His phone buzzes again.

I hesitate, because he must have received four or five texts by now and I can't think of anyone who would keep texting him. Anyone but Maddie.

Lewis and Josh will be home in half an hour or so. I can ask him about the texts then. Maybe it will be a good thing, to hash it out. To put the whole Maddie debacle to rest, because not talking isn't the answer. I don't have to look at the texts now. I turn back to wipe the kitchen table, and the phone buzzes behind me like an angry insect. How many texts is she sending, I think in a combination of anger, irritation, and fear. Because I know it is Maddie. I have no doubts.

I last another ten minutes, with the phone buzzing intermittently, before I finally stride to it, snatch it up, and swipe the screen. I know Lewis's password; he's given it to me, so I can check his phone when we're driving or he's left it somewhere. We've never had secrets from each other, not like that. Not before Maddie, anyway.

I stare down at the texts Maddie has sent, the words blurring in front of my eyes.

I miss you so much. I feel like you're the only person who has ever understood me. I know Ben loves you too. You're the dad he's never had. When we're together I pretend we're a family. I think you do too, at least a little. I love you and I think you would love me, if you'd let yourself. I think we could be a family, the three of us. Joanna isn't right for you. I think you realize that.

I hurl the phone away from me, but the words, all those awful words, are burned onto my brain. The level of involvement, of intimacy, that they suggest is horrifying. It is so much worse than I let myself fear. And what if it's all true?

My mind is still spinning as, seconds later, the front door opens and Josh and Lewis come into the apartment.

Lewis sees me first, and he frowns as he takes in the fact that I am standing in the center of the room, my chest heaving, my face wild.

"Joanna...?"

"Your phone." The words come out of me like bullets. I point to the floor where I threw it. The screen, I notice, has shattered.

Slowly Lewis closes the door behind him. "Okay."

Josh is staring at both of us, his eyes wide, and I force myself to get under control, for his sake. Deep breath, and my voice comes out almost even. "How was the movie?"

"Fine." Lewis is looking at me strangely, and Josh is still wide-eyed.

"Josh, why don't you get your pajamas on." I turn away, a shudder going through me. I don't trust the expression on my face.

"Go on, buddy," Lewis says. "I'll come read to you in a minute."

I hear Josh go, his door close. My breath comes out in a rush.

"Jo, what's going on?" Lewis asks quietly.

"Check your phone." Another shudder runs through me as he crosses the room and picks up the phone. His face tightens as he scrolls through the texts but he says nothing. He denies nothing.

And I am done with silence.

"So." My voice is loud, like a whip crack. "When were you going to tell me?"

Lewis glances up at me warily. "Tell you what?"

"About you and Maddie. That she loves you. That she thinks I'm not right for you. That she wants you to be a family, the three of you."

"Jo, I told you, nothing happened between Maddie and me."

I point a shaking finger at the phone. "Then what the hell is that?"

"She's lonely and confused," Lewis begins and I let out a wild laugh.

"Lewis, are you going to pretend that nothing happened even now? I've met Maddie. I know Maddie. She's not that deluded. She's picturing the three of you-the three of you-as a family!" All my old fears are crowding me, shrieking in my ear. "Where am I in that picture, Lewis? Where is Josh?"

My voice rings out and I hear a sound, an awful sound, a strangled cry. I whirl around and see Josh standing in the doorway of his bedroom, his mouth open, his eyes dark and wide.

"Josh..." I begin, gulping back tears. "Josh..."

He doesn't look at me. He turns to glare at Lewis, his thin body trembling with emotion. "I saw you," he says clearly. "I saw you with her. Laughing, while we were playing the Xbox."

"Of course you did, Josh," Lewis says steadily, his face pale. "We were all there together."

"Ben saw you," Josh says. "He saw you kissing. That's what he told me up on the rocks."

I see Lewis's features contort but then he says quietly, "It was a mistake, Josh-"

"He told me that you were going to be his dad. He said you would all live together. He was so happy. I didn't want to believe him-"

"Josh," Lewis says, his voice choked. "I never..."

"That's why I pushed him," Josh cuts him off. "I didn't want that." He turns to me, his expression imploring. "I knew you didn't want that."

"No, of course not," I say, tripping over the words, anxiety clawing in my chest, "but Josh, Ben was only pretending. He was just wishing that, because he likes Dad so much."

Josh glances pointedly at the phone, and then back at me. "But it is true, isn't it?" he says. He doesn't wait for us to answer. "It is true. I heard you. I heard what Maddie said." He turns to me. "And you believe her."

"I-" My mouth opens and closes soundlessly. "Josh, I-"

He glares at Lewis. "You like Ben. You like him better than me. Because he's good at things."

"Josh, no, that is not true," Lewis says. He looks near tears. "I love you-"

"I thought things were going to be okay," he says, his voice rising. He turns to me. "You told me they would be."

"They will be okay, Josh-"

"I just wanted things to be okay," he says, and his voice breaks. "For you. For us. But..." He stares at us, helpless, angry, grief-stricken, and Lewis and I scramble to make it better.

"Josh, it is okay," Lewis says quickly but Josh shakes his head.

"No. No, it isn't. It never will be." And without another word he turns around and sprints into his room. We both hear him locking the door behind him.

Lewis starts to go after him. "Leave him," I say. "For a minute." I take a deep breath. "Just for a minute, while we think what to do. How to handle this." Because I don't think we get a second chance.

Lewis stops, shaking his head, tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry, Jo," he said. "I never..."

His words fall into the silence. I feel utterly depleted. "The important thing is Josh now. You need to tell him...reassure him..."

"That I love him?" Lewis exclaims brokenly. "That he's my son? Of course I will. This thing with Maddie was never..."

"But it was a thing," I cut across him. "I mean, something happened between the two of you. I'm not talking about sex. But something emotionally. Something important."

"Maybe," he allows after a long moment.

I nod, accepting, weary. "We can talk about it later. Now you should go to Josh."

I sink onto the sofa while he goes down the hall to the bedroom.

Distantly I hear Lewis knock on the door, call Josh's name softly. There is no answer. He knocks again, calls again. Then I hear a flicking noise and I know Lewis is picking the lock with the Swiss Army knife he always has on him. My calm, capable husband.

I drop my head into my hands as I hear Lewis open the bedroom door. "Josh..." he begins in a reasonable voice, and then a cry escapes him, a ragged, animal sound.

I bolt upright, fear coursing through my body as I hear Lewis sobbing Josh's name. I hear a thud, an awful thud, and I start running towards the bedroom.

The sight that greets me doesn't make sense. Josh is on the floor, lifeless, his eyes closed, his face red and splotchy.

"Jo," Lewis chokes, "Call 911."

Then I see the frayed rope hanging from the light fixture...and then I see the rope around Josh's neck that Lewis is trying to cut away.

Realization slams through me, almost bringing me to my knees. I stumble back to the living room and grab Lewis's phone. I call 911 and when the dispatcher answers, I choke out, "We need an ambulance right away. My son... my son has tried to kill himself."

27.

MADDIE.

I wake up the next morning and I feel disgusting both inside and out. My cheek is stuck to the sofa pillow by drool, and I have a horrible taste in my mouth. My hair is sticking up in about sixteen different directions.

Even worse is the memory of everything I did last night. Kissing Brian. Texting Lewis. I curl up on the sofa and lie there for a few minutes, wishing I could never move again. Never have to face anyone, ever.

But I'm trying to be different, to be better, even though I keep backsliding. Last night was a major step backwards, but now I am determined to do what I can to correct it.

I shower and dress, every movement painful, making my head hurt. I'm due to visit Ben today, but first I need to talk to Brian-and Lewis.

I go down to the cafe and buy two coffees, a couple of pastries. I know Brian likes chocolate croissants. It's a blatant peace offering, but that's what I need right now.

I take it upstairs in a crisp white bag and knock on his door.

He answers on the third knock, dressed in his running gear. Spandex Man. I almost smile to see him all Lycra-ed up, but I can't quite manage it. I thrust out the bag instead.

"Coffee. And croissants. But if you're going running..." I'm giving him an out even though I don't want to. Thankfully Brian doesn't take it.

"I don't have to go now," he says, and he takes the bag and steps aside so I can come into his apartment.

He unpacks the bag as I move around the living room, trying to calm my nerves, forming words in my mind.

Silently Brian hands me one of the coffees and I cradle it between my hands.

"Look," I say, and swallow hard. "I was way out of line last night. I'm sorry." He nods, sipping his coffee, clearly waiting for me to say more. "I don't want to wreck our friendship." My face heats but I force myself to continue. "I don't have a good track record with men."

"You've mentioned that," Brian says neutrally.

"I don't mean just not doing the commitment thing." I take a sip of coffee and burn my tongue. "I mean..." I don't want to tell him this. There's no real reason why I should, and yet...

I want to come clean.

"Ben's father was married," I blurt. I can see Brian struggling to keep his face neutral. "We never actually...well, we never actually met. He lived in this building, on the floor above mine. Ours. We used to chat in the elevator..." I stop, not wanting to explain it all. And why should I? This doesn't have anything to do with Brian and me. And yet, of course, I know that it's a lie. It has everything to do with Brian and me. With everything that has happened.

"And one night, when I was coming home from work, it turned into something..." I gulp. "He stopped the elevator and we...well, you know what we did." I look away, not wanting to see the revulsion on Brian's face. "I didn't even know his name. But in that moment I just...I just wanted someone." I draw a quick breath. "It happened three times. Just like...well. Always the same. I think he got off on the...the naughtiness of it." Everything in me is cringing and curling up in shame. "And then I found out I was pregnant. I went to talk to him... I knew what floor he was on. And... I saw him with his wife. His pregnant wife. They were moving out to a bigger apartment, for the baby. So I never told him." I let out a breath. "It didn't seem fair to him, to saddle him with it, when he had his whole life and we've never had..." I stop. "The reason I'm telling you this is because I'm...well, I've been messed up, especially when it comes to men. I'm always trying to find someone who will care about me, but at the same time I don't want to leave myself room to be rejected. And so I pick men who are unattainable. Married. But besides that one...with Ben's father, I've never actually had an affair." As if that makes it all okay. Understandable. Innocent. "And with you... I know we're just friends. I wasn't... I just wanted..." I trail off miserably, and Brian sighs.

"I think I understand, Maddie."

"I'm sorry. You've been such a good friend to me, and I've screwed it up." I shake my head, genuinely angry with myself now. "I screw everything up."

"No, you don't."

I think about those desperate texts to Lewis. What on earth is he going to make of them? "Pretty close, though," I mutter.

"It's okay."

I glance up at him, daring to hope. "Do you really mean that? You're not going to avoid me and pretend you don't know me in the elevator?"

A blush touches Brian's cheeks. "Well, I don't think I'll be able to think about elevators the same way again."

I laugh. I actually laugh. "Please, please just scrub those images from your mind."

"I'll try."

I shake my head slowly. "I haven't had a lot of friends in my life, Brian."

"I kind of figured that out."

"Is it obvious?"

"The point is I want to be your friend. I mean that."