"The weird thing was that James always thought that you'd be the one to have an affair and not him."

"Why's that?" I asked. Although I kind of knew what he meant. I was always perceived as the rowdy one and James as the Goody-Two-Shoes.

"Because you've always been the party animal," said George. "The lively, charismatic one. And James never thought he was good enough for you,"

continued George. "Never! Always afraid that he was too serious and boring for you. Us337.

accountants don't have an easy time with the women, you know. They think we're not exciting enough, would you believe?"

"I never knew that James thought he was too serious and boring for me,"

I said faintly.

"Come on now," said George disbelievingly. "Wouldn't you agree that of the two of you, you're usually the life and soul of things?"

"Yes," I tentatively agreed, desperate to keep George talking.

"And James!" George laughed. "Well you couldn't find a better bloke but at the same time he wouldn't exactly be surrounded by people and keeping them all in stitches, now, would he?"

"No, I suppose not," I said. "But if I was to quiet down a bit, then maybe he wouldn't feel so boring."

"But what would be the point of that?" exclaimed George. "Then you wouldn't be you."

"I know know," I thought frantically. "But that's what James wants me to do."

"Well, maybe James didn't enjoy living with someone as noisy and lively as me," I suggested to George. "Maybe I got on his nerves."

What I was doing was unforgivable. I was now blatantly fishing for information from George. I was encouraging him to shop his mate.

"Don't be so silly." George laughed. "Of course you didn't get on his nerves. He did did find it difficult sometimes. But that was only his ego and his insecurity playing up. It can't always be easy living with someone who's a lot more popular than oneself." find it difficult sometimes. But that was only his ego and his insecurity playing up. It can't always be easy living with someone who's a lot more popular than oneself."

"Oh," I said faintly. "I see."

And, do you know something? I think I did. I think I had started to understand.

Should I tell George that?

But I had to think about everything I had just heard. I couldn't listen to any more or my head would burst.

I started to ease my way out of the conversation with George.

"How come you're such an expert on relationships all of a 338 sudden?" I asked him teasingly. "You've gone all sensitive and new-man-nish on me."

"Oh, er," he said, sounding both embarrassed and pleased, "Aisling bought me a book about it."

"I see." I laughed. "Well, thanks a lot, George, you've been a great help."

"Good," he said. "I'm glad. Everything will work out, you'll see."

"Oh no, I won't," I thought.

"James was threatened [self-conscious usage of relationship jargon from George] by your vitality. Instead of realizing that your liveliness complemented [more self-consciousness] his calmness," said George, who sounded like he was quoting from a psychology textbook.

"But you can grow from this crisis and"-slightly embarrassed pause-"

redefine the parameters of your relationship."

"Wow, George," I said, desperate to get him off the phone. I wasn't sure how much longer I could sustain this conversation. "You certainly have got in touch with your emotions."

"Yes," he said shyly. "I'm even exploring my feminine side."

This would be hilarious if I wasn't feeling so confused and frightened.

"George," I said, "it's a pleasure to talk to such a sensitive man. You have a great understanding of the dynamics of James and me. It's not every man who would be so in touch."

"Thank you, Claire," he said proudly. I could almost hear him beaming.

"I feel as though I've learned an awful lot. And I'm no longer afraid to cry."

"Good, good," I said heartily, terrified that he might offer to give me a demonstration there and then.

How could I get him off the phone without sounding as if I wasn't interested in his emotional growth? I thought desperately. could I get him off the phone without sounding as if I wasn't interested in his emotional growth? I thought desperately.

I found myself asking him another question.

"And do you care for and nurture your inner child?" I asked in a gentle voice.

"Er, what?" he asked, confused.

I had lost him. Aisling hadn't given him the sequel yet. "I haven't any children, Claire. You know that."339.

"I know," I said kindly. No point in pushing him too far and undoing all the good work that Aisling had done.

"George..." I interrupted, abruptly cutting short his lyrical descriptions of how it had all worked out for James because James had followed his advice and how happy James and I were going to be and- "George," I repeated a bit louder. I managed to get his attention.

"So, George, let me see if I've got this right," I said to him. "James loves me. James always loved me. James felt insecure and afraid that he might be too boring for me. Have I got that right?"

"But you know all this," said George, sounding confused.

"Just checking," I said lightly.

George was still prattling on. Maybe I was imagining things, but could he have been talking about something called the male period?

But I could barely listen to him. I had far more important things to worry about.

Namely, why had James told George that he loved me frantically and was afraid of losing me and why had he told me that I was damn near impossible to live with but he would take me back as almost an act of charity?

Even a blind man could see that there was a slight discrepancy between the two stories.

He was either lying to George or lying to me.

And some little tickle of instinct somewhere told me that he had been lying to me.

I had to talk to him. I had to find out.

"George," I said, interrupting him again. "I need to speak to James. Will you ask him to call me? It's important."

"Yes," he said, "will do. He should be back in about half an hour."

"Thanks," I said. "Bye now."

And I hung up.

I sat trying to make sense of what George had inadvertently told me. So James had always loved me. And James felt threatened by my being, well... me me, I suppose, for want of a better description.

Is that why he needed to have an affair with another 340 woman? And why did he have to tell me that it was all my fault? And why did he have to tell me that I'd have to change totally if our marriage was to have a future?

I wasn't sure what the hell was going on. But I did know one thing.

Something was.341.

thirty-three.

Just to make sure, I called Judy.

"Claire!" she answered, sounding delighted. "Are you back?"

"No, Judy, not yet," I said miserably.

Before she could say anything I went on talking.

"Look, Judy," I blurted out, "I need to talk to you about something."

"Talk away," she said. "Are you okay? You sound a bit agitated."

"I am, Judy," I said. "I'm agitated and confused and I don't know what's going on."

"What do you mean?" she asked gently.

"Well, you know that James and I have made up," I started.

"Yes," she said.

"Well, did you know that it was my fault that James had the affair?"

"What on earth are you talking about?" she said, sounding horrified.

"He told me that it was all my fault. That I was immature and selfish and demanding and inconsiderate and that he'd only take me back if I changed radically."

"He's talking about him him taking taking you you back?" said Judy in disbelief. "Claire, Claire, slow down a minute. There's something very wrong here." back?" said Judy in disbelief. "Claire, Claire, slow down a minute. There's something very wrong here."

Well, if Judy thought there was something wrong then I wasn't imagining it.342.

But I wasn't sure whether to be relieved or not.

"Now, Claire, can we start again please?" she asked. "James said that he was forced to have an affair because you were so difficult to live with. Have I got that right?"

"Yes," I said, feeling distressed. I admit that it sounded very spurious the way that Judy said it. James made it sound a lot more reasonable reasonable, somehow.

"And now he's saying that he'll he'll take take you you back if you change?" she continued. "What way does he want you to change?" back if you change?" she continued. "What way does he want you to change?"

"Oh, you know," I mumbled. "He wants me to be less of a party-giver.

And less of a party-goer. Quieter. More considerate."

"Oh, I see," she said hotly. "He wants you to be a boring fucker like him, is that right? Or else he wants you where he can keep his killjoy little eye on you. What a shit!"

She paused. And then another thought struck her.

"And what kind of idiot are you? You mean to tell me that you believed believed this crap! Can't you see that it's the oldest trick in the book?" this crap! Can't you see that it's the oldest trick in the book?"

"In what way?" I asked. Not wanting to hear.

"He has an affair. He realizes what a huge mistake he's made. He wants you back because he really loves you-any fool can see that-but he's afraid that you'll tell him to take a hike. So he makes out that it was all your fault so you feel guilty and then you feel grateful because, even though you were an awful person, he still wants you.

"And anyway," she said, drawing breath and launching into another furious speech, "I happen to know for a fact that he's lying."

"Oh?" I said. It was about all I could manage.

"Yes," she said. "Michael told me."

Michael being Judy's boyfriend. Michael being James's friend.

"About a month ago Michael went out with James for a couple of pints, well, more like a couple of dozen pints, but anyway...and James got plastered and wouldn't stop talking about you. Michael says that James is bonkers about you. That he always was. And that he was always much more in love343.

with you than you were with him. And always thought that he was going to lose you. And he couldn't handle it. So with the pressure of the baby and all that he decided to throw in the towel. And took off with Denise, who, let's face it, couldn't believe her luck to land a catch like James."

"I see," I said evenly. "That's interesting, because George told me something very similar today."

"I can't believe believe you needed to hear this from George or me. Didn't you know that James was crazy about you? And totally insecure about you?" you needed to hear this from George or me. Didn't you know that James was crazy about you? And totally insecure about you?"

Judy was obviously disgusted with me.