There are also some brighter colours, which are not guaranteed,--varying from the chromatic discord of the post-impressionist Savage to the delicate rose-pink of the Perfect Lady.

This last is the most delectable of all--but, alas, it is the one that fades most quickly.

[Ill.u.s.tration: PERFECT LADY]

CHAPTER XV

RACE

All the Families agree that the tenants of the Globe should be of one uniform shade.

[Ill.u.s.tration: MILL-RACE]

Each Family, however, thinks that his own particular shade is the only fitting one for the Perfect Human Being.

To that end he spends a large part of his time in scheming how to get rid of all the other tints.

All of which is a great waste of centuries! Old Tempus the Janitor has always settled the Tint question with his Solar Stove and always will.

A week at the seash.o.r.e in August ought to convince anyone of the efficiency of the Solar Tint Factory. In the tan of the surf bather is locked up the secret of Race Colouration.

[Ill.u.s.tration:BLACK-RACE]

And yet there are some Great and Wise Ones who believe that Civilization (with the a.s.sistance of Mr. Marconi and Mr. Rolls H. Royce and a few others) will bring the Race Families into such close relationship that they will eventually be all blended into one harmonious Neutral Tint!

A pale mauve World! One tint, one religion, one food, one dress, one Drink, one everything.

How appalling! And think of the moment when it is to be decided once and forever which it is to be--Blonde or Brunette!

Oh those Wise and Great Ones!

[Ill.u.s.tration]

CHAPTER XVI

GOVERNMENTS OF THE GLOBE

The best definition of Government may be found in Wordsworth's lines:

_"The simple plan_ _That they should take who have the power_ _And they should keep who can."_

In every community on Earth, the strongest, the craftiest or the wealthiest of the male inhabitants conspire to compel their weaker, stupider or poorer brothers and sisters to pay them for the privilege of remaining on earth.

Government by the Strongest is called an Absolute Monarchy.

Government by the Craftiest, a Limited Monarchy.

Government by the Wealthiest, a Republic.

In an Absolute Monarchy, the People are Controlled.

In a Limited Monarchy, they are Cajoled.

In a Republic, they are Sold.

For the successful operation of Limited Monarchies and Republics, it is necessary to delude the Common People into the belief that they are managing their own affairs.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

This is accomplished by means of a House of Lords, Congress, Chamber of Deputies, Diet, Cortes, a.s.sembly, Soviet, Etc.

These merry contrivances are designed on the principle of the revolving squirrel-cage, furnishing harmless exercise without progression.

_QUESTIONS_

_Q. What is a Const.i.tution?_

_A. A concession to Liberty enabling her to talk herself to death._

_Q. What is the essential difference between one government and another?_

_A. The price of life._

CHAPTER XVII

THE MORALS OF THE GIDDY GLOBE

According to Moses, the First Geographer, Immorality is an heirloom handed down to us by our First Parents.

Men of Science, on the other hand, declare it to be merely the psycho-neurotic reaction of climatic environment on the celliferous organism.

In other words, Vice is nothing more than Virtue outside of its natural geographical lat.i.tude.

This is clearly set forth in the accompanying Moral Map of the World in which the familiar idiosyncrasies of Mankind which we are wont to differentiate as Virtues or Vices are shown for the first time in their proper geographical environment.

(_See Moral Map of the World._)