddenly reaching a decision, he seemed to relax. Almost happily, he said, "There is one thing you can do to help me."

"I'm listening."

"Read me Mao quotations while I do it."

"You agree with my suggestion then, don't you?" She looked at him. "That we carry on a spiritual relationship?"

"Is that what you want?"

"Yes."

"You don't have to look at me..."

"I promise. I will keep my eyes on the lines."

"Are you ready?"

"Sure. Which Mao would you like me to read?"

"Anything."

"How about 'The Struggle in the Chingkang Mountains'? Or 'Introductory Note to How Control of the Wutang Co-operative Shifted from the Middle to the Poor Peasants'?"

"Never mind."

"What's wrong?"

"I feel sick."

When Wild Ginger asked about my time in the closet, I didn't reveal what I'd seen, but I didn't know why. To say that I was afraid to upset Wild Ginger would be untrue. Later as I sorted out my thoughts, I realized that Evergreen's decision to keep his discovery secret from Wild Ginger had been a turning point. In all our time together, I hadn't grown intimately closer to Wild Ginger, but strangely, now I somehow felt closer to Evergreen. It was as if through his silence Evergreen and I were engaged in something together-the betrayal of Wild Ginger.

"You have helped me reach my goal," Wild Ginger said as she made me tea. "It is perfect that Evergreen has come to feel disgusted by his own behavior; he has disabled the power of nature's evil. We've struck a deal. We'll stay close friends and comrades in arms. I'll get to see him every night without risking my future."

"Why do you have to see him every night? Why don't you just leave him alone for good?" I asked almost angrily.

"I wish I knew why, Maple. It's become a craving. I can't bear not to see him every day."

"You are in love. You have been denying the truth."

"Don't apply that bourgeois term to me. I have already told you that such words don't belong in a Maoist's vocabulary. And such sentiments could destroy me. Now swear, Maple, never say that again."

"But you have just said that you couldn't bear not to see him."

"I guess it is the price I have to pay to be a Maoist. Now you know that I'm a piece of real gold-I can stand being hit by a hammer ten thousand times-and still be myself."

"What about him?"

"He just needs to be refined. He is Maoist material. We are a revolutionary pair."

"But the truth is you two fight."

"Well, that's part of the attraction! Did you ... Maple, did you see him come on me?"

"How could I not see?"

"What did you think?"

"What do you expect me to say?"

"Say what's on your mind."

"It's a jar of porridge there."

"You are good, Maple. You are straight and devil-proof."

"What do you know about me?"

"I know you inside out. I trust you with my most inner secrets. I couldn't be a Maoist without you."

16.