"Honestly, Dad, they'd be gorgeous on you," I often said.

And Dad would say, "Ah, go away. I'm far too old."

"No, Dad, you're not."

The day that Dad actually turned up wearing a pair of board-stiff navy blue Wranglers, with a twelve-inch turn-up on the hem, smiling shyly and proudly, the shock nearly killed me.

"Yes, I know," Laura said, seeming a little bit distressed. "But it just seems so out of character for you. I mean, you're always so loyal."

"Laura, I'm hardly being disloyal to James if I have sex with Adam, am I?" I asked her nicely. I could see how shocked she was.

Although I had a veneer of good-time-girlness, I had pretty much always been Claire the Constant. My veneer of debauchery was paper-thin-practically transparent, in fact. I always wanted to be boring and settled down with a man, but because that was considered to be the most insulting thing you can say191.

about someone-that is, that all she wants is to be settled down with a man-I'd done my level best to hide it.

Few people knew my shameful secret.

"Claire, do you like this Adam?" she asked in concern.

I was amused to note that Adam had gone from being "the gorgeous Adam" to "this Adam" in a matter of minutes.

"Of course I like him," I told her, laughing at her horror. "He's delicious-or hadn't you noticed?"

"Handsome, I grant you," she said cautiously. "But what do you know about him?"

"I know that he's nice and he makes me feel smart and beautiful and desirable."

"Claire, don't forget that you're very vulnerable right now. You are are on the rebound." on the rebound."

"No kidding?" I said. I thought I sounded very clever.

"Anyway," I said with great curiosity, "what are you doing, encouraging me to have a fling with him and then when I say I will you go all judgmental on me?"

"Sorry, Claire," she said humbly. "I really am. It's just that I thought it might be an ego boost for you to know that he liked you. But I didn't think for a second that you'd actually do anything about it. You're such a one-man woman that this has come as a little bit of a shock."

"Laura, I'm a no-man woman at the moment," I reminded her.

"I know, but you love James so much that...I don't know...I just didn't think that you'd even consider anyone else."

"Things change, people change," I said. "I don't know how I feel about James anymore. All I really know is that being with Adam is lovely."

Laura suddenly pulled herself together.

"Well, if that's the case, you couldn't have picked a bigger hunk to have a fling with. He's so good-looking. And so nice. Smart too," she added as an afterthought.

This was good coming from Laura, who is usually more concerned with the organ between his legs than the organ between his ears.

"And you'd better get into training." She grinned. "Didn't they give you exercises to do to tone yourself up? Pelvic floor 192 exercises or whatever they're called. You don't want sex with Adam to be like throwing a sausage up O'Connell Street."

"Thank you, Laura," I said dryly. "You make me sound like such a catch."

After Laura left I just couldn't settle down.

There was no one around.

Anna had done another of her disappearing acts.

Helen apparently was at Linda's, although I was glad about that. I was feeling so guilty about Adam that I don't think I could have looked her in the eye. I was pretty sure that Adam wasn't her boyfriend, but it might be a good time to find out for sure.

On the other hand, I didn't necessarily want to find out that he was in fact her man. What would that tell me about him? That he was some sort of weirdo who got great enjoyment from wrecking homes and pitting sister against sister and tearing families asunder.

If Adam was Helen's man then I would back off immediately and have nothing further to do with him. That part was easy.

But what if Adam wasn't Helen's man but Helen wanted him?

Well, if Adam wanted her also, then the same principle applied. I would back off immediately and have nothing further to do with him.

But what if Helen wanted Adam and Adam didn't want Helen and if, delicious thought, Adam wanted me? Then what?

That was a tough one.

I did love Helen.

God knows why, but I did.

And I didn't want to do anything to upset her.

No, really, I didn't.

The best thing I could do was talk to Adam about all this. Just ask him straight out what the story was between himself and Helen.

"My God, Claire." Mum scowled at me as I changed the television channel yet again. "What's wrong with you? Can't you sit still? You're like someone with a feather in her underwear."

"Sorry, Mum."193.

Just then the phone rang.

"Jesus, Claire, my foot!" yelped Dad, like a dog with his tail caught in a door, as I raced to answer it and crushed several of his metatarsals in the process.

"Hello," I gasped into the phone.

"Hello, is your daddy there?" slurred a voice on the other end.

"Dad," I called. "Daaad!" Auntie Julia for you."

Dammit, I thought. That meant Dad would be on the phone for hours; Auntie Julia was impossible to get off the phone when she was drunk. She usually called to apologize for doing something like cheating at a card game. A game that had taken place as recently as about forty-five years ago.

Why was I so bothered about the phone's being free anyway? I wondered, nimbly sidestepping Dad as he grumpily hobbled past me on his way to the phone.

Had anybody said that he'd call me?

Was I expecting any calls?

No and once again, no.

I sat down in the hall to eavesdrop unashamedly on Dad's conversation with Auntie Julia. It usually made for interesting, if slightly bizarre, listening.

"Now, Julia, listen to me," Dad said agitatedly. Oh dear, I thought, it must have been a very important card game for Dad to be getting so upset.

"Dampen a tea towel and throw it over it immediately!" he roared into the phone.

Oh good, I thought, as I realized that Auntie Julia was only in the process of attempting to burn her house down and wasn't calling up for a long, remorseful conversation.

"No, under the tap, Julia, under the tap!" Dad yelled.

How on earth had she been proposing to dampen the tea towel? Best not to think about it.

"Now, Julia, I'm going to hang up the phone here and you're to do the same," said Dad slowly and carefully, as if he were talking to a four-year-old child.

"And you're to dial 999 and ask for the fire department," he continued.

"And then you're to call me back and tell me that you've done it and that they're on their way."

He slammed down the phone and leaned against the wall.194.

"Christ," he said, looking exhausted.

"What's she done now?" asked Mum, who had appeared in the hall.

"Somehow she's set the oven on fire and it's gotten out of control," sighed Dad. 'God, will it ever end?"

The phone rang.

"That'll be her calling back," said Dad, as Mum reached for the phone.

"Hello," said Mum.

Then her face changed.

"Yes, she's here. Who's calling please?"

"It's Adam, for you," she said, handing me the phone with an expressionless face.

"Oh," I said, taking the receiver from her, exhaling with relief.

This was what I had been waiting for all evening, without even realizing it. was what I had been waiting for all evening, without even realizing it.

"Hello," I said, delighted but trying to hide it in front of Mum and Dad.

"Claire," he said in his lovely voice. "How are you?"

"Fine," I said, a bit awkwardly. Mum and Dad were still standing in the hall, both of them looking at me.

"Get lost," I hissed at them, waving my free arm.

"We've a bloody emergency on our hands," Dad barked. "Get off that phone!"

"In a minute," I told him.

"One minute," he said threateningly.

But then the pair of them left.

"Sorry about that," I told Adam as Mum and Dad returned reluctantly to the sitting room. "A minor family crisis."

"Is everyone okay?" he inquired anxiously.

"Fine," I said.

I was the one who felt anxious now. Was he worried because he was concerned about Helen? About his girlfriend girlfriend Helen? Helen?

"Claire," he continued, "I hope you don't mind my calling. I mean, I don't want you to feel as if I'm plaguing you. Just tell me and I'll stop."

Plague me all you like, I thought.195.

"No, Adam, of course I don't mind you calling me. I like talking to you."

"Great," he said. I could hear the smile in his voice.

I sat on the floor and started to settle in for a comfortable hour or so of conversation.

And as I did so I heard the rattle of someone's key in the front door.

"Oh God," I said as I heard Helen bellow, "I'm home. Feed me! Or I'll report you for neglect."

"What is it?" asked Adam.

"Helen's here," I said.

"Oh is she? Well say hello from me."

"No, I won't," I blurted out.

"Why?" he asked, sounding shocked.

Helen passed me in the hall. She winked and gave me an enchanting smile.

"Hi, Claire, your boots are lovely," she said, and continued on. Sometimes-in fact, usually when I least expect it-she can be so sweet and so charming that I could kill her.