Chapter Twenty Two.

Mima knew exactly what she had to do and that she must do it alone. Flick and Ulaume cared for her, but there were certain things in life you could only do by yourself. If she endangered herself through doing them, so be it. It was a gamble she was prepared to take.

The night when Lileem had revealed herself to the others, Mima had done a lot of thinking, not least: who am I? Ulaume was wrong to call her coy. It wasn't that. She was quite sure she was Wraeththu, if not completely har in the way her incepted companions were, but where boys had the big dilemma of having to deal with female parts of themselves after inception, in some ways her own dilemma was more disorientating than physical changes. She could not call or think of herself as 'he'. It didn't feel right and it didn't sound right and to do so would somehow murder Mima, the person she had grown up to be. So much power in so small a word. She wished it away, but it wouldn't go. It gnawed at her, so much so, it was like having a disease that she couldn't tell anyone about, all the while knowing it was killing her. They had learned that it was possible for females to be incepted and maybe it wouldn't work every time, and maybe it required abnormal hara like Lileem to accomplish it, but there it was, an incontrovertible and vexing fact. On the outside, with her clothes on, Mima looked almost the same as she'd always done, because like her brothers, she'd always been fairly androgynous in appearance, but inside, she was changed. Her ident.i.ty had been wrenched inside out.

She had promised Flick and Ulaume she wouldn't go wandering around by herself in Galhea, and for a week or so she didn't, because it took time to summon the courage. But one morning, after they'd gone to work early, she left Lileem asleep and crept off the boat. It was another beautiful, crisp Fall day, like all the days in gilded Galhea seemed to be. She had no doubt the other seasons were as perfect, because this was essentially Gelaming land and they would not tolerate anything less.

Everyhar she pa.s.sed nodded good morning to her and she was not nervous about asking directions. Other hara saw nothing unusual in her: she was just a stranger needing help. The barracks were in the south of the town, approached by a busy main street lined by market stalls and surrounded by a high wall, where sentries in black uniforms ambled back and forth, dark silhouettes against the deep blue sky. The air was full of swirling leaves, but the breeze wasn't cold. The scent of frying sausages from the food vendors' stalls made her mouth water. From a blacksmith's workshop came the ring of iron on iron. Mima absorbed each sensation, thinking she must remember this day. It was important.

The guards on duty at the gate looked her up and down when she asked for Chelone. She could tell what they were thinking and tossed back her hair to show them she wasn't just any common har. Perhaps he was already out on duty, patrolling the river, or perhaps it was his day off and he wasn't here at all. If he wasn't, then it would be a sign and she'd go back to the boat. But even though she had to wait for a good fifteen minutes, which under those circ.u.mstances felt like an eternity, he eventually came strolling across the yard towards her. She could see him approach through the bars of the gate: a prime harish specimen with dark brown hair drawn back into a long plait. His face was well-sculpted, his mouth finely drawn. He would do.

Chelone stood on the other side of the gate, not smiling particularly, but not hostile either and she said, 'Do you remember me? From the boat you searched a week or so ago?'

And he thought for a moment, then said, 'Yes, of course.'

She realised he'd recognised her straight away, but didn't want to appear too eager. He had been waiting for her to come.

'Well, here I am. When do you get time off? Can we arrange to meet?'

She didn't know if this was the way hara were supposed to speak to each other, if it was too forward or not forward enough.

Chelone did not appear to find her approach unusual. 'I could change duties today, seeing as you're here, because I'm busy for most of the week.'

He didn't have much to do clearly. What, in Galhea, was there to guard against? He must be bored.

She had to wait some minutes longer while he made arrangements for cover and then he was at the gate again. He had let down his hair and brushed it. Mima felt weak. What was she doing? This could be disastrous.

He took her to a quiet inn near the river and here they ate breakfast together. She asked him about Immanion and he told her, what he knew of it. It was a real place, but now it didn't seem that important. 'Tell me about the Tigron,' she said.

Chelone made an airy gesture, wiped his mouth with a napkin. 'What is there to say? I didn't speak to him, because lowly hara don't. He glows. They say Thiede made him and it's probably true. He's unearthly, like Thiede is, but then a Wraeththu king could not be anything else, could they? We are all perfect, so our divine ruler has to be more perfect than us.' He laughed and took a drink of coffee.

'Do I really look like him?' Mima asked, resting her chin in her hands. 'Or was that just a line?'

Chelone glanced at her. 'There is a resemblance. You are of the same race, certainly.'

'Is it true a har called Cal came here a while back? A friend of a friend of mine thinks they once knew him.'

'Oh yes.' Chelone's dark tone indicated at once it must be the same Cal.

'Did you meet him?'

'Occasionally. We were not close friends. He was only interested in Terzian, who was our leader then. Cal collects high-ranking hara, that is my opinion.'

'Is he with the Tigron now?'

'Nohar knows where he is, other than that the Gelaming have him. He won't be dead, technically, but who knows? They destroyed Terzian by ruining his mind.'

'Do I detect some dissatisfaction with your saviours?'

'I didn't say that,' Chelone said. 'Nohar criticises the Gelaming, if they know what's good for them.'

'I hope you don't mind me asking all these questions, but we've been out in the middle of nowhere for years. I've lost track of things.'

'That's OK. It's the excuse for us meeting, isn't it?'

'Yes. It is.'

It was so easy to be arch and flirtatious. Perhaps too easy.

'I don't even know your name,' Chelone said.

She didn't pause. She just said, 'Mima.'

And he replied, 'Nice name.'

'You mentioned that Lord Swift might be able to help us get our land back. Could you arrange for me to meet him?'

Chelone laughed. 'If I remember correctly, you told me you liked your water gypsy life now. It's not the land you want you just want to meet a star of Wraeththu, I think.'

'It's not that,' Mima said. 'I do want to meet him, and yes, OK - I'm not that bothered about the land. There's something I need to talk to him about.'

'Is this to do with Cal?'

'Partly.'

'So what's the story?'

'I can't tell you yet. I hardly know you.'

'I'll tell you this. Cal is anathema to the Gelaming: everyhar knows it. They hate him because he is a somehar and they want him to be a nohar. He is the flaw in their plan, not least because the House of Parasiel is very fond of him. If you want to go to Swift with more bad news or complaints about Cal, forget it. He's Cal's only champion.'

'I don't want to complain about Cal. But we can discuss this another time. What can we do today?'

Chelone was giving her a considered stare. 'I could show you round the town, some of the sites outside of it. I can show you Swift's house from the road, if you like.'

'Sounds good.'

'How come you're not working like your friends?'

'I'm supposed to be. I'm being bad. They don't know I'm here.'

He grinned. 'OK. Let's go then.'

She watched him as he went to the bar to pay for the meal and watched his hands as he pulled money from a purse. She thought to herself: I can't believe this. He's real and alive and this isn't a dream or a fantasy and I'm probably heading into territory where I really don't want to go, but what the h.e.l.l! I can't believe this. He's real and alive and this isn't a dream or a fantasy and I'm probably heading into territory where I really don't want to go, but what the h.e.l.l!

Later, Mima would reflect upon that day and consider it to be one of the best of her life. She was truly herself. She didn't have to act or pretend. Chelone accepted her totally as har, more so than her friends had ever done. She had enjoyed brief dalliances with boys when she'd been human, and what astounded her most was Chelone's att.i.tude to her that was so different to any human male's. There was equality between them and, because of that, easiness. No difference, no obstacles, no misunderstanding. Was she deceiving him or not? Mima could not make up her mind about that.

They visited the sights and finally came to stand at the iron fence that surrounded Swift's house on a high hill outside the town. 'It is named,' said Chelone, 'We Dwell in Forever.'

'That's beautiful,' Mima said, her hands gripping the bars. 'It reeks of romantic stories.'

'And there have been many in that house,' Chelone said, 'not all of them with happy endings. My best friend Leef was rather a casualty! And...' He shook his head and spoke softly. 'Some things are best forgotten.'

Mima reached out instinctively to touch his arm. She spoke the words that sprang into her mind and knew they were true. 'Somehar died, didn't they? Somehar close to you?'

He took her hand. 'That was extremely sensitive of you. But then, I'm not surprised. I wasn't that close to him, not really, but he made an impact on me.'

'Perhaps we can share our stories one day.'

'I would like to. One day.'

It will never be, Mima thought sadly, but wished it could be true. He drew her to him, and she let him do it. She let him put his mouth against her own and then her head was full of sparkling mist, of wonderful visions. For a moment, she surrendered to the sensation totally, but then realised she must guard her thoughts. He must have felt the barriers go up, because he drew away, still holding onto her face, stroking her cheeks with his thumbs. Mima thought sadly, but wished it could be true. He drew her to him, and she let him do it. She let him put his mouth against her own and then her head was full of sparkling mist, of wonderful visions. For a moment, she surrendered to the sensation totally, but then realised she must guard her thoughts. He must have felt the barriers go up, because he drew away, still holding onto her face, stroking her cheeks with his thumbs.

'You almost showed me something,' he said. 'Darkness.'

Her lips were tingling. 'Sorry.' She pulled away from him and shook her head. 'I didn't mean to.'

'I'm flattered. You felt relaxed enough to forget for a moment.' His smile was ironic.

Her heart was racing. She felt faint. 'I'm hungry. Can we go and eat?'

His expression was slightly puzzled now. 'Of course. But what about your friends? Shouldn't you tell them where you are?'

'Probably,' she said. 'But it doesn't matter. I want to be here, now, with you.'

'Are you chesna with one of them? Is that it?'

'No. They are just very protective, because of things that happened to me once. I feel safe with you. It's OK.'

'They'll be worried.'

'Chelone, don't!' She raised her hands as if to ward off his words. 'I want to eat. If you want me to go afterwards, I will, but I have to eat.'

She felt as if she was losing control of the situation. It was spiralling somewhere. She was pushing him away. The others were standing there between them and she wished he didn't know about them. She should have lied earlier, said they knew what she was doing.

There was a tense atmosphere between them as they walked back to the town. Chelone tried to disguise it, but Mima knew he harboured suspicions about her now. He sensed there was a heavy history attached to her and perhaps he thought it might be too much to take on. Soon, she must leave him, but just for an hour or so, she wanted to remain in his company. She had shared breath, done a harish thing. He had tasted her soul.

Chelone took her to an inn much busier than where they'd taken breakfast, which was probably a sign how things had shifted between them. Other hara he knew were eating there and already wine and ale was flowing copiously. This was a warrior's watering hole and their energy was fierce and overwhelming. Mima sat at a table in a corner, feeling miserable. She'd ruined everything now. d.a.m.n.

Chelone came to join her, having ordered a meal at the bar. 'What's wrong?' he asked.

'I want to go back in time,' she said, 'to the moment before we shared breath. I'm sorry. I'm no good at this. I want to be, but I'm not.'

'Because of the things that happened to you?'

She nodded. 'Yes.'

He reached out and hauled one of her hands from her lap, where her fingers were clenched together. 'I'm not offended. If you have secrets, that's your business. I enjoyed being with you today. I like you a lot, Mima.'

'You might need more than a lot of like, if you knew everything about me.'

He laughed. 'I'm willing to take that risk. You don't turn psychotic during aruna and kill, do you?'

'Not that I'm aware of.'

'Well, I should be OK then.'

Mima drank in one long gulp the gla.s.s of wine he'd put before her. He was watching her again and she wanted to tell him to stop it.

'It's been a while, hasn't it?' he said at last. 'You know what I think you were looking for somehar, and you chose me. Just how long has it been, Mima?'

She stared at him directly, took a deep breath. 'Since forever. My inception went wrong, because the hara who incepted me left me behind, before it was completed. My friends found me and healed me, but I've never taken aruna, Chelone. That is the problem.'

He'd gone white. 'I see. Then... how...?'

'There are ways,' she said. 'Use your imagination.'

'Why me? Why now?'

'Because I don't know you,' she said. 'Because you're not so d.a.m.ned concerned about me. Because, with you, I have no past. And also, because I like you a lot too. Will that do?'

He looked uncertain.

'Was I supposed to ask first, or something?' she said. 'If so, I'm sorry. This isn't the big responsibility you think it is. Really.'

'You don't have to ask. You just took me by surprise, that's all. I wasn't expecting it.' He squeezed her hand. 'I will be honoured.'

Mima took a deep breath, wondered why she was having difficulty focusing on his face. 'I have only one requirement.'

'Which is?'

'We both get drunk first.'

When he took her to his apartment in the barracks complex, Mima was aware her life might be in danger. She had shared breath successfully, but there was no proof that his essence couldn't kill her. Why am I willing to take this risk? Why am I willing to take this risk? she thought. Because it had to be done. She couldn't go on unless she knew. If she was a freak and an accident, then maybe she'd be better off dead, but if she was something else, and proved it, then she could live fully and happily. she thought. Because it had to be done. She couldn't go on unless she knew. If she was a freak and an accident, then maybe she'd be better off dead, but if she was something else, and proved it, then she could live fully and happily.

She made him turn out the lights, because she didn't want him inspecting her too closely. He held her naked on his bed and his strongly beating heart made her body vibrate. His breath smelled of alcohol and his hands were hot. She wilted beneath the heat of him. He put his fingers inside her and ignited five fires, one by one. 'The soume aspect is strong in you,' he said.

She didn't answer, trying so hard not to break her teeth, because her jaw was clenched tight. Reality was breaking down all around her. She was the earth and a great mountain was thrusting up from the soil. It made a sound like the heavens cracking. There was no pain, only a sense of something immense occurring, like the birth of a world or a universe. She was not in her own body any more. The mountain would erupt and hot lava would cascade down its sides, perhaps bringing death. The earth might be scorched, or might bear it. The earth might be stronger than the mountain. The fires inside her became volcanoes. She was erupting too and the whole world was flame. For a moment, she opened her eyes, expecting reality, but it had gone. This was no vision. It was real. She was looking upon an alien place so bizarre she could not identify the objects around her. The air was like gla.s.s and it had begun to splinter. She felt a rush of heat within her and thought that if these were to be her final moments, she must live them in the steam of his breath. She pulled his mouth towards her, sucked in his scream of repletion and the universe shattered around them with a mighty crash. A wind that smelled of nothing Mima had ever smelled before seared over them. She felt it move her hair.

Chelone collapsed onto her heavily, his breathing laboured. She was alive. Was she starting to burn up? No. If anything, she felt cool now. The room had reappeared, all the normal things like chairs and lamps, and clothes strewn on the floor.

Chelone raised his head. 'I don't know what happened to you in the past,' he said, 'but you just took me to a very weird place. I thought we were dying. I thought we'd just shatter and disappear.'

'We nearly did,' Mima said. 'Isn't that normal?'