"I can see that."

"Yeah, I guess you can." He scratched the back of his neck, his only nervous tic. "Kinda stupid pointing out the obvious, huh?"

"No, it's nice. Thoughtful." I settled onto the blanket and nervously arranged my dress over my legs as he sat across from me.

We were both quiet and just looked at each other for a while. It was strange how Paul and Bobby were the only people I felt like I could simply be with and not feel like I had to fill the silence with small talk.

Paul smiled and fidgeted with his hands.

"What?" I said. "What are you thinking?"

"Nothing."

"No, what?"

"You look nice. I like your dress."

"You're just trying to flatter me."

"Maybe a little," he said. "Is it working?"

"A little." My face got hot and I knew I was blushing.

The wind blew gently, bending the taller gra.s.s near the far edge of the field. Paul and I had spent time together before, but this seemed different. We weren't kids anymore, simply pa.s.sing the time with games and stupid things while the adults did the important things of life.

"I brought you something," I said and reached into the deep pocket Mother had sewn into my skirt.

Paul's attention went to the small package of brown paper and twine that I'd handed to him. "What's this?"

"Just something I made for you. It's not much, but . . ."

"Really?" He peeled the paper away and unwrapped the straw doll that I'd made for him the other day. His eyes went wide.

"Do you like it?" I asked.

He cradled it in his hands. "I love it."

"You do?"

"You made it, so I love it. Thank you. I'll keep this forever and think about you every time I see it."

"I hope so," I said. And I meant it.

We talked for a half hour as the sun sank lower in the sky. We talked about what we liked and didn't like about living in the swamps, how I loved math and how he hated it. How his father wanted to bring him into the moonshining business even though Paul didn't want to.

"Well, what are you going to do then?" I asked.

"I'm going to be in a rock band."

"Rock band?" I asked. "Does your father even allow you listen to that kind of music? Mother never lets us listen to anything other than that old gospel music."

"He lets me when my mom's not around. My dad says the music he grew up with was the last time rock and roll was good. He lets me listen to all of his old records-Led Zeppelin, Queen, the Eagles. I'm even learning to play the guitar."

There was a long pause in the conversation and he scooted closer. "I thought about you all day, Eden."

I hesitated. "I thought about you too."

"Really?" He blinked.

"You seem surprised."

"Well, a little bit. What'd you think about? I mean, when I crossed your mind."

I shrugged. "I don't know. Little things, I guess. It's stupid. Forget it."

"No, tell me. Just one thing."

"One thing?" I said.

He held up one finger. "Just one, then I won't ask anymore. Promise."

I fidgeted with the blanket. "All right then. This morning I thought about how you kind of snort when you laugh really hard."

"I don't snort."

"You do. A little, but it's cute."

"I must get it from my mom."

I laughed. "I think you're right. I've always liked it, though."

"If you like it then I'm happy. What else?"

"You said one thing."

"C'mon, just one more. Please," he said. "Then I'll tell you something I like about you."

I looked at him and smiled. "Well, there's the way you make me smile. You always know what to say to me. No one else treats me like you do. It's . . . nice. Besides Bobby, you're my only real friend. You accept me for who I really am."

"Liking you is easy. You're perfect, Eden."

"No," I said. "Don't say that. I'm not."

"Maybe not in your mind." He gently placed his hand on top of mine. "But you are."

The warmth of his skin against mine sent a shock up my arm and through my whole body. I drew a short breath. For a moment I felt like that one touch would send me soaring on the wind and high into the sky.

"Would your father approve of you holding my hand?" I asked.

Paul's eyes shifted to the tree line. "What he doesn't know won't hurt him." He had a far-off look when he said it. So he was here without his father's knowledge. He had taken his own risks to be here with me.

His fingers lingered across the back of my hand. I knew he was as nervous as I was because I could feel the slight tremor in his hands. "Do you see me as more than a friend?"

I hesitated. I felt like I was standing on the edge of a dam that was held together by a single pebble, and I was about to kick it loose. I wanted nothing more than to do just that no matter what might happen because of it.

"I don't know. I think so."

His eyes searched mine. His mind was churning, I could practically hear it. But what was he thinking? What if he didn't really like me too?

"Yes," I said. "I like you."

Paul smiled and squeezed my hand. "You know I like you too. I kinda think of you as my girlfriend."

Girlfriend. I liked the sound of that.

I turned my hand over until my palm pressed against his, and I held his hand. Wrong or not, I felt something special for Paul and I wanted him to know it. But only him.

"Girlfriend," I said. "What does that mean? I've never been anyone's girlfriend before. And what does it mean that you're my boyfriend?"

Paul caressed my hand with his thumb. "It means we'll be here for each other. Always. I'll protect you and think about you. Just you, no one else."

I smiled. "I like that idea."

"We're growing up, Eden. No one can stop that, not your mother or my father. Even they know that part of growing up is loving someone."

I stopped. Looked him in the eye. "Love?"

"I've never felt this way about anyone before. Have you?"

I shook my head slowly.

"How else do you describe it?" he said.

"I don't know. But love, it seems-"

"It seems right, doesn't it?"

I nodded. "I think so."

In that instant I'd kicked the pebble away and now joy crashed through the dam like I'd never felt before. Joy that I don't think could have any other name but love, and not in the way Mother or Father loved me. But it wasn't just happiness that spilled out. It was fear too. Mother would eventually find out. She would know how Paul felt and how I felt about him. What would happen then?

"Eden!" Bobby yelled from the tree line. He held his turtle high over his head. "Can we take the turtle to the lake now?"

How long had we been there? "I'll be there in just a minute, okay? Then we'll go to the lake."

"When can I see you again?" Paul asked.

I turned to Paul and held his hand tighter. "I don't know."

"Tomorrow. You always have the free hour at four, right?"

"But my mother-"

"Won't have to know why you came. Did she know today?"

"No," I said.

"See. As long as we're careful no one will know. If no one knows then why can't we see each other?"

I released his hand and stood to my feet. "All right. Tomorrow, a little after four. I'll probably have to bring Bobby."

"Eden!" Bobby yelled.

"I've got to go. Mother will come looking for us if we're not back soon."

Paul stood and took my hand again. "I'll be thinking about you tonight."

"I'll think about you too."

"Do you promise?"

"Promise."

He took a step closer until his body brushed against mine, then leaned close and kissed me lightly on the cheek. "Tomorrow can't come soon enough."

I closed my eyes as his warm lips lingered on my skin. I was sure my heart would explode just then. Nothing else mattered and the world fell away. There was only Paul and me. And his kiss.

He stepped back and gently wiped his thumb on my cheek where he'd kissed me. "Tomorrow."

"Tomorrow," I said softly. But inside I was singing at the top of my lungs.

17.

MOTHER HAD always told me that the reason we ended and started each week with a ritual baptism was to, once again, get rid of the old and make all things new. That's why every Sunday morning Mother, Wyatt, Bobby, and I would gather in the holiness shed, as Mother called it, and drown me. That's why Mother would lay seven straps against Bobby's bared back. That's why she would recite scripture, and rejoice after our sin was properly dismissed through the lamb and goat.

I was the lamb and Bobby was the goat, because I was born beautiful and Bobby was born ugly, she said.

I always felt much cleaner after baptisms each Sunday, glad to be rid of all of our sin. However much I hated the thought of being held under water until I was sure I was going to drown, I loved the feeling of being saved even more. The first few hours following my cleansing were always the happiest hours of my week, if only for the peace that purification brought me. We all felt it. Manna from heaven, Mother called it. Euphoria from G.o.d.

But none of that had prepared me for the exhilaration that had swept me away in the field with Paul the previous afternoon. I spent the rest of the evening and the following morning walking as if I were on a cloud, heart throbbing with feelings I hardly knew existed.