If she hadn't already, I didn't want my daughter coming in and seeing the revolting sight a it would permanently scar her.

Just like it had me.

Jessie could be heard relaying my message, then she called out again, *She can't call back, she's not at home.'

Oh no. Now something's happened to Mum!

*What? Where is she?' Thoughts of hospitals and death and accidents flooded my brain.

I heard Jessie ask.

*At the international s.h.i.+pping terminal. Here. In New York. She came on the Queen Mary 2. A surprise!'

Despite my daughter's obvious excitement at seeing a grandmother she'd only ever met on Skype, I felt ill.

How much more I could take before I had a complete breakdown?

*She wants to be picked up,' Jessie called. *Said she can't wait for a ride in your new BMW.'

Hammertro came into the hall, pulling up his trousers. *That old bomb downstairs ain't no BMW.'

*Tell Gran to hang on a minute,' I told Jessie.

Turning to my neighbor, I pointed at the door. Then I informed Cecily 2 that she had to leave, immediately.

*What? But I've still got another week of work. You promised.'

That was it! How dare she railroad me into putting up with her foul antics so that she could save on a hotel.

*No, I didn't. You invited yourself. You've been here long enough. Now gather your things and leave.'

*Mom is gonna be mad,' she yelled.

*Ooh seeexy,' Hammertro's silver tongue murmured, as his hand inched towards Cecily 2's nether regions.

*Hammertro, I am terribly sorry, but I have children in the house. You need to leave right now. Perhaps Cecily 2 could stay at yours?'

He shot towards the door at that suggestion, suddenly eager to leave. *What? No, I got no room!'

Cecily 2's evil glare turned on him. *You said you loved me. You can't even find s.p.a.ce in your flat for me for one short week?'

Caught out, Hammertro did what any young man in his position would do.

He ran.

*Hamma-to,' Cecily 2 cried, running after him.

I quickly ran over and closed the front door. Good riddance.

*Mum, are you going to pick Grandma up or not?' Jessie called.

I waited a moment, but no.

No conveniently timed nervous breakdown.

*Ask her to take a town car. I'll pay for it.'

The town car was going to cost a week's worth of groceries.

I hoped Mum wouldn't mind canned beans every night of her stay.

Which is when it hit me.

How long did she plan to stay?

And how was I going to explain all the lies I told her?

Fourteen years' worth of them.

As I raced about, trying to tidy up our hovel as best as I could before Mum arrived, my phone indicated I had a text. Robert.

The job is off. You can keep the deposit.

b.a.s.t.a.r.d! After all the work I'd done. Well he wasn't going to get away with it. Pressing keys frantically, I let him have it.

I'll just ask the owner of Chocolato for the money. All the managers can vouch for the work I've done.

There was no reply. Quickly, frantically, I dialed up the downtown Chocolato and asked to speak to the owner.

*Oh, it that Scarlet?' The snooty pencil-like manager from Shop One sounded pleasant enough. *We can't wait for you to put the finis.h.i.+ng touches on the windows a have you got everything you need now?'

*Actually, I need a contact number for the owner. Financial stuff.'

*But you must have his number?' The man sounded confused.

*Must I? Why?'

*Because you're always having lunch with Mr Simpson. I figured you and he are friends.'

*Mr Simpson owns Chocolato?' The horrible truth of what Robert had been up to was now apparent.

*Yes. Of course, now, if there is nothing else . . .'

Saying thanks I hung up.

The job was over.

And I had nothing to show for it.

I'd given up my job at Flindes.

I'd spent most of the thousand dollar advance on materials.

And my mother was about to arrive and discover that her daughter was a pathological liar.

Joy.

Mum trudged up the stairs behind me. *This isn't what I imagined, Scarlet. Where is the porter you told me about?'

I hated the sound of disappointment in her voice.

*We, um, moved. It's a marvelous investment Mum. Brooklyn prices are rising a and we are only moments from Manhattan.'

Then Hammertro started up his latest composition: My girl likes it doggie style, and Mum shook her head. *A bit hard to believe, dear. Isn't America funny?'

She didn't know the half of it!

Inside the apartment, we were greeted by the loud guffaws of Cecily 2.

She was back.

Why, G.o.d? Why?

Jessie and J had done their best to tidy up too, but evicting Cecily 2 was beyond their capabilities, and their aunt stood in her faux leather micro mini, arms crossed, in the centre of the living room, ready to continue to fight me for her accommodation.

I noticed she had her fists clenched, she was actually planning to fight me.

What a welcome for Mum.

After giving both the kids a huge hug, pa.s.sing over numerous gifts and declaring them to be the most beautiful grandchildren on earth, Mum turned to Cecily 2, who hadn't budged. *Oh, who is this, then?' Mum looked a little frightened. *Your cleaner?'

*I ain't no f.u.c.kin' cleana,' Cecily 2 yelled, unclenching her fist to wave her arm around in front of her, talk show style. *Who the f.u.c.k are you?'

*Yeah, you dirty baby,' Hammertro offered illogically, appearing at the door.

Now Mum looked a lot frightened.

*I thought you'd shot through,' I said to him.

My neighbor shrugged. *Can't keep away from my Ce-ce.' His eyes were s.h.i.+fty again a he'd obviously had a lot to do with Cecily 2's renewed presence in my home.

*Oh, is this your husband, dear?' Mum asked Cecily 2.

*No,' everyone in the room said, in unison.

Jessie took Mum by the arm and led her towards their bedrooms. *Let's show you all our stuff, Gran,' Jessie said.

The girl was a saint.

Mum complied quickly. The pounding guilt I felt as she considered the scene questioningly was too much to bear.

Mum hadn't even discovered I was a college dropout with no degree and no proper job and no talent.

To say nothing of the fact that Carson was not a lawyer but a teacher.

The door closed on my mother and children.

Right.

*Get out,' I said to Cecily 2, the moment we had the living room to ourselves again.

Cecily 2 wasn't having it. *You listen to me, youa*

But I wasn't having any it either. *No, this time you listen to me. Although you are a sub-human excuse for a mother and a wife, you cannot deny you have responsibilities. If you don't go home immediately, I will tell Rufus and Cecily exactly what you've been up to with Hammertro.'

Cecily 2's snake-like eyes narrowed. *You can't prove anything.'

*Haven't you heard of mobile phone cameras? They even take video!' It was a complete lie a as if I would engage in the sick-making activity of filming my sister-in-law and my neighbor copulating.

*You, no, you . . .' Cecily tried but couldn't get her tongue around a comeback that would give her leverage to stay put. *Fine, but this ends our sister relations.h.i.+p, b.i.t.c.h.'

*We never had one, Cecily 2.'

*Maybe you'd better relax the situation a little, hot momma,' Hammertro told her. *After all, you got nothin' to stay here for. You got fired from that job anyway, didn't you?'

*What!'

I honestly felt that my life had to be the brunt of someone's bad joke.

*I didn't get fired.'

Hammertro grinned like a loony.

*Did you?' I asked Cecily 2.

*Not immediately,' Cecily 2 yelled defensively.

*When, exactly?'

*On the second day. They said I was too violent. Whadda they want? A flaccid dominatrix?'

*You've been living off us for weeks!'

*So?'