"Ships are often delayed for months."

"Yes, but you see this one was sighted off the coast in October and there was a great storm."

"I remember the great storm."

"So you see ..."

"Go on hoping," I said. "Strange things happen to ships. It might not have been his ship that was sighted. You can't be sure."

"No," he said firmly. "You can't be sure."

Then he told me about the new East India Company which had been founded and he talked glowingly of the progress it had made, and how his father had been instrumental in making it great.

"It was his idea really, you see. It started long ago before I was born. It was after the defeat of the Armada. My father believed that peaceful trading was the answer to our problems." I noticed with a touch of sorrow that he talked of his father in the past tense and I knew that in his heart he could not help thinking he was dead.

"How old will you have to be before you join your father?" I said deliberately, to restore his belief.

He smiled suddenly, dazzlingly; he had a beautiful face when he was happy.

"Sixteen perhaps. Six whole years."

I was able to tell him about my mother's death and that was the reason I was at Lyon Court with my grandmother. I found I could talk to him of that sad event more calmly than with anyone else. It was because he too had lost a deeply loved one. The bond was instantly formed between us. I knew he had loved and admired his father more than anyone, just as I had loved and admired my mother.

Thus we could comfort each other.

I made him tell me about ships and the company. His father had talked a great deal to him. I could imagine the sort of father he had been-a father of whom his children need never be afraid and for whom they had the utmost love and affection and above all respect. An ideal father. To have had such a father was a great blessing, but alas, to lose him must be the greatest tragedy.

Once he said to me: "Why is it that we have never met before? We often come here. You must do too, for this is the home of your grandparents."

I admitted it was strange, for we had come frequently.

"We must just have missed each other."

There was no doubt that Fenn and I did a great deal for each other and my grandmother was pleased about this.

There was one strange incident which happened during that visit and which I could never forget.

Senara, Damask and I shared a room at Lyon Court. It was a big room and there were three beds in it. One night I lay sleepless, for I had not slept well since my mother's death. I dreamed a good deal about her and I would wake up suddenly and imagine she was calling to me to come to her for she was afraid of something. This dream was a recurring one. In it I was always fighting to get to her and was unable to reach her. I would call out in my despair and then I was awake.

This is what happened on that particular night. I woke up wretched and sat up in bed, being unable for the moment to realize where I was. Then out of the gloom the familiar objects took shape-the planked hutch, the table with the carved panels and the two other pallets on which lay Damask and Senara.

I could hear the sound of someone's crying. I got out of bed, wrapped a robe about me and opened the door. I went into the corridor. The crying was coming from the room next to ours.

I knocked lightly on the door and as there was no answer I opened it gently. In the window seat, sitting very still, the tears falling unheeded down her cheeks, was Fenn's grandmother.

She started up as I entered. I said quickly: "I'm sorry. I heard your crying. Is there anything I can do?"

"It is Tamsyn," she said. "Did I awaken you?"

"I was not sleeping very well."

"You too are grieving," she said. "My poor child, you have lost your mother. I have lost my daughter and my son."

"Perhaps he did not drown."

"Yes, he did. He comes to me in dreams. His eyes are empty sockets and the fishes swim round him; the sea has him; he lies deep on the sea bed and I shall never see my beloved son again."

There was something alarming about the wildness in her eyes and I could see that her grief was an illness and that she was deeply stricken by it.

"Both my son ... and my daughter," she said.

"Your daughter too?"

"My daughter was murdered," she said.

"Murdered!" I whispered.

She caught her breath in a gasp of horror and then she said: "You are little Tamsyn Casvellyn. I must not talk to you of my daughter."

"You may talk to me of anything if it comforts you to do so."

"My dear child," she said. "My poor dear child."

I cried a little because, as Fenn helped me to forget my grief, she brought it back in all its vividness. I was right back in that dreadful morning when I had gone into my mother's bedroom and seen her lying there. I could hear Jennet babbling of what she had found and all my misery swept over me afresh.

She rocked me to and fro. "Life has been cruel to us both, my child, cruel ... cruel ..."

"When did your daughter die?"

"Before you were born ... It had to be before you were born." I did not understand that, but I had already discovered that she was incoherent.

"She was murdered by her husband. He is a murderer. One day fate will catch up with him. You'll see. It will be so. I am sure of it. And now my beautiful boy is taken from me by the sea. He was so young to die. Why did it have to happen to him? Within a few miles of the coast he was ..."

"Perhaps he will come back."

"Never," she said. "I shall never see his face again."

"At least," I said, "You have hope."

And I thought: I have no hope. I have seen my mother laid in her grave. Vividly into my mind there flashed the picture of the family burial ground-the grave of my father's first wife and that of the unknown sailor and my mother's.

She started to talk then, of her son Fennimore and his ambitions. "No mother ever had a better son. He was n.o.ble, he was good. He was a great man. And my daughter ... my little girl. She was frail. She should never have married. But it seemed natural and there was that ... that"-her voice sank to a whisper-"that monster!"

I tried to soothe her. I said she must go back to bed. But she would not be soothed; she started to lament loudly and I could not calm her.

I did not know what to do because she was becoming hysterical and I thought she must be ill. She clung to me, but I managed to disengage myself and I went along to my grandmother's room.

I wakened her and told her what had happened.

"Poor woman," she said, "she is in a sorry state. This terrible disappearance of her son has brought back the tragic loss of her daughter. She gives way to her grief and I fear it will unhinge her mind."

We went back to her. She was sitting there, her hands covering her face while she rocked back and forth in her misery.

My grandmother said to me: "You should go to bed, my child."

I did not take any notice. I felt there was something I could do.

"Come, Janet," said my grandmother, "you should go to bed. I will bring you something to make you sleep." She took Janet Landor's arm and I took the other. We led her to her bed.

"Lie still," soothed my grandmother. "Try to sleep. Don't brood, it can do no good. We can best help ourselves and others by stifling our grief."

I was proud of her because I knew how she suffered from my mother's death and I wanted to be like her.

"That child's mother," whispered Janet, "was she murdered too?"

My grandmother had taken me by the arm.

"She is rambling," she whispered to me. "Now, Tamsyn, go back to your bed. Try not to disturb the others. I will look after this lady. Good night, my child."

I went away wondering about poor Janet Landor; and there was one phrase which kept ringing in my head: "That poor child's mother ... was she murdered too?"

She must have been referring to my mother, and what did she mean?

My grandmother had said she was rambling and she was certainly hysterical. She could not have been referring to my mother!

I did not see Janet Landor for several days and when I did she was quiet again and although I forgot that nightly disturbance the memory of it was to return to me with some force later.

Senara and I stayed with my grandmother until the spring. It was May when we went back to the castle.

A surprise awaited us. Our father had married again. Senara's mother was to be my stepmother.

After coming back from Lyon Court, Castle Paling seemed an alien place, which was strange for it had always been my home. Everything seemed to have changed since we had been away. My mother's influence had been eliminated entirely and in its place was something new-intangible; it was hard to say what.

Some of the furnishings had been changed-the bedchamber which my mother and father had shared was entirely different. There were rich velvet hangings about the bed and at the windows. There was a foreign look about it. I looked into the Red Room. That had been left exactly as it always had been. I remembered all the stories I had heard about its being haunted. My mother's sitting-room which she had used so much was also left untouched. There was her carved wooden chair and the table on which stood the rather large sandalwood writing-desk of which she had always been fond.

Senara was secretly proud that her mother instead of being a rather mysterious guest in the castle was now the undisputed mistress of it. She had previously, I think, felt something of an outsider and that was why I constantly tried to remind her that I thought of her as my sister.

The servants had changed. They whispered a lot; they were constantly crossing themselves as though for protection against the evil eye. I knew that they were afraid of my stepmother Maria; sometimes I thought even my father was a little.

I could not suppress a certain resentment. In the first place I hated to see someone in my mother's place; in the second, I thought it had happened too quickly. Three months after she had died my father had married my stepmother; and the fact that she had been living in the castle was somehow even more shocking.

My father had never taken much notice of me. Connell was his favourite. He had little regard for girls-at least, not for his own daughter. He kept out of my way after my return almost as though my presence embarra.s.sed him. He knew how very devoted my mother and I had been to each other.

At first Senara gave herself airs but that was very soon at an end. The friendship between us was too firm for anything to harm it. The fact that her mother had taken my mother's place might have caused a rift in some cases, not with us. My father engaged a tutor to give us lessons because my mother had done so in the past, and he was already installed at the castle-a Master Eller-he seemed aged, but I doubt he was much more than forty-five. He was strict and serious and even Connell had to pay attention, although he hated lessons and at twelve years old thought he should have been beyond them.

Jennet had scarcely changed except that she had aged a little. I think my mother's death had shocked her deeply. She was only a year younger than my grandmother and I knew she had regarded my mother as her own daughter. She used to go about muttering to herself and she harboured a dislike for my stepmother which she was afraid to show.

So many people were afraid of my stepmother. It was because she had come on Hallowe'en and that was the time for witches. That she was different from other people was clear. She never appeared to be angry, but if she were displeased there would be a strange glitter in her eyes which was as frightening as my father's loud displays of temper. Everyone and everything was different. The castle seemed full of shadows. Servants were afraid when the darkness fell. Jennet, who had been so talkative and pleased with life, was no longer so. On her face was a perpetual expression of bewilderment. Once she broke down and wept. "I knew your mother when she was a baby," she told me. "I held her in my arms when she was but a day old. Your grandmother was good to me but sharp. She lifted her hand against me more than once, but Miss Linnet ..." She broke down and we cried together.

Then Jennet crossed herself suddenly and said in a hollow voice: "G.o.d help us all. That good lady's place ... my little Mistress Linnet's place ... be took by ..." Then she looked over her shoulder and after a long pause she murmured, "by ... by another."

Like everyone else, Jennet was afraid of my stepmother. I wondered about my father. His eyes followed her wherever she was. I heard one of the servants say: "He be spellbound."

Now and then I found her dark eyes fixed on me. I don't think she understood me. She was expecting me to be resentful towards her for taking my mother's place; stepmothers were not generally liked by the children of their predecessors. But I knew that hating her could not bring my mother back. She was Senara's mother and Senara thought her wonderful. My misery did not take the form of wanting to blame someone. When she understood this she ignored me, and I was glad of that. She was such a strange woman. Although she had never shown affection for Senara, she was anxious for her future. She made sure that Master Eller made an educated lady of her; and she engaged a young man to teach us dancing and singing. His name was Richard Gravel and we called him d.i.c.kon. He played the lute and the virginals in such a manner as to raise the spirits or bring tears and make the heart melt; and he could dance so beautifully that when he performed it was impossible to take one's eyes from him. Senara was enraptured by him and was eager to excel at both music and dancing. We learned country dances, morris dancing, but chiefly those which would be performed at b.a.l.l.s and banquets. It occurred to me that my stepmother wished to make a great lady of her daughter and because I was her companion I shared in the tuition too. It vaguely entered my mind that she did not believe Senara would be in the country all her life. This training was to make a court lady of her.

But we were far from the court. Deep in my mind was the knowledge that if my stepmother desired it, so would it be. I had heard one of the servants mention that she had "The Powers". I had never heard the expression before but I understood immediately what she meant.

But it is surprising how very quickly young people can adjust themselves to situations. Before the year was out my home no longer seemed a strange place; the extraordinary had become commonplace. It was not that I forgot my mother; I should never do that. I used to go to the burial ground and put flowers on her grave; and because it seemed unfair to leave out those other two, I put flowers on them.

There were of course several long-dead Casvellyns in the burial grounds, but these three graves were together and I was sorry for my father's first wife, Melanie, and the unknown sailor. To set my mother's apart I planted a rosemary bush on hers, because rosemary is for remembrance. When I planted that tree the notion came to me that my mother was not completely lost to me; she was close to me at all times and particularly so when I needed her help. Whatever the delights of heaven, she would never leave me entirely alone. I sensed her presence watching over me, guarding me from evil. It was a comforting thought and once it had come to me, it stayed with me and I began to be happy again.

Life settled down to a new pattern. Lessons with Master Eller and singing and dancing with d.i.c.kon took up a great deal of our time. We rode with the grooms; we visited Lyon Court although my grandmother never came to us, and she was never pressed to do so. I believed that she did not want to be in a household where my mother had lived, nor did she wish to see my father's third wife. But I was encouraged to go to her whenever I wished and when I went Senara accompanied me. It was inconceivable to either of us that we should be parted. We quarrelled occasionally but we both knew that those differences would be quickly settled. We were very different in temperament. I was quiet, rather serious, not easily roused to anger and enjoyed looking after people. Senara was impatient with me sometimes, although she liked me to look after her. She was full of life, she hated lessons. Master Eller despaired of her; but she played the virginals and the lute with pa.s.sion and flair; she could sing prettily and she danced so gracefully that it was a great joy to watch her. I was serious and loved books; and she would be jealous of my reading. Is that more interesting than talking to me? she would demand. I would truthfully answer that it was, whereupon she would endeavour to tear the book from my hands. Then I would try to interest her in what I read but her attention soon strayed. In spite of these differences we were very happy in each other's company.

And so the time pa.s.sed.

When I was thirteen years old the Queen died. I was staying with my grandparents at the time. It was March of the year 1603. I remember feeling depressed, not so much because the Queen was dead but because the realization was brought home to me that my grandparents were old and if the Queen who had seemed immortal should die, so could they. My great-grandmother Damask, who was named after the rose, had died at a great age just after my mother had. It was a double blow for my poor grandmother, for although she saw little of her own mother, she being in London, there were the same kind of ties between them as there had been between my mother and hers.

Death was in the air. "'Tis something as don't come singly," said Jennet prophetically.

My grandfather, the once l.u.s.ty sea captain, no longer went to sea. He must have been over seventy years old, for my grandmother was sixty-three. He used to sit on the Hoe for hours looking out to sea, I suppose dreaming of the days of adventure. He walked with a stick because one of his legs was stiffening and gave him a certain amount of pain. He still roared about the house and my grandmother still berated him, but I felt they behaved as they did not because they felt any animosity towards each other but because they wanted to go on as they always had. Uncles Carlos and Jacko were at Lyon Court often when they were not at sea and they would sit with their father and talk of their latest exploits. They were devoted to him. Edwina was often at Lyon Court too; and her sons with her. Damask was going to marry one of the captains in the Trading Company. It was with a certain sadness that I realized how everything was changing-a little here, a little there, until the entire picture was different.

On the day the Queen died we sat at table in the great hall because there were guests in the house. There were the parents of the young man Damask was to marry and he was there too, and there were several others who worked for the Trading Company.

The talk was naturally all of the Queen: what a great reign it had been and that her death was sure to mean changes. She had been ailing for some time and we should have been prepared, but we had all thought she would continue to reign over us for ever. All my life people had talked of the Queen as they might have talked of the Earth. It was impossible to imagine England without her.

My grandfather adored her. To him she was the symbol of England. She had once sent for him to go to London and he had sailed up the Thames and had gone to Greenwich where she most graciously received him. It was before the defeat of the Armada and she had been fully aware of how useful men such as Jake Pennlyon could be to her. She had complimented him on his exploits and had hinted that she looked to him to go on robbing Spaniards of their treasure and bringing it home and making sure that a goodly proportion of it made its way into the nation's purse, while at the same time she let the Spaniards believe that she was admonishing her pirate seamen. That had appealed to my grandfather. He had constantly declared he would serve her with his life.

Now she was dead. That proud spirit was no more. We had always listened avidly to the stories about her; how she was so vain that with her painted cheeks and wigs she had believed the courtiers who had told her she was the most beautiful woman on earth (had she really, or had she appeared to in order to attempt to convince them that she was?); how she had loved the Earl of Ess.e.x yet had agreed to his execution; how right to the very end she had expected men to fall in love with her and thought them traitors if they did not, how furious she had always been when they married or took mistresses although she had no intention of giving up one small bit of her sovereignty by marriage; how she had three hundred dresses in her wardrobe, how choleric she was, how calm and shrewd, how cruel, how kind she could be. Whatever she was, she was a great Queen.

"We shall never see her like again," mourned my grandfather.

She had gone to Richmond when she had become so ill, for she believed the quiet and the air would help her to recover; for a while she had seemed better there but then she had fallen into a state of stupor. She had had a notion that if she went to bed she would never rise again so she commanded her servants to bring cushions and she lay on them on the floor.

Captain Stacy, the father of Damask's betrothed, had recently come from London and he had special information. He had heard from some present at the time that she had named her successor. She had said to Cecil, her Secretary of State: "My seat has been the seat of Kings and I shall have no rascal to succeed me."

"By rascal," said Captain Stacy, "Her Majesty meant none who was not a King, for she went on: 'Who should succeed me but a King.'"

"She was referring to King James of Scotland, the son of her old enemy the Queen of Scots," said my grandmother. "I doubt not that is a most excellent choice for he is indeed the true heir."

"And a good Protestant," said my grandfather, "in spite of his Papist mother."

So died our great Queen, she was seventy years of age and had reigned for forty-five years.

We had a new monarch. King James I who had been the James VI of Scotland.

"I wish my mother had lived to see this day," said my grandmother. "This union between England and Scotland is bound to bring peace. Peace was what she wanted all her life-and although she came to find it in her own household, all through her life there was conflict throughout the country-religious conflict."

"Do you think that is over now, Grandmother?" I asked.