I was trying to plot it out, trying to find a game plan that could work, because I wanted this.

I needed goals, and rules, and a clear picture of what the future could hold.

But I didn’t have a clear picture of where this could be going, not long-term.  And that terrified me.

CHAPTER THIRTY

The first three times he brought it up, I changed the subject.  I really didn’t think it was a good idea.

Just the thought of going to one of his performances had me thinking of old times, bringing up long forgotten memories of the days when I’d lived to see him on stage.

The fourth time, he had a ticket for me, and he didn’t seem to be taking no for an answer.

“We don’t do these very often,” he cajoled.  “I want you to be there.  It could be a year before we perform live again.  It’s a toned down venue.  It won’t be some wild audience.  Everyone will be sitting down, I swear.”

“Oh Tristan.”

I was hopeless.  Truly.

“Please.  As a favor to me.  It would mean a lot to me for you to be there.  For support.”

Just hopeless.

Why had I ever pretended that I was capable of telling him no?  Utter denial, that.

I thanked the usher that showed me to my seat.

I glanced around nervously.  I was in the first row, right by the stage.   I knew that Frankie was attending.  James and Bianca, too.  But I sat alone, per my request.  I knew that this was going to be an emotional undertaking for me, and I preferred to experience it without company.  And besides, I knew I’d see them at the after party.

It was an intimate venue, set up for an acoustic performance that I’d been told would be aired live.

Even being in the audience made me nervous.  What happened if I sneezed?  Would they have to reshoot a song or just kick me out?  Just thinking about it made my nose start to tickle.

It was a powerful set they played.

It was rock, there was no denying that, but still they had a soulful, gritty feel that gave the music such an emotional core.  It was beautiful.  Moving.

They were better than they’d ever been.  He was better.

He could still suck the very breath out of the crowd, in fact he was more compelling as a front man than he’d been even before.  His voice was better trained and age and discipline had only helped to refine it.

I couldn’t take my eyes off him.  I ate up the sight like a flower soaking up the sun.

The song had me tensing from the first note.  It was slower than their usual style, with dark, haunting notes that made my breath catch.

He closed his eyes and began to sing.  Even his voice, as he sang it, was different, too.  So raw, so emotional.

I listened, entranced, and suddenly, in spite of the crowd, it felt like we were the only two people in the world.

Remember when you told me that I was yours and you were mine

Every heartbeat, every breath,

Our love was perfect, our vows were sacred

And, oh sweetheart, you know I tried so hard to tow that line,

But there was a poison in my heart,

And a darkness in my mind

I wasn’t there when you were drowning

Though I’d give my soul to take it back

You had to leave me behind

Looking back, over the years of empty s.p.a.ce,

Through the harshest rearview mirror,

Remembering the things I put you through

Now left to wonder, who’s come to take my place

When I looked at you the world dissolved

My poison cured, my darkness light

I never did deserve you, sweetheart

But in your arms my wrongs were solved

My head was lowered, hands clenched, face wet with tears.  And somehow, in spite of the agony of it, my body swayed gently to the music, as though it was casting some spell on me, or curing some ill.  Therapy via concert.  That was a new one.

Though it echoes loudest in my tortured heart

That night was not my only crime

Despite all the ways I failed

I still longed to make things right

Somehow we ran out of time

But there was a poison in my heart,

And a darkness in my mind

I wasn’t there when you were drowning

Though I’d give my soul to take it back

You had to leave me behind

Somewhere, in the great expanse of s.p.a.ce,

There is a home where souls reside,

Yours and mine were joined together

I have not moved from that place,

G.o.d help me, I’ll never move from that place

But there was a poison in my heart,

And a darkness in my mind

I wasn’t there when you were drowning

Though I’d give my soul to take it back

You had to leave me behind

You had to leave me behind

How did you leave me behind?

The music faded down to just one soft guitar rift and Tristan’s pa.s.sionate croon.

Everything you promised, everything I need

What I’m willing to give to you is what I want from you.

Can’t you do that for me, sweetheart?  Isn’t there enough of you left?

I’d told him that exact thing once.  I’d had no clue he’d remembered it; he’d been so high when I’d said it to him.

“What did you think?” he asked gently, after the concert was done, the theatre emptied.

I’d just been sitting there, still and silent, while everyone else had filed out.

“That last part didn’t even rhyme,” I told him through my tears.

He laughed, tugging me out of my chair and into his chest.  “Are you mad at me?” he asked, face buried in my hair.

I didn’t know what I was.

All out of escape routes, my twisted brain told me.

Conquered, my traitorous, white flag waving heart told me, but it didn’t get a vote, since it had always, always been on his side.

“I take it you have a hand in the lyrics now?” I asked, trying to brazen through my shaky voice.  “Unless Kenny wrote that and if he did, that’s really awkward.”

“Oh, you thought that song was about me and you?”

I punched him in the arm, and he laughed harder, and held me tighter.

“Yeah, I’ve taken up songwriting, though Kenny still writes the bulk of them.”

We stood there for a long time in silence before I looked up at him and spoke, “I’m so proud of you.  You were always so talented.  It is a daunting thing to stare into potential like that and try to do it justice.  You have.”

His expression tightened, and he buried his face in my neck.