The bouncer looked down at me as if I were an annoying insect that needed to be squashed. He needed a little att.i.tude adjustment, I reasoned, so I reached down into my right sock, pulled out a stack of $10,000 in hundreds, and peeled off half and handed it to him.

With his att.i.tude now properly adjusted, I said, "Would you bring me the five hottest girls in this place, and then clear out the VIP section for my friends and me?"

He smiled.

Five minutes later we had the entire VIP section to ourselves. There were four reasonably hot strippers standing in front of us in their birthday suits and high heels. They were all decent-looking, but none of them was marriage material. I needed a true beauty, one I could parade around Long Island to show the d.u.c.h.ess once and for all who was boss.

Just then the bouncer opened the velvet rope and a naked teenager made her way up the steps, in a pair of white patent-leather go-to-h.e.l.l pumps. She sat down next to me on the arm of the club chair, crossed her bare legs with complete insouciance, and then leaned over and gave me a peck on the cheek. She smelled of a mixture of Angel perfume and a tiny drop of her own musky aroma from dancing. She was gorgeous. She couldn't have been a day over eighteen. She had a great mane of light-brown hair, emerald-green eyes, a tiny b.u.t.ton nose, and a smooth jaw-line. Her body was incredible-about five-five, a pair of silicone C-cups, a gentle curve to her tummy, and legs that rivaled the d.u.c.h.ess's. She had olive skin, and there wasn't a single blemish on it.

We exchanged smiles, and her teeth were even and white. In a voice loud enough to cut through the stripper music, I said, "What's your name?"

She leaned toward me until her lips were almost pressing against my right ear, and she said, "Blaze."

I recoiled and looked at her with my head c.o.c.ked to one side. "What kinda f.u.c.king name is Blaze? Did your mother know you were gonna be a stripper when you were born?"

She stuck her tongue out at me, so I stuck my tongue back at her. "My real name is Jennifer," she said. "Blaze is my stage name."

"Well," I said, "it's very nice to make your acquaintance, Blaze."

"Awwww," she said, rubbing her cheek against mine. "You're such a little cutie!"

Little? Why...you... Why...you...little hooker in stripper's clothing! I oughta smash you one! I took a deep breath and said, "What do you mean?" I took a deep breath and said, "What do you mean?"

That seemed to confuse her. "I mean you're...a cutie, and you have beautiful eyes, and you're young!" She offered me her stripper's smile.

She had a very sweet voice, Blaze. Would Gwynne approve of her, though? In truth, it was still too early to say if this one would make a suitable mother for the children.

"Do you like Quaaludes?" I asked.

She shrugged her bare shoulders. "I never tried one. What do they make you feel like?"

Hmmm...a novice, I thought. No patience to break her in. "How about c.o.ke? Have you tried that?"

She raised her eyebrows. "Yeah, I love c.o.ke! Do you have any?"

I nodded eagerly. "Yeah, mountains of it!"

"Well, then, follow me," she said, grabbing my hand. "And don't call me Blaze anymore, okay? My name is Jennie."

I smiled at my future wife. "Okay, Jennie. Do you like kids, by the way?" I crossed my fingers.

She smiled from ear to ear. "Yeah, I love kids. I wanna have a whole bunch one day. Why?"

"No particular reason," I said to my future wife. "I was just wondering."

Ahhh, Jennie! My very antidote to the backstabbing d.u.c.h.ess! Who even needed to go back to Old Brookville now? I could just move Chandler and Carter down to Florida. Gwynne and Janet would come too. The d.u.c.h.ess would have visitation rights, once a year, under court supervision. That would be fair. My very antidote to the backstabbing d.u.c.h.ess! Who even needed to go back to Old Brookville now? I could just move Chandler and Carter down to Florida. Gwynne and Janet would come too. The d.u.c.h.ess would have visitation rights, once a year, under court supervision. That would be fair.

Jennie and I pa.s.sed away the next four hours in the manager's office, snorting cocaine, as she gave me private lap dances and world-cla.s.s b.l.o.w. .j.o.bs, in spite of the fact that I hadn't been able to actually get it up yet. I was now convinced, however, that she would make a suitable mother for my children, so I said to the top of Jennie's head, "Hold on, Jennie. Stop sucking for a second."

She craned up her neck and offered me her stripper's smile. "What's wrong, sweetie?"

I shook my head. "Nothing's wrong. In fact, everything's right. I want to introduce you to my mother. Hold on a second." I pulled out my cell phone and dialed my parents' house in Bayside, which had had the same phone number for thirty-five years.

A moment later came my mother's concerned voice, to which I replied, "No, no, don't listen to her. Everything is fine.... A restraining order? So f.u.c.king what? I have two houses; she can keep one and I can keep the other.... The children? They'll live with me, of course. I mean, who could do a better job raising them than me? Anyway, that's not why I called, Mom; I called to let you know that I'm asking Nadine for a divorce.... Why? Because she's a backstabbing b.i.t.c.h, that's why! Besides, I already met someone else, and she's really nice." I looked over at Jennie, who was fairly beaming, and I winked at her. Then I said into the phone, "Listen, Mom, I want you to speak to my future wife. She's really sweet and beautiful and...Where am I right now? I'm in a strip club down in Miami.... Why?...No, she's not a stripper, or at least not anymore. She's putting all that behind her now. I'm gonna spoil her rotten." I winked at Jennie again. "Her name is Jennie, but you can call her Blaze if you want. She won't take offense at that; she's a very easygoing girl. Hold on-here she is."

I pa.s.sed the cell phone to Jennie. "My mom's name is Leah, and she's very nice. Everyone loves her."

Jennie shrugged and grabbed the phone. "h.e.l.lo, Leah? This is Jennie. How are you?...Oh, I'm fine, thanks for asking.... Yes, he's okay.... Uh-huh, yes, okay, hold on a second." Jennie puther hand over the mouthpiece and said, "She said she wants to speak to you again."

Unbelievable! I thought. That was very rude of my mother to blow off my future wife like that! I grabbed the phone and hung up on her. Then I smiled from ear to ear, lay back down on the couch, and pointed to my loins.

Jennie nodded eagerly, leaned over me, and started sucking...and grabbing...and yanking...and pulling...and then sucking some more.... Still, for the life of me I couldn't seem to get the blood flowing. But my young Jennie was a trooper, a determined little teenager she was, not about to quit without giving it a full college try. Fifteen minutes later she finally found that special little spot, and next thing I knew I was hard as a rock-f.u.c.king her mercilessly on a cheap white cloth couch and telling her that I loved her. She told me that she loved me too, at which point we both giggled. It was a happy moment for us as we marveled at how two lost souls could fall so deeply in love so quickly-even under these circ.u.mstances.

It was amazing. Yes, in that very instant-just before I came-Jennie was everything to me. Then an instant later I wished she would vaporize into thin air. A terrible sinking feeling washed over me like a hundred-foot tidal wave. My heart sank into the pit of my stomach. I visibly sagged. I was thinking of the d.u.c.h.ess: I missed her.

I needed to speak to her desperately. I needed for her to tell me that she still loved me and that she was still mine. I smiled sadly at Jennie and told her that I needed to speak to Dave for a second and that I'd be right back. I went out into the club, found Dave, and told him that if I didn't leave this place right this second I might kill myself, which would put him in deep s.h.i.t, since it was his responsibility to keep me alive until things settled down a bit. So we left, without saying good-bye to Jennie.

Dave and I were sitting in the back of the limo, on our way to his house in Broken Sound, a gated community in Boca Raton. The Uniblinker had fallen in love with a stripper and stayed behind-and I was now considering slitting my wrists. I felt myself crashing; the cocaine was wearing off and I was falling from an emotional cliff. I needed to speak to the d.u.c.h.ess. Only she could help me.

It was two in the morning. I grabbed Dave's cell phone and dialed my home number. A woman's voice answered, but it wasn't the d.u.c.h.ess's.

"Who's this?" I snapped.

"It's Donna."

Oh, s.h.i.t! Donna Schlesinger was just the sort of catty b.i.t.c.h who'd eat this s.h.i.t up. She was a childhood friend of Nadine's, and she'd been jealous of her since she was old enough to understand the concept. I took a deep breath and said, "Let me speak to my wife, Donna." Donna Schlesinger was just the sort of catty b.i.t.c.h who'd eat this s.h.i.t up. She was a childhood friend of Nadine's, and she'd been jealous of her since she was old enough to understand the concept. I took a deep breath and said, "Let me speak to my wife, Donna."

"She doesn't want to talk to you right now."

That enraged me. "Just put her on the f.u.c.king phone, Donna."

"I told you," snapped Donna, "she doesn't want to talk to you."

"Donna," I said calmly, "I'm not f.u.c.king around here. I'm warning you right now that if you don't put her on the phone I'm gonna fly back to New York and stick a f.u.c.king knife through your heart. And then, when I'm done with you, I'm going after your husband, just on general principles." Then I screamed, "Put her on the phone right f.u.c.king now!"

"Hold on," said a very nervous Donna.

I rolled my neck, trying to calm myself down. Then I looked at Dave and said, "You know I didn't really mean that. I was just trying to make a point."

He nodded and said, "I hate Donna as much as you do, but I think you ought to let Nadine be for a couple of days. Just back off a bit. I spoke to Laurie, and she said Nadine is pretty shaken up."

"What else did Laurie say?"

"She said that Nadine won't take you back unless you go to drug rehab."

Just then over the cell phone: "Hi, Jordan, it's Ophelia. Are you okay?"

I took a deep breath. Ophelia was a good girl, but she couldn't be trusted. She was the d.u.c.h.ess's oldest friend, and she would want the best for us...but, still...the d.u.c.h.ess had crawled inside her mind...manipulated her...turned her against me. Ophelia could be an enemy. Still, unlike Donna, she wasn't evil, so I found her voice somewhat calming. "I'm okay, Ophelia. Will you please put Nadine on the phone?"

I heard her sigh. "She won't come to the phone, Jordan. She won't speak to you unless you go to rehab."

"I don't need rehab," I said sincerely. "I just need to slow down a bit. Tell her I will."

"I'll tell her," said Ophelia, "but I don't think it'll help. Listen, I'm sorry, but I gotta go." And just like that she hung up the phone on me.

My spirits plunged even lower. I took a deep breath and dropped my head in defeat. "Unbelievable," I muttered under my breath.

Dave put his arm on my shoulder. "Are you all right, buddy?"

"Yeah," I lied, "I'm fine. I don't wanna talk right now. I just need to think."

Dave nodded, and we spent the remainder of the ride in silence.

Fifteen minutes later I was sitting in Dave's living room, feeling hopeless and desperate. The insanity seemed even worse now; my spirits had plunged to impossible depths. Dave was sitting next to me on the couch, saying nothing. He was just watching and waiting. In front of me was a pile of cocaine. My pills were on the kitchen counter. I had tried calling the house a dozen times, but Rocco had started to answer the phone. Apparently he'd turned against me too. I would fire him as soon as this was resolved.

I said to Dave, "Call Laurie on her cell phone. It's the only way I can get through."

Dave nodded wearily and started punching in Laurie's number on the cordless phone. Thirty seconds later I had her on the phone, and she was crying. "Listen," she said, snuffling back tears, "you know how much Dave and I love you, Jordan, but, please, I'm begging you, you gotta go to rehab. You gotta get help. You're about to die. Don't you see it? You're a brilliant man and you're destroying yourself. If you won't do it for yourself, then do it for Channy and Carter. Please!"

I took a deep breath and rose from the couch and started walking toward the kitchen. Dave followed a few steps behind. "Does Nadine still love me?" I asked.

"Yes," said Laurie, "she still loves you, but she won't be with you anymore unless you go to rehab."

I took another deep breath. "If she loves me she'll come to the phone."

"No," said Laurie, "if she loves you she won't won't come to the phone. You two are in this thing together; you're both sick with this disease. She might be even sicker than you for allowing it to go on so long. You need to go to rehab, Jordan, and she needs to get help too." come to the phone. You two are in this thing together; you're both sick with this disease. She might be even sicker than you for allowing it to go on so long. You need to go to rehab, Jordan, and she needs to get help too."

I couldn't believe it. Even Laurie had turned on me! I never would've thought it-not in a million years. Well, f.u.c.k her! f.u.c.k her! And f.u.c.k the d.u.c.h.ess! And f.u.c.k every last soul on earth! Who gave a f.u.c.king s.h.i.t anymore! I had already peaked, hadn't I? I was thirty-four and had already lived ten lifetimes. What was the point now? Was there anywhere to go but down? What was better, to die a slow, painful death or to go down in a blaze of glory? And f.u.c.k the d.u.c.h.ess! And f.u.c.k every last soul on earth! Who gave a f.u.c.king s.h.i.t anymore! I had already peaked, hadn't I? I was thirty-four and had already lived ten lifetimes. What was the point now? Was there anywhere to go but down? What was better, to die a slow, painful death or to go down in a blaze of glory?

Just then I caught a glimpse of the vial of morphine. There were at least a hundred pills inside, fifteen milligrams each. They were small pills, half the size of a pea, and they were a terrific shade of purple. I'd taken ten today, which was enough to put most men in an irreversible coma; for me, it was nothing.

With great sadness in my voice, I said to Laurie, "Tell Nadine I'm sorry, and to kiss the kids good-bye." The last thing I heard before I hung up the phone was Laurie screaming: "Jordan, no! Don't hang-"

In one swift movement I grabbed the vial of morphine, unscrewed the top, and poured out the entire contents into the palm of my hand. There were so many pills that half of them tumbled on the floor. Still, there were at least fifty, rising up in the shape of a pyramid. It looked beautiful; a purple pyramid. I threw them back and started chewing them. Then all h.e.l.l broke loose.

I saw Dave running toward me, so I darted to the other side of the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniel's, but before I could put my lips to the bottle he was on me-knocking the bottle out of my hand and grabbing me in a bear hug. The phone started to ring. He ignored it and took me down to the floor, then stuck his tremendous fingers in my mouth and tried scooping the pills out. I bit his fingers, but he was so strong he overpowered me. He screamed, "Spit them out! Spit them out!"

"f.u.c.k you!" I yelled. "Let me up or I'll f.u.c.king kill you, you big f.u.c.k!"

And the phone kept ringing, and Dave kept screaming, "Spit out the pills! Spit them out!" and I kept chewing and trying to swallow more pills until, finally, he grabbed my cheeks with his right hand and squeezed with tremendous force.

"Oww, f.u.c.k!" I spit out the pills. They tasted poisonous...incredibly bitter...and I had already swallowed so many of them it didn't really matter. It was only a matter of time now.

Holding me down with one hand, he picked up the cordless, dialed 911, and frantically gave the police his address. Then he threw down the phone and tried scooping more pills out of my mouth. I bit him again.

"Get your f.u.c.king paws out of my mouth, you big f.u.c.king oaf! I'll never forgive you. You're with them them."

"Calm down," he said, picking me up like a bundle of firewood and carrying me over to the couch.

And there I laid, cursing him out for a solid two minutes, until I started to lose interest. I was getting very tired...very warm...very dreamy. It felt rather pleasant, actually. Then the phone rang. Dave picked it up, and it was Laurie. I tried listening to the conversation, but I quickly drifted off. Dave pressed the phone to my ear and said, "Here, buddy, it's your wife. She wants to speak to you. She wants to tell you that she still loves you."

"Nae?" I said, in a sleepy voice.

The loving d.u.c.h.ess: "Hey, sweetie, hang in there for me. I still love you. Everything's gonna be okay. The kids love you, and I love you too. It's all gonna be okay. Don't fall asleep on me."

I started to cry. "I'm sorry, Nae. I didn't mean to do that to you today. I didn't know what I was doing. I can't live with myself.... I'm...sorry." I sobbed uncontrollably.

"It's okay," said my wife. "I still love you. Just hang in there. It's all gonna be okay."

"I've always loved you, Nae, since the first day I laid eyes on you."

Then I overdosed.

I woke up to the most horrendous feeling imaginable. I remember screaming, "No! Get that thing out of my mouth, you f.u.c.ker!" but not being sure exactly why.

I found out a second later. I was tied to an examining table in an emergency room, surrounded by a team of five doctors and nurses. The table was positioned upright, perpendicular to the floor. Not only were my arms and legs tied but there were also two thick vinyl belts affixing me to the table, one across my torso and the other across my thighs. A doctor in front of me, dressed in green hospital scrubs, was holding a long, thick black tube in his hand, the sort you would expect to find on a car radiator.

"Jordan," he said firmly, "you need to cooperate and stop trying to bite my hand. We have to pump your stomach."

"I'm fine," I muttered. "I didn't even swallow anything. I spit them out. I was only kidding."

"I understand," he said patiently, "but I can't afford to take that chance. We've given you Narcan to offset the narcotics, so you're out of danger now. But listen to me, my friend: Your blood pressure is off the charts and your heartbeat is erratic. What other drugs have you taken besides morphine?"

I took a moment to regard the doctor. He looked Iranian or Persian or something along those lines. Could he be trusted? I was a Jew, after all, which made me his sworn enemy. Or did the Hippocratic oath transcend all that? I looked around the room, and over in the corner I saw a very disturbing sight-two policemen, in uniform, with guns. They were leaning against a wall, observing. Time to clam up, I thought.

"Nothing," I croaked. "Only morphine, and maybe a bit of Xanax. I have a bad back. I got everything from the doctor."

The doctor smiled sadly. "I'm here to help you, Jordan, not to bust you."

I closed my eyes and prepared for the torture. Yes, I knew what was coming. This Persiranian b.a.s.t.a.r.d was gonna try to stick that tube down my esophagus, all the way into my stomach sac, where he would vacuum out the contents. Then he would dump a couple of pounds of black charcoal into my stomach to push the drugs through my digestive tract unabsorbed. It was one of the rare moments in my life when I regretted being well read. And the last thought I had before the five doctors and nurses attacked me and forced the tube down my throat was: G.o.d, I hate being right all the time! G.o.d, I hate being right all the time!