Evan said something in reply that Sasha couldn't hear.

"She's not going to be single forever," Teebow said. "If you miss your chance you'll regret it. She's a nice girl. She's a looker. She's smart. What's not to like?"

Sasha heard a chair sc.r.a.pe across the floor.

"I do like her," Evan said more forcefully. "But-."

"No buts," Teebow said. "Get your a.s.s out of that chair and go talk to her. Life is short Evan, much too short. Don't waste it. These chances don't come around too often. Next thing you know you'll be 30 like me, single with no love. I don't want that for you. What's in your way?"

She heard Evan clear his throat.

"I can't go there," Evan said his voice deep and low. The sound was so soft she strained to hear him. "If I do I'll lose myself."

Sasha felt her stomach clench at the pain in Evan's voice. He sounded full of despair as if the prospect of love would destroy him. Teebow went into the room and Sasha envisioned him crouching down and putting a hand on Evan's shoulder.

"It doesn't have to be that way," he said.

"It does for me, otherwise why go there?" Evan said his voice gaining in strength. "I don't believe in halfway. I'm all or nothing."

There was quiet for a moment and Teebow reappeared in the doorway slouching against the door frame.

"I hear fear talking. If you don't take a chance you're going to have a lonely life," Teebow said. "I know. Don't follow my path."

Teebow ran a hand through his afro and covered his eyes for a minute.

"It's not fear. Or at least I don't think it is. It's just how I was raised," Evan said gruffly. "You commit to something, you stick with it. There is no end. There's no out."

"That sounds awfully limiting," Teebow said."It's not like you're going to marry this girl. Just get to know her. Take her to a movie. Buy her an ice cream. Spend some time together. Maybe you'll discover you don't like her."

"It's not that simple," Evan said his voice full of tension. "I wish it was."

"Do you need someone to give you permission to live life a little?"

"He's dead," Evan said finality in his voice like he was ending the conversation.

"Well that's easy then," Teebow said. "We need to let go. I've done it a thousand times. I'll teach you how."

"I don't think you understand," Evan growled.

"Sure I do. You think I'm raising my little brother because I'm such a great guy? Naw. I love him, but a 30-year-old bachelor shouldn't have a 17-year-old kid."

"My dad didn't go to jail," Evan snapped.

There was a silence between the two men for a minute. "I'm sorry," Evan said stumbling over his words.

"Don't you be sorry," Teebow said. "You're right. My ma's in jail and your pa is dead. They still left us. It's all the same."

She could hear Evan swallow. "Maybe."

Teebow coughed. "You should tell her what's going on. I'm sure she'll understand."

"What would I say? I have such a f.u.c.ked up life?" Evan pleaded. The sound of his voice broke Sasha's heart. She felt a stab of pain in her chest and was desperate to help him.

"That's a start," Teebow said gruffly. "I'm sure she can take it. She seems strong. Look what you two have already been through. That kind of s.h.i.t pulls people together."

Sasha heard a shuffling in the office and saw Teebow lean back as if to make room in the doorway for someone to pa.s.s. Sasha snapped into action, she didn't want to get caught eavesdropping. She fumbled with her wallet and tried as quietly as possible to move back toward the washroom. She banged her elbow on the door jam and swore noiselessly. She eased into the bathroom as Evan stepped into the hallway. He didn't even look in her direction.

"Is there something I can do?" Teebow asked as Sasha listened through the partially opened door.

"I wish," he said and walked away. Sasha let the door shut with a soft click. She closed the lid on the toilet and sat propping her face in her hands. Tears spilled down her cheeks through her fingers and her head ached as she kept hearing the anguish in Evan's voice. She understood his hesitancy and reluctance. She agreed with Teebow, Evan sounded scared. She could relate to his reluctance, she didn't always understand her own feelings.

She used a tissue to blot the moisture from her face. Her eyes were going to look red and puffy. As Evan's words echoed in her head she mourned her loss of hope. She now realized there was no possibility of a relationship with him. He was broken and she didn't know how to fix him.

A knock on the door startled Sasha into action.

"Just a minute," she called and jumped off the toilet, flushed it and ran water in the sink. She splashed some on her face and dabbed the droplets with paper towel. Sasha snuck out of the restroom without either Teebow or Evan seeing her. They were too busy whispering to each other and serving customers. She returned to her club chair and pulled her book in front of her face. The words swam in front of her eyes. She couldn't concentrate on Faulkner when there were more important issues to a.n.a.lyze. She peeked at Evan over the top of her book and nearly dropped it when she realized he was standing in front of her.

She clasped the book to her chest trying to hide her shock. "Hey," he said putting a coffee on the table and sliding into the seat opposite her. He smiled at her casually as if there had been no deep, emotional confession in the office with Teebow. She smacked her head when she realized she wasn't supposed to know about that.

"Hey back," she said cheery, too cheery. She shook her head dismayed that she kept doing the fake happiness routine.

Evan's smiled widened. "Having fun?"

She frowned at her book. "Not really." She stuffed it unceremoniously in her bag.

"You need a ride home?" He asked casually. One of his eyebrows rose in a question. How did he do that? For years she'd tried to get one eyebrow to move but both seemed stuck together.

"Aren't you working?"

He shook his head. "Just finished."

She didn't want to think of an excuse. If he wanted to spend time with her she wasn't going to deny him. She tried to remain mindful of his office talk. He was more than clear that he didn't want a relationship.

"Sure," she said gathering her things. He shrugged on his leather coat, grabbed the coffee cup and led the way out of the cafe. Teebow waved wildly at her as the door swung shut. It was nice to have a cheerleader in her corner, no matter how unsuccessful.

When she snapped on her seatbelt she notice Evan was staring at her. His blue eyes were hooded and she couldn't read his expression, it was somewhat blank.

"You wanna go for a drive?"

"Isn't that what we're doing?"

"No I mean go somewhere."

Sasha's mouth dropped open in surprise.

"Where to?" Why was she asking so many questions?

"I was thinking Mount Bonnell. I wanna see if the view has changed since the last time I was there."

"When was that?"

He looked at his watch. "About a week ago."

Sasha laughed.

"We could get sandwiches and hang out until sunset."

"We could," she said hesitantly. She wanted to know why he suddenly had a change of heart. She couldn't control herself when she blurted, "What are you doing?"

"Not sure," he said. "Let's not put a label on it."

She was ok with that.

Sasha nibbled her sub not wanting mayonnaise to squirt out and dribble down her shirt. She wasn't the most coordinated eater. She was so focused on eating neatly she didn't notice Evan staring at her. His eyes were round and full of questions as if she were the one holding back on him.

"Has anything happened since Nefar?"

She shook her head and took a big bite hoping that would signal she didn't want to talk about Nefar. She wanted to know how his dad died, why he was so afraid to date and what did he mean when he said he would lose himself?

She couldn't ask the questions because then he'd know she'd heard every word he said. She had to think of a clever way to get him to talk about himself.

"Didn't you say your grandmother did all the cooking? Does she live with you and your parents?"

He blinked as if she asked something unexpected. His mouth opened and moved but no words came out. Then he laughed loudly in a way that sounded a bit like a bark.

"I have no parents," he said.

"Oh," she said stunned to silence. She didn't know anyone who didn't have parents. Sure a lot of her friends parents weren't together like Jenna's but she didn't know any orphans. She wanted to ask what had happened and yet she didn't want to be intrusive. She waited for him to continue and hoped the ploy would work.

"My dad died in Iraq," he said. "I've lived with Nan since. She used to take care of me when he was on deployments so it wasn't that big of a change."

He took a bite of his sub and chewed. She didn't ask any more questions and hoped he would elaborate on his family situation like explain where his mother was.

"Nan works in a printing shop," he said. "She's in her sixties and has no hope of retiring because of me."

The bitterness in his voice startled her. Evan was mostly gentle when he spoke or on occasion angry. She'd never heard him speak harshly. He sounded like he hated himself for being a burden to his grandmother. She didn't hear self pity but only disgust that he was putting his grandmother through such an ordeal.

"I'm sure your grandmother loves you," she said trying to be rea.s.suring. It was the only thing she could think of saying without asking where the h.e.l.l his mother was and why wasn't she taking care of him.

His head shot up startled and his eyes widened as if her were shocked by her words. "Don't get me wrong," he said. "My grandmother doesn't complain."

She nodded her understanding and didn't want to utter another word for fear he'd misunderstand what she was trying to say.

"It's just that it's been unnecessarily hard for her since my dad died," he continued. "It's not like my mother has ever helped."

Sasha kept quiet hoping he'd continue. He watched the boats below them making white drifts and waves in the calm lake. They were tiny specks on the large blue canvas of water.

"She kidnapped me when I was five," he muttered as Sasha gasped. She leaned toward him to hear better as he told her a story so depraved she had a hard time imagining it if Evan weren't painting her a clear picture.

"My parents were already divorced when she took me," he glanced at her shyly from over his shoulder. "It was supposed to be for the weekend but we never came home. I can't say I remember a lot. I was only five.

"My dad and I were living in San Diego when she picked up me up at school. She didn't have visitation rights because of the drugs."

He stopped talking for a minute and took a deep breath. "She took me to Seattle. She didn't have a place to live; we just slept in the car. It was one of those old station wagons with wood paneling on the sides."

He picked at the gra.s.s growing between the rocks. "I don't remember much, but I remember being hungry, all the time."

He patted his flat stomach hidden behind his sweater and leather coat. "We spent the days panhandling and at night my mom shot up or snorted or smoked whatever drugs she could get her hands on. She never spent the money on food. Why would you when you could buy drugs?"

He laughed bitterly and stopped fidgeting. He tucked his arms around his calves and rested his chin on his knees. He'd stopped glancing her way and stared off into s.p.a.ce as if lost in his memories.

"My poor dad had no idea what had happened to me. He took an emergency leave from the military and hit the road. It turns out my mom is from Seattle. Eventually he found us by staking out a food bank that we frequented.

"When he found me I hadn't bathed in a month or eaten in a week. I was skin and bones. He took pictures. I still have them. I wish I could remember more, you know, so I could really appreciate how my mother tortured my father and me."

When he was done he rested his mouth on his knees. His shoulders drooped as if he'd finally released some tension that he'd been carrying around all night. Sasha scooted closer to him and rested her hand on his. She leaned her head close to his ear and whispered.

"That was terrible," she said holding back tears. She could envision a small starving Evan wandering the streets of Seattle begging for money in filthy pajamas.

"Is she dead too?" she said softly.

"I wish," he said with a trace of anger. Sasha coughed at his honesty and tried to cover her shock. "She's not a good person."

Sasha was often angry with her mother but she'd never wished her dead. That was such a permanent solution to her problems. Despite the difference, she could see where Evan wanted his mother to disappear forever. She'd caused him and his father pain and had probably never made up for it.

"Have you seen her since?"

Evan shook his head. "I occasionally get birthday cards with five dollars inside."

Sasha was lost in her thoughts as she replayed what he'd told her. She wanted to erase Evan's pain and had no idea how to do it. Tracking his mother down was probably not a good idea considering he didn't care if she was alive or dead. She couldn't fathom how a kid got over that kind of neglect and abandonment.

"Forget that," he said with a forced smile that didn't touch his eyes. "I didn't come up here for a pity party."

He shoved the remains of his sandwich in his pocket and grabbed her hand. He pulled her along a rocky uphill path to reach the top of the mountain that overlooked Lake Austin. Since it was only March they didn't have to wait too late for sunset like they would have if it were summer.

The water was calm and blue. A few boats dotted the vista as they crisscrossed along the narrow lake that was home to gigantic mansions on the sh.o.r.es. It was February but the weather had turned balmy and some boaters obviously were never deterred by season or weather.

Evan pulled her onto a huge rock and sat on the edge with his legs swinging from side to side. Sasha joined him and made sure their legs weren't touching even though she wanted them to.

"This is one of my favorite places," he said folding his legs on the rock, wrapping his arms around calves and resting his chin on his knees. "I feel calm here."

"Hmmm," she said listening intently.

"We're on the edge of a city and you wouldn't know it."

The sun dipped behind the hills on the other side of the lake, a burning orange globe disappearing behind black peaks. The colors weren't as vibrant as in the summer. The sun fell fast in the winter with the brilliant colors lasting a few seconds rather than minutes in the summer. The night turned dark quickly after the sun disappeared behind the craggy rocks.

"Up here I feel like anything is possible. I can do anything. Be with anyone," he turned to Sasha and smiled. He picked up her hand and kissed the palm. She was so astonished she gaped at Evan. He laughed at the expression on her face, placed her hand on her lap and patted it. A small grain of hope sprouted in her chest as she warmed to his touch and kiss. It was quick and fast but she felt it down to her tingling toes.