"And what about for your sake?" he asked.

I wanted to burst into tears. I felt like telling him that I was thoroughly miserable at the thought of going back to that judgmental, sanctimonious pig.

As you can see, James was growing worse in my eyes with every second that passed. Adam was growing more desirable and attractive. I ached ached to be with him. to be with him.

But I couldn't tell him that. I had to make a go of things with James.

Wishing that I could be with someone else was not exactly productive.

"I'll be okay," I told him.

"It certainly looks that way," he said bitterly.

I felt too ashamed to say anything.

"And what about my sake?" he demanded. "What about me? Didn't Sunday night mean anything to you?"

"Of course it did," I said.

"Well, it can't have meant very much if less than two days later you're going back to another man," he said bluntly.

"Adam, it's not like that..." I tried desperately to explain. "I've got to...I've got to give it another chance."

"Why? He was horrible to you," Adam pointed out.

"Yes, but...you see, it wasn't really his fault."

Adam gave a bark of humorless laughter.

"So whose fault was it, then? Don't tell me. No, please don't tell me. He said it was your your fault," he said. fault," he said.

"Well, yes, but you see-"

"I just don't believe it," he interrupted angrily. "You're an intelligent woman-a very very intelligent woman-and you let this idiot put you down. intelligent woman-and you let this idiot put you down.

"What did he tell you?" continued Adam, in full flight. "Let me see. He needed sex while you were pregnant but you couldn't oblige? Hmmm?

Was that it?"

"No," I said in a little voice.

"Or that you were far too focused on the impending baby 326 and he felt ignored and crowded out and had to go elsewhere for affection?"

"No, not that either," I told him, thankful that he hadn't come across the right reason yet.

"It's pretty obvious that you're not going to tell me exactly why why it's your fault," he stormed, "but you can be damn sure that it's it's your fault," he stormed, "but you can be damn sure that it's not not your fault. Why are you letting him manipulate you like this?" your fault. Why are you letting him manipulate you like this?"

And well you might ask, I thought. Good point. Why was was I letting him manipulate me like this? Oh, yes, I remember. I letting him manipulate me like this? Oh, yes, I remember.

"Because it was so good once that it's worth trying again," I told Adam.

But it sounded insincere and feeble, even to me.

"And Adam," I continued tremulously, "I really had a lovely time with you. You made me feel beautiful and special and worthwhile again."

"Anytime," he said sarcastically.

"Oh, please don't be angry with me," I said sadly. "I'm really sorry. I really am. I've got no choice. I've got to do this."

"You do have a choice," he said.

"I don't," I replied. "Apart from anything else, what about Kate?"

"So you're going to go back to some awful relationship with a man who doesn't respect you or care for you just because of Kate," he said.

"He does care about me," I protested.

"He has a funny way of showing it," said Adam.

"Look, is there any chance we can be friends?" I asked Adam, trying desperately to salvage something from all this unpleasantness.

"No."

"Why not?" I asked frantically.

"Because I can't believe I'm talking to the same woman I was with on Sunday night. I thought that one was intelligent and had self-respect and knew what she wanted."

"I am am intelligent. I intelligent. I do do have self-respect," I said almost in tears. I had to convince him. I didn't want to lose him. I knew that there could be no romance with Adam. Not now. But I still thought he was wonderful and I wanted so badly to be his friend. have self-respect," I said almost in tears. I had to convince him. I didn't want to lose him. I knew that there could be no romance with Adam. Not now. But I still thought he was wonderful and I wanted so badly to be his friend.

"Anyway," he sighed, "I can't be friends with you. Because 327 I want so much more from you. And I bet you couldn't be friends with me either. We're too attracted to each other."

"Well, if we can't be friends, then we can't be anything," I said. It was killing me, but I had to say it. I couldn't go back to James while I still carried a torch for Adam. A clean, honest break was less painful in the long run.

But I was hoping to call his bluff. Because I wasn't prepared for what he said next.

"Then we can't be anything," he said stiffly.

Panic swept over me.

At the tone of his voice. At the realization that he was so disappointed in me. At the thought of never seeing him again.

"Can I have your phone number?" I blurted out.

I couldn't bear bear the idea of just ending things with him now. I was clinging on, hoping that he might be nice to me. the idea of just ending things with him now. I was clinging on, hoping that he might be nice to me.

Hoping that if he said he was still my friend, it would prove I was doing the right thing.

"No," he said in a voice that brooked no argument.

"Why not?" I asked, brooking an argument anyway. Whatever that means.

"Because what would you need it for?" he asked.

"To call you," I said.

"What would you want to call me for?" he asked.

"To talk to you," I said, almost crying. "I don't want to lose you."

"Claire," he sighed, "don't be stupid. You've made your decision. You're going to London to live with another man. You can't have us both. There's no point point in you calling me to talk to me. We're not going to be friends. End of story." in you calling me to talk to me. We're not going to be friends. End of story."

"There's really nothing else I can say, is there?" I said sadly, realizing that I wasn't going to get what I wanted. He was not going to give me his blessing.

Why on earth should he?

"No," he said.

"I've let you down, haven't I?" I asked.

"You've let yourself down," he said coldly.

"I've disappointed you, haven't I?" I said, unable to stop myself from rubbing salt into the wounds.

"Yes, you've...disappointed me," he said after a little hesitation.328.

"Well, um...take care," I said, feeling foolish. Wanting to say so much.

But being unable to say anything except platitudes.

"I will," he said.

"I'm sorry," I said, feeling wretched.

"Not as sorry as I am," he said.

And he hung up.

I stayed standing by the phone for a while. Feeling like my heart was breaking. And feeling terrible fear. Had I made a terrible mistake?

Was I standing at a turning point in my life? Was I really important to Adam?

But did it matter? Because I had decided on the direction I was going in.

But was it the right one?

How could I know?

My head was spinning. I felt frightened and out of control.

Two possible lives were being offered to me. The one with James. And maybe one with Adam.

Was I throwing the wrong one away? Had I misunderstood my destiny?

Was the break-up with James meant to happen so that I could meet Adam and be a lot happier? Had I been given pain so that I would grow strong?

Had I misunderstood all the signs?

Had I gotten everything wrong?

But it was too late. I had made my decision. And I was going to go through with it. I'd make myself crazy if I kept changing my mind.

My future was with James. Adam no longer existed in my life.

I was probably just a good lay for Adam. Well, I liked to think that I was a good good one. But maybe it was just about sex. one. But maybe it was just about sex.

But, then again, maybe it wasn't.

What should I do then?

I had to get over him. I would get over him.

Of course I would.

I had only known him about three weeks.

It's just that, well, you know...he had an effect on me. He touched me in an unexpected way. He made me feel like 329 taking care of him. He made me feel special and wonderful in a way that James no longer did.

Hey! Maybe this was all just down to my rampaging ego. James no longer made me feel good about myself. So I latched on to the next available man who did make me feel good.

But, in all honesty, I really didn't think that was it.

Adam was special.

Adam and I were special.

Although not anymore.

Adam despised me now. For my stupidity in buying James's crappy explanation. And for the speed with which I left his bed and went off with someone else. Even if that someone else was my husband.

It really hurt that Adam thought so little of me. Although I didn't blame him. I didn't have a lot of respect for myself either.330.

thirty-two.