Todd reached for the phone. A lawyer. Suddenly the situation came rushing back to me. Todd was being accused and all I had to do was say what really happened and everything would go away. What would he say if he found out I knew all along? What would Joann say if I confessed I'd been at the Barn with Colin? Suddenly the room felt too small. I swallowed, my throat feeling tight. I reached up and touched my mouth. Todd was mumbling on the phone. He had a smear of my lip gloss on the side of his mouth.

I took a quick step back. Todd looked over, surprised.

I shook my head no. Todd c.o.c.ked an eyebrow and held up a finger, wanting me to wait. I knew if he talked to me I was going to have to tell him everything, and I couldn't.

"Sorry," I whispered, and bolted out the back door.

21.

It seems like as soon as I think things couldn't get any worse, you take that as a challenge. For the record, could you just try leaving me alone? I seem to be perfectly capable of s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g up my own life without you making things worse. Before you say anything-please don't point out that the majority of problems are of my own making-that doesn't help. You're G.o.d, after all-you parted the Red Sea. I have to think that if you wanted to be more helpful to me, you could.

The instant I walked in the door to my house, it was clear that instead of going over to Todd's, I should have gone into some kind of witness protection program. My mom was sitting at the kitchen table. Not eating or drinking. Not reading or watching TV. Just sitting there, waiting for me to get home. It looked like her blood pressure had gone up a few valuable points.

"Hey, you're home," I said, stating the obvious. She said nothing. Just sat there, staring. No doubt thinking of new and hideous punishments to mete out. I stood there, chewing on my lower lip. This was not going to go well. I gave my mouth a swipe, trying to tell if my lip gloss was smeared up the side of my face like a giant billboard screaming, "I've been skipping school and making out!" She kept looking at me as if she was waiting for something. "How was your day?"

"How do you think it was?" She said each word clipped and hard. It struck me as one of those questions that doesn't require a response. "The police came to my office today. Then they told me they had some questions for you and that you had snuck out of school. How do you think I felt with the police at my workplace asking about your involvement in these poisonings? Did you think how that would look to the people I work with? How do you think I felt hearing that you've been sneaking off to the drive-in theater with some boy?"

"I didn't sneak off."

She stood up quickly, and I backed up a step.

"Do not play your games with me today, Emma Elizabeth Proctor. This is not a debate."

"Sorry."

My mom gave a sigh and then walked into the kitchen and turned on the water in the sink full blast. She stood facing the wall without saying a word. It wasn't clear if the discussion was over and I was free to go or not.

"I do the best I can, Emma," she said softly.

"Mom, nothing happened. I fell while I was running, and Todd gave me a ride home. We sat and talked for a bit." I decided not to mention this afternoon. No need to muddy the water. "And it's not the police, it's Kimberly's dad. Officer Ryan is on the parent advisory board. You make it sound like the FBI is involved."

"You don't think it's bad enough as it is? Kimberly's parents are concerned. I'm concerned."

"There's nothing to be concerned about."

"Did he talk about what he's done?"

"He hasn't done anything."

She spun around.

"Oh, you know that for sure?" She sat down and motioned for me to sit at the table. "Look, you've lived here almost your whole life. You believe what people tell you, because people here are honest. I was the same way when I was your age. I thought I had the world all figured out. I was going to move out of here, shake the dust off my feet, and have some kind of grand adventure. Then I moved away and discovered that not every new experience is an adventure. Do you know how scared I was when I heard you've been hanging around with this boy? He could have hurt you."

"You believe Todd is some kind of lying, murdering rapist because he's not from around here? Of course instead of picking some usual way of acting out he's going to take out the popular girls one at a time using the dreaded home chemistry set. You're like everyone else. Just because he's different, he must be the one. If I'm not part of the pod, then you're not happy."

"No, Emma, I'm not judging Todd, but he's clearly got some issues that he has to get sorted out."

"What issues? You don't even know him!"

"Things were found in his possession, Emma." She paused. "Dangerous things."

"Like what?"

"He had several violent video games."

"Mom, they sell that stuff at Wal-Mart. Video games are not the great evil. They aren't even illegal."

"I know you want to protect this boy. Maybe you like him. Maybe you feel like he's the only one who understands you, and because he told you he had nothing to do with all of this, you want to believe it. I don't know if he drugged those girls or not. That's for the school to investigate, but until they do, you aren't going to see him or talk to him. Is that clear?"

"Are you kidding me? I'm graduating in a few months and you're going to tell me who I can hang out with and who I can't? I don't believe Todd's innocent just because he told me he didn't have anything to do with it. In fact, we've never even talked about it at all."

I swallowed. My throat felt tight and closed. This was it; it was time to come clean. I looked down at the table.

"Kimberly wasn't poisoned. She took the drugs herself."

"What?"

"I saw her. She was at a party, and she took a bunch of stuff. She was throwing up outside. She and Darci came up with the story about her being poisoned to cover up for the fact that they snuck out to go to the Barn. As far as everyone else, I don't know what's going on with them, but I think they're just flipping out." I said everything in a rush, the words spilling out faster and faster. It actually felt good to confess. My mom was quiet; she just looked at me for a long time.

"And you're saying this all happened last Friday," she said.

I nodded.

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying."

"You were home that night, Emma. It was the night we had a fight and you ran off to your room."

"I snuck out."

"Emma, stop it. I looked in on you before I went to my room. You were asleep in your bed. I don't know if you think this story is helping Todd, but the whole thing is only going to make the situation worse."

I stood there with my mouth wide open. She didn't believe me. I was telling the truth and she didn't believe a word of it.

"I'm not lying. I'm telling the truth."

"Okay, that's it." My mom stood up, wiping her hands on her pants. "I talked to Reverend Evers today about all of this, and I think he's right."

"You talked to Reverend Evers about me?"

"I don't know what to make of you lately. I've done the best I can. It isn't easy to raise a child on your own. I brought you back here to grow up where you would have a family, so that all of Wheaton could be your family. I thought I knew what to do, but I'll admit I don't know what to do with you now."

"Why do you have to do anything with me?"

"This discussion is at an end. You're going to be spending the afternoons with Reverend Evers. He's got some things you can do at the church to help him. You're going to do that until this has sorted itself out. You need to get your focus back onto what's important."

"I can't go to the church in the afternoons. I've got track."

"No, you don't."

Everything in the room froze. There wasn't a sound. My lungs felt trapped, pinned down; I couldn't pull in a breath.

Mom stood up and moved back to the counter. She started wiping down the counters, as if Lysol could clean up all of our problems. "I called Coach Attley. You're off the team for right now. We'll re-evaluate the situation in another week or so," she said quietly.

"You can't pull me off the team." I looked around the room, as if a lifeboat would suddenly appear and pull me to safety. "The scholarship committee will be looking at my times. Missing any meets could blow my chances at getting a full ride." I grabbed her hand and held on to it. I was crying. "Mom, you know how important this is to me. You can't do this."

"The easy thing isn't the same as the right thing."

"You have to be joking. You can't!" My mind raced in circles. Track was the only thing going well this year. If Northwestern didn't see good times, they might give their scholarship dollars to someone else. s.h.i.t. s.h.i.t. s.h.i.t.

"This isn't up for discussion. I've made up my mind. You're off the team. You'll be spending the afternoons at church."

"And if it means that I lose my chance?"

"Life isn't about one chance. If you miss this one, you'll have another. I know you don't believe that right now, but you're going to have to trust me. I have to do what I think is best, and this is it." I opened my mouth, but she shook her head, cutting me off before I could get out a word. "I'm going back to work."

She walked out of the room without another word. It seemed that there should be something else to mark the occasion. Thunder. Lightning. But there was nothing. It turns out when everything you've wanted in your life comes to an end, the only sound it makes is the click of the front door closing behind your mother.

22.

G.o.d, in the Bible there's the story of Job. Apparently you and the devil had a bet that no matter how lousy you were to Job, he wouldn't turn against you. Then you proceeded to make his life a living h.e.l.l. I'm thinking Job might have been some kind of slow learner, or else he was taking some kind of early Prozac, because he was way too mellow when his life was falling apart. I am not handling things nearly as well. If this is another bet with Satan, I should warn you that you might lose this round.

I stood in the cafeteria line, trying to breathe through my mouth so I didn't have to smell what they were serving. I had forgotten my lunch on the kitchen counter, which was just one more thing that was going wrong in my life. The long list of things going wrong.

"It could be worse," Joann said, giving her sock elastic a yank.

"How could it be worse? I'm off the track team and I have to spend my free time with Reverend Evers."

"Your mom could have grounded you from everything, not just track."

"What everything? It isn't like my social life is exactly br.i.m.m.i.n.g over these days."

"What about Todd?"

"What about Todd?"

"Nothing, I just thought maybe you guys would be hanging out." Joann didn't meet my eyes. She shuffled forward in line, looking out over the cafeteria.

"Why would you think that?"

"I don't know. Colin and I were talking about it, and he thought you guys would get along-you know, make a good couple."

"So now Colin is Mr. Relationship Expert?" I gave a snort.

"Well, don't be all mad at me, you asked." Joann stretched her neck, trying to see what the lunch ladies were serving. "Can you tell what they're having? I'm starving."

"You must be feeling better if you're hungry for anything they make here."

Joann stopped in line and looked me straight in the eye, her chin thrust up like a challenge.

"I went home yesterday and had the doctor check me out. I'm feeling fine now."

"Good." We stared each other down for a beat and then started shuffling forward again. So much for clearing the air on the pa.s.sing-out issue. No wonder I have no social life, I can't even make it through a lunch period without ticking off my best friend. I tried changing the conversation.

"I heard you and Colin were nominated for the king and queen thing for the dance. That's cool."

"I know! I couldn't believe it. It never even occurred to me that we'd be nominated. Of course anyone can be nominated, it doesn't mean we'll make the court or anything."

"Well, you'll get my vote."

"Were you ticked?"

"About what?"

Joann's face went blank, her eyes wide. I've known her for far too long. There's no way she is even capable of keeping a secret.

"What would I be ticked about?" I asked again.

"It's nothing."

"Joann."

"I heard someone nominated you and Todd."

"Nice."

"I'm sure it was just a joke."

"Ha ha. The humor in this place kills me."

"Mr. Karp took your names off the list," Joann said.

"That hardly seems fair. What if we sweep the elections?"

"Todd can't win, he's suspended."