POLITICAL AND OTHER EPIGRAMS

TO SIR JAMES MACKINTOSH

(1801)

Though thou'rt like Judas, an apostate black, In the resemblance one thing thou dost lack: When he had gotten his ill-purchased pelf, He went away, and wisely hanged himself.

This thou may'st do at last; yet much I doubt, If thou hast any _bowels_ to gush out!

TWELFTH NIGHT

_Characters That Might Have Been Drawn on the Above Evening_

(1802)

MR. A[DDINGTON]

I put my night-cap on my head, And went, as usual, to my bed; And, most surprising to relate, I woke--a Minister of State!

MESSRS. C[ANNIN]G AND F[RER]E

At Eton School brought up with dull boys, We shone like _men_ among the _school-boys_; But since we in the world have been, We are but _school-boys_ among _men_.

COUNT RUMFORD

I deal in aliments fict.i.tious And teaze the poor with soups nutritious.

Of bones and flesh I make dilution And belong to the National Inst.i.tution.

ON A LATE EMPIRIC OF "BALMY" MEMORY

(1802. Not printed till 1820)

His namesake, born of Jewish breeder, Knew "from the Hyssop to the Cedar;"

But he, unlike the Jewish leader, Scarce knew the Hyssop from the Cedar.

EPIGRAMS

(1812)

I

Princeps his rent from tinneries draws, His best friends are refiners;-- What wonder then his other friends He leaves for under-_miners._

II

Ye Politicians, tell me, pray, Why thus with woe and care rent?

This is the worst that you can say, Some wind has blown the _wig_ away, And left the _hair apparent._

THE TRIUMPH OF THE WHALE

(1812)

Io! Paean! Io! sing To the funny people's King.

Not a mightier whale than this In the vast Atlantic is; Not a fatter fish than he Flounders round the polar sea.

See his blubbers--at his gills What a world of drink he swills, From his trunk, as from a spout, Which next moment he pours out.

Such his person--next declare, Muse, who his companions are.-- Every fish of generous kind Scuds aside, or slinks behind; But about his presence keep All the Monsters of the Deep; Mermaids, with their tails and singing His delighted fancy stinging; Crooked Dolphins, they surround him, Dog-like Seals, they fawn around him.

Following hard, the progress mark Of the intolerant salt sea shark.

For his solace and relief, Flat fish are his courtiers chief.

Last and lowest in his train, Ink-fish (libellers of the main) Their black liquor shed in spite: (Such on earth the things _that write_.) In his stomach, some do say, No good thing can ever stay.

Had it been the fortune of it To have swallowed that old Prophet, Three days there he'd not have dwell'd, But in one have been expell'd.

Hapless mariners are they, Who beguil'd (as seamen say), Deeming him some rock or island, Footing sure, safe spot, and dry land, Anchor in his scaly rind; Soon the difference they find; Sudden plumb, he sinks beneath them; Does to ruthless seas bequeath them.

Name or t.i.tle what has he?

Is he Regent of the Sea?

From this difficulty free us, Buffon, Banks or sage Linnaeus.

With his wondrous attributes Say what appellation suits.

By his bulk, and by his size, By his oily qualities, This (or else my eyesight fails), This should be the PRINCE OF WHALES.