I was just one of the first of many. I felt betrayed.

Used. White-hot p.i.s.sed off.

But ultimately my emotions cooled. Iced over. I could have said no, and Father Howard would have backed off. But I didn't. And while he most definitely took advantage of my youthful ignorance, he also made me believe that being drawn to men didn't automatically condemn me to h.e.l.l. After Father Howard changed parishes, I moved on too- to girls in general and Janet Winkler in particular. I'll always feel bad about hurting her, but I can't be what I'm not.

Bringing me back to what I am- gay, and being provided for by someone I like but don't love.

Making Me According to this guy Chad, a regular chatter in Men Kept by Men, A wh.o.r.e, and not a whole lot more. No worries, mate. I'm a wh.o.r.e too.

Turns out Chad's keeper imported him all the way from Sydney, Down Under.

But wherever he's from, his a.s.sessment must be wrong.

Okay, I don't love Carl. But millions of people have lived together without being in love.

I type, "How is this different from a marriage of convenience?"

Chad's fingers are quick: Did you sign anything to make the arrangement legal?

If your man drops dead, what will happen to you?

Carl won't die any time soon.

Right? I mean, he's not that old. Right? Okay. Valid point.

One I should probably consider sooner rather than later. Right?

A Poem by Whitney Lang

Sooner or Later

Someone you could not have ever dreamed of appears like a rainbow bridging clouds, and steals your breath away.

Someone beautiful, inside and out, grabs hold of your hand, guides you along a rarely traveled road, to a place where your broken heart can be mended, piece by beating piece.

The cost, gratefully afforded, is only your love.

Whitney

Free

That's what I am now. Free of Mom, of Kyra's shadow.

Free of friction and the pain of a shattered heart. I'm healed.

I'm also blown away by Vegas.

What a crazy city! I bet this is what all those Saudi sheiks wish their desert looked like.

Of course, on any given day, there are probably a half-dozen Middle Eastern moneybags living it up here in Sin City.

This is where they come to get away from Allah's watchful eye.

'Cause Vegas would scare the living c.r.a.p out of any deity worth his salt.

It's hot as h.e.l.l and downright filthy. Not like dusty dirty, although when the wind blows hard from the west, it's that, too.

Vegas is the kind of dirty every mother worries about. What would my mom say if she knew this is where I ended up when I left that night?

Nothing, probably. I bet she's happy I'm gone. One less irritation carving wrinkles. Daddy must be worried sick. It's been almost two months, and I haven't let him know I'm okay.

Eventually I will. I'm more than okay, actually. I'm great, because I'm with Bryn, who loves me more than anything. Who wants to be with me always. Who needs me.

That's something all new-being needed. Treasured. Protected.

I'll never let anyone hurt you, Bryn promised. You are my angel.

I've never been anyone's angel, either. Bryn has given me wings.

We're Staying In a weekly motel-small, but mostly clean and air-conditioned. And it's only until Bryn has time to find us something nicer. He's been working almost every day, photographing wannabe beauty pageant queens. I don't like him ogling gorgeous girls for hours at a time, but he comes home to me.

He photographs me, too. Lately, the pics have all been naked.

Such a beautiful body deserves to be seen, he says. We could make some extra money, too. To get an even better place. More like what you're used to. I want only the very best for you.

I don't mind posing without clothes. Some of the finest art ever was paintings of nudes.

Bryn makes me feel pretty, and I like how that looks in photos.

At first it was kind of weird, thinking about total strangers seeing me that way, but it's not so bad, really. And hey, maybe Mom will come across one of them.

That would be awesome. Stupid cow would probably be jealous.

Bryn called a little while ago.

I'm on my way home, and I've got a little surprise for you.

Hope you're up for some fun.

Fun? Like what? He must have gotten paid, which is good. I was starting to worry a little about how we were going to eat.

I guess inheriting his mom's house was more about spending money than making money, at least until he can sell it. Not easy right now.

Because of the housing slump.

And because going back to Santa Cruz would probably not be wise.

But he said we'd be fine, and we will.

Bryn Blows In Like a breeze off the ocean, lifting me with his presence.

Then his arms lift me for real, spin me around and around.

Hey, baby. He kisses me, infuses me with happiness. What a day.

Sorry I'm late. The clock says it's eight eighteen. He is late.

He carries me to the couch, sits me down. Are you ready for my surprise? Two surprises, actually.

He reaches into a pocket for the first.

Guess it's not a dinner out.

Nope. Not even close. It's a dope- sized plastic bag with some brown substance inside. "What's that?"

But I suspect his response: Smack. One of the girls turned me on to a little. Thought you might like to share a taste.

Heroin. I've never even thought about trying it. "I don't know....

That s.h.i.t is scary as h.e.l.l." Way past meth, which is scary enough.

Bryn's Reaction Is swift, completely unexpected.

Oh, I see. You can do cocaine with your other boyfriends, but you won't try this for me?

Holy Pete! He's never snapped at me like that before. I've never even heard him raise his voice.

My first instinct is to bark back, but I don't want to fight with Bryn.

"I-I'm sorry. I just ... didn't ...

Uh ..." Why am I apologizing?

"It's just, heroin is so addictive, and ..."

He softens immediately. No, hon.

Not if you only do a little, once in a while. And the places it will take you! I want to see you there.

OMG. I can't believe I'm saying okay to heroin. But I am. Except, "No needles! No way will I shoot up anything." I wait for his reaction.

No problem. We'll just chase the dragon, okay? He means heated tinfoil and a rolled-up bill to grab the smoke, draw it up my nose.

I've seen people at parties do meth the same way. Even before Bryn creases the foil into a deep V, my heart starts racing. Fear is exhilarating, all on its own.

I watch him drop a pinhead of H into the makeshift bowl, and goose b.u.mps cover my arms. I have no idea what to expect when the smoke lifts into the dollar bill "straw." Ugh.

It tastes like rotten ketchup. Bitter and harsh in my throat. I start to choke.

Bryn's warning is rough: Don't you dare cough it out! He checks out my eyes. Looking for pupil dilation, no doubt. It takes a while.

If you shoot up, you feel the effects instantaneously. Smoking it might take ten or fifteen minutes. Patience.

Meanwhile, I have another surprise.

It takes all of ten minutes before I begin to feel kind of tingly. Euphoric.

Like everything in my life just fell into place. The sensation is gentle, not at all like the overwhelming buzz I thought it would be. I can handle this. What's all the hype about, anyway? Bryn has finished setting up the second surprise- a webcam, hooked up to his laptop. I thought it would be fun to put ourselves in the movies.

America's s.e.xiest Home Videos.

Come here. Let's get nasty.

The tone of his voice lets me know disagreeing is not an option.

But I don't want to disagree.

Every nerve in my body screams to make love with Bryn, who responds by taking "nasty" to a whole new level.

It is only afterward, floating on a sensual fog, in an uneasy state of half sleep, that it comes to me: Bryn didn't join in the dragon chase.

A Week After My first sweet-bitter taste of smack, Bryn has talked me into indulging again four or five times. I don't want to get hooked, and I'm sure I won't, as long as all I do is smoke a little every now and again. I have to admit I like the way it makes me feel-like I'm on top of the world.

Bryn never indulges. I can't get it up if I do, and I want this to be all about you. So why does he keep asking me to do things that seem mostly all about him?

Things like performing dirty acts on pay-per-view webcam?

It won't be forever, I promise.

Just long enough to save up some serious bank. I've got my eye on a really nice place. It's pricey, but you're so worth it.

When I'm high, I don't mind.