*Your speech sounds good.'

*Slow, though.'

*It doesn't even sound that slow to me.'

*Sounds slow from in here. It's so much work. I say that much and I need a nap.'

They drove for a while without speaking. Nathan found himself inwardly gearing up for his next statement. He was surprised to notice a trace of butterflies. He was not usually given to butterflies.

*I saw Carol yesterday,' Nathan said.

Nat's head snapped around, but then he caught himself and looked out the window again. He didn't answer for a time. Then he said, *You just happened to run into her?'

*No. We had lunch. We have lunch about once a month or so.'

*So you can talk about me?'

*No. Because she felt she had a friendship with me, and she didn't want to lose that. But it occurred to both of us that you might take it that way. Which is why I haven't said anything up until now. Carol didn't want me to say anything at all. But I didn't feel comfortable with that. I like to be . . .'

*Forthcoming?'

*Yes,' Nathan said. *Exactly. I like to be forthcoming.'

*Well. I guess I can't tell either one of you who to be friends with.' Nat looked out the window in silence for a block or two. Then he said, *Is she seeing somebody?'

Nathan opened his mouth to speak but never got the chance.

*Never mind. Don't answer that. I'm sorry. I guess that was none of my business. Let's talk about something else.'

So Nathan was simultaneously spared from, and deprived of having to say, no. She isn't. Rightly or wrongly, she's waiting for you to come to your senses.

Nat supplied the something else. *Anybody else you talk to behind my back?'

*Well, your grandmother still calls me. Once a month or so. After all these years.'

He glanced over at Nat in the ensuing silence. Watched him reclaim and close his open lower jaw.

*I'm surprised.'

*Once a grandmother, always a grandmother, I suppose.'

*And what do you tell her? Do you tell her private things about me?'

*Now how would I even know private things about you?' Nathan asked.

It was a question that never received an answer.

Just as he was turning out the light for bed, Nathan heard Nat call to him from his old bedroom.

*Nathan?'

He put on a robe and went into the young man's room.

*Yes, Nat?'

*I was just wondering if you were going to come in and pull up a chair like you used to always do before bed. I mean, before I got married, that is.'

*Do you want me to?'

*Yeah. Sure.'

Nathan pulled the straight-backed cane chair around to face the bed, and settled himself into it.

*So, what time do we have to get up?' Nat asked. *Like four?'

*Maybe I'll go easy on you and let you sleep until four fifteen or four thirty.'

*Gee, thanks.'

An awkward silence. They hadn't talked like this for so long. In the old days, Nathan seemed to recall that he would ask various questions about the young man's life. But he couldn't seem to produce anything now.

*Anything in particular on your mind, Nat?'

*Just the job, I guess.'

*Are you physically up to it?'

*Oh, yeah. Physically, it's fine.'

*What part of it isn't fine?'

*I don't know. I'm not sure I can explain it. It's like I know how everybody thinks I should feel. Like Little Manny. He always wanted to be a fighter. But he wasn't built for it. So he taught other people how to fight. And it seems like that's OK with him. Like he gets some kind of satisfaction out of watching somebody else get what he wanted. And I know everybody wants me to feel that way.'

*But you don't.'

*No. I don't. I hate it. I'm jealous of those guys. Every day. Even the ones that aren't good. At least they get their shot. I try not to show it. But it just chews at me. All the time.'

*Hmm. All I know is that you can't force yourself to feel something you don't.'

*Is there something wrong with me, Nathan?'

*I doubt it. I think you just need more time.'

*Yeah. Maybe so. Maybe that's it. I just need more time.'

12 October 1982 But How Can I When They're So Beautiful?

*Feathers is gonna freak out if Maggie goes and he can't go,' Nat said as Nathan parked the car off the roadway in the dirt.

*I still think we should leave him in the car. He's not a trained hunting dog. He'll scare the ducks away.'

*He'll probably bark or howl the whole time.'

*It hardly matters. No one lives within miles of here.'

*OK,' Nat said, and reached into the back seat to pat the dog's head. *You heard him, boy. Maggie comes, you stay.'

Nathan stepped out of the car and took both shotguns from the floor of the back seat. He looked up to see Nat standing beside him in the pre-dawn dark.

*I know,' Nat said. *Check the safety. Plus carry the gun so it's not pointing at anything. Like ahead and down at the ground. Just to be double-safe.'

*That's some pretty good remembering,' Nathan said, handing him one of the shotguns.

*Depends on whether I'm trying.'

They set off down the trail to the lake together, by flashlight, Maggie bounding ahead. Nathan could hear the plaintive howls of Feathers, abandoned in the car.

He waited to see if Nat would stop at the spot, or respond to passing it in any way.

He saw Nat miss one step as they passed the tree in question. But that was all.

They crouched behind the blind together, in the freezing morning, perfectly silent and perfectly still. Nathan was aware of Maggie nearly trembling in her readiness.

He listened until he heard the sound of beating wings in the distance.

*Hear that?' he whispered near Nat's ear.

Nat nodded.

*When they come in and land on the lake, I'm going to fire on one. When I do, they'll all rise up into the air again. I'll take one more if I can. That's the time for you to try a shot.'

The mallards came into view, nearly filling the dawn sky. Maybe seventy-five of them touched down on the water, their wings open for landing. It was just light enough to see the full color on the bright teal-green heads of the drakes.

Nathan rose slightly, steadied himself, and squeezed off a shot, feeling the familiar kick of the shotgun butt against his right shoulder.

The ducks rose from the water as if they were one huge, multi-faceted body. Nathan could hear their webbed feet beating the surface of the lake as they took a running step or two before achieving flight. He aimed one more time. Squeezed off another shot.

He heard Maggie hit the water.

He did not hear Nat fire his shotgun.

They stood watching as Maggie swam to retrieve the first duck.

*She's old for this,' Nat said. *Huh?'

*Very. She's nearly fourteen. I should have retired her years ago. But she's still in good shape. And she loves her work so much. I can't bring myself to break her heart.'

Nathan vacillated over whether or not to mention Nat's absence of a shot. Was Nat concerned about his motor skills? But they had practiced how Nat would hold the gun. And the practise session had appeared to go well enough.

He decided against mentioning it.

Maggie brought the first duck ashore, a big drake, and gently laid it at Nathan's feet. Then she dove back into the water for the second bird.

Nat squatted over the dead animal. Stroked the bright green feathers of its neck and head.

*It's so beautiful,' he said.

*Yes,' Nathan said. *They're a lovely bird.'

*Is it OK if I can't bring myself to shoot one?'

*Of course it is.'

*I'm not saying it's wrong that you do. And I know it's stupid to get you to bring me all the way out here. But I didn't know how I'd feel about it. You know. Until I tried.'

*Pulling the trigger on a living being is a very personal decision. If you're not a hundred per cent right with it, I don't suggest you do.'

*I'm sorry, Nathan.'

*You don't have to be sorry.'

Maggie laid the second duck on Nathan's foot, a more subtly colored hen, and Nat stroked it as he had the first.

*I'm still glad we got to go hunting together,' Nat said.

*Yes,' Nathan replied. *That would be the more important thing.'

*Is that the shotgun?' Nat asked as they walked along the trail back to the car. *The one your grandfather gave you?'

Nat carried the canvas sack of ducks slung over his shoulder, and his borrowed shotgun, leaving Nathan to carry only his own gun.

*It is.'

*So you finally got it back from evidence.'

*Finally. It took me nearly a year and more than half a dozen requests. But it's back.'

*If I had known that one was more important, I'd have taken one of the other ones.'

Nathan did not reply. How exactly would one reply to a statement like that, about which of your guns someone should have stolen to commit armed robbery?

*I can't believe I put you through all that crap,' Nat said.

*You put yourself through a lot more.'

*Yeah. But I can see how I could do all that crap to myself. I just have no idea why I would do it to you.'

Nat pushed back from the table and wiped his mouth on his napkin.