Another guard came near, and Sam said, "Join in. Two against one. It will but even the odds."

The other guards were confused, but watched carefully. Sam held her own against the two guards, and although they tried, they couldn't match her moves. Sam's moves became stronger and stronger against the guards, and they began to worry. It wasn't like The Highest to make such moves in practice.

One guard had gone to get Meera. Meera walked up casually, studied Sam carefully, unsheathed her sword and said loudly so Sam would take notice, "HIGHEST. If you want to but practice, then practice with someone who is better than you."

Sam looked at her, non-smiling, "We shall see, Meera. Make your best moves, as I will not soften mine."

Meera nodded and the practice began. The guards watched intently as these two women, leaders of Woden, practiced as if in real fight. The force of their blows against one another sounded loudly, and in truth, neither woman held back. Sam moved her sword with all her might against Meera, but Meera was able to counter and move Sam back.

In a final and frustrated move, Sam raised her sword and came down with every ounce of her strength left, yelling out as she did, "NOOOOOO!"

Meera held her sword true with both hands, saw Sam drop her sword, and then re-sheathed her own, "Highest, let us but take a walk."

Meera picked up the guard's sword and returned it to her. Sam nodded at Meera. She hadn't noticed that Jandra and May had been watching - 341 -.

the moment. As Sam and Meera walked away together, Meera motioned for the guards to remain near the dwelling. Jandra and May were worried but had decided not to interfere.

As they got down to the river, away from everyone else, Meera asked Sam, "Would you care to talk about it, Sam?"

Sam sat down at the river's bank, "There be this uncertainty and rage within me, Meera, which I can't explain. I know not where it comes from.

I was walking to the dwelling from the fisheries, and I suddenly realized that I know not what it be I truly want. I know not if I can make such a commitment."

Meera nodded, but said nothing.

"I suddenly realized that I have had many lovers these cycles, but have remained free of commitment. Now that I but face it, it frightens me. I feel like running away as fast as I can. Away from Woden. Away from being The Highest. Away from companionships. Away from demands. I feel but a prisoner in Woden."

She looked at Meera, "I am angry, and I know not why. I came up to the dwelling, and could not go inside. I feel rage. Where is that coming from, Meera? What be wrong with me?"

"What is it you need, Sam?"

"Release. Freedom. Moments alone. I know not. I think I am but as a spoiled child. I had but a commitment prior, so what is so different about this one? You have made but a commitment and seem to enjoy it. You are a Second of Woden and it seems not to bother you. How is Second so much different than being Highest? Why does it but bother me? And how can I be The Highest every turn and then return to my dwelling to face more issues and problems? I used to be able to return to my dwelling in quiet and solitude. Now I face the same lover but every eve. How do you do it, Meera? Who I am to be Highest?"

"Hold, Sam. You are overloaded. It but sounds like becoming The Highest and taking a companion are but overly close together. Perhaps you should not take a companion at this festival, but let the issue settle itself by the next festival. You move, by necessity, overly quickly, but it does not need to be so. You are The Highest, and that is difficult to change, but you need not rush into a companionship if the commitment but frightens you so. I would place wagers that Jandra agrees with me on this."

"I feel invaded, Meera. And that seems so very unfair to Jandra. It be not of her doing. I like her ways fine and she but well pleases me as a lover.

Another would make it even worse. Jandra is most patient and understanding. And she be most beautiful to look at. She complains not about remaining in my dwelling, with the spirit of Brett. I would not be so giving or - 342 -.

understanding. Perhaps it is as you say. Perhaps it is overly much at one moment."

"Do you need her, Sam?"

"I need you, and you have always been there for me."

Meera shook her head, "No, Sam. It be different. I need Caitha at the end of the turn. I like to go to my dwelling and listen to Caitha tell me of her turn, and feel her wrap her arms around me. I need her, Sam. I need her to soften me and to help me through my life. I hope I do the same for her."

"But I have needed both you and Caitha in this way. You but do that for me, except for the physical side, which I have but taken care of with lovers, such as Oisin."

"No, Sam. It be not the same. Do you think of Jandra when you be not with her?"

"Yes. I think of her. But not always as I should."

"In what ways?"

"I think of her beauty. I think of her inner strength. I think of her leadership abilities and how they but please and surprise me. I think of her stance as a Second and how it but grows. I think of her eyes and how they but look at me at special moments. I think of her honesty and directness with me. I think of her gentleness when we are but alone. And she but worries overly, which I don't need. But I also think of Oisin overly much."

"If Jandra but left you this turn, Sam, and moved back to her own dwelling, how would that but make you feel?"

"I know not. Perhaps empty for a moment. Quiet. I would miss her touching. I would not miss being controlled or being told what to do. I would feel but sadness."

"Would you want her back?"

"As a lover? Yes. As a continual companion? I know not. But it must be so. It but frightens me. Someone there all the moments. How do you but do it?"

"I am not there except in the eves, mostly. And I need Caitha."

"Did you at first?"

"I think it more like you describe. It was but frightening at first."

"I was not frightened with Brett."

"You were younger and not so set in your ways, you old woman."

Sam laughed, "Perhaps you be correct, Meera. I am feeling better.

What would I but do without you?"

"And I cannot do without you, you crazy old woman, who also happens to be the leader of all of Woden. But it somehow adds a certain distinction to Woden to have but a crazy old woman of a leader, think you not?"

- 343 -.

Sam laughed again, "Thank you, Meera. I especially like being called the old woman. That is very comforting for me. What is your parting piece of advice?"

Meera laughed, "First, never raise your sword above your head with your weaker arm in control."

Sam laughed at that, "And you used to tell me over and over again, 'Second, never raise your sword in anger. You will but lose your fight.' I remember your words well, but not well enough to heed them, I guess."

"You are just overly loaded with responsibility. My Second and last piece of advice is to speak with Jandra about this. Work through a solution together. She has more understanding than you but give her credit for."

Sam nodded and rose, "Walk me back, Meera, and then return home to your dwelling and Caitha. You are more to Woden than Second of all her defenses. You are but my healer."

"I have to but admit, Highest. That last sword move nearly made me lose my sword. That was a most powerful blow. You get stronger."

"I hope I didn't hurt you or the guards. I am but embarrassed."

"No need. They should be but embarrassed for their weak display of practice. They will hear from me on this. And it would appear that you but stole one of their swords while they but looked."

"So it would seem." Sam turned and gave Meera a hug, "Thank you, my friend."

Meera hugged her back, then turned and walked toward her own dwelling. Sam looked once more to her own dwelling, paused a moment, then walked up to the patio, to Jandra. Jandra waited on the patio, looking very concerned.

Sam went up to her and saw that May was yet present, "May, we will take our meal inside. There be no need for you here. Please go to your dwelling and enjoy your companion. We will see you next turn at festival.

We will manage our own morn meal. Thank you much."

May had lived through many of Sam's moods and recognized this one well. She knew that Sam needed solitude and quiet, "I will inform the guards to make themselves hidden, Highest. I will see you at festival."

May left and Sam guided Jandra inside to the kitchen area. Jandra sat down while Sam placed the meal on the table, and then she also sat down.

Sam placed some food onto her plate and some onto Jandra's as well.

"Jandra, be you nervous about the festival?"

Jandra nodded, but didn't take the meaning as Sam had intended, "I am, but I think it will go well. Hengist and Briggon have planned it with much attention."

- 344 -.

Sam shook her head, "This pleases me, but is not my meaning." Sam took Jandra's hand and held it, and looked into her eyes, "Tell me truly, Jandra. Does taking a companion but make you nervous?"

Jandra eyes opened wide at the question, and a single tear dropped from Jandra's eyes, "How did you but know of this, Sam?"

"That is unimportant. Tell me, Jandra. Tell me what makes you nervous. Be not afraid of this."

Another tear slipped from Jandra's eyes, "I know not, and it confuses me most. I know I want you, but I am afraid of disappointing you and of being a burden to you."

Sam looked at her and simply said, "And . . .?"

"Oh, Sam. This be most difficult. But I am afraid of commitment. I have been free of it for the past cycles, and now I feel like I will not be worthy. That you will tire of me. That you facing me at the end of every turn will bore you and unexcite you."

"But what of your needs, Jandra? What do you need?"

"I love you as a lover, Sam. You are the best I have ever had. But I need to feel needed and loved, and you do neither. You are most independent and remain that way. I have little impact on your life, but you have turned mine upside down. I cannot halt in my thinking of you. Your touch. Your eyes. The way you hold me. The things you say to me."

"I do need you, Jandra. But I don't want to need you. I don't want to hurt like I did when I lost Brett. It be overly painful. But I do need you. I just don't want to admit to it, so I but hide and deny it."

Sam took Jandra's hand, "I have thought as you have. Can I make this commitment but to one lover for the rest of my life? I have never truly thought about what it is I want. I know not. When I had but lovers and no companion, I but wanted a companion. Now that I face a companion, I but worry about wanting many lovers, instead. It confuses me. It would seem I always want what I don't have."

"Sam. Halt a moment. What is this word you use, 'don't'?"

Sam laughed, "I think I but get used to these words from the diaries. I find them creeping into my thoughts. I but like the sound of them. They sound so old and formal. Don't you think so?"

"I do, but they will take some getting used to. I wonder why they used them, so. I but interrupt you, and do not, no, don't mean to."

Sam thought a moment, and then said, "You mentioned that I don't make you feel needed."

Jandra moved her hand away, "You don't need anyone, Sam. You are a free spirit. You like me here when it is convenient. But this eve, for example, you could not face coming inside to me. I made it impossible for you - 345 -.

to enter your own dwelling. It be overly much for you. And it be embarrassing for me. And, Sam, you yet love Oisin. I can see this as so."

Sam saw the look in Jandra's eyes, and felt saddened by it, "You but think of moving back to your own dwelling?"

Jandra's eyes let loose more tears, "Our companionship be not working. And you truly need me not. I be in the way in your dwelling. I will have my items moved back to my dwelling in the morn. You need fewer moments together, and I need more."

Sam turned her back to Jandra, as she didn't wish Jandra to see her face. Sam was deeply upset and tears were beginning to form. She didn't wish Jandra to see her cry. Jandra looked with amazement at Sam, as she hadn't understood how deeply Sam had hidden away her need.

Sam lowered her head and defeatedly said, "I know not what to do."

Sam began to leave the room, having committed her heart overly already, but turned back to look at Jandra.

She smiled a difficult smile, one with a heavy weight, "It be but funny, Jandra. The moment you decide to not make this commitment, I but learn how much you mean to me. I am sorry for any hurt or pain I have but given."

Sam started to leave the room. Jandra went to her, desperately, "Sam.

Hold."

Sam turned around and saw Jandra's hand held out to her. Jandra saw tears running down Sam's face, "I should not have entered such a relationship unless I could have left my prior sadness apart from us. I knew not the extent to my feelings. I am but sorry I made you live in our, no, my dwelling. I see now that I was but selfish."

She turned and began walking out of the room once again.

Jandra began to cry and fell to her knees. She lowered her head into her hands and wept. Sam turned around, once more, and saw Jandra crying, wholly consumed with despair. She stood, not knowing what to do.

How did this happen?

She couldn't take more hurt, but wanted desperately to go to Jandra.

She briefly hoped. But she hoped with despair. Fear consumed and paralyzed her. Fear, a feeling Sam knew little of in battle, had taken over. Sam looked at her fear and felt it, and began to recognize what it was doing to her. She remembered something her Birth-Mother had told her: If you can know and face your fear, you will but defeat it. If you cannot, it will defeat you.

Sam thought quickly. If I but go to Jandra this moment, it will mean that . . .

She suddenly halted thinking, faced her fear directly, and conquered it. She went to the now-shattered Jandra and knelt down to her, with her.

She moved Jandra's hands away from her face and gently moved her head up so she could look into Jandra's eyes.

- 346 -.

"Jandra. It is my own fear of commitment that has but created this moment. Know that it has been many cycles since I have spoken these words, but know that I speak them truly as I could not say them if they be not so. Jandra, I"

A guard and a messenger had entered the kitchen suddenly, and interrupted Sam. Both she and Jandra rose and faced the intruders to their privacy.

The guard and messenger had knelt and bowed their heads.

"Rise. What is the cause of this interruption?"

Sam was not pleased by the interruption, and Jandra looked dazed, but tried to pull herself together.