Kate was a lot happier inside. All smiles and gurgles and kicks when I put her into her crib. I held her hot little feet and cycled her legs-she loved that. Well, at least I hoped she loved it, because I enjoyed it immensely-when I heard the knock on my bedroom door.

What was going on? No one No one knocked in our house. knocked in our house.

The door opened and Adam loomed into the room. Everything instantly looked much smaller, like a doll's house.

"Oh Lord," I thought, going into shock and abruptly abandoning Kate's little legs. "What does he want?"

Maybe he wasn't able to believe how awful my shorts were and was coming for a second look.

"Claire," he said sheepishly, "can I talk to you for a moment?"

He stood there, so big, so beautiful, an anxious look on his handsome face.

I looked at him and something happened inside me (no! not that!), something wonderful.

My heart lifted and a surge of gladness gladness rushed through me, so strong it nearly knocked me over. I was suddenly filled with hope and gladness and happiness. That elation when you thought all was lost and then you realized that everything was going to be fine. rushed through me, so strong it nearly knocked me over. I was suddenly filled with hope and gladness and happiness. That elation when you thought all was lost and then you realized that everything was going to be fine.

You know the one I'm talking about. The one that only happens once or twice in a lifetime.

"Yes," I said, "of course."400.

He came over and shook Kate's foot and then sat down beside me on the bed. The mattress nearly hit the floor, but never mind that.

"Claire," he said, looking at me beseechingly with his blue, blue eyes, "I'd like to explain about my girlfriend and my baby."

"Oh yes?" I asked, trying to sound brisk and businesslike. As if he wasn't having a very unsettling effect on me.

His bigness and nearness were a bit overwhelming. As I said before, the first thing I had ever noticed about him was his manliness. And now it was as if he had doused the bed with testosterone. Or as if he'd walked around the room with one of those incense dispenser things that the priests wave around at Benediction, except, instead of incense, his dispenser thing was filled with Essence of Man.

I couldn't help help it if I thought about having sex with him. I was only human. If you prick me do I not bleed? If you stick a gorgeous man under my nose, do I not want to rip the clothes off him? it if I thought about having sex with him. I was only human. If you prick me do I not bleed? If you stick a gorgeous man under my nose, do I not want to rip the clothes off him?

I mean, I I don't make the rules. don't make the rules.

It was imperative that I got myself under control. Adam was not here to offer me his body. He was here, well, at least I hoped he was here, so we could untangle whatever was happening in our lives when we met each other. Then maybe we could be friends.

I realized that I'd really, really like to be friends with him. He was so interesting and entertaining and sweet. He was a lovely person to be around.

Special, you know. Whoever this girlfriend of his was, she was one lucky woman.

"Claire," he said, "thank you for giving me this chance to explain."

"Oh God," I said, "get a grip. Stop sounding so humble."

"It's just...I don't know." He faltered. "It must have been a bit of a, a... surprise surprise when Helen told you about me having a child." when Helen told you about me having a child."

"Yes, it was a...surprise," I said with a little smile.

"Okay, okay," he said. He ran his hand through his lovely, silky hair.

"Maybe surprise surprise is the wrong word." is the wrong word."

"Maybe," I agreed. But in a nice way.

"I should have told you," he said.401.

"Why?" I asked. "It's not as if we were going out with each other or anything."

He stared at me. He looked sad.

"Well, even if we weren't going out with each other, I still felt that I should have told you," he said. "But I was afraid that I'd frighten you off,"

he continued.

"That was hardly likely, considering my circumstances," I replied.

"But I thought you'd wonder what kind of guy I was that I wasn't allowed to see my own child. I wanted to tell you. I nearly did try to tell you lots of times but I always lost my nerve at the last minute."

"And why are you telling me now?" I asked.

"Because it's all fixed," he said.

"Well, wasn't it a stroke of luck that Helen invited you here today and that I just happened in?" I asked a bit tartly.

"Claire," he said anxiously. "If you hadn't been here today I would have called you. I thought you'd gone back to London ages ago. Otherwise I would have been in touch sooner.

"No, honestly honestly," he assured me when he saw the skeptical look that I gave him.

"All right," I conceded. "I believe you.

"So tell me all about it," I suggested, forcing myself to speak gently.

Trying to keep the urgent curiosity out of my voice.

I always enjoy a good human interest story, even if I happen to be peri-pherally involved.

A series of peculiar, gurgly type noises came from Kate's crib. Oh please don't cry, darling, I hoped desperately. Not right now. I really really want to hear this. It's important to Mummy. want to hear this. It's important to Mummy.

And would you believe it? She quieted down again. She'd obviously inherited something good from her father.

But sshush now, ladies and gentlemen, Adam was going to explain all.

"I had gone out with Hannah for-" he began.

"Who's Hannah?" I interrupted.

It's always good to sort out who all the main characters are before the story begins.

"The mother of my child," he explained.

"Fine," I said, "go on."402.

"I had gone out with her for a long time, about two years," he said.

"Yes." I nodded.

"And it ended," he said.

"Oh," I said, "that sounds a bit abrupt."

"No, no, it wasn't," he said. "What I mean is neither of us ran off with someone else or anything like that. It had just run its course."

"Yes." I nodded.

"So we split up," he said.

"Yes," I said. "I'm with you so far."

"But I was still really fond of her," he said. "I missed her. But every time we saw each other it was awful. She'd cry and ask why hadn't it worked and could we try again and that kind of thing."

"Yes," I said. This was all very familiar.

"And we always ended up going to bed together," he said.

He looked a bit embarrassed when he said this. I didn't know why. I mean, everyone everyone does that when they split up with someone they once loved and still do in a way, don't they? does that when they split up with someone they once loved and still do in a way, don't they?

It's the rule.

You split up, you say you'll still be friends, you meet up a week later for your first "friendly" drink, you get drunk, you say how weird it is not being able to touch each other even in an affectionate way, you kiss each other, you stop and say "No, we mustn't," you kiss again, you stop and say "This is ridiculous," you kiss again, you say "Maybe just this once; it's only because I miss you so much." You get the bus back to his place, you practically have sex in someone's backyard when you get off the bus, you get to his house, everything is so familiar and you cry because you know you don't belong there anymore. You have sex, you cry again, you go to sleep, you have horrible dreams where one minute you're back together and the next you've split up again and you wake up the next morning wishing you were dead.

Everyone knows that rule. It's one of the first principles governing the end of a love affair. Adam must be very naive if he thought it's only ever happened to him. knows that rule. It's one of the first principles governing the end of a love affair. Adam must be very naive if he thought it's only ever happened to him.

"Anyway, Hannah got pregnant," he said.

"Oh dear," I said sympathetically.403.

He looked at me a bit sharply. He thought that I was being sarcastic. I wasn't, honestly.

"We talked about it and we considered everything. She wanted to get married. I didn't want to, because I thought it was a stupid thing to do. I didn't see the point in getting married to give the child a stable home if its parents didn't love each other anymore."

"Mmmmm," I said noncommitally. I mean, technically he was right. But as one woman to another, my heart went out to the misfortunate Hannah.

"I suppose you think I'm a total bastard," he said, looking a bit wretched.

"No, not really," I said. "I agree with you that getting married achieves nothing in that situation."

"You do do think I'm a bastard," he said, "I can tell." think I'm a bastard," he said, "I can tell."

"I don't don't," I said, exasperated. "Get on with it, would you."

There was far too much developing of the characters and not enough action in this story for my taste.

"We thought about her having the baby and putting it up for adoption but Hannah didn't want to do that. Then we talked about her having an abortion."

I flashed a quick look at Kate. I couldn't help it. I just felt so incredibly lucky that I hadn't had to consider an abortion when I found out that I was pregnant.

"Anyway, an abortion seemed like some sort of solution," he said wearily. "But neither of us wanted to do that."

"I'm sure you didn't," I murmured, trying to sound like I believed him.

But I wondered to myself "Is this guy for real real?"

I'd always suspected that most men thought that abortion was almost a sacrament, a gift generously bestowed on them by Heaven to make their lives uncomplicated and pleasant. To deal with nasty little nuisances, like children, which might interfere with their life of gay bachelorhood.

Of course there's always the crowd who get all sanctimonious and self-righteous and say that abortion is murder. You'll find that the men who are quite happy to say this are the ones whose girlfriends aren't pregnant.

But the minute their women have an "accident" and are with child, it's usually a very different story.404.

They're often the very first to tentatively suggest that maybe now is not the right time to have a baby and that there's nothing to an abortion, really.

That it's easier than having a tooth out. And that in most cases you don't even have to stay overnight. And there's no need to feel guilty because, at this stage, it's not even a child, just a few cells. And that they'll come with her and pick her up afterward. And maybe in a few weeks they'll go away for a weekend to help her get over it. And then, before the woman knows what's happening to her, she's lying on an operating table in an expensive "clinic" wearing a paper gown that opens all the way up the back, with a needle stuck in her arm, counting down from ten.

Sorry, sorry! I got a little bit distracted there.

As you may have noticed, this is something I feel very strongly about, but maybe now isn't the time to go into it. Suffice it to say that Adam had me convinced that he wasn't one of those men.

But just one more thing and then I'll shut up. Show me a man who's pregnant, penniless and partnerless and then then invite him to stand on the soapbox and tell me that he still thinks abortion is completely wrong. Hah! invite him to stand on the soapbox and tell me that he still thinks abortion is completely wrong. Hah!

Anyway, back to Adam the feminist.

He was still explaining, all anxious and earnest, staring at me with a beseeching look in his beautiful eyes.

D'you know, he had the most gorgeous eyelashes? Really thick and long and...sorry.

Ahem.

"I said that if she had the baby, I'd do whatever I could to help," he said.

"I promised I'd support her financially and that I was happy for the baby to live with me. Or with her. Or we could share. Whatever Hannah wanted.

I wanted her to have the baby but I knew that at the end of the day the decision was hers. I couldn't decide for her and I didn't want to put pressure on her to have the child because I knew she was scared. She was only twenty-two."

"Oh dear," I said, "that's very sad."

"It was," he said miserably. "It was really awful."

"And then what happened?" I asked.