_At not at all infrequent spells I hear--and so do you-- The tales that everybody tells And no one listens to._

"You talk about excitement. Well Last summer, up at Silver Dell, Jim Brown and I took a canoe And paddled out a mile or two.

When we left sh.o.r.e the sun was out-- Serenest day, beyond a doubt, I ever saw. When suddenly It thunders, and a heavy sea Comes up. 'I'm goin' to jump,' says Jim.

He jumps. I don't know how to swim, And I was scared..."

"You ought to see My kid. He's great! He isn't three.

But smart? Last night his mother said, As she was putting him to bed, 'Tom, are you sleepy?' Well, the kid-- What d'ye think he up and did?

Laugh? Honestly, we nearly died!

He said:..."

"Last week I had a ride As was a ride! We took my car And ran her over night so far We had to stop. Just as we came To this side of North Burlingame, We tore a shoe; the left front wheel Got loose and . . . "

"Did you ever feel That dogs were human? Well, there's Bruce, My collie--brighter than the deuce!

Just talk in ordinary tones-- A joke, he barks, speak sad, he moans, The other day I said to him, 'Here, Bruce, take this to Uncle Jim,'

And gave . . . "

"We've really got the best And cheapest flat in town. On West Two-Forty-Third Street. That ain't far-- The subway, then the Yonkers car-- An hour, perhaps a little more.

I leave the house at 7.04-- I'm in the office every day At nine o'clock. Six rooms are all We have, if you don't count the hall-- Though it is bigger far than most The rooms I've seen. I hate to boast About my flat; but . . . "

"Say, I've got The greatest, newest, finest plot-- Dramatic, humorous, and fresh-- And, though I'm not in the profesh, I'll back this little play of mine Against Pinero, Fitch, or Klein.

Sure fire! A knockout! It can't miss!

The plot of it begins like this: The present time--that's what they've got To have--and then a modern plot.

Jack Hammond, hero, loves a girl: Extremely jealous of an earl.

The earl, however... "

Why contin- Ue types that flourish _adinfin_?

_O tuneless chimes! O worn-out bells!

I hear--and so do you-- The tales that everybody tells But no one listens to._

Office Mottoes

Motto heartening, inspiring, Framed above my pretty *desk, Never Sh.e.l.ley, Keats, or Byring*

Penned a phrase so picturesque!

But in me no inspiration Rides my low and prosy brow-- All I think of is vacation When I see that lucubration:

DO IT NOW

When I see another sentence Framed upon a brother's wall, Resolution and repentance Do not flood o'er me at all As I read that nugatory Counsel written years ago, Only when one comes to borry[Footnote: Entered under the Pure License of 1906.]

Do I heed that ancient story:

TELL HIM NO

Mottoes flat and mottoes silly, Proverbs void of point or wit, "KEEP A-PLUGGIN' WHEN IT'S HILLY!"

"LIFE'S A TIGER: CONQUER IT!"

Office mottoes make me weary And of all the bromide bunch There is only one I seri- Ously like, and that's the cheery:

GONE TO LUNCH

Metaphysics

A man morose and dull and sad-- Go ask him why he feels so bad.

Behold! He answers it is drink That put his nerves upon the blink.

Another man whose smile and jest Disclose a nature of the best-- What keeps his heart and spirit up?

Again we learn it is the cup.

The moral to this little bit Is anything you make of it.

Such recondite philosophy Is far away too much for me.

Heads and Tails

If a single man is studious and quiet, people say He is grouchy, he is old before his time; If he's frivolous and flippant, if he treads the primrose way, Then they mark him for a wild career of crime.

If a man a.s.serts that So-and-So is beautiful or sweet, He is daffy on the proposition, Girl; If he's weary in the evening and he keeps his subway seat, He's immediately branded as a churl.

If he buys a friend a rickey not for any special cause, He is captain of the lush-and-spendthrift squad; If, before he spends a million, he will think a bit and pause, There's a popular impression he's a wad.

If a man attends to business and looks to every chance, He is mercenary, money-mad, and coa.r.s.e; If he thinks of art and letters more than personal finance, He is lacking in ambition and in force.

If a man but bats his consort oh-so-gently on the head, If he throttles her a little round the neck, He's a brute; if he's considerately conjugal instead, Everybody calls him Mr. Henry Peck.

Lowers Scylla--frowns Charybdis--and the bark is like to sink-- This the symbolistic moral of my rhyme-- If Opinion trims your sails and if you care what people think You will have a most unhappy sort of time.

An Election Night Pantoum

Gaze at the good-natured crowd, List to the noise and the rattle!

Heavens! that woman is loud-- Loud as the din of a battle.

List to the noise and the rattle!

Hark to the honk of the horn Loud as the din of a battle!

There! My new overcoat's torn!