Fusae gritted her back teeth and turned the cold doorknob. The door was unlocked and opened easily, cigarette smoke wafting out.

She saw the backs of three men, sprawled out on a sofa in front of the TV. The one who looked the youngest noticed Fusae standing there. "Yeah?" he said, as if he couldn't be bothered. Fusae took a step forward. The man who'd spoken to her stood up, and the other two stared at her.

"Whaddaya want, old woman?"

The man who'd stood up approached her. The other two had gone back to watching TV.

"I never intended to ... sign a year's contract," Fusae managed.

"Huh? What's that?" the young man said as if he hadn't heard her.

"I never intended to make a year's contract!" she shouted. "And I want you to cancel it." Things started to swim before her eyes, and she felt about to faint. At the shout, the two on the sofa turned around again.

"I want you to cancel it!" she shouted, the spit flying. "I don't have that kind of money, so you have to cancel it!"

The bag in her hands swung around as she spoke and struck a shelf. The three men burst out laughing, but Fusae didn't hear them.

"I've struggled all my life. And I'm not about to let people like you make a fool out of me!"

Her breathing ragged now, Fusae strode out of the office. She bumped against the walls on both sides as she walked down the corridor. If they want to come, let 'em If they want to come, let 'em, she thought. They want to laugh at me, let 'em They want to laugh at me, let 'em. But beyond the door to the office there was no laughter, no footsteps about to chase after her. The gloomy hallway was so silent it was creepy.

The setting sun was just grazing the horizon. Yuichi was standing on the far edge of the cliff following a pair of seabirds with his eyes as they flew off into the sun.

Without waiting for sunset, he walked back to the caretaker's shack at the lighthouse. It wasn't warm inside, but he could feel how chilled he'd become standing on the cliff.

On the plywood board was the sleeping bag that Mitsuyo had folded up, the orange-juice pack she'd drunk, the box of chocolates she'd eaten, the pebbles she'd lined up. Yuichi sat down on the folded sleeping bag. He could feel the cold concrete below the plywood board.

While he was hiding in the thicket, snow that had accumulated on the leaves had fallen onto his neck. He'd shrugged his shoulders at the cold and the melted snow ran down his back. Mitsuyo was just buying a few things at the convenience store and should have been back a long time ago. Worried, he'd emerged from the bushes. Just before Yuichi came out on the main road, he spotted a policeman walking from the bus stop in his direction. Yuichi quickly hid behind a light pole. The policeman posted a notice of some kind on a bulletin board across the street, and started walking back toward the bus stop.

Yuichi waited, checking out the situation. He was just about to step out onto the main road when a patrol car, siren blasting, roared by. He hurriedly hid again behind the light pole.

He waited another five, then ten minutes, but no Mitsuyo. Maybe she'd noticed the patrol cars, too, and had taken the path, the one past the shrine, back to the lighthouse. Thrusting aside weeds as he went, Yuichi made his way up the hill. But no matter how long he waited at the lighthouse, Mitsuyo didn't return.

Yuichi flicked at the pebbles of different sizes and colors she'd lined up in a neat row on the plywood board. Did they mean anything? Yuichi scooped them up. As he squeezed them, they clicked against each other in his palm.

Mitsuyo ... He called her name as he fingered the pebbles. No other words came. A sudden commotion was coming from the base of the hill. Usually he and Mitsuyo couldn't hear anything from down there, but now something ominous was filtering up the slope. He called her name as he fingered the pebbles. No other words came. A sudden commotion was coming from the base of the hill. Usually he and Mitsuyo couldn't hear anything from down there, but now something ominous was filtering up the slope.

Pebbles still in his hand, he ran outside. The sun had set now, and the border between the sea and the mountain had vanished. Red lights of a patrol car were visible among the faint lights of the town below. Not just one, but many, coming from all directions, red lights converging on the town. Sirens, like waves, rang out from down below.

In all the commotion, the mountain seemed all the more silent. Yuichi turned away and gazed at the towering lighthouse. It soared upward, as if propping up the night sky.

He remembered when he was a child, when his mother abandoned him and he'd stared across to the lighthouse on the other shore.

"I'll be right back," his mother had told him, and disappeared. Yuichi had believed her. He waited and waited but she never returned. It must be because I did something bad It must be because I did something bad, he'd thought. And he'd tried his hardest to think what that could be. But no matter how hard he thought about it, he couldn't figure out why she'd be so mad at him.

The last ferryboat was just leaving then. Yuichi, tired from waiting, was walking along the pier when a little girl ran up to him from the parking lot. She must have just learned to walk, for she didn't seem to know how to put the brakes on her running feet. Yuichi reached out and held her to stop her from running. The little girl's look of relief was something he could clearly picture, even now. As the girl's father ran over and lifted her up, the girl reached out to Yuichi and offered him the stick of chikuwa chikuwa in her hand. Yuichi declined, but the girl's father said, "We just bought it, so please go ahead," and he handed it to Yuichi. Yuichi thanked him and took it. in her hand. Yuichi declined, but the girl's father said, "We just bought it, so please go ahead," and he handed it to Yuichi. Yuichi thanked him and took it.

When he thought about it later, he realized that from the time his mother left him, until the next morning when one of the ferry workers discovered him there, all he ate was that stick of chikuwa chikuwa.

Yuichi tossed the pebbles in his hand at the lighthouse above him. Mitsuyo ... Mitsuyo ... he thought again. The pebbles flew in all directions, only the largest one actually striking the base of the lighthouse. he thought again. The pebbles flew in all directions, only the largest one actually striking the base of the lighthouse.

Mitsuyo might be in one of those patrol cars. She might have been arrested. If they grabbed her, I have to go rescue her. Go right away and tell them, "I wanted her to come with me. I threatened her and made her come with me." No. Mitsuyo will be back. No way the cops got her. She bought a lot of things at the convenience store and will come back, a smile on her face, saying, "Sorry I'm late!" She said she'd be right back. She smiled when she said that, when she left If they grabbed her, I have to go rescue her. Go right away and tell them, "I wanted her to come with me. I threatened her and made her come with me." No. Mitsuyo will be back. No way the cops got her. She bought a lot of things at the convenience store and will come back, a smile on her face, saying, "Sorry I'm late!" She said she'd be right back. She smiled when she said that, when she left.

Yuichi picked up a stone from the ground and flung it hard against the lighthouse.

Without Mitsuyo, all he felt was pain. Mitsuyo is off somewhere Mitsuyo is off somewhere right now, alone right now, alone, he thought. The last thing I want is for her to feel this kind of pain. It's enough that I feel it The last thing I want is for her to feel this kind of pain. It's enough that I feel it.

The bark of the tree broke off under her grip and stabbed beneath her fingernails. Mitsuyo gritted her teeth, not giving in to the pain, grabbed a thin branch, and stepped up on top of a boulder.

The woods were pitch-black and wherever she stepped were fallen dead trees. Dead trees she could handle, but not the moss-covered rocks. She slipped on them over and over, tumbling to the damp ground.

After she climbed out the window of the police station, her only thought was to get to the top of the hill, to the lighthouse. On the way, as she was running through the garden of someone's house, an old woman sitting on the porch had called out to her, but she clambered over the wall without looking back and ran into the dark woods.

The snow piled up on tree branches and leaves and she could barely make out her surroundings. She'd lost all feeling in her fingers. She looked up and saw the sky beyond the branches ahead of her. If she could make it that far, she would be at the lighthouse, where Yuichi was waiting. The bushes she grabbed on to had thorns; the thin branches bent back and snapped into her face.

Still she climbed on, clambering over the rocks. The sorrow that had swept over her in the back of the patrol car was pursuing her, and would catch her if she stopped for even a moment. She no longer had the willpower to consider what she was doing, or what she had done. All she wanted was to see Yuichi one more time. It hurt not to have him by her side, right this instant. He was there at the lighthouse, waiting for her, and she couldn't stand to make him feel any lonelier.

She had no idea where this strength was coming from. Or where she found the power to love someone so much.

"Yuichi!"

With each freezing branch whipping across her face, she bit her lip and called out to him.

Yuichi's at the lighthouse, waiting for me. I know he's waiting for me. Have I ever had a place like this before, ever? And I can make it there.... If I can only make it, I'll be with the one who loves me. In all my thirty years, have I ever had a place like this? But I've found it now. And that's where I'm heading.

Mitsuyo grabbed at the cold branches with her numb hands and climbed up the wet rocks.

On this day the temperature in the northern part of Kyushu fell below zero degrees centigrade. At five p.m. the decision was made to temporarily lower the speed limit on the entire Kyushu Expressway. Chains were required for cars driving through the mountains and fog started to envelop the cities. The evening news announced that a snowstorm was coming that night and reporters feared that traffic would grind to a halt. It was after five-thirty when Mitsuse Pass was closed to traffic. This announcement scrolled across the TV screen during the entertainment-news report and soon disappeared.

Just around that time, an old woman showed up at a police station in a small harbor town. She explained that twenty minutes before, a young woman had crossed through her garden and gone up into the hills behind. The patrolman, terribly pale looking, took down her report and hurriedly spread a map before him. Today, for some reason, this sleepy harbor town was crawling with police.

Up the hill behind the old woman's house was a lighthouse that was no longer being used. The assembled policemen's fingers rested on top of the map.

"I asked where she was going but she went into the hills without even looking around once."

The policemen didn't hear this last explanation from the old woman, for they were already out the door.

Around the same time, Yuichi had decided to come down off the mountain and was packing up the sleeping bag inside the caretaker's shack. He knew he'd be arrested if he came down to the town, and wouldn't have a chance to ever use the sleeping bag, but still he shouldered it. With the candles out, the shack was dark, though he could see his cold white breath.

Once he came out of the shack, the disturbance in the town below was louder. The police cars that had been scattered about the town had now formed a line of red lights headed up from the foot of the hills to the lighthouse.

Yuichi went limp. He could barely stand.

And then it happened. Branches in the dark thicket shook, and he heard Mitsuyo, feebly calling out his name. "Mitsuyo!" he yelled out.

"Yuichi!" she called back. Branches shook and snow slipped from the leaves. Yuichi leaped over the fence and raced into the dark thicket. Mitsuyo's hair was full of dead leaves and twigs, her fingertips were bloody, her eyes wet with tears.

"I couldn't leave you, Yuichi."

Yuichi blew on her frozen, numb hands.

"I ... I escaped. I couldn't stand to say goodbye...."

Yuichi stroked her chilled body. Mitsuyo's cheeks were so frozen even his own cold hands felt warm.

He put his arms around her and was leading her back into the shack when Mitsuyo saw the line of patrol cars heading up the logging road and stopped short. The red lights were getting closer to the lighthouse. Sirens echoed through the hills. Yuichi gave Mitsuyo a little shove.

Inside the shack, Yuichi took the sleeping bag from his bag and spread it out. He tried to get Mitsuyo to sit down, for she was clearly exhausted, but she clung to his neck. The sirens were nearer.

"I'm so sorry. I couldn't help you. I'm so sorry," Mitsuyo sobbed aloud as she clung to him. "I knew you were going to get arrested, and yet I begged you ... to run away with me.... If only I hadn't been so selfish...."

Yuichi held her close as she sobbed.

"I couldn't help you at all," she cried, "but you stayed with me.... I'm such a terrible woman, yet you're still holding me.... Don't say anything, just hold me.... It's so hard-so hard when you're kind to me like this. I hate myself-I never did anything for you. I'm terrible ... terrible. I told you to go to the police then.... And then I stopped you. God, I'm so awful."

Yuichi listened. As her cries became louder, so did the sirens. The line of patrol cars was drawing nearer the lighthouse.

Yuichi finally had to peel Mitsuyo away from him. For a moment she stood there, trying to bury her face in his chest, but Yuichi refused to let her. He refused and stood staring right into her wet eyes.

A red light shone through the window of the caretaker's shack, dyeing Mitsuyo's wet face red. When she noticed the light, Mitsuyo tried again to cling to Yuichi. Footsteps drew nearer.

"I'm not ... the kind of guy you think I am," Yuichi said, and roughly pushed Mitsuyo away, and she fell to the plywood board.

Mitsuyo's short cry echoed in the room. The policemen's flashlights shone in from the far window, the beams crisscrossing each other. And right then, Yuichi straddled Mitsuyo and laid his cold hands on her neck.

Mitsuyo, wide-eyed, tried to shout. Yuichi closed his eyes and squeezed her neck hard. Behind him, the door slammed open and flashlights shone on the two of them.

Let me see, now, when was that? It was when I still looked forward to the homemade lunches he made for me, so it must have been not long after we met.... We were eating the lunches in one of the private rooms and talking about something, I don't remember what. Oh-yes I do. It was about our mothers.

I'd totally forgotten about that, but after he was arrested they had all those talk shows about him on TV. And that jogged my memory. His mother was on one of those shows and she nearly tore the head off the interviewer, she was so angry. "I've been punished enough!" she shouted. And when I saw that, I suddenly remembered what we talked about back then.

I was raised by my mom, just her and me, and it might sound strange considering what I do for a living, but the last thing I wanted to do was worry my mother. And when I told him that, he got all serious and said, "Don't tell anybody else, but every time I see my mom I'm always pestering her for money."

A pretty ordinary story, I thought, and gave some noncommittal response. But he looked so serious and probably felt bad, like he wanted to apologize or something. Really, though, it sounded like it was going to be a boring story.

Then he said something unexpected. "It hurts to pester her for money I don't really need."

So I went, "Then you shouldn't do it." I laughed but he thought for a while and then he said, "Yeah, but both of us have to be victims."

At first I didn't get it and was going to ask him what he meant, but right then our time was up and the phone rang.

That was it. He brought me lunches many times after that but never mentioned his mother again.

In the news they've been running stories about him and the confessions, I guess you'd call them, of that girl who was with him to the end, the one he nearly killed. Playing these stories up big, right? Every time I see these, it still gets me. His face when he said that. Yeah, but both of us have to be victims Yeah, but both of us have to be victims.

It makes me kind of want to meet that woman, the one from Saga he took with him. Something about the way he looked back then, I just can't shake it.

I know meeting her isn't going to change anything. Maybe if I send him a letter or something.... On second thought, I shouldn't get involved....

Maybe it's like he said in his confession, that at the pass, and at the lighthouse, he was carried away by this sudden urge to kill. Maybe he really is is that kind of person.... that kind of person....

I finally opened my little diner, but had to close it last month. I guess luck wasn't on my side. I got sick soon after we opened.... So now I'm back at my old job. I used all my savings to open that shop, and after I closed it, I needed money to live on.... It makes me kind of scared when I consider my age, but I couldn't think of anything else to do.

It's like I told you. I don't have anything more to add, or anything I want to correct.

I get a kick from driving women into a corner. When I see women like that, scared and suffering, it turns me on. I never noticed it before, but I think I always had those feelings inside me. My first confession was what the reporters picked up on and ran with. But I did say those things. And I am that kind of man.

I didn't chase after Yoshino Ishibashi because I was planning to kill her. We'd made a date, but then she told me she didn't have time for me. And then she got into another guy's car right in front of me. One word of apology from her, that's all I wanted.... So I followed her, and when I got to the pass she'd been kicked out of the other car.... I tried to help her, but she refused, said she was going to the police, and before I knew what was happening I'd strangled her.

Maybe it was like that detective told me, that maybe when I was strangling her I realized for the first time I get sexually aroused by women who are suffering. And that's why I didn't turn myself in, but went looking for another girl. Mitsuyo Magome just happened to get in touch with me right then, so I made a date to meet up with her.

When they arrested her, Miss Magome apparently said she went with me of her own free will, but I think it's because I intimidated her and psychologically backed her into a corner. I told her how I murdered Miss Ishibashi, and I think she understood what an evil person I am, that she couldn't escape, and that made her submit to me.

In fact, Miss Magome did exactly what I told her, and since I didn't have any money it worked out well to have her along.

She stood by me, apparently testifying that "I was never intimidated or treated roughly," but I think that's also like the detective said, that even after she was freed she couldn't shake off her terror. You could turn that around and say it confirms what I said: that I used fear to control her.

The whole time we were together, she was jumpy. Everywhere we went-when I told her about how I killed Yoshino, when I forced her to go to a love hotel with me, when she sat in the passenger seat of my car, when we arrived at the lighthouse. She was nervous and scared, and that got me excited.

The detective told me how my grandfather died the morning after I was arrested. He did his best to raise me, and I feel awful about putting him through all this in his final hours.

I feel sorry for my grandma, too, for what I did. I heard how she went to visit both families-the Ishibashis and the Magomes-to apologize. And how they refused to see her ...

My grandma's a timid person who can't do anything on her own, and it hurts to think about that.... My grandparents are totally innocent in all this. Totally ...

I wrote a letter to Yoshino's parents, but didn't get a reply. Not that I should expect one. Or I guess I should say I know I don't have the right to send them a letter. I can apologize all I want, but it'll never be enough, I know that. Doesn't matter the reasons behind what I did, the fact remains that I did something that can never be undone. I think I should die in order to apologize to them. That's the only thing a person like me can do. But until that day, all I can do is put my hands together in prayer to beg their forgiveness, and keep on apologizing.

I did bad things to Miss Magome, too, I know that, and if the police had shown up a few minutes later, she might have ended up like Yoshino. I'm absolutely sure of this. From the first moment I met her, I may have been imagining that scene, and those feelings.

I've said this over and over, but I never liked Miss Magome. She was a source of funds for me when I was on the run, so I pretended to like her. And as I did, I think I started to deceive myself into thinking I really did feel that way about her.

Now when I rethink it, I realize it didn't have to be Miss Magome. It didn't necessarily have to be her....

If I hadn't met her, though ...

If I never had met her, I don't know ...

That night, when Yoshino shouted, "I'm going to report this to the police!" I could have insisted that she was lying, but I didn't think anybody would believe me. Like no one in the entire world would trust what I say. That terrified me, and I ended up doing what I did. But somehow I couldn't admit deep down to myself what I'd done.... Which is how I wound up taking the coward's way out and running away ...