Rest assured, all symptoms that don't go away during pregnancy will disappear soon after delivery, though you may find that others crop up postpartum. And don't stress out if you don't have a single sick-or queasy or achy-day during your wife's pregnancy. Not suffering from morning sickness or putting on weight doesn't mean you don't empathize and identify with your spouse or that you're not destined for nurturing-just that you've found other ways to express your feelings. Every expectant father, like every expectant mother, is different.

Feeling Left Out "I hardly feel I have anything to do with the pregnancy, now that conception's out of the way."

Many fathers-to-be feel like they're on the outside looking in, and that's not surprising. After all, mom's the one getting all the attention (from friends, from family, from the practitioner). She's the one with the physical connection to the baby (and the belly to back it up). You know you're about to become a father, but you don't have much to show for it now.

Not to worry. Just because the pregnancy's not taking place in your body doesn't mean you can't share it. Don't wait for an invitation to get you off the bench. Your spouse has a lot on her mind (and a lot to get off her chest), and it's up to you to get into the game. Open up to her about feeling shut out, and ask her to let you in. She might not even realize she's excluding you from the pregnancy, or she may think you're not particularly interested in it.

But also remember, the best way to keep from feeling left out is to step up to the plate and get involved. Here's how: [image] Be a prenatal regular. Whenever you can (and if you're not already), join her at her practitioner checkups. She'll appreciate the moral support, but you'll appreciate the chance to hear the practitioner's instructions for yourself (so you can help her follow them better-and help her remember them if pregnancy forgetfulness leaves her in a fog). Plus you'll get to ask all those questions you have. The visits will also give you much-needed insight into the miraculous changes going on in your spouse's body. Best of all, you'll get to experience those momentous milestones with her (hearing the heartbeat, seeing those tiny limbs on ultrasound). Be a prenatal regular. Whenever you can (and if you're not already), join her at her practitioner checkups. She'll appreciate the moral support, but you'll appreciate the chance to hear the practitioner's instructions for yourself (so you can help her follow them better-and help her remember them if pregnancy forgetfulness leaves her in a fog). Plus you'll get to ask all those questions you have. The visits will also give you much-needed insight into the miraculous changes going on in your spouse's body. Best of all, you'll get to experience those momentous milestones with her (hearing the heartbeat, seeing those tiny limbs on ultrasound).

Resources for Dads Expectant fathers are just as hungry for reassurance, support, information, and empathy as expectant mothers. Here are some places you can turn to, both during pregnancy andonce you're a fullfledged dad: whattoexpect.com; fathermag.com; fathersforum.com; fatherville.com; bcnd.org.

[image]Act pregnant. You don't have to show up for work in a baby-on-board T-shirt or start sporting a milk mustache. But you can be a true partner in pregnancy: Exercise with her (it'll tone you up, too); take a pass on the alcohol (it's much easier for her to toe the teetotaling line when she has a comrade-in-club-soda); eat well (at least when you're around her); and if you smoke, quit (permanently, since secondhand smoke isn't good for anyone-especially your baby).[image] Get an education. Even dads with advanced degrees (including those with MDs) have a lot to learn when it comes to pregnancy, childbirth, and baby care, just as moms do the first time. Read books and magazines; visit websites. Attend childbirth classes together; attend classes for fathers, if they're available locally. Chat up friends and colleagues who've become new fathers recently or chat with other pregnant dads online. Get an education. Even dads with advanced degrees (including those with MDs) have a lot to learn when it comes to pregnancy, childbirth, and baby care, just as moms do the first time. Read books and magazines; visit websites. Attend childbirth classes together; attend classes for fathers, if they're available locally. Chat up friends and colleagues who've become new fathers recently or chat with other pregnant dads online.[image] Make contact with your baby. A pregnant woman may have the edge in bonding with the unborn baby because it's comfortably ensconced in her uterus, but that doesn't mean you can't start getting to know the new family member, too. Make contact with your baby. A pregnant woman may have the edge in bonding with the unborn baby because it's comfortably ensconced in her uterus, but that doesn't mean you can't start getting to know the new family member, too.

Talk, read, sing to your baby frequently; a fetus can hear from about the end of the sixth month on, and hearing your voice often now will help your newborn recognize it after delivery. Enjoy baby's kicks and squirms by resting your hand or your cheek on your wife's bare belly for a few minutes each night. It's a nice way to get close to her, too.

[image] Shop for a layette, and a crib, and a stroller with your partner. Decorate the nursery together. Pore over baby-name books. Attend consultations with prospective baby doctors. In general, become active in every aspect of planning and preparing for the baby's arrival. Shop for a layette, and a crib, and a stroller with your partner. Decorate the nursery together. Pore over baby-name books. Attend consultations with prospective baby doctors. In general, become active in every aspect of planning and preparing for the baby's arrival.[image] Consider taking off. Start looking into your company's paternity-leave policy. This way, you'll be sure not to be left out of all the fun after the baby is born. Consider taking off. Start looking into your company's paternity-leave policy. This way, you'll be sure not to be left out of all the fun after the baby is born.

Sex "Ever since my wife's became pregnant, she's been really oversexed. Is that normal (not that I'm complaining)? Is it safe to have sex so often?"

The rumors are true: Some women really can't get enough when they're expecting. And for good reason. Your wife's genitals are swollen with hormones and blood now that she's pregnant, leaving the nerves down below set on tingle mode. Other parts are swollen, too (you might have noticed), including places (such as those breasts and hips) that can make a woman feel more womanly than ever-and more sensually charged. All of which is normal (as is feeling less in the mood, which many women feel, too)-safe, also, as long as the practitioner has given the sex go-ahead.

Expectant Sex Explained Sure, you've done it before. But have you done it pregnancy-style? Though the basic rules of the game apply when you're expecting, you'll find that pregnant sex requires a few adjustments, a little finessing, and a lot of flexibility-literally. Here are some suggestions to get you going in the right direction:[image] Wait for the green light. She was hot to trot yesterday, but today she's cold as ice to your advances? As a pregnant woman's moods swing, so does her sex drive. You'll have to learn to swing along (and to hold on tight). Wait for the green light. She was hot to trot yesterday, but today she's cold as ice to your advances? As a pregnant woman's moods swing, so does her sex drive. You'll have to learn to swing along (and to hold on tight).[image] Warm her up before you start your own engine. This may go without saying (always), but it's a must when she's expecting. Go as slowly as she needs you to, making sure she's fully charged on foreplay before you hit the road. Warm her up before you start your own engine. This may go without saying (always), but it's a must when she's expecting. Go as slowly as she needs you to, making sure she's fully charged on foreplay before you hit the road.[image] Stop for directions. The road map of what feels good and what doesn't may have changed (even since last week), so don't rely on possibly outdated directions. Always ask before going in. You may need to tread especially lightly when it comes to those supersize breasts. Though they may have swelled to heart-quickening proportions, they can be tender to even the gentlest touch, especially in the first trimester. Which means you may have to look but not touch for a while. Stop for directions. The road map of what feels good and what doesn't may have changed (even since last week), so don't rely on possibly outdated directions. Always ask before going in. You may need to tread especially lightly when it comes to those supersize breasts. Though they may have swelled to heart-quickening proportions, they can be tender to even the gentlest touch, especially in the first trimester. Which means you may have to look but not touch for a while.[image] Put her in the driver's seat. Choose positions with her comfort in mind. A top pregnancy favorite is her on top, since she can control penetration best this way. Another is her facing away on her side (spooning each other). And when her belly starts getting between you, get around it creatively: Try it from behind with her on her knees or sitting on your lap while you lie down. Put her in the driver's seat. Choose positions with her comfort in mind. A top pregnancy favorite is her on top, since she can control penetration best this way. Another is her facing away on her side (spooning each other). And when her belly starts getting between you, get around it creatively: Try it from behind with her on her knees or sitting on your lap while you lie down.[image] Be prepared for rerouting. All roads aren't leading to intercourse? Find alternate paths to pleasure that you both can enjoy-masturbation, oral sex, two-way massage. Be prepared for rerouting. All roads aren't leading to intercourse? Find alternate paths to pleasure that you both can enjoy-masturbation, oral sex, two-way massage.

So be there for the taking whenever she's in the mood to grab you. Feel lucky that you're getting lucky so often. But always take your cues from her, especially now. Proceed with seduction if she's up for it and into it, but don't go without the green light.

Though some women are in the mood throughout their nine months, others find that the party doesn't get started until the second trimester; still others find desire spikes in the second, only to dip in the third. So be ready to roll with her changing sexual agenda when she goes from turned on to turned off in 60 seconds (frustrating, possibly, but completely normal). Keep in mind, too, that there will be some logistical challenges in mid- to late pregnancy as her body goes from two-seater to semi.

"I find my wife incredibly sexy now. But she hasn't been in the mood since the day we found out we were pregnant."

Even couples who have always been in sexual sync can find themselves suddenly out of step in the sack once they're expecting. That's because so many factors, both physical and emotional, can affect sexual desire, pleasure, and performance during pregnancy. Your libido may be getting a lift just from liking what you see; many men find the roundness, fullness, and ripeness of the pregnant form surprisingly sensual, even extra erotic. Or your lust may be fueled by affection; the fact that you're expecting a baby together may have deepened your already strong feelings for your wife, arousing even greater passions.

But just as your sexual overdrive is both understandable and normal, so is her decreased drive. It could be that pregnancy symptoms have leveled her libido (it's not so easy to lose yourself in the moment when you're busy losing your lunch, or to get hot when you're bothered by backache and swollen ankles, or to get it on when you barely have the energy to get up), particularly in those uncomfortable first and third trimesters. Or that she's as turned off by her new roundness as you are turned on by it (what you see as a sexy round bottom, she may see as a big fat ass). Or that she's preoccupied with all things baby and/or having a hard time blending the roles of mother and lover.

When she's not in the mood (even if she's never never in the mood), don't take it personally. Try, try, again another time, but always be a good sport while you're waiting for your ship to come in. Accept those "not now's" and those "don't touch there's" with an understanding smile and a hug that lets her know you love her even when you can't show it the way you'd like to. Remember, she's got a lot going on in her mind (and in her body) right now, and it's a safe bet that your sexual needs aren't front and center on her plate. in the mood), don't take it personally. Try, try, again another time, but always be a good sport while you're waiting for your ship to come in. Accept those "not now's" and those "don't touch there's" with an understanding smile and a hug that lets her know you love her even when you can't show it the way you'd like to. Remember, she's got a lot going on in her mind (and in her body) right now, and it's a safe bet that your sexual needs aren't front and center on her plate.

There's definitely a possibility that your patience will pay off, most likely in the second trimester, when some women get their sexual groove back. Even if your sex life doesn't perk up then or if it drops off again in the third trimester (because of an increase in her fatigue or back pain or because of that growing basketball belly) or in the postpartum period (when neither one of you is likely to be much in the mood), don't worry. Nurturing the other aspects of your relationship (making that love connection without actually making love) will ensure that you'll eventually be able to pick up where you left off sexually.

In the meantime, don't push your sexual agenda, but do step up the romance, communication, and cuddling. Not only will these bring you closer together, but because they're powerful aphrodisiacs for many women, they may just bring you what you're craving. When one thing does lead to another, make sure you proceed with care and caution (see box, page 477 page 477) And don't forget to tell your partner-often-how sexy and attractive you find the pregnant her. Women may be intuitive, but they're not mind readers.

"Now that we're expecting, I just don't seem very interested in sex. Is this normal?"

Expectant fathers, like expectant mothers, can experience a wide range of reactions when it comes to their pregnancy libidos-some of them bewildering, and all of them normal. And there are plenty of good reasons why your sex drive may be in a slump now. Perhaps you and your spouse worked so conscientiously at conception that sex suddenly feels too much like hard work. Maybe you're so focused on the baby and on becoming a dad that your sexual side is taking a backseat. Or the changes in your spouse's body are taking some getting used to (especially because they're an in-your-face reminder of how your life and relationship are also changing). Or fear that you'll hurt her or your baby during sex (you won't) has sent your mojo into hiding. Or it could be a hang-up thing-the hang-up being that you've never made love to a mother before (even though that mother happens to be a woman you've always enjoyed making love to). Or it could be the weirdness factor that's keeping you down: Getting close to your pregnant spouse might mean getting too close for comfort to your baby during a decidedly adult activity (even though baby's completely oblivious). The normal hormonal changes that expectant fathers experience can also slow them sexually.

Confusing these conflicted feelings even more could be miscommunication: You think she's not interested, so you subconsciously put your urges on ice. She thinks you're not interested, so she gives desire a cold shower.

Try to focus less on the quantity of sex in your relationship and more on the quality of the intimacy you're sharing. Less may not be more, but it can still be fulfilling. You might even find that stepping up the other kinds of intimacy-the hand-holding, the unexpected hugs, the confiding of your feelings-might put you both more in the mood for lovemaking. Don't be surprised, too, if your libido gets a boost once both of you have adjusted to the emotional and physical changes of pregnancy.

It's also possible that your sexual slowdown will continue throughout the nine months-and beyond, too. After all, even couples who can't get enough while they're expecting find that their sex lives can come to a screeching halt once there's a baby in the house, at least for the first couple of months. All of this is fine-and all of it is temporary. Meanwhile, make sure the nurturing of your baby doesn't interfere with the care and feeding of your relationship. Put romance on the table regularly (and while you're at it, put some candles there, too, plus a dinner you cooked up while she was napping). Surprise her with flowers or a sexy negligee (they make them for expectant moms, too). Suggest a moonlit stroll or hot cocoa and cuddles on the couch. Share your feelings and fears, and encourage her to share hers. Keep the hugs and kisses coming (and coming ... and coming). You'll both stay warm while you're waiting for things to heat up again.

Also be sure that your wife knows that your lack of libido has nothing to do with her physically or emotionally. Expectant moms can suffer a crumbling of confidence when it comes to their pregnant body image, particularly as those pounds start piling on. Letting her know (often, through words and touch) that she's more attractive to you than ever will help keep her from taking your drop in sexual interest personally.

For more tips on enjoying sex more when you're doing it less, see page 260 page 260.

"Even though the doctor told us that sex is safe during pregnancy, I have trouble following through because I'm afraid of hurting my wife or the baby."

Plenty of fathers-to-be confront that very same fear factor when it comes to expectant lovemaking. And that's not surprising. It's only natural to put your expectant wife and baby-to-be first and to try to protect them at all costs (including at the cost of your pleasure).

But fear not, and take it from the practitioner. If he or she has green-lighted sexual intercourse during pregnancy (and most of the time, that's exactly what'll happen), sex is completely safe up to delivery. Your baby is way out of your reach (even for the particularly gifted), well secured and sealed off in its uterine home, impervious to harm, unable to view or be aware of the proceedings, and perfectly oblivious to what's going on when you're getting it on. Even those mild contractions your spouse might feel after orgasm are nothing to worry about, since they're not the kind that triggers premature labor in a normal pregnancy. In fact, research shows that low-risk women who stay sexually active during pregnancy are actually less likely to deliver early. And not only will making love to your wife do her no harm, but it can do her a world of good by filling her increased needs for physical and emotional closeness, and by letting her know that she's desired at a time when she may be feeling her least desirable. Though you should proceed with care (take your cues from her and keep her needs top priority), you can certainly proceed-and feel good about it.

Still concerned? Let her know. Remember, open and honest communication about everything, including sex, is the best policy.

Pregnancy Dreams "I've been having the strangest dreams lately-and I'm not sure what to make of them."

So your dream life has been more interesting than your real life these days? You've got lots of company. For just about all expectant mothers and fathers, pregnancy is a time of intense feelings, feelings that run the roller coaster from joyful anticipation to panic-stricken anxiety and back again. It's not surprising that many of these feelings find their way into dreams, where the subconscious can act them out and work them through safely. Dreams about sex, for instance, might be your subconscious telling you what you probably already know: You're worried about how pregnancy and having a baby is affecting and will continue to affect your sex life. Not only are such fears normal, they're valid. Acknowledging that your relationship is in for some changes now that baby's making three is the first step in making sure your twosome stays cozy.

R-rated dreams are most common in early pregnancy. Later on, you may notice a family theme in your dreams. You may dream about your parents or grandparents as your subconscious attempts to link past generations to the future one. You may dream about being a child again, which may express an understandable fear of the responsibilities to come and a longing for the carefree years of the past. You may even dream about being pregnant yourself, which may express sympathy for the load your spouse is carrying, jealousy of the attention she's getting, or just a desire to connect with your unborn baby. Dreams about dropping the baby or forgetting to strap your newborn into the car seat can express your insecurities about becoming a father (the same insecurities every expectant parent shares). Uncharacteristically macho dreams-scoring a touchdown or driving a race car-can communicate the subconscious fear that becoming a nurturer will chip away at your manliness. The flip side of your subconscious may also get equal time (sometimes even in the same night); dreaming about taking care of your baby helps prepare you for your new role as doting dad. Dreams about loneliness and being left out are extremely common; these speak to those feelings of exclusion that so many expectant fathers experience.

Not all of your dreams will express anxiety, of course. Some dreams-of being handed or finding a baby, of baby showers or family strolls through the park-show how excited you are about the imminent arrival. (You'll find more dream themes on page 291 page 291.)

It's Your Hormones (Really) Think just because you're a guy you're immune to the hormonal swings usually reserved for females? Think again. Research has revealed that expectant and new dads experience a drop in their testosterone levels and an increase in the hormone estradiol-a female sex hormone. It's speculated that this shift in hormones, which is actually common across the animal kingdom, turns up the tenderness in males. It may also contribute to some pretty strange and surprising pregnancy-like symptoms in fathers-to-be, including food cravings, queasiness, weight gain, and mood swings. What's more, it may keep dad's libido in check (often a good thing, since a raging sex drive can sometimes be inconvenient during pregnancy-and definitely when there's a new baby in the house). Hormone levels typically return to normal within three to six months, bringing with them an end to those pseudo pregnancy symptoms-and a return to libido business as usual (though not necessarily to sex life as usual until baby's sleeping through the night).

One thing is for sure: You're not dreaming alone. Expectant mothers (for the same reasons) are subject to strange dreams, too-plus the hormones make them even more vivid. Sharing dreams with each other in the morning can be an intimate, enlightening, and therapeutic ritual, as long as you don't take them too seriously. After all, they're just dreams.

Surviving Her Mood Swings "I've heard about mood swings during pregnancy, but I wasn't prepared for this. One day she's up, the next day she's down, and I can't seem to do anything right."

Welcome to the wonderful-and sometimes wacky-world of pregnancy hormones. Wonderful because they're working hard to nurture the tiny life that's taken up residence inside your spouse's belly (and that you'll soon be cuddling in your arms). Wacky because, in addition to taking control of her body (and often making her miserable), they're also taking control of her mind-making her weepy, over-the-top excited, disproportionately pissed, deliriously happy, and stressed out ... and that's all before lunch.

Not surprisingly, an expectant mom's mood swings are usually the most pronounced during the first trimester when those pregnancy hormones are in their greatest state of flux (and when she's just getting used to them). But even once the hormones have settled down in the second and third trimesters, you can still expect to be riding the emotional roller coaster with your spouse, which will continue to take her to emotional highs and lows (and fuel those occasional outbursts) right up until delivery, and beyond.

So what's an expectant dad to do? Here are some suggestions: Be patient. Pregnancy won't last forever (though there will be times in the ninth month where you both may wonder if it will). This, too, shall pass, and it'll pass a lot more pleasantly if you're patient. In the meantime, try to keep your perspective-and do whatever you can to channel your inner saint. Pregnancy won't last forever (though there will be times in the ninth month where you both may wonder if it will). This, too, shall pass, and it'll pass a lot more pleasantly if you're patient. In the meantime, try to keep your perspective-and do whatever you can to channel your inner saint.

Don't take her outbursts personally. And don't hold them against her. They are, after all, completely out of her control. Remember, it's the hormones talking-and crying for no apparent reason. Avoid pointing out her moods, too. Though she's powerless to control them, she's also probably all too aware of them. And chances are, she's no happier about them than you are. It's no picnic being pregnant. And don't hold them against her. They are, after all, completely out of her control. Remember, it's the hormones talking-and crying for no apparent reason. Avoid pointing out her moods, too. Though she's powerless to control them, she's also probably all too aware of them. And chances are, she's no happier about them than you are. It's no picnic being pregnant.

Help slow down the swings. Since low blood sugar can send her mood swinging, offer her snacks when she's starting to droop (a plate of crackers and cheese, a fruit-and-yogurt smoothie). Exercise can release those feel-good endorphins she's in need of now, so suggest a before-or after-dinner walk (also a good time to let her vent fears and anxieties that might be dragging her down). Since low blood sugar can send her mood swinging, offer her snacks when she's starting to droop (a plate of crackers and cheese, a fruit-and-yogurt smoothie). Exercise can release those feel-good endorphins she's in need of now, so suggest a before-or after-dinner walk (also a good time to let her vent fears and anxieties that might be dragging her down).

Go the extra yard. That is, go to the laundry room, to her favorite takeout on the way home from work, to the supermarket on Saturday, to the dishwasher to unload ... you get the picture. Not only will she appreciate the efforts you make-without being asked-but you'll appreciate her happier mood. That is, go to the laundry room, to her favorite takeout on the way home from work, to the supermarket on Saturday, to the dishwasher to unload ... you get the picture. Not only will she appreciate the efforts you make-without being asked-but you'll appreciate her happier mood.

Your Pregnancy Mood Swings "Ever since we got the positive pregnancy test, I seem to be feeling really down. I didn't think fathers were supposed to get depressed during pregnancy."

Fathers share a lot more than the expected bundle of joy with their partners. Long before that bundle arrives, they can share in many of the symptoms, including pregnancy mood slumps-which are surprisingly common in expectant dads. While you can't be as quick to blame your hormones as your spouse can (though men's hormones do fluctuate somewhat during pregnancy, too), it's likely that your emotional low can be linked to the host of normal but conflicted feelings-from anxiety to fear to ambivalence-that most dads-to-be (and moms-to-be) find themselves trying to work out in the months leading up to this major life change.

But you can help boost your pregnancy mood-and perhaps prevent the postpartum blues, which about 10 percent of new fathers suffer from-by: [image] Talking. Let your feelings out so they don't bring you down. Share them with your wife (and don't forget to let her share hers, too), making communication a daily ritual. Talk them over with a friend who recently became a father (no one will get it like he will) or even with your own father. Or find an outlet online-a message board for new or expectant dads. Talking. Let your feelings out so they don't bring you down. Share them with your wife (and don't forget to let her share hers, too), making communication a daily ritual. Talk them over with a friend who recently became a father (no one will get it like he will) or even with your own father. Or find an outlet online-a message board for new or expectant dads.[image] Moving. Nothing gets your mood up like getting your pulse up. Not only will a workout help you work out your feelings-or pound them out, or pump them out-but it can give your feel-good endorphins a long-lasting boost. Moving. Nothing gets your mood up like getting your pulse up. Not only will a workout help you work out your feelings-or pound them out, or pump them out-but it can give your feel-good endorphins a long-lasting boost.[image] Getting baby-busy. Gear up for the anticipated arrival by pitching in with all the baby prep that's likely going on. You may find that getting in the baby spirit helps give your spirits a boost. Getting baby-busy. Gear up for the anticipated arrival by pitching in with all the baby prep that's likely going on. You may find that getting in the baby spirit helps give your spirits a boost.[image] Cutting out (or cutting down). Drinking a lot can swing your moods even lower. Though alcohol has a reputation for being a mood booster, it's technically a depressant, so there's a reason why the morning after is never as happy as the night before. Plus, it's a coping mechanism that covers up the feelings you're trying to cope with. Ditto with other drugs. Cutting out (or cutting down). Drinking a lot can swing your moods even lower. Though alcohol has a reputation for being a mood booster, it's technically a depressant, so there's a reason why the morning after is never as happy as the night before. Plus, it's a coping mechanism that covers up the feelings you're trying to cope with. Ditto with other drugs.

If these suggestions don't help lift your mood, or if your depression deepens or begins to interfere with your relationship with your spouse, your work, and other aspects of your life, don't wait it out. Seek professional help (from your physician or a therapist) so you can start enjoying what should be a happy and exciting life change.

Labor and Delivery Worries "I'm excited about our baby's birth, but I'm stressed out about handling it all. What if I can't keep it together?"

Few fathers enter the birthing room without a little trepidation-or a lot. Even obstetricians who've assisted at the births of thousands of other people's babies can experience a sudden loss of self-confidence when confronted with their own baby's delivery.

Yet very few of those father-to-be fears-of freezing, falling apart, fainting, getting sick, and otherwise humiliating themselves or their spouses or falling short of their expectations-are ever realized. In fact, most dads handle childbirth with surprising ease, keeping their composure, their cool, and their lunch. And though being prepared for the birth-by taking childbirth education classes, for instance-generally makes the experience more satisfying for all involved, even most unprepared fathers come through labor and delivery better than they ever would have imagined.

But, like anything new and unknown, childbirth becomes less scary and intimidating if you know what to expect. So become an expert on the subject. Read the section on labor and delivery, beginning on page 380 page 380. Check out the Internet. Attend childbirth education classes, watching the labor and delivery DVDs with your eyes wide open. Visit the hospital or birthing center ahead of time so it'll be familiar ground on labor day. Talk to friends who've attended the births of their children-you'll probably find that they were stressed out about the birth beforehand, too, but that they came through it like pros.

Though it's important to get an education, remember that childbirth isn't the final exam. Don't feel you're under any pressure to perform. Midwives and doctors won't be evaluating your every move or comparing you to the coach next door. More important, neither will your spouse. She won't care if you forget every coaching technique you learned in class. Your being beside her, holding her hand, urging her on, and providing the comfort of a familiar face and touch is what she'll need-and appreciate-most of all.

Still having performance anxiety? Some couples find that having a doula present during birth helps them both to get through labor and delivery with less stress and more comfort (see page 298 page 298).

"The sight of blood makes me sick, so I'm worried about being at the delivery."

Most expectant fathers-and mothers-worry about how they'll handle seeing blood at delivery. But chances are you won't even notice it, never mind be bothered by it-for a couple of reasons. First of all, there typically isn't very much blood to see. Second, the excitement and wonder of watching your baby arrive is likely to keep you both pretty preoccupied (that, and the efforts of birthing, of course).

If at first glance the blood does bother you (and it's really likely it won't), keep your eyes focused on your spouse's face as you coach her through those last pushes. You'll probably want to turn back to the main event for that momentous moment; at that point, blood is going to be the last thing you'll notice.

"My wife is having a scheduled C-section. Is there anything I need to know ahead of time?"

The more you learn about C-sections now, the better the experience will be for both of you. Even though you won't be helping out as much as you would if you were coaching your partner through a vaginal birth, your participation will be more valuable than you might think. A dad's reaction at a cesarean delivery can actually affect the level of fear and anxiety his partner experiences-and a less-stressed father contributes greatly to a less-stressed mother. And there's no better way to reduce your stress than knowing what to expect. So sign up together for a childbirth education class that includes C-sections in the curriculum, read up on surgical deliveries and recoveries (see pages 398 pages 398 and and 432 432), and get as prepped as you can.

Remember that any kind of surgery can seem like a scary proposition, but C-sections are extremely safe for both mom and baby. Plus, most hospitals now strive to make them as family friendly as possible, allowing you to watch (if you want to), sit by your spouse's side, hold her hand, and hold the baby right after birth-just like the couples delivering vaginally down the hall.

Anxiety Over Life Changes "Ever since I saw him on ultrasound, I've been excited about our son's birth. But I've also been worrying about how different our lives will be once we become parents."

Little babies do bring some large life changes, no doubt about it-and all expectant parents worry about them. Moms-to-be stress about these upcoming changes, too, but being so physically invested in the pregnancy process gives them a head start on working them through (their lives are already different, big time). For dads, the changes can seem less gradual, more jolting. But thinking about them-and even stressing about them-now is actually a really good thing, since it gives you a chance to prepare realistically for the impact parenthood will have on your life. The most common dad-to-be worries include: Will I be a good father? There isn't a dad-to-be (or mom-to-be) who doesn't have this one on his top-10 worry list. To help you cross it off yours, see There isn't a dad-to-be (or mom-to-be) who doesn't have this one on his top-10 worry list. To help you cross it off yours, see page 486 page 486.

Will our relationship change? Just about every set of new parents finds that their relationship undergoes some change when baby makes three. Anticipating this change realistically during pregnancy is an important first step in dealing with it effectively postpartum. No longer will being alone together be as simple as closing the blinds and letting voice mail pick up calls; from the moment baby comes home from the hospital, spontaneous intimacy and complete privacy will be precious, and often unattainable, commodities. Romance may have to be planned (a quickie grabbed during baby's nap) rather than spur of the moment, and interruptions may be the rule (you can't let voice mail pick up the baby, after all). But as long as you both make the effort to make time for each other-whether that means catching up with each other over a late dinner once baby's in bed, or giving up a game with the guys so you can play games of an entirely different kind with your spouse, or starting a weekly date night-your relationship will weather the changes well. Many couples, in fact, find that becoming a threesome deepens, strengthens, and improves their twosome-bringing them closer together than they've ever been before. Just about every set of new parents finds that their relationship undergoes some change when baby makes three. Anticipating this change realistically during pregnancy is an important first step in dealing with it effectively postpartum. No longer will being alone together be as simple as closing the blinds and letting voice mail pick up calls; from the moment baby comes home from the hospital, spontaneous intimacy and complete privacy will be precious, and often unattainable, commodities. Romance may have to be planned (a quickie grabbed during baby's nap) rather than spur of the moment, and interruptions may be the rule (you can't let voice mail pick up the baby, after all). But as long as you both make the effort to make time for each other-whether that means catching up with each other over a late dinner once baby's in bed, or giving up a game with the guys so you can play games of an entirely different kind with your spouse, or starting a weekly date night-your relationship will weather the changes well. Many couples, in fact, find that becoming a threesome deepens, strengthens, and improves their twosome-bringing them closer together than they've ever been before.

Being There The very best way to start off your new life as a father is at home with your new family. So if it's possible and financially feasible, consider taking off as much time as you can right after delivery-through the Family and Medical Leave Act (which allows for 12 weeks of unpaid leave for mothers and fathers; see page 187 page 187), the policy at your company (ask ahead of time what it is), or by taking a chunk of vacation time (the beach will be there next year, but your baby will be a newborn only once). Or if that's impossible (or not your preference), consider working part-time for a few weeks or doing some work from home.Should none of these possibilities prove practical, and job responsibilities call, maximize the time you have off from work. Make sure you're home as much as you can be; learn to say no to overtime, early or late meetings, and business trips that can be put off or passed off. Especially in the postpartum period, when your spouse is still recovering from labor and delivery, try to do more than your share of household chores and baby care whenever you're home. Keep in mind that no matter how physically or emotionally stressful your occupation, there is no more demanding job than caring for a newborn.Make bonding with your new baby a priority, but don't forget to devote some time to nurturing your spouse as well. Pamper her when you're home, and let her know you're thinking of her when you're at work. Call her often to offer support and empathy (and so she can unload as much as she needs to); surprise her with flowers or takeout from a favorite restaurant.

How will we divide the child care? Parenting is a two-person job (at least when there are two parents), but that doesn't mean it's clear just how the division of labor will play out once baby makes three. Don't wait until baby needs his first midnight diaper change or his first bath to decide this question. Start divvying up duties now-fairly. Some details of your plan may change once you really start operating as parents (she had signed up for baths, but you turn out to be the better bather), but exploring the options in theory now will make you feel more confident about how baby care is going to work in practice later. Plus, it'll encourage you to communicate about it openly-something every team needs to do to be effective. Parenting is a two-person job (at least when there are two parents), but that doesn't mean it's clear just how the division of labor will play out once baby makes three. Don't wait until baby needs his first midnight diaper change or his first bath to decide this question. Start divvying up duties now-fairly. Some details of your plan may change once you really start operating as parents (she had signed up for baths, but you turn out to be the better bather), but exploring the options in theory now will make you feel more confident about how baby care is going to work in practice later. Plus, it'll encourage you to communicate about it openly-something every team needs to do to be effective.

How will work be affected? That depends on your work schedule. If you currently work long hours with little time off, you may need (and want) to make some changes to make fatherhood the priority in your life that you'll want it to be. And don't wait until you officially become a father. Think about taking time off now for doctor's visits, as well as to help your exhausted spouse with baby preparations. Start weaning yourself off those 12-hour days, and resist the temptation to continue your day at the office at home. Avoid trips and a heavy workload during the two months before and after your baby's ETA, if you can. And if it's at all possible, consider taking paternity leave in the early weeks of baby's life. That depends on your work schedule. If you currently work long hours with little time off, you may need (and want) to make some changes to make fatherhood the priority in your life that you'll want it to be. And don't wait until you officially become a father. Think about taking time off now for doctor's visits, as well as to help your exhausted spouse with baby preparations. Start weaning yourself off those 12-hour days, and resist the temptation to continue your day at the office at home. Avoid trips and a heavy workload during the two months before and after your baby's ETA, if you can. And if it's at all possible, consider taking paternity leave in the early weeks of baby's life.

Will we have to give up our lifestyle? You probably won't have to say good-bye to accustomed activities or your social life as you knew it, but you should expect to make some adjustments, at least up front. A new baby does, and should, take center stage, pushing some old lifestyle habits temporarily aside. Parties, movies, and sports may be tricky to fit in between feedings; cozy dinners for two at your favorite bistro may become noisy meals for three at family restaurants that tolerate squirming infants. Your circle of friends may change somewhat, too; you may suddenly find yourself gravitating toward fellow stroller-pushers for empathetic companionship. Not to say that there won't be a place for old friends-and pastimes from your past-in your new life with baby; just that your priorities will likely do some necessary shifting. You probably won't have to say good-bye to accustomed activities or your social life as you knew it, but you should expect to make some adjustments, at least up front. A new baby does, and should, take center stage, pushing some old lifestyle habits temporarily aside. Parties, movies, and sports may be tricky to fit in between feedings; cozy dinners for two at your favorite bistro may become noisy meals for three at family restaurants that tolerate squirming infants. Your circle of friends may change somewhat, too; you may suddenly find yourself gravitating toward fellow stroller-pushers for empathetic companionship. Not to say that there won't be a place for old friends-and pastimes from your past-in your new life with baby; just that your priorities will likely do some necessary shifting.

Can I afford a larger family? With child-rearing costs going through the roof, many expectant parents lose sleep over this very legitimate question. But there are plenty of ways to cut those costs, including opting for breastfeeding (no bottles or formula to buy), accepting all the hand-me-downs that are offered (new clothes start to look like hand-me-downs after a few spitting-up episodes anyway), and letting friends and family know which gifts you really need rather than allowing them to fill baby's shelves with stuff you'll never use. If either of you is planning to take extra time off from work (or to put career plans on hold for a while) and this concerns you from a financial standpoint, weigh it against the costs of quality child care and commuting. The income lost may not be so great after all. With child-rearing costs going through the roof, many expectant parents lose sleep over this very legitimate question. But there are plenty of ways to cut those costs, including opting for breastfeeding (no bottles or formula to buy), accepting all the hand-me-downs that are offered (new clothes start to look like hand-me-downs after a few spitting-up episodes anyway), and letting friends and family know which gifts you really need rather than allowing them to fill baby's shelves with stuff you'll never use. If either of you is planning to take extra time off from work (or to put career plans on hold for a while) and this concerns you from a financial standpoint, weigh it against the costs of quality child care and commuting. The income lost may not be so great after all.

Most important: Instead of thinking of what you won't have in your life anymore (or won't have as much opportunity for), try to start thinking of what you will have in your life: a very special little person to share it with. Will your life be different? Absolutely. Will it be better? Immeasurably.

Fathering Fears "I want to be a good father, but the thought is terrifying. I've never even seen or held a newborn, much less taken care of one."

Few men are born fathers, any more than women are born mothers. Though parental love may come naturally, parental skills (the stuff you're nervous about) have to be learned. Like every other new dad and mom, you'll grow into parenthood one challenge, one bath, one all-night rocking session, one cuddle and coo at a time. Gradually, with persistence, hard work, and a lot of love (that'll be the easy part, once you gaze into that little face), the role that seems daunting-yes, terrifying-now will become second nature. Though you'll learn plenty on the job-and from your mistakes, which every new parent makes plenty of-you might feel a little more comfortable with some formal preparation.

Fortunately, classes that teach all the baby basics-from diapering to bathing, feeding to playing-are finding their way into communities across the country. There are boot camps for new dads and other preparatory classes in many hospitals and community centers. Ask about those or classes you can take together as a couple at the next prenatal appointment, check into them at the hospital or birthing center you'll be delivering at, or do some research online. Put an infant CPR class on your to-do list, too. You can also learn the ropes by reading What to Expect the First Year What to Expect the First Year or online at whattoexpect.com. If you have friends who have recently arrived infants, turn to them for some hands-on instruction. Ask them to let you hold, diaper, and play with their babies. or online at whattoexpect.com. If you have friends who have recently arrived infants, turn to them for some hands-on instruction. Ask them to let you hold, diaper, and play with their babies.

And remember, too, as you learn, that just as mothers have different parenting techniques, so do dads. Relax, trust your instincts (surprise ... fathers have them, too), and feel free to find the style that works for both you and your baby. Before you know it, you'll be fathering with the best of them.

Breastfeeding "My wife is thinking about breastfeeding our new baby, and I know it would be good for him-but I feel a little weird about it."

Up until now, you've thought of your wife's breasts sexually. And that's natural. But here's something that's also natural. Breasts are built the way they are for another good reason and to serve another really important purpose: baby feeding. There is no more perfect food for an infant than breast milk, and no more perfect food delivery system than a breast (make that two breasts). Breastfeeding offers an overwhelming number of health benefits for a baby (from preventing allergies, obesity, and illness to promoting brain development) and for its mother (nursing is linked to a speedier recovery postpartum and possibly a reduced risk of breast cancer later on in life). You can read more about those amazing benefits starting on page 331 page 331.

Without a doubt, your wife's decision to choose breast over bottle can make a dramatic difference in your child's life-and in hers. So try to put your feelings aside, and give her your vote of breastfeeding confidence-which counts a lot more than you'd think. Even though you don't know letdown from latch-on, you'll have a tremendous influence on whether your wife sticks with breastfeeding (and the longer she sticks with it, the more health benefits for both her and baby). In fact, research shows that moms are far more likely to try and succeed at nursing when fathers are supportive than if they're ambivalent. So take your influence seriously. Read up on nursing, watch a DVD, talk to other dads whose wives have breastfed, and ask whether a lactation consultant (basically, a nursing coach) will be available at the hospital or birthing center when the baby's ready to chow down for the first time. (Lesson one: It's a natural process, but it doesn't come naturally.) If your wife is too embarrassed to ask for help-or she's just too tired after delivery-be her breastfeeding advocate and make sure she gets it.

Sure, seeing your wife breastfeeding might seem weird at first-almost as weird as breastfeeding might feel to her initially-but before long, it will seem natural, normal, and incredibly special.

"My wife is breastfeeding our son. There's a closeness between them that I can't seem to share, and I feel left out."

Certain biological aspects of parenting naturally exclude you: You can't be pregnant, you can't give birth, and you can't breastfeed. But, as millions of new fathers discover each year, those natural physical limitations don't have to relegate you to spectator status. You can share in nearly all the joys, expectations, trials, and tribulations of your wife's pregnancy, labor, and delivery-from the first kick to the last push-as an active, supportive participant. And though you'll never be able to put your baby to the breast (at least not with the kind of results baby's looking for), you can share in the feeding process: Be your baby's supplementary feeder. Once breastfeeding is established, there's more than one way to feed a baby. And though you can't nurse, you can be the one to give supplementary bottles (if those will be on the menu for baby). Not only will your being the supplementary feeder give mom a break (whether in the middle of the night or in the middle of dinner), it will give you extra opportunities for closeness with your baby. Make the most of the moment-instead of propping the bottle up to the baby's mouth, strike a nursing position, with the bottle where that breast would be and your baby snuggled close. Opening up your shirt, which allows for skin-to-skin contact, will enhance the experience for both of you. Once breastfeeding is established, there's more than one way to feed a baby. And though you can't nurse, you can be the one to give supplementary bottles (if those will be on the menu for baby). Not only will your being the supplementary feeder give mom a break (whether in the middle of the night or in the middle of dinner), it will give you extra opportunities for closeness with your baby. Make the most of the moment-instead of propping the bottle up to the baby's mouth, strike a nursing position, with the bottle where that breast would be and your baby snuggled close. Opening up your shirt, which allows for skin-to-skin contact, will enhance the experience for both of you.

Your Baby Blues You're overjoyed to be a father, and that's putting it mildly. So why are you also feeling emotionally spent? After all that buildup, all the planning and spending and drama, your child has been born, and you feel not only run-down (that's the sleep deprivation talking) but also a tiny bit let down. Welcome to the Postpartum Club, when you suddenly realize why the word baby baby is so often followed by the word is so often followed by the word blues. blues. Not every new parent experiences the so-called baby blues (about 10 percent of new dads do), but you can expect a profusion of emotions in both of you (fortunately, usually only one of you at a time). Be ready. And be strong. You'll need the patience of a saint, the endurance of a triathlete, a temper with a mile-long fuse, and a sense of humor (big time) to work through this period of adjustment. Adapt the tips for her baby blues ( Not every new parent experiences the so-called baby blues (about 10 percent of new dads do), but you can expect a profusion of emotions in both of you (fortunately, usually only one of you at a time). Be ready. And be strong. You'll need the patience of a saint, the endurance of a triathlete, a temper with a mile-long fuse, and a sense of humor (big time) to work through this period of adjustment. Adapt the tips for her baby blues (page 456) to your needs during this rough patch. If those don't help, and baby blues progress to depression, ask your doctor for help so you can start enjoying life with your new baby.

Don't sleep through the night until your baby does. Sharing in the joys of feeding also means sharing in the sleepless nights. Even if you're not giving supplementary bottles, you can become a part of nighttime feeding rituals. You can be the one to pick baby up, do any necessary diaper changing, deliver him to his mom for his feeding, and return him to bed once he has fallen asleep again. Sharing in the joys of feeding also means sharing in the sleepless nights. Even if you're not giving supplementary bottles, you can become a part of nighttime feeding rituals. You can be the one to pick baby up, do any necessary diaper changing, deliver him to his mom for his feeding, and return him to bed once he has fallen asleep again.

Participate in all other baby rituals. Nursing is the only baby-care activity limited to mothers. Dads can bathe, diaper, and rock with the best of moms, given the chance. Nursing is the only baby-care activity limited to mothers. Dads can bathe, diaper, and rock with the best of moms, given the chance.

Bonding "I'm so excited about our new baby that I'm afraid I'm almost overdoing the attention I'm giving her."

Some things in life you can overdo-but not loving and caring for your baby. Not only do infants thrive on attention from their fathers, there is no better way to cement your relationship with your new offspring. All the time you're spending with the baby will also help your spouse bond better with the baby (a mother who carries the load of baby care alone may find herself too exhausted and resentful to bond well).

And if you're surprised by your enthusiasm for your daughter, don't be. Studies have found that males in both the human and animal kingdoms experience a surge in female hormones when their babies arrive. Nurturing, long thought the province of mothers, apparently comes naturally to dads, too.

As you're busy nurturing your newborn, however, don't forget another relationship that needs looking after: the one with your spouse. Make sure she knows how much you love her, too. And make sure she gets her share of attention.

"I've heard about bonding, and we both got a chance to hold our baby when he arrived. But four days later, I feel love, but I still don't feel all that connected."

Bonding begins with that first cuddle, but it's just the very start of your relationship with your baby. That brand-new connection between you will deepen and strengthen, not just over the next weeks, but over the many years you'll be sharing as father and son.

In other words, don't expect instant results-and don't worry because you feel you haven't had them. Look at every moment with your new son as a new opportunity to build the bond you've started. Every diaper change, every bath, every kiss, every caress, every look into that tiny little face, you'll be bonding. Making eye contact and skin contact (open your shirt and hold him against your chest as you sing him to sleep) can enhance the closeness and tighten the bond. (This kind of contact will also, according to research, speed his brain development, so it's good for both of you.) Keep in mind that the relationship may seem a little one-sided at first (until your newborn is alert enough to be responsive, you'll be doing all the smiling and cooing), but every moment of your attention is contributing to your baby's fledgling sense of well-being and letting him know he's loved. The feedback you'll get once the smiles start coming will confirm your time was well spent-and the connection with your baby was there all along.