She slanted him an amused glance. "Did you know that Gideon went out and found me a stuffed toy from that old movie Gremlins Gremlins?" She'd put it on her night table. Sometimes, when he got up to get a shower or otherwise had to leave her, she'd wake to find he'd placed the plush creature in her arms, like a protective totem.

"It doesn't surprise me." He sat down on a stool, his slacks pulling attractively at a length of thigh as he braced a hand on it and leaned forward, studying the slide of her blood. He'd also taken some saliva and a skin swab. His forehead creased, but the firm line of his mouth was approval.

"Good. The serum is helping, isn't it?"

"Yes, it has been. You're right-it's only extreme stress that knocks it off-kilter. And Daegan and Gideon both think I need to figure out ways to release stress, rather than trying to block it."

"Wise idea. But I'll keep working with the injection serums to see if I can't help with it as well."

For the first time, Anwyn was calm enough to notice something amiss. "Where's Debra?"

"In the hallway." Brian straightened, made a few notes on a small laptop at his elbow. "With vampire hearing being so acute, I wanted to ensure you could speak freely. She'll warn us if there's anyone lurking about."

"Hmm." Anwyn studied him. "I'm surprised you had this injection ready."

He shrugged. "I told you I'd keep working on it, refining it. It's unfortunate that you had a seizure here, but it may become a blessing. Vampire events like these will be far less stressful if you don't have to worry about concealing your seizures to protect yourself. In my report, I intend to suggest, with a great deal of truth, that your unique situation could hold answers to other medical challenges we face." He gave her a direct look. "My opinion does not carry much weight on many things, but it does on the science. It may make them far more tolerant of your existence, and once you're out of sight, safely under Daegan's care, you'll be mostly forgotten as they pursue higher-priority objectives."

She drew deep breaths as she felt the injection work with those rattled nerves, the snarling whispers in her head. Brian's warmth and rea.s.surance were a G.o.dsend, but also puzzling. She wasn't the cynic that Gideon or Daegan could be, but Brian was an ambitious, eighty-year-old vampire. And she was too protective of Gideon and Daegan to keep from asking.

"You've helped us so much, so please don't be offended, but I can't imagine your favor to Lyssa extends to you risking your backing by the Council."

"You'd be surprised," Brian said dryly. "Plus, the favor is a two-way street. There's no harm in having the friendship of the Queen of the Far East Clan and her mate. Or that of a vampire a.s.sa.s.sin." He gave her a look that came the closest she'd seen to mischief, somber in tone though it was. "The second-most powerful vampire, Lord Mason, also owes me a significant favor. Having that triumvirate-Daegan, Lyssa and Mason-interested in my well-being can only be a good thing, if my work here runs afoul of the Council. I do support their governance, but I'm not blind to their weaknesses, or how they could hurt my species."

At her look, Brian inclined his head. "Many scientists will lie to you, Anwyn. Tell you that science isn't political. The truth is that vampires and humans both are intensely political by nature. Politics is the concern with the balance of power, and there is no living creature that can claim exemption from that, because those interactions and relationships are how we survive. Much of science, ironically, has been about denying our connection to Nature and how important it is to stay balanced with it, but I won't block myself from any possibilities. That's because I have one objective. To help my species survive."

She'd been told that eighty years was young to vampires, but seeing the sudden intensity in Brian's gaze, she thought that he might be maturing at an accelerated rate. With his intriguing mix of distracted professor and Machiavellian awareness of his actions and the actions of those around him, she suspected far more tangled issues than medical cures were being worked upon in Brian's agile brain. Because he was a vampire, she knew that could be highly amoral ground. He would bear watching. At the moment, he was a friend, but she was a close observer herself, and the way Daegan interacted with all vampires, even one like Brian, whom he claimed to trust, told her there was an unpredictability to them that shouldn't be underestimated.

It was as if the entire world she inhabited had become like her most volatile dungeon sessions, where the senses had to be on high alert, always ready for anything.

"There are so few of us, Anwyn," Brian continued, more quietly. "While it may not seem that way, that's because you're part of our world now. We're cloistered together because we're so interdependent. But at last count, there are no more than five thousand vampires in the world. That is why, as feudal and barbaric as it may seem, the Council built the Region and overlord system to keep everyone working closely together, something not entirely easy for those of a predatory nature. We're more like cheetahs, who hunt and live alone, than wolf packs. Lady Lyssa had a remarkable, chilling ability to understand what structure would ensure our survival and progress. She allowed room for both compa.s.sion and cruelty, the art of war as well as the art of velvet-over-steel diplomacy.

"To keep my eye on that ball, I must stay clear of the politics. Which, ironically, means I must stay very cognizant of where all the interweaving threads are. It's like negotiating a laser beam security system around a large diamond."

"So it's like that adage, isn't it? The best person to lead is the one who doesn't want to be the leader." She gave him the teasing prod without a smile, but he shook his head.

"A true leader does want to lead, because he or she believes the goal is important. The more appropriate adage is that a person takes a leadership role, not because he or she wants to be important, but because the job itself is important."

She sighed, put her head down into her hands, drew another deep, shuddering breath. "I don't think I've ever done anything that horrible . . . or astounding, in all my life. And Gideon . . . I don't know what to say to him. I'm learning how to be a Mistress in this world, and though Daegan said I'm uniquely suited to it, this is different."

"Hmm." Brian cut and transferred several lines of powder into a waiting beaker. "You know, I remember having a conversation with Gideon one of the times you were unconscious, after a seizure. I told him I wasn't concerned about how he would handle helping you within the boundaries of your apartment. I was worried how he would handle the vampire world. He told me, in that charmingly brusque manner of his, that you'd get another servant for that. That he was just here to patch you through your transition." Brian gave her a sidelong glance. "He also informed me he didn't give a s.h.i.t about my rule spouting on 'letting a servant go.' He said that Daegan, or I, or even one of the Council, could kill him-or try-but no one was locking him into anything. Do you know what I found interesting about that?"

"What?" She felt the dull pain she always did at that side of Gideon, that stubborn wall he refused to break down. She could get around it in myriad ways to the soul beyond it, but it was always temporary, and the wall held firm, no obvious door or window through it.

"I found it very interesting that he didn't say anything about what would happen if you you wanted to lock him into it." wanted to lock him into it."

She lifted her head, met Brian's eyes. "You think I'd force him to that?"

"I think it would be easier for him to do what he truly wants if you did. I think he will spend the next three hundred years with you, Anwyn, always claiming he'll only hang around 'as long as you need him.' A caught bird who just needs the illusion of the open door."

"That may be true," she said. "But if he does that, he'll never know the pleasure and happiness of true surrender. He'll never get past his wounds and heal." She pressed her lips together. "And, selfishly, I'm not that kind of Mistress. I won't be able to tolerate him standing, straddling a threshold, for much longer. I've never wanted a male to surrender to me the way I want him to do it. He'll do it in temporary fits and starts, but it's not the same as him stepping all the way across. We both know it.

"My need for his total surrender may be the vampire blood, or the way I've always been, just waiting for the right guy. In that case, his timing sucks or is a great coincidence." A tight smile touched her lips. "Regardless, soon I'll want all or nothing, and I think he knows that. We had one night, one session, before this all happened. He's seen the Mistress in me come forward in various ways since then, but his responses have been buffered by a different perception."

"He rationalizes his responses as helping you cope, rescuing the damsel, not truly surrendering as your servant."

She c.o.c.ked a brow at him. "You're a little scary, you know that?"

When Brian had been staying with her, she'd occasionally been able to surprise a rare smile out of him, one that was uncalculated and genuine. He was attractive, as all vampires were, but the curving of his lips emphasized his unique, handsome appeal, and gave her a glimpse of the younger, less regimented side of Brian. One that she saw sometimes in his interactions with his servant and probably explained why Debra was more attached to him than the girl thought was wise for her heart. Brian wasn't the only observant one.

His usual serious mien settled back in place. "Your ultimatum, whenever you feel it's appropriate to deliver it, may be what he needs. That's more your area of expertise than his. However, as far as your discomfort with what occurred tonight, I can tell you that whenever it involves your well-being, there is nothing he will not do for you.

"During our month together, he did a wide variety of things I never expected to see a hard-core vampire hunter do, particularly this man. I admit it was all I could do to keep my eyes from bugging out of my head when I saw him behind your chair tonight. Then there were the things he did to keep you from despairing when I was treating you. Your seizures, the aftermath-you only truly tolerate Gideon's or Daegan's hands upon you. No matter how gentle I tried to be, you'd become so violent at my touch we had to abandon that in favor of getting you restrained as quickly as possible."

"The problem isn't what he'll do for me. It's what he'll give himself."

Brian nodded. "That's my hypothesis as well. Though I'll leave the testing to you." Giving her a sedate wink, he made another note on his laptop. "Given the fact you already knew all this, why does tonight disturb you so much?"

"I hope that's a clinical question, because I would think that's obvious," she responded dryly. "Yes, he's been everything I need right now. But he's my third-marked servant. I can read everything in his mind, down to his soul. Gideon never wanted to be any vampire's servant. There's far too much water under that bridge. How many vampires has he killed? How much carnage has he seen of those who take their full quota or exceed it? Or even one innocent, annual kill he was too late to save? I think he loves me," she admitted, aware of Brian lifting his brows. "Or rather, he loves Anwyn, the residual human woman that lies within this new form. But he can't accept the rest."

"Do you think he has a choice?"

"As long as I say he does." She gave a tight smile. "That's the vampire talking, right? I may give up every other aspect of my humanity, but that was the core of who I was, Brian. Everything I did in those rooms as a Mistress, I knew was consensual. It was what the man who submitted to my touch wanted, even if he couldn't bring himself to say it. I knew that with Gideon, too, the night he came to me. Now I truly have full access to his mind, and I don't have to be guided by instinct alone; I can't fool myself about what he is or isn't. If I give him that ultimatum, and I will, he'll walk." A tight smile crossed her face. "No matter what rules you or Daegan 'spouts' about allowing a servant to walk away, I'll let him. And have to hope he'll come back."

"Hmm." Lord Brian sat back, crossed his legs. He pushed the laptop aside, instead picking up a steno pad to jot some handwritten notes. Anwyn had noticed that Debra kept a healthy stack of them, because the scientist's mind was constantly figuring some random problem, the way someone else might do crossword puzzles as they mult.i.tasked. He seemed to prefer an organic connection with paper and pencil.

"Did you know one of the most difficult variables in scientific inquiry is subjectivity?" he asked, sketching something out that looked like a chemical formula. "Many scientists consider it a plague they go out of their way to avoid, such that they actually incorporate it unconsciously. For instance, the fear of anthropomorphizing animal behavior out of sentiment means we often dismiss out of hand the ways species are obviously similar to us in how they feel pain, express emotions and needs, leading to horrific cruelty. When they do things like that, scientists ignore a basic truth. That all life is connected, and there are are similar motivations between many species. Including vampires and humans. similar motivations between many species. Including vampires and humans.

"Your fear of becoming something that takes choices away from him can cloud your judgment. Yes, he wants nothing to do with our world. No, he may not be suitable servant material. But that's only one side of the scale. If his love for you exceeds his aversion of our world, if his ability to accept our world is greater than his ability to give you up, then that changes things for him. I was there in that room tonight. I know you felt what the Council required was horrible. But I also saw a chance for a knight to prove his worthiness to his chosen lady . . . and lord"-his gaze flicked up, quick and intense-"and as such, he embraced it, lost himself in it. That's the sign of a true servant, some of the best ones I've met. Including his brother."

Anwyn had felt it, seen it, as well, but he was right. She was so afraid of what she was becoming, she couldn't fully accept it as truth. But hearing it from Brian, she knew he was right.

"If he did love you enough to truly become your full servant, despite what you feel inside of him, his feelings toward our world . . ."

She bit her lip. "No matter his love, I'd know I was destroying his soul a little bit every day."

"But perhaps his love will protect his soul. Perhaps you would need to trust that. Perhaps you would have to believe in his choice, accept his gift."

"Ignore what's in his mind."

"Accept that humans are more than what they seem, at face or thought value." Lord Brian shrugged. "Think of behaviors you may have, entirely at odds with what you believe about yourself. Humans only use a small percentage of their brains, and we don't use much more. That means a great deal of it is uncharted territory, and I expect much of that has to do with the true needs of the soul, which they spend a great deal of time denying. One of the things pleasant about vampires is that there are many things we don't deny ourselves. We accept what is rightfully intended to be ours."

"That's incredibly egotistical."

"Yet it's incredibly straightforward. We don't waste a lot of time agonizing. And it's amazing how often it works out exactly as it should." He gave her an absent smile, still looking down at the pad. "I know you're making faces at me."

"Can't prove it."

He chuckled. "You obviously had siblings."

"Yes. I did."

He lifted his gaze, met hers. After a moment, he gave her a nod. "I'm sorry for your loss, however it happened. It doesn't change the fact that our lives don't always go the way we we intended. But sometimes the path we end up following was meant to be. Human obsession with sacrifice can be a not-so-good thing sometimes. Desires also have the ability to be G.o.d's road map to show us which direction to go." intended. But sometimes the path we end up following was meant to be. Human obsession with sacrifice can be a not-so-good thing sometimes. Desires also have the ability to be G.o.d's road map to show us which direction to go."

At her ironic and curious look, he lifted a shoulder. "The best scientists firmly believe in a Divine Principle. There's entirely too much order and well-timed chaos in this universe to be otherwise."

Anwyn c.o.c.ked her head. "Did that balanced perspective come from your human mother, your vampire father, or neither?"

He looked momentarily surprised at the intimate question, but before she could think she'd offended him, he gave her a light smile. Fishing a pewter disk out of his pocket, he handed it over.

The etching was small, words circling around a tiny heart. Death's wisdom is finding, at the end, that you think only of those you loved, and why you didn't love them more. Love is the only true force that endures. Death's wisdom is finding, at the end, that you think only of those you loved, and why you didn't love them more. Love is the only true force that endures.

"When I turned twenty, she gave me that. I think she was trying to tell me something, more about servants than vampires. We are not a sentimental species, and my blood is more aligned with my father's than hers. But it is an unwise scientist who discounts wisdom when he hears it, merely because he doesn't yet fully understand or see it manifested in his life. Don't close yourself off to that."

When she returned the disk to him, he rose. In a blink, his manner changed, transforming from thought-provoking companion to the vampire who had seniority over her. The tone of his voice now reminded her of the pecking order of vampires, and what they could demand from those weaker than themselves.

"All that said, don't ever forget that trying to turn away from your fated path can have some extremely unpleasant consequences, especially in the vampire world. If you believe you are facing two evils, be sure you are choosing the lesser of the two. For both of your sakes."

Gideon had pulled on jeans and threaded in a belt. He was buckling it, watching her. She'd turned her back to him, presumably to study something on the computer, but he sensed it was more than that. He saw flashes of the conversation she'd had with Brian, but she was putting some effort into screening it, so he respected that, choosing a different tactic.

"Did Brian have any preliminary findings?"

"The serum's working as well as to be expected. He's still working on strengthening it for stressors. He said he'd give Belizar a truthful a.s.sessment of my current status, so I don't know what will come of it." As she propped her chin in her hand, a wave of sable hair spilled down her right shoulder, but it couldn't mask the strain in her face. "Daegan said not to worry, so I've decided I won't. There. Easy as that. I've never wanted to be home more in my entire life."

Sliding his hip onto her desk, he bent to press his forehead to hers. She allowed it, closing her eyes, and he cupped the back of her skull, holding there a soothing moment. "You're a remarkable woman, Anwyn," he murmured. "Do you know how f.u.c.king amazing you've been through all of this? I've seen battle-hardened warriors who couldn't handle what you've handled these past couple weeks. I think you should schedule some time to fall apart in the near future. You deserve that."

She pulled away, rising. The anger in her expression startled him, but he saw it wasn't directed at him, but at herself. "No. I don't deserve to fall apart, Gideon."

"Why not? You didn't ask for any of this, Anwyn. What makes you think you have to be more superhuman than anyone else?"

"Well, there's the pot calling the kettle black again. You and Daegan just trade the honor back and forth." The tension in her body became more p.r.o.nounced. "I wasn't just flogged half to death."

"Stop. Please." He rose, biting back a sigh as she merely detoured, did a lap around the couch. He could feel it in her, the worries she was juggling like the proverbial hot potatoes, afraid of dropping one, holding tight even as they burned her fingers. He marked her track around the room and this time when she made the circle, he successfully made the intercept, catching both hands.

"Hey." Fortunately, when she tried to shove away, evade him, she forgot she could use vampire skills to do it. Catching her waist, he turned them so they tumbled into a deep chair, her across his lap. He gathered her into him with unyielding arms.

"I'm not a baby. Stop it."

"I know that. Hey, I do. Relax." When she glared at him, he cupped the side of her face. "You're the scariest thing I've ever met. But I still think of you as my baby. Just as Daegan does. No denying it, even if you kick our a.s.ses over it." He teased her lips with a finger until she gave him an irritated look and snapped at him. Then the fight went out of her and she had her arms around him, holding him so tightly he thought he might have heard his ribs creak. He didn't mind, holding her back the same way.

"I was afraid of losing it in there," she murmured. "So afraid, because if I lost it, I knew I might lose you. I hated it."

"For a moment or two, I think all three of us were ready to open a can of hurt on that group of losers. We would have all gone down together. Shhh . . ." He pressed his head down on hers, twisted his hands so her hair curled around his wrists, both holding her fast and making her feel he'd attached himself to her, a silken tether. He was starting to know how this particular Mistress worked, how she reacted to the reminder of her slave's devotion and nearness.

"You think you've got me all figured out."

"I'll never do that, but I'm picking up clues. Why don't you think you're deserving, Anwyn? What's going on with that?"

"It doesn't matter, Gideon. Just let it drop."

"Everything about you matters."

It made her mouth soften, but her fingers were clamped together, her body tense, as she leaned back in his arms, lifted her face to look up at him. Unfortunately, that little shift inappropriately woke another part of his body, the one that had been revved up in high gear during the dinner but not allowed to release. It woke to full, impressive life against her soft b.u.t.tocks. He winced. "Sorry."

"No apologies needed. I might have a use for that." She gave him a feline smile, but he pushed the l.u.s.t that infused his brain aside and tried to focus on the point at hand.

"We're not talking about me. Whatever this is about, does Daegan know?"

"No. Well. I guess he could find out now, if he wanted to do so." She sighed. "Fine. I guess withholding it turns it into this big dramatic moment, and I don't deserve that, either. Plus, it was a long time ago."

But her muscles refused to relax. He caressed her back, squeezed her. "Please tell me."

She closed her eyes. "You remember, a while back, I told you my aunt and uncle took us in, like yours did. But my uncle . . . you know."

"Yeah." His fingers flexed on her, a rea.s.surance and protective anger at once.

"I had a younger sister. Beatrice. I called her Trice." She shifted, rubbed a palm over the side of her face as if something was irritating her there. "I don't want to draw this out. Long story short, as I told you, my uncle was a sleazebag who liked young girls, preferably those who'd just hit p.u.b.erty. I was thirteen and didn't quite understand what he wanted until one night when my aunt was gone. He pinned me down, tearing at my clothes. Trice hit him with a bat. I was so frightened, I ran."

"Good." Gideon relaxed his fingers from the fists that wanted to smash into the uncle's face, but then he saw her expression. She shoved out of his lap, moved away, her fingers raking through her hair. This time he let her go, sensing her need for s.p.a.ce.

"No, it wasn't. I ran ran. My uncle was enraged, aroused, and he had something to prove. He raped my little sister. She was nine nine. Nowhere near p.u.b.erty. She'd just started envying the fact I could wear a bra and she couldn't yet. Liked using my makeup, trying on my clothes, imagining how she'd look in them eventually." Her voice broke, but then she got it under control by dropping to a lower octave. It made her sound more savage. Her fingers were claws, digging into her biceps as she wrapped her arms around herself. "She fought him. She was brave where I wasn't, my nine-year-old sister, and though he raped her, she kept fighting him. He hit her in the face, over and over, to get her to submit. He broke her neck, and she died."

"Oh, son of a b.i.t.c.h. Anwyn." He rose, wanting to hold her again, but she shook her head, looked at him with such gla.s.sy-eyed vehemence he knew she was shoving back tears, an emotion she also didn't think she deserved.

"I ran ran, Gideon. When I did, I discovered there is nothing as horrible, not in the entire world, as failing someone when they truly need you. There's no pain or fear that matches that, even if you think so at the time. Right?"

As their gazes held, he remembered a girl in a yellow dress soaked with blood, who'd begged him not to leave her, but he had. She'd died alone among the stink of fear and monsters lingering in the shadows. Coming back to that, and to her still body, had chilled him in the marrow of his bones, such that he wasn't sure they'd ever know warmth again. "Yeah," he said.

"So what happened to me in that alley, I hated it. It was horrible. This . . . inability to control what's happening to my body, that's almost unbearable. But I would endure it all over again, every day. h.e.l.l, I'd let Fate magnify it ten times, if I could turn back time, go back to that moment and not run. To take what she did, so she'd still be alive. Which means I can can endure all of this. And I will." endure all of this. And I will."

She straightened, looking fierce and endearing to him at once in her strength and fragility. It broke his heart when she tightened her jaw and extended a hand, lacing her fingers in a knot with his that held, a shared bond. "I'll not only endure it; I will continue to live my life and be everything I want to be, because that's the gift my sister gave me. Daegan is right. To even indulge for a moment the idea of giving up, taking my life or just dying . . . I abhor that this can make me feel that way most of all." She gazed at their clasped hands. "But one thing a Domme knows is that you can't control everything you think or despair. You can only do your best to get past it. To keep getting past it, and live in the moment every day. That's what I remember when anything gets too awful. To live in the moment if it's good, or remember that it's only only a moment if it's bad." a moment if it's bad."

"Okay," he said quietly. "But you need to get past this idea that you don't deserve it, that somehow your sister hates you for what you did." He saw that in her mind, too strong and illuminated to ignore, though she gave him a reproachful look for the breach of privacy. He pressed forward, though. "People, at the root of it, they just . . . When it comes down to pain, it's different."

He rubbed a hand over his face, realizing generalities weren't going to cut it. "There was this one vamp I killed. It was one of those that Daegan mentioned before, where it was self-defense on my part, and he had a female servant." He swallowed, the memory still a tough one, but this was for Anwyn's comfort, not his. "Sometimes it takes two or three minutes for the servant to die after the vamp does. I ended up staying with her, holding her hand until she pa.s.sed, lying on his chest."

He lifted his gaze to hers. "I'm supposed to hate her for the fact she chose to be the servant of a guy who did unspeakable things, but when she looked at him, she didn't see that. It didn't mean she was right, or less blind, but when she needed a hand to hold while dying, because she was afraid, I couldn't deny her that. And in that moment, she didn't seem to mind her last comfort came from her killer. Things are always more complicated, and less complicated, than we think they are. Wherever your sister is, she loves you, and she's hoping like h.e.l.l you're happy, because she knows you deserve it. I don't have to know anything else about her to know that. Because I know she loved you. There's just no way she didn't."

Tears filled her eyes. Her chin firmed again, holding them in, the fragility and strength warring against each other so fiercely. He knew she needed that battle, so he let her have it, though he suffered watching it. She didn't move for long moments, and he didn't disturb her, merely holding that connection as she found that balance she needed between the horror of her memories and the volatility of their present, and how she would rise above both. He would give her whatever strength she needed to do both, and so was content to stand there as long as she needed him to do so.

Her gaze lifted to him, her eyes telling him she heard his thoughts. She had a personal struggle about that as well, thoughts he wasn't sure he wanted to hear. But as her lips parted to speak what he was trying to avoid reading, they heard the sound of footsteps in the corridor.

Both of their heads turned immediately toward the door. Anwyn slanted Gideon a smile, the shadows of her past lingering but obviously already being drawn back into the corners of her mind, where he knew she'd bury them even deeper than her gremlins could find. "Look at the two of us. We both perked up like a pair of spaniels, didn't we?"

"If it's all the same to you, I'd prefer to be a more masculine breed."

"How about an ox?" she asked sweetly, and then fended off his pinch with an indignant swat as Daegan came through the door.