aDear Lord,a she said, laughter bubbling in her voice. aI think you better get a condom right now because I donat know how much longer I can wait before I flat out attack you.a If she was kidding, she was only half kidding. The look in her eyes was pure desire. She wanted him. She wanted him.

Sam dove for the top drawera"and the handcuffs pulled Alyssa with him, right off the bed.

She landed on top of him, laughing giddily at his pratfall as if Buster Keaton were her idea of a dream lover.

She kissed him hard, straddling him as she reached between them to ensheath him with her fingers. He nearly lost it. Just like that, he almost came in her hand.

And she knew it, too. She was laughing at him now, but he loved it, loved the sound. He pulled her hips forward so that she had to let go of him, so that she covered him with the heat between her legs instead. And then there was only a small slip of white satin keeping him from paradise.

Dear Holy Father. He wanted her naked and he wanted her now. Her bra had a front clasp that was made out of plastic, and he took it and twisted harda"and it snapped in his hands.

aShit!a But, again, she was laughing. Head broken the damn thing into pieces, and he would have laughed, too, except there she was, so impossibly perfect. He wanted to look and touch and taste all at oncea"there was no time for him to laugh.

She moved against him, murmuring her approval as he rolled her nipples first between his fingers and thumb and then between his teeth and tongue. Her head went back, and she arched her back, and it was all he could do to keep from tearing her panties off and burying himself inside of her.

He had to get a condom.

But his condoms were in the drawer of the bedside table that now towered above him. He would have to sit all the way up, and even then he wasnat sure he could reach.

He wanted . . . He wanted . . . He slipped his fingers beneath the edge of her panties, finding her slick and hot from desire.

He looked backward, up at the bedside table again, and when he looked back, Alyssa was watching him. She knew what he wanted. She wanted it, too.

She crawled forward, until she could lean even farther across him. Until she could reach the drawer and slide it open. Until she was straddling his chest instead of his hips. Until that white flash of satin was right there, nearly in his face.

He couldnat not do it. He couldnat possibly resist. He shifted down and kissed her, breathing in the sweet muskiness of her perfume.

Her thighs tightened around his face and she gasped. But she didnat pull back. And that was all the invitation he needed.

He reached up and tore her panties free, and then, oh yes, he was in heaven.

The sounds she made were incrediblea"laughter mixed with pure, desperate pleasure. She wasnat at all shy about letting him know how much she liked what he was doing.

aThis isnat fair!a He didnat bother to answer her. She had absolutely no idea how incredibly, wonderfully fair this was for him. It was stupendously fair. Amazingly fair. Deliciously fair. He held her tightly, so that unless she really tried, she couldnat get away.

She didnat really try.

Her breath came faster and the sounds she made were more frantic, until she gasped, aSam, please, I want to come with you inside of me.a He let her go.

She had a condom in her hand, already unwrapped, and Sam sat up so that together they could cover him.

She was breathing hard, her hair tumbled down around her shoulders. She was breathtakingly beautifula"he wanted to freeze time so he could look at her and memorize her, so he could have this moment to remember, pure and clean and crystal clear, for the rest of his life.

This moment, this amazing, anticipation-charged, here-and-now moment, was without a doubt one of the very best moments of his life. In a few seconds he would be inside of Alyssa Locke. He would be intimately joined with Alyssa Locke. They would be making love.

He laughed aloud, and she smiled at him as she slowly lowered herself on top of him.

Dear God, she was tight. He thought he saw a flash of pain on her face, and he nearly stopped breathing. aPlease donat tell me youare a virgin.a aDonat be ridiculous.a She laughed. aUnless virginity is something that grows back after four years.a aFour years? Since youave . . . ?a She kissed him, pushing his shoulders back down to the floor, pushing him all the way home. She made a sound that mightave been pleasure, mightave been pain.

aAlyssa, I donat want to hurt you,a he said hoarsely.

She laughed. aI donat want to hurt you either. How about I settle for making you scream? And you can do the same for me. After four years, I might have some screaming to doa"you up for that, Starrett? It sure feels like you are . . .a Silently, Sam shook his head. Who knew? Not even in his wildest dreamsa"and his dreams had been extremely wilda"had he imagined cool, controlled Alyssa Locke would dare to whisper such things, even in the privacy of a loveras arms.

She began moving on top of him, impossibly slowly, her eyes half-closed, pleasure clearly etched on her beautiful face.

Dear God, he was on the edge. He drew in a deep ragged breath, and she leaned forward and kissed him, her nipples taut peaks against his chest.

aIam really close, too,a she whispered, moving still so slowly, taking the time to completely caress every last inch of him. aBut you know, Sam, sometimes I think all you have to do is look at me, and Iall come.a That was it.

It was over for him. Sam felt his release rocket through him in that same exquisite slow motion. aAlyssa!a He heard her name as if torn from his throat, heard her answering cry, like some primal call and response, felt her body tense around him, as she, too, exploded with passion.

Sam held her tightly, long after the last powerful waves of pleasure had faded, long after shead collapsed on top of him.

aOh, damn,a she said, and he tensed.

Please God, no. No regrets or recriminations. Not now. Not yet.

Not ever.

aThe roomas spinning again.a She lifted her head to look at him, using her free hand to push her hair back from her face. aIt wasnat spinning a minute ago.a She smiled at him. aAt least not this way.a Thank you, God.

Her smile was the smile of his dreams. aDo you think if you took a break,a she asked, aif you maybe had a little of that ice cream thatas in the freezer to restore your energy, I could convince you toa"a aYes.a She laughed. aNow how do you know that I wasnat going to suggesta"a aI donat know for sure, but Iam sure as hell hoping,a he countered. aMaybe if Iam really lucky, youall have the bed spins all night long.a Her smile widened. aHow about I get you that ice cream? Start getting your energy level back up?a As he laughed, she climbed off of him, got to her feet. And nearly fell on her face when the handcuffs on her right wrist tethered her to him.

Sam caught her, steadied her, even as he cleaned himself up. God, she was naked. He just wanted to touch her. He just wanted to run his hands, his mouth, his tongue across every inch of her smooth, perfect body.

The hell with the ice cream. He was already half aroused again.

But he let her tug him into the kitchenette, taking the opportunity to watch her walk, naked, across his hotel suite.

The refrigerator was one of those mini ones, low to the ground, and she bent over to open the little freezer section, taking out the dish of ice cream. She handed it to him, but he set it down on the table, far more interested in using his one free hand to touch her. Her back, her shoulders, her arms, her breasts, those incredible legs . . .

She looked back in the main part of the fridge. aWhatas this?a There was only a bottle of Coke and a quart of milk in there and . . . aChocolate syrup?a She reached in and pulled out the squeeze bottle of Hersheyas that head picked up at the 7-Eleven. aDonat tell me you put this in your milk.a aOkay, I wonat.a She laughed as he pulled her closer. aDo you really?a aMilk, ice cream, corn flakes, you name it.a Sam shrugged as he nuzzled her neck. aIam not proud. Iam a chocolate addict.a She narrowed her eyes at him. aCome to think of it, I have seen you with peanut M&Mas on more than one occasion, havenat I?a aGuilty as charged.a aWant some of this on your ice cream?a She held out the syrup.

He answered her by taking the bowl of ice cream and putting it back into the freezer. How could he eat ice cream when all he wanted to do was touch her? He pulled her back into his arms, skimming his hands down her body.

aHmmm,a she said.

Oh, he liked the sound of that. He liked the way she was looking at the syrup, looking at him. His body was responding enthusiastically, even though it was still just a little too soon. But give him fifteen more minutes with Alyssa Locke and a bottle of chocolate syrup . . . Oh, baby, head be ready for anything.

She opened the top, squeezed some of the syrup onto one finger.

He took her hand, looked directly into her sea green eyes, and slowly licked her finger clean.

Alyssa shivered.

And Sam knew that no matter how much head loved chocolate in the past, from now on, it was going to hold an even more special place in his heart.

Eighteen

aEXIT HERE,a MEG said.

Nils glanced at her, and in the dim dashboard light, her face was grim.

This was it.

The moment of truth.

He knew she was going to have him drive down some deserted country road. Shead order him to stop the car, order him out. Probably threaten to kill Razeen if he didnat. Probably mean every word she said. Maybe even do it if provoked.

Nils had known this was coming. Head figured shead try to ditch him before dawn, and dawn was on its way. In less than an hour now, the sky was going to start turning light.

Head done some war gaming in preparationa"which was really just a fancy way of playing what if. But head run a bunch of different scenarios in his head. If Meg did X, then head respond with A. If Meg did Y, head do B.

And if Meg tried to ditch him in the middle of nowhere, head do his damnedest to control the situation. To make sure she dumped him near enough to a place where he could get his hands on a car. He could hot-wire damn near anything and be in pursuit of hera"without her knowinga"in a matter of minutes.

If he were in control of the situation.

Head also prepared by taking a nap. While the five minutes head caught by the side of the road had helped a little, head needed several hours of sleep in a row to erase the ringing in his ears and the radio voices in his head, to make him sharp enough to deal with this or any other situation.

And so had Meg. She was exhausted, too.

Shead been desperate to keep moving south, but head convinced her that getting killed in a car accident wouldnat do Amy and her grandmother a damn bit of good.

So head slept, right there in the driveras seat, in the shade of a rest area, for three blessed, revitalizing hours.

Nils had awakened to find Meg fast asleep, too, draped across the parking brake, her head in his lap, her handgun on the floor in front of her.

aDonat do this,a he said to her now.

aGo right at the end of the ramp,a she ordered.

That would take them away from the bright lights of the truck stop and gas stations that were next to the highway. But Nils saw a small sign that indicated the town center was to the right. Five miles.

Where there was a town, there were cars.

He made note of the odometer setting as he quickly took the turn, praying that Meg hadnat seen that sign.

She turned and looked at him now. aIam sorry, John. This is as far as you can go.a aMeg, please, youave got to trust me.a Nils knew that on some level she trusted him enough to move toward him in her sleep. Surely that was a start.

Now that they were here, actually playing out the scenario in which she kicked him out of the car, he didnat want to play along. He didnat want to do it this way.

Christ, maybe he should just overpower her. Take her gun. Tie her up and take her, kicking and screaming, to the authorities. Shead probably be charged with some major felonies, but, damn it, at least shead be alive.

The moment he stepped out of this car, the moment he left her alone, things could go wrong in a dozen different ways.

Razeen could wake up.

Nils might not find a car in enough time.

Even if he did, even if everything worked perfectly, he could lose Meg. Catching up to her with the kind of head start she was going to have wasnat going to be easy.

He drove as quickly as he could, wanting to get as close to the town as possible before she ordered him to stop the car and get out.

aWhy should I trust you,a Meg countered, awhen youave never trusted me?a Huh? Nils looked at her. She was serious. aAre you kidding?a he asked. aWhen have I ever not trusted you? In Kazbekistana"a aYou trusted me not to blow the whistle on Abdelazizas escape. Big deal.a aYeah,a he said. aIt was.a aYou know what I remember most clearly?a Meg said. aOut of all the things we did, all the conversations we had, both in K-stan and in Washingtona"there was only once that you actually told me anything real about yourself. It was when we talked about the Vietnam Wall. Do you remember that day?a aYes.a Head never forget it. Head kissed her, right there on the lawn of the Mall, failing her test.

aYou told me that your father and your uncle both served in Vietnam. You told me their lives had been changed by the experiencea"and that your life had been changed by it, too. You told me more about yourself in those few sentences than youad told me in weeks of nonstop conversation.a aHow can you say that?a he countered. aI told you my entire lifeas storya"a aExcept the part about your father serving in Vietnama"oh, you also took some liberties with the part where your mother died. That was pretty different in the version you told me in DC. Which is it, John? Did she die recently, or did she die when you were sevena"or was it six years old?a aSeven,a he told her.

aSo you either lied three years ago, or youave managed to remember the details of the lie you told me today.a aI altered the truth three years ago because I didnat want your pity,a he told her. aI donat want anyoneas pity. Thatas all I had after she died. Goddamned pity.a aSo you lied about your mother. Ora"excuse mea"you altered the truth. How about the rest of what you told me?a she asked. aWhat other truths did you alter? What other secrets about yourself have you kept hidden?a He laughed. aDonat be melodramatic. I donat have any secrets. I donat know what else you want me to tell you. My life was boring. I grew up on eastern Long Island. Big deal. I went to a private high school, got into Yale, joined the Navy. Thereas nothing to hide.a Meg was looking at him with those eyes that seemed to see into his soul. She didnat say a word, she just sadly shook her head.

aWhat?a Nils could see the faintest glimmer of lights flash through the trees, off to the right. Meg didnat see it because she was looking at him, but the town was out there, just to the north. He pulled to the side of the road on the pretense that he wanted to give her his full attention. Taking the car out of gear, he pulled up the parking brake and shifted in his seat, subjecting himself to the full brunt of her accusing eyes. aWhat?a aYou described this near idyllic childhooda"except your father went to Vietnam, and came back a different person. What did you say about him during that one time the truth leaked out? That even though he hadnat died, head lost his life over there. Yeah, John, thatas what you said. Your life couldnat have been this episode of Father Knows Best that you pretend it was. Oh, and throw in the fact that your mother died when you were seven. Sevena"you were still a baby. And your poor fathera"hereas a man whoas back from a terrible war, probably just barely keeping it together, and Iam supposed to believe that his wife dies and your life is perfect?a This was so not the time to lose his cool, but Nils felt a flare of anger. aWhat do you want to hear, Meg? You want me to tell you that my father drank too much some of the time? So what? Four billion other peopleas fathers drank too goddamn much. Itas nothing new. Itas no big deal.a She wouldnat back down. aI donat believe you. I see these flashes of this incredibly sensitive man peeking out through this, this . . . slightly bored, macho facade youave put up. I donat believe you werenat affected bya"a aWhen he didnat drink, he was perfect, okay? Thatas the way I want to remember him. Thatas the part of my life that I tell people about. I say what I say, and if they choose to interpret it a certain waya"a aBut what about the people who ask for the real story?a she implored him.

aNo one asks.a aI asked. More than once. But you didnat trust me enough to tell me the truth.a Nils didnat know what to say to that. Because she was right. He rubbed his forehead, trying to banish the worst damned headache of his life.

aYouare not the only one who lied,a Meg continued softly. aThree years ago, in DC, you asked me if I loved you, and I didnat answer. I lied by omission.a He looked at her. Was she saying . . . ?

aIt wasnat just about sex that night,a she told him. aIt was more than that, and it wouldave been beautiful, and in the end, that was why I let you go. I was afraid that if you did stay the night, Iad have to face everything I was feeling.a Nilsas heart was in his throat. aMega"a aLet me finish. Please. I need to tell you this.a She drew in a deep breath. aIave thought about it a lot since then.a She laughed shakily. aIf you want to know the truth, Iave analyzed it to death, trying to figure out exactly why I let you leave. The best Iave come up with is that even when I first met Daniel, uncertainty and, well, fear, I guess, was a part of what I felt for him. I loved him, but I was always afraida"afraid he was going to leave me, afraid I wouldnat live up to his expectations. You name it, I was afraid of it. Then later, when I found out head been unfaithful so many times . . .a She shook her head. aIt became a different kind of fear. Fear he was cheating on me again, fear that it was right there under my nose but I didnat see it, fear that the entire rest of the world knew but wasnat telling me. Fear that it was somehow my fault. That I wasnat good enough for him.a aI hear you say things like that and I want to kill him all over again. How could you thinka"a aThis isnat about Daniel and me,a she interrupted. aThis is about you and me.a That shut him up.

aI had to explain about Daniel, because before I met you, love meant being afraid. But with you . . .a She laughed again, and again it sounded so sad. aYou had no expectations, John. You just . . . liked me. I knew you werenat telling me the truth about a lot of things, but I never doubted that you liked me. I could see it in everything you did and said, and I loved the way that made me feel. I knew you werenat perfecta"in a lot of ways youare frighteningly similar to Daniel. All those secrets and deceptions. But when it came to our friendship, you had no ulterior motives and that was so refreshing. You know, thatas why it shook me so badly when you admitted you sought me out in DC to try to get revenge on Daniel.a aI told you that wasnat really what Ia"a aI know,a she interrupted. aAnd I believed youa"because I had this solid sense that you liked me. You liked me exactly the way I was. You didnat want to change me, you didnat disapprove of me. You were just so sweet and so wonderfully okay with me.a Sweet? aMega"a aJust listen, all right?a She looked down at her hands in her lap, at the weapon she still held. aIn the end thatas why I let you go,a she told him softly. aIad fallen in love with you, and I was afraid that making love to you and admitting to myself how much I did love youa"I couldnat have slept with you if I didnat. I was afraid making love to you would be such a . . . I donat know, a joyful, wonderful thing, I guess. Everything I felt for you was so clean and sweet and pure. So untainted. I was afraid of letting myself love you even for only one nighta"and I had no expectations that you truly wanted anything more than that, honestly. But I was afraid that after experiencing that, it would be torture to go back to the fear and disappointment that came with loving Daniel.a Shead loved him. Nils couldnat keep his mouth shut a second longer. aJesus, Meg, didnat you know that I wanted you to leave him? I didnat want just one night with you. I wanteda"a aAll I knew for sure was that I couldnat leave Daniel.a aWhy the hell not?a She looked up at him, looked him straight in the eye. aBecause of Amy. My daughter wanted me to try again, John. She didnat say it in so many words, but I knew. And Iad promised her Iad try. Before she went to England, I promised her Iad give Daniel another chance. She wanted her father back. And I wanted that for her, too.a aSo you sacrificed your own happinessa"a aYes and no,a she told him. aI sacrificed you. I sacrificed something that I wasnat sure was real. I sacrificed a chance. A promise of something that mightave been wonderful.a aIt would have been. Jesus, Iave always regretted leaving that night. And now . . .a aWould you have married me?a she asked him. aOr did you just want to sleep with me, John?a He shook his head. Marriage. Jesus. The idea still scared him. aI donat know. I wanted more than a one-night stand, I do know that.a She gave him a small smile for his honesty. aThat was a moot question anyway. If I had slept with you, it really wouldnat have changed anything. I wasnat going to leave him. That wasnat an option. And I did love him, too. Please donat misunderstand that.a Nils didnat misunderstand. But he couldnat believe her. He felt sick. Maybe if head been honest with her, if head given her what shead wanted and told her the truth about who he was and where head come from, maybe if head allowed himself to admit both to her and to himself that he was crazy in love with her . . . Maybe that would have changed everything.

aEven if youad told me you loved me,a she said, as if she could follow his thoughts, ait wouldnat have made a difference. I went back to Daniel for Amy.a For Amy. Head lost her because of Amy three years ago, and now here it was, happening all over again. Still, he understood. If it had been anything else, head argue, try to talk sense into her, try to change her mind. But a motheras love for a child went beyond sense and logic.

Nils didnat say anything. He just watched her, knowing what was coming, powerless to change it.

aYou better believe that if I could give you up for Amyas sake three years ago, I would do anything to save her now.a Meg shifted slightly so that she was facing the backseat. aIncluding kill Osman Razeen. Including . . .a She shook her head.

She held her weapon now with both hands, aimed directly at Razeenas forehead. aSo leave the keys, John, and get out of the car.a Nils didnat move. aNo,a he said. He laughed. aYou canat tell me you love me and then kick me out of the car. Thatas just . . . itas not fair.a aLoved,a she corrected him tightly. aPast tense. That was three years ago.a But she couldnata"or wouldnata"meet his gaze.

aYou know, most of the time, you still lie worth shit,a he told her.

She said it again, louder this time. aGet out of the car, John. Iam not taking you any farther.a aI need to come with you,a he told her. She wanted the truth? He would give it to her, stark, bare bones. aI need you to let me help you. Because I love you, too. Not past tense, present tensea"at least as much as you still love me.a Meg didnat say a word, but he knew she wasnat buying any of it.

aPlease,a he said, aif you stop and think it through, youall realize that you do need mea"now more than ever. Donat sacrifice me again, Meg.a There were tears in her eyes. aDonat sacrifice you? Damn right I wonat sacrifice you. Thatas why Iam doing this my way. And yes, thatas probably going to get me killed. But as long as thereas a chance that I can save Amy . . .a She drew in a deep breath. aBut I wonat risk your life, too. No way. So get out of the car, or Iam blowing Razeen to hell when I count to three. One.a She looked at him, and time hung as he gazed into her eyes and saw the truth. If he tried to call her bluff, she was going to kill Osman Razeen. Not just to save Amy, but to save him, too. Because despite what she said, she loved him still.

aTwo.a Her voice shook. aDamn youa"donat make me do this!a Nils got out of the car.

Meg slipped behind the wheel and pulled away before she would have reached three. She did a yooie, tires screaming on the asphalt as she headed back toward the highway.

And Nils took off at a dead run, bare feet be damned, heading for the glimmer of lights head seen just beyond the thicket of trees.

Light.

It was growing stronger, streaming in through the uncurtained windows, penetrating her closed eyes and sending a knifelike shaft of pain directly into her brain.