But the heat, and the press, and the noise, and the din, Were so great, that, howe'er unwilling, Our Reporter no longer was able to stay, But came in his own defence away, And left the Bride quadrilling.

PROLOGUES AND EPILOGUES

EPILOGUE TO G.o.dWIN'S TRAGEDY OF "ANTONIO"

(1800)

Ladies, ye've seen how Guzman's consort died, Poor victim of a Spaniard brother's pride, When Spanish honour through the world was blown, And Spanish beauty for the best was known[19].

In that romantic, unenlighten'd time, A _breach of promise_[20] was a sort of crime-- Which of you handsome English ladies here, But deem the penance b.l.o.o.d.y and severe?

A whimsical old Saragossa[21] fashion, That a dead father's dying inclination, Should _live_ to thwart a living daughter's pa.s.sion[22], Unjustly on the s.e.x _we_[23] men exclaim, Rail at _your_[24] vices,--and commit the same;-- Man is a promise-breaker from the womb, And goes a promise-breaker to the tomb-- What need we instance here the lover's vow, The sick man's purpose, or the great man's bow[25]?

The truth by few examples best is shown-- Instead of many which are better known, Take poor Jack Incident, that's dead and gone.

Jack, of dramatic genius justly vain, Purchased a renter's share at Drury-lane; A prudent man in every other matter, Known at his club-room for an honest hatter; Humane and courteous, led a civil life, And has been seldom known to beat his wife; But Jack is now grown quite another man, Frequents the green-room, knows the plot and plan Of each new piece, And has been seen to talk with Sheridan!

In at the play-house just at six he pops, And never quits it till the curtain drops, Is never absent on the _author's night_, Knows actresses and actors too--by sight; So humble, that with Suett he'll confer, Or take a pipe with plain Jack Bannister; Nay, with an author has been known so free, He once suggested a catastrophe-- In short, John dabbled till his head was turn'd: His wife remonstrated, his neighbours mourn'd, His customers were dropping off apace, And Jack's affairs began to wear a piteous face.

One night his wife began a curtain lecture; 'My dearest Johnny, husband, spouse, protector, Take pity on your helpless babes and me, Save us from ruin, you from bankruptcy-- Look to your business, leave these cursed plays, And try again your old industrious ways.'

Jack, who was always scared at the Gazette, And had some bits of scull uninjured yet, Promised amendment, vow'd his wife spake reason, 'He would not see another play that season--'

Three stubborn fortnights Jack his promise kept, Was late and early in his shop, eat, slept, And walk'd and talk'd, like ordinary men; No _wit_, but John the hatter once again-- Visits his club: when lo! one _fatal night_ His wife with horror view'd the well-known sight-- John's _hat, wig, snuff-box_--well she knew his tricks-- And Jack decamping at the hour of six.

Just at the counter's edge a playbill lay, Announcing that 'Pizarro' was the play-- 'O Johnny, Johnny, this is your old doing.'

Quoth Jack, 'Why what the devil storm's a-brewing?

About a harmless play why all this fright?

I'll go and see it, if it's but for spite-- Zounds, woman! Nelson's[26] to be there to-night.'

[Footnote 19: Four _easy_ lines.]

[Footnote 20: For which the _heroine died_.]

[Footnote 21: In _Spain_!!]

[Footnote 22: Two _neat_ lines.]

[Footnote 23: Or _you_.]

[Footnote 24: Or _our_, as _they_ have altered it.]

[Footnote 25: Ant.i.thesis!!]

[Footnote 26: "A good clap-trap. Nelson has exhibited two or three times at both theatres--and advertised himself."]

PROLOGUE TO G.o.dWIN'S TRAGEDY OF "FAULKENER"

(1807)

An author who has given you all delight, Furnish'd the tale our stage presents to-night.

Some of our earliest tears He taught to steal Down our young cheeks, and forc'd us first to feel.

To solitary sh.o.r.es whole years confin'd, Who has not read how pensive _Crusoe_ pin'd?

Who, now grown old, that did not once admire His goat, his parrot, his uncouth attire, The stick, due-notch'd, that told each tedious day That in the lonely island wore away?

Who has not shudder'd, where he stands aghast At sight of human footsteps in the waste?

Or joy'd not, when his trembling hands unbind Thee, _Friday_, gentlest of the savage kind?

The genius who conceiv'd that magic tale Was skill'd by native pathos to prevail.

His stories, though rough-drawn, and fram'd in haste, Had that which pleas'd our homely grandsires' taste.

His was a various pen, that freely rov'd Into all subjects, was in most approv'd.

Whate'er the theme, his ready Muse obey'd-- Love, courtship, politics, religion, trade-- Gifted alike to shine in every sphere, Nov'list, historian, poet, pamphleteer.

In some blest interval of party-strife, He drew a striking sketch from private life, Whose moving scenes of intricate distress We try to-night in a dramatic dress: A real story of domestic woe, That asks no aid from music, verse, or show, But trusts to truth, to nature, and _Defoe._

EPILOGUE TO HENRY SIDDONS' FARCE, "TIME'S A TELL-TALE"

(1807)

Bound for the port of matrimonial bliss, Ere I hoist sail, I hold it not amiss, (Since prosp'rous ends ask prudent introductions) To take a slight peep at my written instructions.

There's nothing like determining in time All questions marital or maritime.

In all seas, straits, gulphs, ports, havens, lands, creeks.

Oh! Here it begins.

"Season, spring, wind standing at point Desire-- The good ship Matrimony--Commander. Blanford, Esq.

Art. I.

"The captain that has the command of her, Or in his absence, the acting officer, To see her planks are sound, her timbers tight."-- That acting officer I don't relish quite, No, as I hope to tack another verse on, I'll do those duties in my proper person.

Art. II.

"All mutinies to be suppress'd at first."

That's a good caution to prevent the worst.

Art. III.

"That she be properly victual'd, mann'd and stor'd, To see no foreigners are got aboard."

That's rather difficult. Do what we can, A vessel sometimes may mistake her man.

The safest way in such a parlous doubt, Is steady watch and keep a sharp look out.