He looked at me suspiciously. Then again, he looked at everyone suspiciously. *Why?'

The truth was most expeditious at that point. *My b.a.s.t.a.r.d husband is seeing another woman a that's him in our car. I want to catch him at it.'

In immediately appreciation of my predicament (*My own mother was a cheatin' b.i.t.c.h'), Joel told me to get in his tiny Ford Fiesta, and my door wasn't even closed before he'd roared off in hot pursuit of Carson.

Carson's first port of call was, ridiculously, LollyBliss.

*Why he going right into Manhattan?' Joel asked. *Nothing is open.'

*He's a cheating b.a.s.t.a.r.d,' I said. *They go where the action is.'

But why was he pulling up the clapped out Toyota outside of LollyBliss?

Lolly hadn't said she was opening.

Joel pulled up opposite him, illegally parking near a hydrant. *He's going to get us both booked.'

*I'll pay, don't worry.'

I didn't concern myself with the where I would find money for a fine.

The door opened as Carson approached. Lolly must have been expecting him.

*She's having an affair with him?' Joel said, sighting the satin sheet of blonde hair. *Man, she is a looker.'

*She can't be having an affair with him, she's a lesbian.'

*Oooh,' Joel said, now even more attracted to Lolly. *I should hang with you more often.'

Carson and Lolly? No, couldn't be. Not when Lolly was so keen on her vacuous salesgirl.

Unless . . . that was just a ruse?

I remembered Lolly saying *the only person I've ever loved'.

Did she mean Carson?

Perhaps my friend had planned to tell me the sordid truth, and then changed her mind? At which point she'd come up with a stupid story about being gay.

Get a grip, Scarlet. This is Lolly, remember?

No, wait, Carson was already back out on the street again, carrying a wrapped bundle.

A present! He'd bought a present from Lolly.

For who?

It couldn't be me. I received pathetic calendars from has-been gurus such as Jocelyn Priestly.

Joel and I slouched down in our seats until Carson had driven off.

*You still want me to follow him?'

*Yes, please. Thanks Joel.'

Joel was extremely adept at surveillance, staying a few cars behind but managing to turn where Carson turned and keep him in sight. It helped that it was Christmas Day and the traffic was minimal.

Soon he was heading downtown, and next we were in the trendy Meatpackers district.

*I used to live here,' I told Joel, *when it was a dive.'

Carson pulled up in front of a small, recently converted hotel. Joel snuck in behind a truck that had maneuvered cautiously out of a driveway and then stopped, blocking one lane of the road.

*Engine trouble,' Joel noted. *Excellent.'

We watched as the hotel porter came out, dressed in a slick navy suit. Carson had a brief discussion with him, after which the porter nodded, took the cash that Carson offered, and held the door for him.

A tip! When we can't pay the electric!

I was seething at the sight of my husband wasting money on some bimbo. He'd probably got me a pair of bed socks that year as a gift a or something equally unromantic.

One year he gave me chocolates a kid from school had given him.

And had told me where they had come from!

This year, Jessie and J had the best the local discount shops had in stock a while their father had money to throw away on tips to hotel porters.

Joel and I sat in silence for a while, then he suggested I go and confront them.

*They should be naked by now,' he said unhelpfully. *No denying it when Mr w.i.l.l.y is standing to attention, is there?'

*It already looks bad enough, don't you think?' I didn't need to feast my eyes on my husband doing it with some size 10 earning two hundred thousand a year, did I?

Not long after he'd entered the hotel, Carson returned, striding purposefully towards his car again. There was no parcel in sight now.

But there was a broad grin on his face.

b.a.s.t.a.r.d! He'd bought the gift for the s.l.u.t.

*Wow, that didn't take long,' Joel commented. *Maybe he didn't do anything?'

I looked at my watch. *Ten minutes is plenty of time, trust me.'

Joel sn.i.g.g.e.red.

When it was clear that Carson was headed back towards Brooklyn, Joel didn't bother tailing him, but we still arrived back home just after my soon-to-be-departed husband had finished parking the car. Carson had always been a super cautious driver.

As I leaped from Joel's car, Carson spied me, and even from across the street, the look of complete terror on his face was deeply satisfying.

Yeah, I'd be scared too, if I were you.

*Would twenty be okay?' I asked Joel, leaning in through the window.

*On the house,' he said, *unless you like me to arrange for him to be beaten up? That would cost about a hundred.'

*No, thanks, I'll handle it from here. But please, at least take ten, for the petrol.'

Joel graciously accepted, and I patted his hand and strode over to where Carson was standing.

Unbelievably, his face was now like thunder.

How dare he be angry!

Before I could utter a word, my phoned binged, indicating a text.

Lolly.

Carson organized to come by and get you a gift. And I think he might have overheard me and Luce talking about how Robert likes you. I think he has the impression you are having an affair. Gross. Soz. Lx.

Lolly was right, it was gross. Good. Let him think I was straying. Of course I'd told Lolly that Robert was a total psycho, but, typically, fate would have it that Carson didn't hear that being relayed to Lucinda.

Plus, the gift that was supposedly for me had conveniently vanished, hadn't it?

It was a gift for that lawyer, not me.

Lying b.a.s.t.a.r.d!

Lying to Lolly as well as to me. Didn't he think I'd find out?

Maybe he wanted me to find out?

So that I'd dump him.

Well, darling husband, your dreams are about to come true!

Carson snarled at the sight of the phone.

*I suppose that was your mate Lolly. So much for your bulls.h.i.+t story about window dressing. Who is he?'

*It wasn't bulls.h.i.+t. If you could be bothered, you could go and see the windows. Not that you'd have the time, not with all your extra curricular activities.'

*That's not what I heard. Lolly and her girlfriend made it very clear.'

Girlfriend? No, he didn't mean like that. Carson wouldn't know that lesbians existed.

*Tough.'

What a nerve. Porking his lawyer ex and then accusing me of having an affair. Pot, kettle?

I began to walk away. To pack. To leave.

Carson stormed after me. He grabbed my arm. *Tell me who he is?'

*What?'

*This guy. How did you meet him?'

The situation was laughable. He was betraying me and trying to flip the situation to exonerate himself.

Well, it wasn't going to work, Mrf.u.c.kingIvyLeagueSmartyPants.

*A decent person, unlike you!'

I thought about Robert suggesting a three-way with the transs.e.xual and wondered how I could even say he was decent with a straight face.

Because Carson is cheating with that lawyer, that's how.

*I should have listened to my mother,' Carson threw at me. *She told me you'd up and leave the moment someone better came along.'

*After you being a lying, cheating a.r.s.ehole, the reasons I am leaving are as follows: your rabid mother, closely followed by your insane s.l.u.t of a sister.'

*Come on, that was uncalled for. Mom never actually had rabies a it was a legitimate human virus.'

I stared at him for a moment. He winked, and I realized that he was joking; treating me just like Jessie; placating me like a child.

Taking a step towards him, he must have thought I'd had a change of heart, because he leaned as, as if expecting a kiss.

Instead, I s.n.a.t.c.hed the car keys that were in his left hand, and jumped into our old bomb of a vehicle before he had time to register what was going on.

Racing around to the pa.s.senger seat, he got in and tried to reason with me, as I sat there, observing the displays.

I'd had a couple of lessons when I was young a it couldn't be that hard to drive a car, could it? Cecily 2 drove that huge truck of a thing Rufus owned, didn't she?

Without a licence.

*Scarlet, you don't have a licence, so don't you dare turn on the ignition.'

I turned on the ignition.'

*Scarlet, you don't know how to put the car in gear, just slide over anda*

I shoved the clutch into first and revved the engine. The engine objected but complied.

Carson finally worked out I meant business.

*Stop, you can't! We won't be insured if you crash. Think of the kids.'